Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
My live-in GF Cheated on me a month or two before we moved in together.
My GF just told me on Wednesday that she slept with some guy this year but before we moved in together. We moved in together at the end of March. She confessed and says it was a huge mistake and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That she doesn't want to lose me and that it will never happen again and never happened before. I am devastated and can't bring myself to look at her sometimes. I am an emotional wreck. I go from being angry to crying my eyes out to feeling sick to my stomach. The fact that we live together means there is no where I can go to escape these feelings.
Some background: We have been seeing each other for over two years. We met and things progressed very fast and after about 9 months she broke up with me. She has a lot of emotional issues. She is a rape victim and suffers from PTSD at times. She has never really had anyone care about her. I knew about all this and accepted it when we were started dating. I knew she had a hard life and I loved her anyway. I still love her. I know she loves me but that doesn't seem to matter right now. She broke up with me and I know during those couple months she was with someone at least once, someone I knew and had suspected she liked even when we were dating. When she wanted to get back together a few months later I forgave her for this because we were broken up and as far as I was concerned she could do what she wanted during that time. This is different. I have never done anything but try to make her happy. She repeatedly refers to me as "perfect" as if this is somehow the reason she did what she did, that she couldn't reconcile who she is and be with me. At any rate, she is saying she will do anything. Counseling, give up drinking, never go out without me, anything I want her to do to try and make this work. I believe she is sincere but I don't know if I can live with the images in my head. I get so angry I want to throw up. I am a very logical, fair minded person and what she did is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. She told me and that counts for something. She says she told me because she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and she needed to tell me. I always knew it was a possibility because she goes out and gets drunk and has a lot of guy friends of questionable character, not to mention all the mental and emotional trauma she has, but I never thought she would actually do it after all we worked through. I guess that is my fault. My friends would all tell me she is damaged goods and I should just run but I empathized with her as I suffer from clinical depression and have my own issues. I told myself they didn't know her the way I did. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved. I am so hurt I don't know what to do. I always said that the one thing I would NEVER tolerate was to be cheated on and I even told her a couple times when things were not so good that I didnt care what she did but if she was going to cheat on me then break up with me first. Dont do that to me. She says we were having a rough time and she was feeling like she didnt want to live and didnt care and just wanted to feel something. She says being with me makes her think about all the things wrong with her and that ****ing this guy let her forget about all that. She says she is not making excuses, she says she knows she hurt me more than anyone ever has and has been crying, pleading with me to give her a chance to make things right. She is setting up counseling for us to attend and says she will do anything and that she loves me and can't imagine her life without me. How do I reconcile this with my own ultimatum I always told myself about cheating. If I get cheated on I'm gone. Its black and white. But yet I still love her and I can't imagine my life without her either. I was going to marry this girl. I feel like my whole life has been completely shattered by this. I cant think about anything else. I can't enjoy myself. Its a 4 day weekend and I just want to be unconscious. I dont give a **** about the holiday. About seeing family, about being at the beach. I can't imagine myself being able to have a good time. I can't believe she did this to me. I don't know what to do. Do I throw away everything we have/had (or did she already do that when she ****ed this guy) or do I try to forgive her? Has anyone else been in my situation? Were you able to get through it and trust and love her again? Did it work out? I have read that relationships can become stronger after something like this but to be perfectly honest right now it doesn't feel that is possible. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again.
Cheat once, and it means you are capable of it again. No one just does it once. She told you only to release some of her own guilt. She told you for no other reason.
You will never forget that she cheated on you. Every time you have sex you will remember. If you have children with her, you will remember. You will remember on dates. This will cause a gap between you two and she will grow tired of hearing about how she messed up and you will never feel fully repaid.
If you cheat on me, I do not care what the circumstances were, or how long we have been dating/married, it is done.
You can't imagine life without her?
What did you do before you met her?
Life existed before, and you survived.
Life will exiast again, and you'll survive.
but this is a no-no.
Whether you decide to forgive her outright, or suggest counselling, it's your choice.
But the effort to repair and move on will also have to come from you.
And whilst you -and only you - can truly ever know whether you can in fact get over this and move on, or how long it will take you - she - and only she - will know whether she can stay the distance, and remain faithful for the duration.
How far are you prepared to take the risk?
__________________ There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
" A cross between a new age Buddhist Monk and Xena the Warrior Princess" GrayClouds.Caliguy's No Contact Guide.
So sue me for being an optimist but I disagree...If both parties are willing to work very hard then I feel in SOME situations, things can be reconciled. However if you, the person who has been wronged, are seeing that you're not going to be able to let this go and that all you're going to be doing is punishing this person subtly for all eternity (Which IS completely understandable), then maybe you should end it. You know what needs to happen is you guys need to not live together...you need your space. I don't think you should live with her til you have the commitment of a marriage...
