Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
8 year relationship broken by jealousy, need therapy for myself..
Hi All,
I'm going thru a major life crisis right now.. I was engaged to my fiance of whom I've been with for 8.5 years.. basically its like we've been married already because we've cohabitated for several years..
I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out.. she went on a 2 month break with barely in contact to me... I respected her space and then she met me last Thursday and gave me back the ring and called off the engagement.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I hate myself for being mentally sick over the past several years..
I was never a jealous person until she came into my life.. I met her and she swooped me off my feet... While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..
Anyway, she comes back and we continue dating some more.. until the night we first got intimate, i found out she gave it up to some high school fling that she would never ever see again... they weren't even official or anything..
I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..
So anyway, that was in the beginning.. then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend".. I was even devastated more.. It felt so disrespectful after how she hurt me the first time...
So that was all in the first year of our relationship..
fast forward 8.5 years later, i lost my job over the past year and have been unemployed.. I've been feeling low lately and don't feel secure about myself.. OVer the last year, I've caused petty arguments with her about her loyalty to me.. She's the type thats very friendly to everybody and her two sisters moved down to the area and now she's more occupied than ever.. I guess I was starting to miss her attention right when I needed it the most..
Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again...
this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore..
I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself...
I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...
so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)...
Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again...
this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore..
I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself...
I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...
so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)...
While I was not there and do not know how you treated your GF day to day.... based on this... I would say you are way to harsh on yourself.
Bottom line is that your GF was a piece of crap. It sounds like she cheated on you several times.
Also.... I don't think it's a coincidence that you get dumped while unemployed. Chances are you were just a paycheck to her anyway.
Count yourself LUCKY that she is out of your life now. You've already wasted 8.5 years with a worthless piece of trash... Now you have the chance to spend the next 8.5 years with someone who is worth your time.
Oh.... and therapy is a good idea. Your going to have to deal with all of these feelings at some point. It will help you in the next relationship.
While I was not there and do not know how you treated your GF day to day.... based on this... I would say you are way to harsh on yourself.
Bottom line is that your GF was a piece of crap. It sounds like she cheated on you several times.
Also.... I don't think it's a coincidence that you get dumped while unemployed. Chances are you were just a paycheck to her anyway.
Count yourself LUCKY that she is out of your life now. You've already wasted 8.5 years with a worthless piece of trash... Now you have the chance to spend the next 8.5 years with someone who is worth your time.
Oh.... and therapy is a good idea. Your going to have to deal with all of these feelings at some point. It will help you in the next relationship.
Best of Luck!
I disagree. I think if she were really considered you a "paycheck", she wouldn't have given the ring back so easily. My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.
I don't think you're being too hard on yourself at all. I think you're the only one that can change you, and if you truly want this girl back (even with the flaws), then you need to change your attitude about the whole thing. You need to work on letting go of the past and not hold onto it like some sort of ammunition for a future fight.
Sounds to me like she was young when she lost her virginity, and the reason she had sex with you afterwards is because she realized that she wanted to share that with you. It sounds as if you may have been more suspicious or controlling than you needed to be, and it finally became the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'm not trying to bag on you. I'm merely telling you what I see. You sound a lot like me, and I went through a similar incident. The thing that helped me was to step back and see where I could change my way of thinking.
I disagree. I think if she were really considered you a "paycheck", she wouldn't have given the ring back so easily. My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.
I would typically agree with you, but not under these circumstances.
She cheated early on. That can make guys who are not jealous at all, into crazy jealous types. Especially when they don't have much self esteem to begin with.
Why didn't she dump him 3 years ago? 4 years ago? 1 year ago? Why wait until he is unemployed... ? That should imply something about her motives.
She is a trashbag, and OP should be happy she is gone.
All valid points. However, I doubt she viewed it as cheating early on, but there's not enough information to speculate on that.
It could be that the reason she didn't dump him 3 or 4 years ago was that she was working on or hoping that things would get better. Maybe it wasn't as bad back then. But, when you lose your job, and you're feeling like crap over being unemployed and feeling useless, some people project that disdain on other things. Maybe the OP just pushed his luck a little too hard with that.
Either way, if she were really a gold-digger, she'd have kept the ring at least. Not to mention that by breaking up with him, she's throwing that paycheck out the window. I understand he's not working now, but that doesn't mean he'll never work again.
Certainly try to come to grips with your emotions and what you want out of future relationships and what you have to offer. You dont want to make the mistakes in your next relationship.
Focus on yourself. Being jealous didnt make you happy. No need to speculate further on her...this one is gone.
__________________
"She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love."
