Hi...let me tell my story as quickly and briefly as I can.
I am a 21-year-old college student who has been dependent on my parents for most of my college life for things like rent, school, etc. I had attended college in my home state for three years, and this summer I traveled 1000 miles to take summer classes in another state (at a school I have been considering for grad. school). My parents didn't really support it, but they still helped me get out here. We haven't had a good relationship for a very long time. My mom likes to pretend that we are a perfect family, but it is far from the truth. My parents have been very controlling since I turned 12 or 13, well particularly my mother. I have been verbally, emotionally, and physically abused (disciplined....at 18-19??) and it has done major damage to my self-esteem and ability to function properly. A quick example of this: When I was 15, I developed an eating disorder....of course I hid it from my parents and the rest of the world. Finally, after almost a year, I broke down at school and told a counselor, who told my mom. She picked me up from school, slapped me, and told me that I was ruining our family image and that WE don't have those kinds of problems. I never got the help I needed for my eating disorder, and it still haunts me. I still have months where I engage in unhealthy behaviors. This is beside the point.
Well, I apologize if this next part sounds foolish. Over a year ago, I became friends with someone with whom I shared many interests, goals, and amazing, mutual friends (this person lived 1000 mi away from me!) Eventually, we started dating. My parents knew this and at first didn't do much about it except tell me that I should end it (this person is also fifteen years older than me). Of course, I didn't...because finally I was happy for the first time in a long time. My boyfriend and I did things like hiking the Grand Canyon, and climbing a mountain together. We had some amazing bonding experiences and have been able to see each other as just...people...rather than a number or a location. Now my mom is telling me that I must choose between him and her. She told my whole extended family that I am mentally ill and would rather live with a pervert then be loved by them (she has never even met him. She told him to call her, and he did, but she never answered or returned the calls....we have been planning on him meeting her but I guess nevermind!). She told me that if I don't come home, she is taking my personal things to the dump and selling my car. She said she will never forgive me. She took all of the money out of my bank account, and I now have 100 dollars to my name. Right now, I am living in a dorm, but I MUST be out by next Thursday, and if I don't make a decision soon, I will be living on the streets, literally.
My dad offered to buy a plane ticket home only if I will apologize to the entire family and if I will never talk to my "loser lover" again. Apologize for what? Being happy? I'm sorry...I am wondering if it safe to go back there...I feel like I will never become a healthy, functioning adult if I do because they will continue to control me. I realize I have been dependent on them financially, but I am willing to change that for my health and happiness. The one thing I feel bad about is seeing my family hurt.
My boyfriend also offered me a plane ticket and his home. His family and friends have been very supportive of me coming there and are helping me find a job. I would take out loans to go to school where he lives and try to work and finish school simulatenously. But my family would probably not speak to me for a very, very long time. I am afraid of this, but I don't know if it is completely because I have never been away from them really or because I am afraid of their control and losing my self-esteem and dreams again.
Please help....this is a problem which must be solved literally today.
If at 21, your parents are still supporting you (which is not unusual, as a college student), then it's understandable that they will try and dictate your life. They feel they still own you, so they can control what you do, and with whom you do it.
Bottom line - either you cut the ties with the family and become an independent young woman, or you allow them to support you, and call the shots.
FWIW, I'm not a parent, but if I were, I'd also be HIGHLY concerned about a 36-year old man, who lives 1000 miles away, suddenly taking up with my 21-year old daughter. It does sound predatory, so I can appreciate your parents worries...
__________________ "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." - Albert Einstein
There is not a culturual issue, but my parents ARE very conservative. I am not.
I can completely understand the age issue from an outsider's point of view, and as my mom sees it. BUT remember, part of the reason we even started talking in the beginning was because we had mutual friends. I am not saying that I am trying to be naive, but I trust my own judgement as well as the judgement of other people who know him, went to school with him, live near him, etc. He has been very genuine and constant with keeping his family and friends informed about what is going on since our relationship started, in ALL aspects of our relationship. And of course I cannot predict the future on whether we will stay together or if it will end, but at least I have a support network where he is from with people that I knew on my own (not through him) that are in the area. I think that in itself is an added advantage if I needed to move out or go somewhere else.
Before you make any major decisions, I think you need to consider this question. If you sever ties to your parents and thus end up without a cent to your name, AND you end up breaking up with your bf or he doesn't hold good on his promises (I know, highly unlikely, but you still need to consider), do you have ANY other options to at least be able to survive and finish college? Would you still be able to pay for your schooling AND board and basic necessities in the event that you don't have your bf to pay for a ticket, help you find a job and provide you with a home?
While I agree that you should distance yourself from your parents ASAP, I also think there is a time and place for everything. If by severing ties with your parents, you end up COMPLETELY dependent on your bf for your mere survival, I wouldn't do it, IMO. I wouldn't stop the relationship but I'd find a way to do it on the sly while planning to attain financial freedom (that ISN'T dependent on the bf) and move out ASAP.
If there still is a way out (your loans + part time work would be enough to pay for school + board + expenses) in the event that you sever ties with your parents AND also happen to lose your bf's support... then yeah girl go for it!
I'm in nearly the same situation as you but as my graduation is very close at hand and my parents actually do love me (they're just extremely misguided), I'm choosing the path of resolution and then peaceful parting (migrating to another country) when I'm financially independent.
Last edited by Elswyth; 5th July 2009 at 3:47 PM..
You sound too vulnerable to make a decision either way, so dont. If the boyfriend is genuine he will understand and lay low for a bit. Dont put yourself in a position that you become dependant on him for too many things too early though. Even if he is super fantastic. People change. As a parent I would not be happy with a 36 year old man being with either of my daughters - but then again, I would never let any of my children go or treat them badly. I cant even imagine what my Hubby would do!
I say do whatever you need to secure a level of independence from both parties. But mainly I am concerned about what you said about being fearful of going back home. If there has been any violence in the past or something, please seek help in the real world asap. Dont endanger yourself.
This is your life honey.
If there isnt any violence as such, you are going to have to learn how to de-sensitize and disengage yourself from the things that they say. Really at your age you should not care as much about parents opinions. By now you should have an idea of what to absorb and what to reject. I am concerned that you are not able to do this, which really does suggest a lot of vulnerablity. Also the eating disorder thing needs looking into.
Gosh, my kids know in their heart of hearts that I would never disown them. You should have that, I see it as a right. I am SO sorry that you dont. Find ways to give yourself the security you need and in doing this the things they say will eventually become less important.
Anyhow, as I always say to my kids - have fun etc but, 'studies first, life after'. Play them at their own game if you have to. But protect yourself and your future as far as possible and get support to make a break if you are in danger, most definately.
I hope you're ok, and that everything is well with you.
May one ask.... what course of action are you going to pursue?
Be well.
__________________ There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
" A cross between a new age Buddhist Monk and Xena the Warrior Princess" GrayClouds.Caliguy's No Contact Guide.
I am a little concerned about your being hospitalized for intensive therapy. it may sound a bit as though your parents have some legitimate worries about your stability and ability to make prudent decisions regarding money, schooling and your future.
If your mother were to post here, what do you think she would tell us in her first post?
I hope you are feeling better, and are getting in a better frame of mind.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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