Is there anyone out there who chose to leave the OW/OM for the sake of saving the marriage and has succeeded in fixing it with your spouse? Has the relationship become better than before? Are there any couples out there who actually chose to stay in the marriage but eventually still divorce?
I wasn't the one who had the A, my H did. He filed for a D and as soon as I kicked him out of the house I found out about his A. I moved away w/ our children and he came back to me, wanting to work out the marriage. He said the A was the stupidest mistake he ever made, he loved me and the kids and couldn't imagine life w/o us. At first I wasn't going to try and make the M work but I decided that I couldn't let it go not knowing what the future held for us. Is my marriage better or worse after the A? I would say it is worse. Not only was my M not very strong b4 the A, but adding an A to it just made it worse. If I can give anyone advice about going back to a M that wasn't strong b4 the affair DON'T DO IT! My H promised me things would be better, and they haven't been. I love him but honestly, I can't help to think that I should of never taken him back b/c now I just have the affair adding to the problems and I have thought about filing for a D and finding a man who knows how to treat a woman. Hate to admit all this b/c I wanted me M to work, I wanted to be happy, I am not
I had an affair 13 years ago. Left my husband and lived with OM for 6 months. H eventually guilted me into moving back home with him. Our marriage is definitely far better than it ever was before. It has been hard (very hard) work though.
"Not only was my M not very strong b4 the A, but adding an A to it just made it worse. If I can give anyone advice about going back to a M that wasn't strong b4 the affair DON'T DO IT!"
Stillhurting, how do you define "a strong marriage" ? I would believe there can't be a strong marriage if the affair happens. I would believe the reason why a spouse is having an affair is because her/his needs are not being fulfilled in the marriage for a long time and so problems already existed in the marriage before the affair. Have you tried discussing with your problems and feelings with your husband? If you are still so unhappy, are you considering a divorce?
DazenConfused, did your wife drop the OM for you or the affair didn't work so she came back to you? How are you dealing with this with your wife? Does she has any anger about you not meeting her needs? How do you cope with the pain and the betrayal your wife has caused you?
Sucidesurvior, I congratulate on making your marriage stronger after the affair. What did you do to help your husband get over the OW? I know it must be very hard and I really admire your courage. I would be interested in knowing what you and your husband have done in saving your marriage. Since it's your husband who had an affair, have you both made equal efforts to work on your marriage or has it been more the effort from you?
Last edited by lovesucks; 30th September 2004 at 9:43 AM..
[QUOTE]Originally posted by lovesucks
"Not only was my M not very strong b4 the A, but adding an A to it just made it worse. If I can give anyone advice about going back to a M that wasn't strong b4 the affair DON'T DO IT!"
Stillhurting, how do you define "a strong marriage" ? I would believe there can't be a strong marriage if the affair happens. I would believe the reason why a spouse is having an affair is because her/his needs are not being fulfilled in the marriage for a long time and so problems already existed in the marriage before the affair. Have you tried discussing with your problems and feelings with your husband? If you are still so unhappy, are you considering a divorce?
My H and I were married almost 11 years b4 he had the A. I don't know how I would define anyone else's marriage to be strong, but I can define mine, and it wasn't strong. My H was, but does not admit, to being an alcholic. He drank exessively. He came home drunk almost every night. He played sports several nights a week and would go to the bar w/ his teammates and drink. When he drank, he was verbally and at rare occassionals physically abusive. I loved him, thought he would change, but he never did. After we had our 10 year annivesary and he drove the kids home drunk from a sporting event I told him he either quits drinking, seeks help for his anger problems, or me and the kids were leaving. He quit drinking (hasn't had a drink in two years) and he went to talk to his doctor who perscribed him anti-depressants. He quit taking them a few months later, said he didn't need them, he does. Yes, his needs weren't being met but how can ANY woman want to sleep w/ a man who calls her a fat ass, pig, cow, ect. THAT is when I started w/holding sex from him. We fought a lot and it didn't help I was stressed w/ my past job that I hated. A couple months b4 our 11th anniversary he told me he was tired of the fighting, knew he wasn't making me happy, and wanted to set me free so I could find a man who would treat me right. So, he filed for a D, I kicked him out, he screwed around, and then came begging me to take him back. Said he would change, promised he would change, blah, blah, blah. I love him and things have changed, a little, but I am still not being treated the way I want to be treated. I want a marriage where there is 50/50. There isn't. I want a marriage where there is respect, there isn't any here. I just want a nice, sweet, guy. My H can do and say nice, sweet things, but it doesn't happen often, only when he wants something.