Radio Head
Either way, if she were really a gold-digger, she'd have kept the ring at least. Not to mention that by breaking up with him, she's throwing that paycheck out the window. I understand he's not working now, but that doesn't mean he'll never work again.
It just doesn't add up to me.
Just my humble opinion.
I doubt he ever had enough money for her to qualify as a gold digger. In my experience women would be just as likely to stay for comfort/convenience. I think he has probably just been a backup guy for a long time. Chances are when she left there was already a specific guy in the back of her mind. - All conjecture of course, but it fills in some blanks.
I went back and read his earlier thread. It's clear he has issues. However, I think she caused a good chunk of the problems here... and they may be healthier apart.
I disagree. I think if she were really considered you a "paycheck", she wouldn't have given the ring back so easily. My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.
I don't think you're being too hard on yourself at all. I think you're the only one that can change you, and if you truly want this girl back (even with the flaws), then you need to change your attitude about the whole thing. You need to work on letting go of the past and not hold onto it like some sort of ammunition for a future fight.
Sounds to me like she was young when she lost her virginity, and the reason she had sex with you afterwards is because she realized that she wanted to share that with you. It sounds as if you may have been more suspicious or controlling than you needed to be, and it finally became the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'm not trying to bag on you. I'm merely telling you what I see. You sound a lot like me, and I went through a similar incident. The thing that helped me was to step back and see where I could change my way of thinking.
Good luck!
Wow!! Out of all the respones I've read, this is the most on point and optimistic one I've seen.. you are right, I know she's sorry and she was actually supporting me for quite some time.. it wasn't about the money or anything, she has alot of potential and i love the way you explained how she made a mistake because she's just too much of a "nice girl" and she did have something going on with the other dude but her ultimate mistake was getting me involved with her and causing some unfinished business.. I've seen her change to who she really wants to be.. she became more of a conservative family woman but now that she's single again, I forced an identity crisis on her again.. she's going back to her insecure old self and trying so hard to get noticed again.. I know its a mask for her pain and I hope when all this dust settles, we can start new.. I don't expect her to forgive me since it was so hard for me to forgive her (more like forgetting)... but since she started this mess and if she can find it in her heart to forgive me and give us a second chance, we both know we both screwed up and can start all over.... thats what im hoping...
While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..
I see CASUALLY dating written there... And yes being 18 does make a difference...
I see CASUALLY dating written there... And yes being 18 does make a difference...
is there some official rule that says you are allowed to cheat if you are 18? It doesn't matter if she 18 or 50 cheating is cheating. What we do when we are 18 are pretty good indicators of who we are.
is there some official rule that says you are allowed to cheat if you are 18? It doesn't matter if she 18 or 50 cheating is cheating. What we do when we are 18 are pretty good indicators of who we are.
If you actually read what is going on here you might understand what I am saying.
They were casually dating when she was 18 and she hooked up with another guy. THAT WAS ALMOST 9 YEARS AGO...
She told him before they were intimate and he decided to stay with her. This in NOT a reason to justify jealously years later...
If you actually read what is going on here you might understand what I am saying.
They were casually dating when she was 18 and she hooked up with another guy. THAT WAS ALMOST 9 YEARS AGO...
She told him before they were intimate and he decided to stay with her. This in NOT a reason to justify jealously years later...
Hi Lovelorcet,
are you a woman by any chance? hehe.. and yes, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND my jealousy doesn't justify itself being this far out... I've read somewhere regarding jealousy after an affair (or mini affair wahtever you wanna call it), can resurface 8-10 years later..
And it comes at a point where my self esteem as at an all time low... I heard depression can open up all the painful memories of the past no matter how buried they are...
Some people can look at this "cheating" thing to their own perspective.. bottom line is, whenever you lead someone on, don't ever mess up your first impression and change the dynamics by putting someone in between you.. thats the way I see things..
I read an article in Maxim Magazine about cheating hearts.. it says "people put on their best behavior when they start dating people, so if you were cheated on in the beginning, look at that as their best behavior".. boy was I surprised.. I hope thats not her best behaviro because I've seen her change to a much more mature secured beautiful woman.... it was me who was changing for the worse...
No, I am actually quite male :-) I am just very rational and realistic...
I would not consider someone my gf is I was just casually dating them I see no exclusivity here so it is not possible to cheat.
TWO people have to agree to exclusiveness before there can be cheating.
Now I am not saying that what she did was in great taste or anything but she even told you before she was intimate with you.
It was at THIS point that you needed to deal with the situation, you could have rejected her based on her actions. You should have seen that she was maybe "just not that into you."
You choose to stay with her, meaning you choose to accept her and it is then also YOUR responsibility to deal with the issues you have from the situation in a healthy way. Pining over them 8.5 years later is by no means healthy.
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