[MadMonkD27]

Folks:

I have no idea where to start. My brother, 24, and his girlfriend, 21, have just recently announced their engagement to both families. Now this wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that they just also announced that she is pregnant. They have only known each other for less than a year and have been living together for 10 months. But you are probably wondering, what is so bad about this?

For starters, I am starting to have my doubts. When she mentioned the news, she mentioned this isn't to entrap him or something like that and that. (?) At one point in time before she announced this (about a few months back) she mentioned to me that due to her condition (some type of cancer that runs in the family), she couldn't have any children. That statement right now is no longer true. But that's just it because she told me that her family was at their apartment having dinner when they made this announcement. Granted she explained that she found out on Friday. But also I am concerned that my brother is being forced to get married because of this. And, get this they want to have this wedding in JUNE.

The other issue is that my mother seems very dissapointed in my little brother because she has sacrificed herself to make sure that all three (me, my brother, and my sister) had a good education, good economic backing and good place to start. But now she feels that by getting her pregnant, he is not thinking straight and he was probably being forced by her and her family. But at the same time feel that he is jumping too soon. Its not like he doesn't have a job or anything like that. But at the same time, he wants to get his bar exam taken care of, but with a child on the way, will he have time to study, will he have time for himself? And I don't think he even realizes what he has gotten himself into. I just hope that he realizes soon what he is getting himself to. I mean he has a job, but its not what he studied for. And I hope that he doesn't stay at that job for ever. but I'm trying to be reasonable here and not choose sides, I will tell you that something here isn't right.

The other part is that her family isn't exactly what you call average, but then again what is average? But I ve always been told that when you marry someone you marry their family and quite frankly I'm not too sure if I would marry into this family myself. Also you want to marry someone who is at your level and someone you don't have to carry. But that's just one part of it. The other parts are: The father of the girlfriend is an alcoholic, the mom is very distant, at least the sisters and brothers are close, but are unmarried and have children with the exception of the older sister. Not that I'm complaining that they are not good people (with the exception of the dad who is difficult to deal with), But both my mother and my brother made a lot of sacrifices to get far in life only for this to happen. Now was this unplanned, yea, but I think the girlfriend had this planned all along (Now I may be wrong and hopefully I will be proven wrong as time goes)

Personally, and I will let him know as soon as I get a chance, is that he is nuts, he should wait for some time before getting married and wait until he passes the bar exam. After all he has been through, I think he deserves better.
But maybe its just because of how we were raised. Right now I did tell him I will support him and that I still love him and I congratulated him on his engagement, but at the same time I STILL think he's nuts for getting engaged, but then again with the pregnancy it is understandable. But I think that something isn't right here. What do you folks think? And Thank you in advance.

[carla]

I do think that it's happening a little fast. I don't know the girl so I'm taking your word that this maybe a trap. I would say that 99% of trapped marriages don't last. But...... sometimes you just have to sit back and be supportive. Love can be blind, for others see things that the one in love doesn't. I would try to talk him into putting it off for a year, or until he finishes his bar exam, the baby comes along. Tell him money for the wedding would be better spent on the baby then on a wedding. But if he's determined to marry in June the only thing you can do is be a loyal sister and be there for him when or if he needs you.

[reasontosigh]

I'm not liking the sound of it.

If they can't even wait till he passes the bar exam (heck, what parent wouldn't be proud to say their daughter married a lawyer?), something sure is rotten in the state of Ohio (apologies to Mr. Shakespeare - couldn't help myself).

I'm thinking your brother is in serious need of experienced pastoral counseling, legal advice, and any other help he can get his hands on. Sure can't hurt to have the information handy.

[MadMonkD27]

Carla, Reasontosigh:

Thank you both for your replies. I wil have some time this weekend to talk some sense into him. I just hope that Im not too late. Also per your reply I will need to get in contact with a lawyer person. And to clarify, no he is not a lawyer, he is an electrical engineer. But still the bar exam is as important. That will assure him a better job.