My GF just told me on Wednesday that she slept with some guy this year but before we moved in together. We moved in together at the end of March. She confessed and says it was a huge mistake and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That she doesn't want to lose me and that it will never happen again and never happened before. I am devastated and can't bring myself to look at her sometimes. I am an emotional wreck. I go from being angry to crying my eyes out to feeling sick to my stomach. The fact that we live together means there is no where I can go to escape these feelings.
Some background: We have been seeing each other for over two years. We met and things progressed very fast and after about 9 months she broke up with me. She has a lot of emotional issues. She is a rape victim and suffers from PTSD at times. She has never really had anyone care about her. I knew about all this and accepted it when we were started dating. I knew she had a hard life and I loved her anyway. I still love her. I know she loves me but that doesn't seem to matter right now. She broke up with me and I know during those couple months she was with someone at least once, someone I knew and had suspected she liked even when we were dating. When she wanted to get back together a few months later I forgave her for this because we were broken up and as far as I was concerned she could do what she wanted during that time. This is different. I have never done anything but try to make her happy. She repeatedly refers to me as "perfect" as if this is somehow the reason she did what she did, that she couldn't reconcile who she is and be with me. At any rate, she is saying she will do anything. Counseling, give up drinking, never go out without me, anything I want her to do to try and make this work. I believe she is sincere but I don't know if I can live with the images in my head. I get so angry I want to throw up. I am a very logical, fair minded person and what she did is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. She told me and that counts for something. She says she told me because she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and she needed to tell me. I always knew it was a possibility because she goes out and gets drunk and has a lot of guy friends of questionable character, not to mention all the mental and emotional trauma she has, but I never thought she would actually do it after all we worked through. I guess that is my fault. My friends would all tell me she is damaged goods and I should just run but I empathized with her as I suffer from clinical depression and have my own issues. I told myself they didn't know her the way I did. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved. I am so hurt I don't know what to do. I always said that the one thing I would NEVER tolerate was to be cheated on and I even told her a couple times when things were not so good that I didnt care what she did but if she was going to cheat on me then break up with me first. Dont do that to me. She says we were having a rough time and she was feeling like she didnt want to live and didnt care and just wanted to feel something. She says being with me makes her think about all the things wrong with her and that ****ing this guy let her forget about all that. She says she is not making excuses, she says she knows she hurt me more than anyone ever has and has been crying, pleading with me to give her a chance to make things right. She is setting up counseling for us to attend and says she will do anything and that she loves me and can't imagine her life without me. How do I reconcile this with my own ultimatum I always told myself about cheating. If I get cheated on I'm gone. Its black and white. But yet I still love her and I can't imagine my life without her either. I was going to marry this girl. I feel like my whole life has been completely shattered by this. I cant think about anything else. I can't enjoy myself. Its a 4 day weekend and I just want to be unconscious. I dont give a **** about the holiday. About seeing family, about being at the beach. I can't imagine myself being able to have a good time. I can't believe she did this to me. I don't know what to do. Do I throw away everything we have/had (or did she already do that when she ****ed this guy) or do I try to forgive her? Has anyone else been in my situation? Were you able to get through it and trust and love her again? Did it work out? I have read that relationships can become stronger after something like this but to be perfectly honest right now it doesn't feel that is possible. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again.
First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would advise you to keep your word regarding the cheating. If you back down now, what is to stop her from doing it again? As for her not making excuses, not only is she making them but you seem to making excuses for her too (her troubled past, etc.). Having a troubled past does not give you the excuse to cheat on your partner, I am sorry but it just does not! I cannot be with someone that cheats because if there is no trust in a relationship there is no relationship. Good luck!
__________________ The problem with your gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would advise you to keep your word regarding the cheating. If you back down now, what is to stop her from doing it again? As for her not making excuses, not only is she making them but you seem to making excuses for her too (her troubled past, etc.). Having a troubled past does not give you the excuse to cheat on your partner, I am sorry but it just does not! I cannot be with someone that cheats because if there is no trust in a relationship there is no relationship. Good luck!
I second this. Her troubled past is *****ty, no doubt about it. But does that give her a free pass to betray people she professes to love? Of course not. When she cheated on you, she made a decision to do so.
It can only be your decision. But if it were me, I'd end it. (And I say this as somebody who got cheated on when married but was initially willing to try to fix things. In retrospect, I wouldn't have bothered. It was broken -- I'd never forget, and who knows if I'd ever have been able to forgive her.)
