[love2004]

For eight months I have been dating a good man who has two children ages 14 and 11. I have a 4 year old who have raised completely on my own. I am having some difficulty finding information on the web and I am hoping someone could help. MY BF's 11 year old had a stroke at 16 months of age that caused frontal lobe brain damage. Her behaviors can range from autisic like to obsessive compulsive to ADD to just plain perplexing. She demands constant attention. She is not good at sharing objects or her father (in social development she functions right around 4 years old) which causes constant struggles between her and my daughter. She is a tall 11 year old and my daughter is a tiny 4 year old and I am afraid if I don't intervene in their conflicts that it will end up in my daughter being injured. To add to this, his daughter is not good at self care due to her mental delays. Physically she is fine. She has just learned to take showers and her father still has to wash her hair and dry her off. I honestly live in fear of the day that she will start her first period on his visitation weekend with them! I do not feel comfortable taking on the roll of personal care nurse for her menstural cycle and I feel even more uncomfortable that her father will have to do it. Can anyone guide me to a resource to help with giving her instruction to these self care issues and for me so I may more effectively intergrate my daughter and her. I feel like I am alone in this type of situation (though I am sure I am not). I just hope that my daughter doesn't pay the price for this relationship. Special needs sure do make blending families all the more difficult. Anyone else experienced in this???

By the way....the 14 year old and I get along great and she is an amazing teenager though I feel bad because the demands of her sister really take away from her time.

[SoleMate]

I feel even more uncomfortable that her father will have to do (menstrual care)

He's her father and he is responsible for her care. I recommend shaking off any discomfort that you may feel for him. It's his issue, not yours, and I am sure he has thought of it. Be honest with him ahead of time.

I don't have experience with disabled children, but I do know that they can be extra challenging in just the ways you described. The other children can get short shrift, or even be injured as you suggest. I sure wouldn't want to live in that kind of fear.

Does the mother have any involvement? Would she be willing to take the disabled child part-time, to spread the load more fairly? Or does she in fact have them most of the time?

If you are contemplating marriage, I would make sure that at least some milestones are set and accomplished, including behavioral and therapeutic milestones for the daughter, and understandings between you and your bf as to what the family responsibilities would be. You and your bf should be having some major heart to hearts about this right now. I'm sure he's aware that you did not bargain for an unusually disruptive stepchild.

I'm not even totally convinced that the children of the two families should be blended. I would consider a model whereby blending would occur only insofar as it appeared to be in the best interests of both children. That's not how the Brady Bunch did it, but then I wouldn't choose their decor or hairstyles either.

Good luck, you'll need it. I hope what you and this fellow have is deep, strong and real, because it will be tested...

[moimeme]

I know a man who was responsible for full care of his daughter throughout her adolescence. She's now managed to move to a group home but he took care of her in every respect. He took it in stride. I'm sure there are medical personnel who can counsel you and/or him on dealing with these issues.