lovesucks, I was the one who had the affair. We had been married for 9 years and those years were very traumatic with my husband being transferred every 2 or 3 years. We had both become complacent in our marriage and my OM made me feel appreciated and alive again. When my H talked me into giving our marriage another go, I went NC with OM and my H and I both gave 100% to our marriage. 13 years later, my H rarely thinks about my infidelity and if we ever discuss it, it is as a result of me bringing up the subject. My H and I are still very much in love with one another and anyone who is unaware of my infidelity would never guess we have ever had anything but a perfect relationship.
My H had a few affairs - one that resulted in a child. You want to forget the past and move forward, but it's very hard. For the both of us, this child will always be a reminder of how he did this family wrong. Much of my life has been floating in limbo wondering if things will get better - can we ever get past this - and so on. It's become a waiting game that goes back and forth on a daily basis. You can only hope for the best, but prepare yourself for the worst.
DazenConfused, did your wife drop the OM for you or the affair didn't work so she came back to you? How are you dealing with this with your wife? Does she has any anger about you not meeting her needs? How do you cope with the pain and the betrayal your wife has caused you?
Wife ended the affair a few months before I found out. Guilt and full knowledge that our marriage was good made her try to end it. She feels that disclosure was made by him in an attempt to get back at her for ending it. She never had any plans of leaving our marriage for this other guy.
I am dealing as best I can. That's about all i can say to that. Open and honest discussion is the key.
The only anger here is mine. In four months of self and professional therapy, we have not identified needs that were not met by me. We have, however uncovered a few of my needs that have never been met. I can say with confidence that I was and am a damn good husband. I think self-help books and articles focus a little too much on "unmet needs". While they are a valid point, it is not the end all/be all reason for affairs. Humans get bored. Humans feel attraction. Humans make mistakes. Humans sometimes do things that we know are wrong for us, even when we don't really know why. We do things that are against our better judgement for any number of reasons. Among my wife's reasons were self-esteem, boredom, reaffirmation of youth and attractiveness, dissatisfaction with her role in family has changed, and more than I want to type here. None of these things are a reflection upon me, nor my actions within the marriage.
I cope as best I can. I feel betrayed, hurt, rage, pity, anxious, resentment..... you name it. The thing is, my ife and I have loved each other since the day we met. It hasn't been all roses and sunshine for 17 years, but we will not throw away all we have for each other over a mistake. We all make mistakes, some are bigger than others, but a mistake all the same. I feel what i feel, while my wife deals with guilt, regret, and the knowledge that she has forever damaged my faith and trust in her. It's a long road back and beyond, but god willing, we will get there.
Dazed. I really am hoping many learn from you and really read all that you say. I know you have had a HUGE effect on me and maybe stopped me from making a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. I can't thankyou enough for that Dazed.
I know when I came into this place I had one thing in my head. Now I am across the field and in a much better place. I KNEW I was never going to leave my hubby...Yes life isn't perfect, we make mistakes...We all need to be touched, desired, wanted and felt needed and loved. Some of that was missing...But it wasn't all him, some of it was because of me. My anxiety disorder changed me and made ME feel bad about myself. He just didn't console me, tell me I'm still beautiful. It hurt alot, but I never once doubted his love for me, not once. He isn't perfect and neither am I. Not by a long shot!
I realized somethings recently, the past week and a half about myself. What it really is that I've been missing too is the daily interaction with PEOPLE. That daily contact, joking around with co-workers, harmless bantering back and forth... Those little things really make you FEEL GOOD about yourself...Not in a sexual way, but it's contact, its' joking around and laughing, having fun. That is not in my life right now as I am not able to work (Will be doing some volunteer work soon, so things will improve even more) until I get this whole anxiety disorder more under control.
