[jamesh1985]

hey, i am new here and i am seeking some advice,

well its kinda lame but heres the deal

theres this girl at my work place, a warehouse, that i like and i have been told from another girl that see likes me, everytime we pass by we smile at each other and i have talked to her twice, once about what time it was and another about a question dealing with work. i want to go up and talk to her but i cant , see i have moved alot when i was in school and never really got to know anyone that good so i am very very shy, my last girlfriend was in 7th grade and since then i have been on one date, heres how that went (went to see a movie, half way through she said she was cold and i knew that was my cue to put my arm around her but i coundnt, i dont know what i was thinking but i didnt, she then grabbed my arm and leaned on it, i felt like such an ass) . so back to the question, if i ask her out what do we do, the normal movie thing or is there something different, and if we do go to the movies is it almost mandatory to put my arm around her, do i wait for a sign, what? I know its horrible that a 19year old is asking this but i dont feel comfortable asking someone in my house. i am very funny and loud around family members but other than that i am the shy quiet guy who doesnt say hardly anything.

[Merin]

Remember.. 7th grade was a long time ago.

Just because you felt uncomfortable back in the day, doesn't mean that you are doomed to fail now.

It is very normal especially when you're that young to feel odd and unsure of what you're "suppose" to be doing.. happened to everyone.

Keep in mind that this girl appears to be giving you signs of interest in you.. so you've already got that going for you (she likes you!) so relax.. ask her out.. it doesn't have to be a movie it could be lunch or dinner..

Just be yourself and trust your instincts.. don't over analyze what you think you "should" be doing.. watch her body laungauge for interest.. You can do this.

Good Luck

[SoleMate]

Your story is not "lame" or "sad"; in fact, it's touching and sweet. First of all, there are many people in the same boat. You are only 19. (Hopefully you will not end up like the fella who had to travel to a Mexican bordello on the night before his birthday so he would not become a 40 year old virgin - true story.)

Don't try to sneak your arm around her in the movies. DO talk to her, and pretend that she is just a fella or a 50 year old neighbor lady who does not hold your tending, beating heart in the palm of her hand.

Search Loveshack. The "I'm a shy guy" posts are one of our most common themes - usually from men in their 20s, so see, you're getting an early start! Lots of advice there. I should write a book - "how boy meets girl".

[jamesh1985]

thanks for your replys, usually when i am home(like right now) i feel like i would just go up to her and talk right now, and whats the big deal, but when i get near her i get so nervous, she is very beautiful and i dont want to ruin anything, there are some other things i am worried about though, her mom works with her which would be very weird if we started dating, and i am so low on funds, i profit about 200 a month but all that goes to college. I know i am thinking about this way to much but i cant really help it, i noticed that i studder alittle when i am around new people and yes my voice still cracks, but only when i am enjoying the conversation, i read on this forum about 9 pages back, and i feel alittle more confident after reading the posts. i think that if i can gather myself to talk to her we would see a movie, since it seems easier to talk about. god i feel nervous now just talking about this.

btw yes i am still a virgin and havnt even french kissed, i am the kind of person that enjoys almost anything aslong as the person i am with is happy, any music, hobby whatever, i think it doesnt really give me a definition of who i am since i like to do anything

[jamesh1985]

should i let her know that i am very shy and nervous, i dont want to just go up and ask to see a movie since it seems to ackward, is it ok to say hi and ask if she is doing anything saturday or do i need to think of something to talk about first

[SoleMate]

You don't need to let her know early on that you are shy, unless you think it's helpful.

You know, first contacts like this are always going to be awkward. If you're looking for advice on how to make them completely comfortable and easy, like falling out of bed, then you will likely be disappointed. My best advice would be to do whatever you can to cultivate a resilient attitude. (Search for Redneck Romeo and Solemate to see some of my advice to him.) You WILL experience uncomfortable moments and possibly even some rejection along this path. If you can train yourself to deal with it philosophically, then you will have the courage to get back up there and make another approach.

Many girls are also painfully shy, and may be longing for and yet nervously dreading your contact even more than you are. The fact that they look calm doesn't mean that they aren't churning mentally on the inside. Nervousness can make even an interested girl respond awkwardly, in a way that may feel like rejection to a hypersensitive mind. So ALWAYS assume the best motives on her part.

I have to write a book on this, I'm convinced it would sell very well!

[jamesh1985]

my day cant go any worse, heres what happened

i woke up early this morning so i could shave and pick out half way decent clothes, i ususally wake up, get dressed, and be out the door in 5 minutes but i took some time today incase i were to talk to her.
so i get to work and after an hour one of the people i work with said "so i hear A likes you" and i said yea, then he said "you know she has a finace" !!!! i was shocked, i first though he was kidding but he wasnt, i had to go to lunch with that on my mind, because i planned on talking to her after work and i think i built up enough courage to do so but now with this on my mind i got a little quezzy. so i asked 2 of her friends at work and one said she doesnt know and another said yes she is engaged, but that i should ask her and that i am to shy to be a guy. well i saw A once from a distance and we did the normal thing of smiling at each other but i never saw her after work, we usually park near the same spot and i waited like 5 minutes but i guess she left early.

so now i feel horrible, my stomach actually hurts alittle, i thought about what i was gonna say since last night, its been on my mind the whole day today and BAM, she is engaged. why would she flirt and tell other people she likes me when she is taken. the guy who first said she is engaged said i wshould still "hook up ith her" and "she wants you on the side" but i am not that kinda guy, i wouldnt date someone who is going out with someone else even if i got some action (which i never have). its gonna be awakward now when i see her, god this is such a mess. i hope i start to feel better tomorrow, but it will start up again monday

[SoleMate]

Yikes...that must have been a shock.

I still don't see much harm in getting to know her. The rumors of a fiance may or may not be true. You need to get your information from her. Keep it simple friends and lowkey, then maybe you can ask about the fiance.

[jamesh1985]

i see it like this

me: hey
her hi
me wanna go see a movie
her sure
me: so, you engaged


seems abit weird. the thing is i am fairly certain that she will go out with me, from what the coworkers say, but i dont want to go out with her and have to let her know that i cant do anything serious because she is engaged. then when we start working again i see many conversations about me and and more problems arising than if i just keep smiling at her and let it either die down, or her aproaching me , or her friends.

[SoleMate]

Well, she's not the only woman on Planet Earth.

I don't see any harm in sharing snacks before the movie and saying, "I heard a rumor you were engaged, but I didn't believe it." Then she'll either say, "Of course not - I wouldn't be here if I were!" or "Sure, but I don't let HIM slow me down." Then you'll have your info.

Could she lie and deny? Sure. But just get to know her, and you'll know whether to believe her or not.

I just don't like to hear of people making decisions based on rumors rather than direct info.