I think if he passes, I think everyone (mom, me and my sister) will be a lot better. Just found out that since he sprang the news mom has yet to get any sleep. And my sister, who is a lawyer, laid it all down on the table. So if he doesnt understand that, I dont know what will. He might hate us for saying it but at least we will be heard.

My mother thinks it is entrapment and so do I. And reasontosigh, yes I think something does stink. But I will need to talk to my brother. Thank you both for the reply and I will let you know what happens.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You seem like you're more upset about his fiance than you are about him. It was your brother's irresponsibility that got him into this. If he were wearing protection, how could a situation evolved where he would be "trapped"? You can talk to your brother all you want to try to knock some sense into him, but if you're truly supportive like you said, you would understand that whatever he plans to do, it's his decision to make regardless of who he disappoints. He's 24 years old. Old enough to make his own decisions.

[reasontosigh]

On a lighter note; I didn't realize it was called a "bar" in electrical engineering, too! Thanks - I learned something new today.

Question: does your state require premarital counseling of some sort prior to issuing the license, or between license issue and wedding? That might help too.

[Cariel]

I married twice...both times to men my family found "acceptable". They were well-bred, well-groomed, well-educated, had good white-collar jobs, and their parents were also "acceptable".

Both abused me emotionally, and the second abused me physically as well.

Class has nothing to do with money, nor with comportment in public. It has everything to do with values and compassion, and ture caring.

C

[CurlyamI]

I hate admitting that family can ruin a good relationship. If he's happy and they have a good relationship, let him deal with the wife, the baby, the exams, the bills... He's a man, he has to handle it,if not, he will became one.

It's his choice, trapped or not as he may be. I believe he may be under a lot of pressure anyway, he definetely doesn't need his family's disaprovement over his situation.

I believe tough times came and go all the time, what's important is how one dealswith it. I, for instance, can tell that even after 20 years of marriage, my mother is still hurt over the way my father's parents treated her, and both my grandparents passed away years ago. She's still bitter, they've still ended up together 25 years later and the one that got to deal with all this pain for all this time is my father.

I know it's an important time in his life, but you may damage his life more than you realise. Not that you aren't right about worying and everything... But it's just not up to you to judge, take a stand etc. Learn to be more open-minded.

[MadMonkD27]

Thank you all for your responses. An update on the matter. I have talked to him about the issue and he has responed: That yes this is what he wants to do, Yes, he has thought this through, and yes he will take the bar exam in October. As long as he passes the exam, Ill be ok. But then again Ill become an uncle. But on the other hand, I still feel that he should of thought better and it appears that this is what he wants to do. But only time will tell. I will talk to him some more this saturday when I go get my new car. Thank you all for the advice. And yes Im trying to be open minded but it is a little bit difficult when it hasnt completely sink in. ThisGirlNamedKD: I know it seems that Im upset at her, but how am I supposed to feel when she said that she has some condition that she isnt fertile and then this happens? I will probably have to give it some time to either forgive her or understand that this was not planned, either way you are right it is his decision. Grant you Im not trying to distance myself, I just want to make sure that he tells me what he thinks and feels. That is all that I ask. And I will support him regardless of what he does. Cariel; Im sorry you went through that. And you are proably right, compassion and caring should be accounted for, as also values. As for the legal advice, I am seeking counsel with a friend who is a lawyer to see what options are available. I thank all of you for the advice, now I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I will update as soon as saturday afternoon.

[krbshappy71]

"If he were wearing protection, how could a situation evolved where he would be "trapped"? "

Quite often in a committed relationship a woman will agree to "take care of the birth control" situation so the man does not have to wear a condom. The man trusts her, as he should be able to.

Trapping is when the man is trusting her and she knowingly goes off the birth control, without his knowledge, in an effort to get pregnant.

I see nothing wrong with a man trusting his woman, he should be able to do that. Pregnacy should not be something to toy with, however many women do this, especially if they are worried the relationship is in trouble.

I do not see any reason to put blame on her brother if they were in a committed relationship and she was in charge of the birth control, per their agreement. Men should be able to trust their woman not to do this to them.