All those little interactions with people throughout your day, builds up into nice energy and makes you feel good. You carry it around you all day, come home feeling happy...I didn't have any of that in the last few years...I got lower emotionally and felt very alone. Missed that human daily contact. So when I joined an anxiety site and met some online friends, mostly girls who have become so important to me, we talk on a daily basis and help eachother out!! It's nice. But I did connect with a guy, a really special person. He was there for me, listened to me. Neither of us ever had any intention of leaving our lives...We both had the same kind of problems at home though and it brought us together. Yes, we crossed the line. Yes, feelings were there right from the start. It was NOT planned, neither of us went looking for it, IT was just there the first time we spoke, I felt it, he felt it. We talked about it all, what it meant. Flirted abit too much but we both FELT GOOD. Now it has settled down into a really nice friendship. My hubby knows I talk to him. He has no problem with it, he feels if this person is helping me and all then that is a good thing.
Sorry, I got side tracked abit...
I guess what I am trying to say too, Dazed said it...It wasn't HIM. Something in HER was missing...Like with me, it was partially both of us, but mostly ME... How I was feeling inside. I am happy and love my life. There is nothing wrong with having friends to help you out along the way...Just don't get carried away with fantasties and that 'the grass is greener on the otherside' stuff, cuz it ain't. I do know that, I didn't have to get on a plane fly down, find this guy and experience all that...I do know what I have and I don't ever intend to throw it away.
This is not an easy time for me, and I think you know that. I come here for somewhat selfish reasons; it helps me to try to help others. I know that in some of my posts I let too much of my own issues get in, but hell, I'm human too.
My thoughts are just that, my thoughts. I place them here in the hopes of just what has happened for you... that someone in the position of hurting someone else will think again by feeling my experience. I know you love your husband; I also know that you are lacking some things from him. I guess my overall point is that if you don't ask, you won't get. People can't just turn away and look elsewhere without exhausting the possibilities within their marriages. Not w/o destroying someone else in the process.
Too many people take hurtful action without even allowing their spouse a chance to fix anything.
The old... "If I can help just one person...."
Mission accomplished!
Next victim? ..... er.... i mean ...... patient..... um .... poster! yeah!
I don't have a desire to pursue anything with my online buddy. He's just that. I can't deny I feel for him, so I won't try and hide that one...It's like trying to hide the scent of a fart in the elevator!! CAN'T BE DONE!!! LOL. No but seriously, it has calmed down and turned into a really nice friendship. I like that. That is all it is and ever will be.
HMMM...Next victim...Please take a step forward!
Last edited by whichwayisup; 30th September 2004 at 2:06 PM..
Reason: stupid spelling misakt, oops mistake!
Ever tried it??? It's Funny. Thing is make sure there are LOTS of people in there cuz if it's only one or two...Hmm, basically you're screwed and they all KNOW it's you!!! HEHEHEHEHE!! NOW that's funny!!
DazednConfused, I'm in the same position, pretty much, except it has only been 1 month as of last night, and we had 25 great years before she wandered. And I found an email by mistake and confronter her with it, until then she was trying to hide it, but I could tell something was eating her, and they were still very much in love (that hurts to face, but I have to!)
I agree with you 100%! In our case, it has been working, but EXTREMELY hard on the emotions! She has cut off their connection, and has been very willing to work things out between us. And all I can pick up for her excuse is little things that don't make sense, so I suspect that it wasn't really me so much as her own inadequacy and her wanting a thrill, although the counciller (female) keeps going back to her side. But I have been reading a lot on my own, and that helps.
Sad to read these posts that claim that years and years after the fact, there's still a lot of pain. But Nice to hear that many of them felt the rebuilding process was worth it. I just wonder when I'll be able to sleep more than a couple hours at night, and even then, wake up not feeling sick again. The pain in the stomach has gone down to a feeling of thumbtacks instead of the initial spikes, but still lingers on.
I do have a lot of hope, because she is also trying her best to fix things, and I believe we can. It would be much worse if we didn't have each other to make ourselves feel better!
Love brings forgiveness. And communication and forgiveness are the keys.
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