Taking a break from giving advice, maybe I should get some?
I spend a lot of time on LS giving other people advice...and occasionally mouthing off for cheap laughs. I don't think I have ever asked for advice under my SoleMate name - or even really shared the realities of my life. I would like all the regulars to know that I am going through a divorce that my husband requested in May 2004. It will be final some time this year. Here I am typing this - quite numb. Or calm. But something just isn't right.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
SoleMate, I suspect you're calm, not numb, my friend. Your posts are as excellent now as they have been in the past. If you are seriously troubled by your new beginnings, your posts do not show this. You remain one of LoveShack's finest contributors.
Please try and look forward to new challenges, endeavors, loves and experiences. Remain open to new people, lovers and partners. Try not to hunker down too much. And whatever you do, don't look back. Live forward with eyes wide open and pointed straight ahead.
I suspect that this year you'll see and experience things that have been denied you for a long time: An education of the senses.
SoleMate, I'm SO sorry. Divorce is a painful process and it takes a long time to heal from it. I'm still wounded from mine, and it's probably a big reason I ended up back involved with him. I thought I would get answers now that I never got them. Funny thing is it's over again and I still don't have the answers.
Obviously the advice you've been giving here is helping you tremendously to get through this. There are some good people who can help themselves by helping others, and you have certainly helped me a few times. I value your advice. I know nothing of the circumstances reagarding your divorce, but your STBX is losing a good woman.
Originally posted by Lonestar
Obviously the advice you've been giving here is helping you tremendously to get through this. There are some good people who can help themselves by helping others, and you have certainly helped me a few times. I value your advice. I know nothing of the circumstances reagarding your divorce, but your STBX is losing a good woman.
Lonestar is absolutely right Solemate. I feel like you sometimes too. I'm giving other people great advice, and here I am going through it myself. Go figure, marital advice providers that are getting a divorce, ironic isn't it?
I think it helps to warn others of the mistakes I have made and you are probably feeling the same thing.
You have given me some wonderful advice these past few months. Between you and Ladyjane I still have most of my sanity intact through all of this. Words can not express my gratitude to you guys for all your help, advice, and support. If you need a break for yourself you are so more than entitled to it.
If it helps you to unburden your own soul (or sole ) feel free to PM me if you are shy about revealing your own problems in the general forum.
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I know the difference between right and wrong, I just don't care.
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Shut up, I'm not done blaming everyone who isn't me.
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"I have done that," says my memory. "I cannot have done that," says my pride, and remains inexorable. Eventually--memory yields.--Nietzsche
A little anecdote: when I was 12 I spent the summer at my aunt's place. There was a pool in the neighbourhood and they offered free swimming lessons. They involved some discussion as well as the actual lessons. I was able to answer the questions the instructor asked about swimming and was right in my answers. However, I was an awful swimmer LOL. The instructor once asked me how I could know so much about swimming and not be able to swim well. Eventually I learned, but I had to teach myself - the teacher's approach didn't suit me.
Moral of that little tale is that you can understand how something should be and how it should work, but life isn't necessarily going to fall into place even when you do know the stuff inside and out. As you surely realize, the fact that your husband does not wish to remain in the marriage does not mean you were in the wrong. People change in incomprehensible ways sometimes.
I know that numb feeling. I used to think of it as one's emotional fuse burning out - and you're left with almost no feelings at all. It's very odd, but it's a mechanism to help people cope, I'm sure.
I hope you have posted your situation under other names and that folks have been helpful. As for the 'just isn't right', do you mean with you? Do you feel like saying more about this?
I'm sure that numbness is emotional shock and you are just not ready to feel those flooded emotions yet. Or maybe they have affected you and now they are gone and nothing is left.
We are all here for you. Just glad that you feel comfortable to open up and allow us to help you, give some support as you need it now. I know asking for help is hard sometimes...I'm the same way.
Just listen to your gut, if something isn't right and you feel unsettled, I'm sure when you are ready, the answer will come to you somehow. Just take things slow and look after you.
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
I'm sorry sole...
I think most everyone of us has been in the position of giving great advice (and btw YOU give great advice!) while we might have been going through our own things in life... it's always easier to look at another persons situation and see clearly what is the best course of action.. because our own REAL FEELINGS are not the ones involved.
It is when YOU are in the emotion(s) that it becomes harder to see what is the right things and harder yet when you can recogonize what the "right things" are for you, taking the steps when it hurts to do them.
I've been through a divorce... if you would like or need to PM me as well.. I'm here for ya sister
Merin~
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Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
Thank you so much, each and every one of you. Loveshack is my no-cost therapy, and while I am working out answers for other people, I find that I am also getting my own head straight. I have repeated the advice of "Judge ACTIONS over WORDS" at least 40 times, and I finally started using it myself. It only took about a year for me to really understand and apply that idea.
To answer questions:
1) The split is not amicable. He is very angry.
2) Our 2 daughters are split between us 50/50.
3) Things not being right...well, maybe that is a no-brainer. My life is not on a clear path and I really can't see ahead of me. OTOH, right now I do feel happier and more hopeful than I have in years.
If you have been through contested divorce, you know that there is lots of paperwork, court sessions, letters back and forth, and lots of ugly little incidents.
I do want to say more, and fully explain myself. But my soon TBXH knows my Loveshack user name. I may have to reappear under a new identity. I appreciate every kind word you say about me.
My life is not on a clear path and I really can't see ahead of me.
That's what I've found most difficult in my life too. Change on this scale is unsettling, particularly when there are children involved and your emotional energy is engaged in the conflict of divorce.
If your IRL persona is anything like your online one, you will go from strength to strength. You are wise, funny, compassionate and friendly. Those are great qualities for making the best of what life has to offer. Good luck to you, Solemate.
Last edited by meanon; 10th January 2005 at 7:38 PM..
When it all boils down to it Solemate you need to remember to tell yourself daily that anyone that doesn't want to spend time with you is a sh*thead.
Who else is going to tell you that? It's up to you. There are enough people out there waiting to beat you down. Give them the finger. They're sh*theads too.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
) feel free to PM me if you are shy about revealing your own problems in the general forum.
But thank you, all of you, for your good wishes. And BTW, I lied...I never stopped giving advice! Bwa ha ha!
Hybrid Mode
