I'm not sure if I'm considering everything that I should be in this situation.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now and he is having a baby with an ex-girlfriend. He already has a six year old with this woman that was a result of a one-night stand. So he 'stepped up to the plate' and became a wonderful father. Since then this guy has been linked (but not in a serious relationship ) to this girl and has not had many opportunities to meet other woman until now.

So it wasn't a big deal that he had slept with his son's mother a month before we started dating. She has become pregnant as a result.

My biggest problem is that this guy is the most wonderful guy that I've ever met. We share so many of the same loves and passions in life, and seem to be intuitively in sync with each other. If it wasn't for these other circumstances, I would be positive that "He is the guy for me".

His family loves me and is supporting us, my family really doesn't approve and is having nothing to do with him. Am I considering the full picture and the seriousness of the situation. Should I stick it out with this wonderful guy or should I cut my losses and move on with my life. So far I am taking the wait and see attitude about it. He doesn't know what kind of a role he'll be playing in this childs life and believes as I do that it deserves the best.


Please help me sort this out!

[Tony T]

The only problem I detect from your post is that unless your guy has a very stable job and makes excellent money, the child support payments that will go on for years could drain the two of you if you ever decided to marry him. Right up there close to that is the fact that he will have to be linked to this other woman forever since they have the bond of having two children together. Next down from there, he doesn't know very much about birth control. Needless to say, there will be the children who will be visiting often and you'll have to take on the role of step mother. If the two of you have children of your own, complications will pick up from there. Right now, you feel he is the most wonderful man who ever lived. My advice is to date him for a few years to see if you feel the same way down the line. And be sure you take a major role in assuring that until the two of you might be married, no more children enter the picture. That will botch up the deal big time.

The decision is yours.

Thanks Tony:
Good finances and patience will be key.
The first time the condom broke and the second time (we believe) she wasn't taking the pill properly. He had faith in her at the time and is very frustrated with himself and that he trusted her.

[Lani01]

Hi Liliflora,
You seem to be a very smart woman.
I am sure if she had to post a message now it might sound like
this..."My boyfriend is cheating on me with another woman and I am pregnant". All I can tell you is be very careful, I hate to be negative, but hey, a man can say one thing today and say the opposite tommorow. I am not calling your guy a liar but you don't know if this is just a phase he is going through with this woman. It is true we never know the future or things might really work out your way, however, while the relationship is still young you really need to consider what can be in the near couple months after this woman gave birth. Please don't set yourself up. I know what I am talking about
Alot of men go through phases when their wife or Gfriend is expecting, they look for a temporary "getaway" then when things seem to get back in gear and they think they can deal with thier
reality now.... thier famous words are "I am sorry" if you are lucky to get one at all, instead of the ...I am going to you ignore you hint. That one hurts!! just my 2 cents.

[Fancy]

Lani01 is right on. I have been in a similar situation to yours and all I can say is that you're going to have a very, very long row to hoe with him. I hung on as long as I could but I finally had to throw in the towel. It was just more baggage than I was willing to put up with. If you decide to remain, I hope you have tons and tons of patience. You'll need it. I'm not trying to be ugly......it's just reality.

Like Fancy I agree with Lani01 as well after being in a situation sort of similar too both of you guys. This guy I
was with had a baby daughter that was only a couple of months old. He had just broken up with her like a month or two before meeting me. He was even still living with the mother till she moved out like a week later.

The mother of the baby never seems to blame the father. It always seems. This girl blamed it all on me even though they had already broken up when the guy had met me. It was probably because she was the one that had moved out because of the situation.

It will probably be the same for you Liliflora. Even though they might not be living together she will still probably blame you for the fact that they are not together.

My ex's girlfriend ended up getting pregnant again but she ended up having a miscarraige which got blamed on me too but my ex had told me it was because she wasn't looking after herself properly amongst other things. That chick was pretty messed up. You can tell just looking at her. She even has no hair. She cut it one day out of frustration. That's what my ex told me. They smoked stuff too. Not when the baby was in the room. I never did though. I don't smoke at all. I think it's disgusting. A 26 year old with a 21 year old? I guess that is not much of an age gap but still. I hate that physco bitch.

He is going to have less time for you once this baby is born. This other woman is always going to be in his life and if you decide to stay with him yours too.

Having kids looks like a lot too deal with. Especially in your 20's. I have no kids. I just see what some of my friends go through. It has put me off till I am like 30. Lol.

I really liked my ex at the time he kept telling me he had strong feelings for me and all that crap but then after a while he relised he wasn't doing the right thing dumped me and went back to the mother of his child. It really hurt
me. I guess I got my heart broken by that bastard too.

Just don't get too attached to the guy like I did. I think it will be a long time before I date a guy with kids again. If I ever allow myself too.

Five months later I am totally over it and I am glad that I am a 23 year old that doesn't have to deal with that sort of baggage. It is good to feel totally free and do whatever you want with no one holding you back.

[cenilla]

So, this wonderful guy kept sleeping with his ex-gf becuase he hadnt had chance to meet nicer women....he used her to fill his needs and emptyness, at meantime, he kept hunting...... 2 children born out wedlock....wonderful father? by telling the children that both of them were accidents and by-products of his moment pleasure but not the results of a happy marriage? No matter how "wonderfully" he treats his children, are these the family values the children are going to learn from him?

You sure he will have his sights set on you? you sure he wont have any chances to meet someone better than you? You sure you are well-prepared to be a step-mother helping him raise these children?

Unless all the answers are "Yes Yes I am sure", I would suggest you learn from him, keep looking until the better one comes along.

[Iamhappy]

Well said, cenilla.

That advice is great. Something that I really needed to hear! I'm still with him now a month later and it hasn't gotten any better!

I don't know it it's just me making excuses for him. I don't see it as his fault, he used protection the first time and assumed she was taking the 'pill' properly the second time it happened. He encouraged her to have an abortion because of the circumstances of bringing the child into the world--- it deserves better. I'm prochoice as well. Too me accidents happen and the man doesn't have a say in the situation at all, which is unfortunate, even as the child grows he is granted little power from the courts.

I do agree with how he seemed to be using the girl, while he was waiting for something better to come along. She was doing the same thing though. But I'm also wondering was he leading her on??? But really how could she when they tried to live together and couldn't and that they weren't married after six years?!

This girl seems nuts as well, very difficult and controls my boyfriend through the child they share together. I just had it out with him because he didn't want me to join him and his son for brunch because of how it will make 'her' mad and as a result she may not allow my boyfriend to see his son next weekend. He's afraid of her and she controls him which affects me. So I only get to see him when he isn't with his son and that is sometimes on Friday night and Sunday nights. I'm just told to be patient and that is just the way it is.

It seems crazy to me, how did I get myself into this situation? I'm very understanding of his situation and he has been nothing but perfectly honest with me. He's acknowledged that he doesn't know what will happen to us after the second child is born, that he has commitment problems, and that he isn't sure if he will even want more children.

But I still really like the guy. He is just a poor guy that got himself into a tough situation. He is a great match for me otherwise, if it wasn't for all this he and I would be just fine.

Time will tell I guess, but that is also dangerous because I'm also getting attached.
Thanks for your comments!

(Just rereading what I'm saying is leading me slowly to what I'm really starting to think and feel: the answer to my own questions it seems)