[LilMsSingle]

i have known this guy for almost 2 months now, when we met he was with someone else but it was clear that the relationship was already near the end by the time i met him. they recently broke up and he and I are unofficially together. I am terrified of being the rebound woman. he assures me this is not the case but his ex keeps calling him all the time and he usually answers the phone and listens to her crying and telling him what a bastard he is .

he is wonderful and we get on so well. we really do have strong feelings for one another.

i know it took me ages to get over my ex. i don't want to let this wonderful guy slip through my fingers but i also don't want to doom our relationship by hoping for too much too soon and ending up his rebound relationship.....

any advice would be most welcome.

[Merin]

I would proceed with caution here.

I don't know how long his last relationship was or how serious it was... but IMO the fact that he still takes her calls says a lot about where he's at...

[LilMsSingle]

they were together for just under 2 years. they were engaged 3 months after meeting each other. he admitted to me that he felt that it was what she wanted at the time, so he proposed.

she threatens to cause harm to herself if he isn't near her all the time. i see it as an attention seeking thing, but i'm not sure what he thinks. it's quite obvious she won't harm herself and is trying to get him back cos she realizes what she had and has now lost.

[d'Arthez]

If there are children, or the relationship's demise was expected by both people involved (relationship developed into a friendship), it is understandable that they would be calling, without you being at any risk of being a rebound.

However, that is not the case. And everything his ex tells to him, will have its effects on him. And what will happen, if she actually puts a threat of harming herself in practice? He will probably take it very badly. After all she was his ex-fiancee.

Being engaged to someone after 3 months is a warning sign in itself (unless circumstances made that neccesary). How did the relationship come to an end? Can others confirm his story?

Even if the last two questions put him in a good light, it is very wise to tread with a lot of caution.

[LilMsSingle]

i'm not sure what tread with caution means here, do i back off until he decides what he wants and makes a choice between me or her?

we discussed the issue today and i made it clear that i don't want to be strung along if he wants to be with her.

i told him that if it's her he wants, that's fine, he must just let me know so I can get on with my own life.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by LilMsSingle
I told him that if it's her he wants, that's fine, he must just let me know so I can get on with my own life.

The problem can be, that he may not know the true answer to that question. When you wrote:

they were together for just under 2 years. they were engaged 3 months after meeting each other. he admitted to me that he felt that it was what she wanted at the time, so he proposed.

in bold, there is an essential problem. Why did he propose? She may have wanted that, but that is never a reason for something. Hopefully he has learned from that mistake - the fact that he admits to the reason is positive though, as he seems to have a bit of a grasp on the whole relationship.
Right now, he probably is taking the calls out of guilt, which seems to be working for his ex . Of course it is a ploy for getting him back, but does he realize that?

As long as he is not decided on whom to be with, you are risking becoming a rebound. And if he chooses you, he will have to let the ex know in one way or the other. I think it will be hard for him (due to the earlier mentioned pleasing tendencies).

i'm not sure what tread with caution means here, do i back off until he decides what he wants and makes a choice between me or her?

You can choose: you can be with him now, and enjoy the time you have together. It may or may not turn out to become a full relationship. But you will also have to deal with the fact that the ex is still trying to get him back. And the description you gave of her, suggests that she will possibly stop short of nothing .

Or you can wait, and risk never being in a relationship with him. He might go back to his ex (that would be his loss, not yours judging by the words you have written about her), or he might start dating someone else. It saves you dealing with the drama. And if everything turns out well, the both of you are starting without severe issues at the start of the relationship.

Things to consider are both his and his ex's personalities and the reasons that led to the breakdown of the relationship. If she cheated 20 times, chances that he will actively contemplate getting back with her, are slightly less, than when she has accidentally forgotten the birthday of his father.

Either way, you have to make a decision, and neither decision gives you in 100% of the cases the desired result.
If you think you can handle the drama, you might want to choose the first option. It will be probably a lot of drama. If not, you can choose the second option.

[upsetnhurt]

The problem here is that he does not know what he wants. He still has to heal from the breakup and will need loads of time to do it. With her consistently calling him and with him answering....that just prolongs the process. I have been in your situation and unfortunately your timing could not be worse. No matter how much he cares for you at the moment, he will never fully recognize you for who you are if you continue with him now.................he needs to get his ex completely out of his system (actions speak louder than words) before he can and will open his heart to you in the way you hope he can. It sucks big time for you now yet take this advice as the majority of folks learn the hard way. If it is meant to be then it will be in the future. Save both of yourselves the pain and anguish.

[LilMsSingle]

thanks for the advice, you made some very valid points.

she knows we are together. i have overheard him on the phone telling her that he has feelings for me and he wants to see how our relationship progresses.

he says that things were over a long time ago and he has been "getting over it for a while now". he says that he is not going to lie and tell me it's fine because there are aspects that he still misses of their relationship.

i'm not sure though what i can do to make it clear that i care very much about him and want to make thngs work, and am willing to give him the space he needs to think and sort stuff out, without me sounding like i will stand quietly on the sidelines while he makes up his mind.

I'm not interested in anyone else at the moment but don't want him to think i am waiting around to be beckoned by him when he thinks he's ready....

[upsetnhurt]

Just be open and honest with him and it will work out for the best for both of you in the long run. Unfortunately you need to call the shots here as his choice will be to continue spending time with you as it is providing comfort for him. That is not what you are in this for though. Please take it from me as I have done everything ass backwards in terms of my situation. It was the same as yours and I have had my heart broke twice now with the same girl.

[LilMsSingle]

after my relationship ended i didn't want to be anywhere near another man for ages. it has taken me almost 2 years to get over him. i haven't been with anyone since then because i couldn't find anyone i really wanted to be with.

*sigh*

i know u don't know either of us or the entire story, but do guys usually heal faster than girls? i don't know...... i'm just curious

[upsetnhurt]

Emotionally we do not in my opinion........physically we do if you know what I mean. I know how hard it is as I am dying here too....I care so much for someone who is so confused about life......and at times it feels so right yet the moment I hope for more......she backs off and hides. It all revolves around the ex and her unresolved feelings for him. Read my threads and see how crazy I am to be still interested in her. Know that it can get lots worse that where you are if you let it.

[LilMsSingle]

thanks for the heads up. i will treat this situation with severe caution.

i hope things start looking up for you, sounds like this girl is really hurting you.

[upsetnhurt]

At this point it is not the girl who is hurting me.....the only person to blame is myself being that I am aware of the difficulties that have presented themselves and still choose to involve myself. I tend to think I am just scared of the unknown and of going out there to meet another (and part me stupidly thinks she will come around).................good luck to you and don't hesitate to ask questions.

[brittanyjean259]

you shoudlent think he has feelings for you...

why would ne1 want to get in to a relationship with ne1 who just broke up with there ex...there not goin to stay with you long.