__________________
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
She says we were having a rough time and she was feeling like she didnt want to live and didnt care and just wanted to feel something. She says being with me makes her think about all the things wrong with her and that ****ing this guy let her forget about all that.
If she feels like this again, she will probably go out and screw someone so that she doesn't have to "feel".
You both sound too damaged to be in a r. She has PTSD and sounds like some BPD (I'm no psychologist) and you have severe depression. Not a good mix. Kinda like two wet noodles trying to hold each other up. Impossible!
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I also had a troubled past but I feel deep within my heart that to cheat and hurt the person I claim to love is totally unacceptable. I loved my xhusband dearly but when I found out that he was seeing womeone else it made it easier for me to leave him.
I know myself and I know that I could not get past something as vile as that. I think that she will do it again its just a matter of when. She doesn't know how to process her emotions and so she acts out sexually when she is overwhelmed.
Maybe you could try counseling but I would agree with the other poster that you should not be living together. You need space to think.
__________________ Power is having the ability to walk away from that which I desire (him), to protect that which I love (me).
My GF just told me on Wednesday that she slept with some guy this year but before we moved in together. We moved in together at the end of March. She confessed and says it was a huge mistake and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That she doesn't want to lose me and that it will never happen again and never happened before. I am devastated and can't bring myself to look at her sometimes. I am an emotional wreck. I go from being angry to crying my eyes out to feeling sick to my stomach. The fact that we live together means there is no where I can go to escape these feelings.
Your situation is nearly identical to mine, about a month ago and it's pretty horrible because I know exactly what you're going through. However, it will get better, but you just have to build up enough strength to walk way, no matter the cost.
Straight to the point my friend.
When my ex-girlfriend told me she cheated, I was devastated, but the true feelings didn't come till sometime after. I was blinded by love and thinking with my heart at first. I did take her back, but it just did not feel right. After a week or two, when I started to regain my composure, the true hatred surfaced. When I was finally able to think logically, that's when I realized the magnitude of her actions and the window of opportunity I had to take. Which was ultimately removing her from my life, regardless of the past.
What you're feeling now (Hurt, Betrayed, Guilt, Anger, and Doubt) wont ever go away while you're with her. No matter how easy it is to try and forgive her, you'll always have these ups n' downs, day to day. You won't get any sleep, your work performance will drop substantially, and your mental and physical health will also decrease. Soon you'll begin (if you haven't already) doubting yourself, but trust me; it had nothing to do with you.
Let me also point out that she'll do anything in her power to keep you. As vulnerable as you are, you will probably fall right back into her arms, but just ask yourself this question.. Do you really want the person that shot you, tending to your wounds? You should also talk to as many people as you can about the incident and get some insight and guidance. Hang out with friends more, because they will make it that much quicker and easier in the end.
Good luck.
Last edited by Javelin; 4th July 2009 at 4:22 PM..
I guess that is my fault. My friends would all tell me she is damaged goods and I should just run but I empathized with her as I suffer from clinical depression and have my own issues.
Hey... You took a chance and got burned. This is the second time she has cheated on you... Don't think for a moment that just because she dumped you for a month that it wasn't cheating! Fact is that she had her eye on that guy for some time... and dumped you just to try him out!
You need to reach down and find your testicles and kick her out!
You will never be more than second best with this girl. If she really loved you she would not be cheating on you. If you take her back... she WILL cheat on you again.
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Originally Posted by gp80
I have read that relationships can become stronger after something like this but to be perfectly honest right now it doesn't feel that is possible. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again.
That is a pile of crap! Relationships never... NEVER get stronger from cheating!
Often times people start communicating after, but the anger and trust issues never fade.
Do I throw away everything we have/had (or did she already do that when she ****ed this guy)
You wouldn't be throwing it away. She already threw away everything you had when she opened her thighs for another guy.
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or do I try to forgive her?
that would be up to you, but whether you forgive her or not, I'd still advise leaving her. You won't be able to trust her, and for good reason...she can't be trusted....thats obvious.
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Has anyone else been in my situation? Were you able to get through it and trust and love her again?
no, I divorced her.
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I have read that relationships can become stronger after something like this but to be perfectly honest right now it doesn't feel that is possible. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again.
People claim that they "survived" infidelity and kept the relationship (whatever "survived" means).
But with your outlook on it, you aren't going to survive this and you will ALWAYS look at her with some contempt, and for good reason, and will always be suspicious of her in some way.
I know this is hard for you. Been there, done that. I guarantee you that if you stay with her, you will go mad running through all the scenarios of her screwing another guy in your head. The images might diminish over time, but you will NEVER forget what she did.
Are you willing to put up with that? Thinking about what she did to you from time to time?
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