[rjmars]

Okay, I'm a recent high school graduate who's going to college in the fall. I'm young, I know that. But I've been in this relationship for over a year and a half, and while things have been really rocky at times, I still love him.
The problem is that, almost right after graduation, my boyfriend went back to Europe to visit his family for the summer. It's hard to talk to him on the phone because it's so expensive, and even though we send each other messages fairly often, it doesn't feel the same. Also, we're going to different colleges in the fall. His is only about an hour away from mine, but he won't have a vehicle, and it'll be completely up to me to make visits. Also, I know that I'll be too busy to visit him every weekend.
And, I feel guilty about this, but I started talking to another guy. It's totally innocent right now, except for the way I feel. He's really smart and attractive, like my boyfriend, but he's incredibly charming and polite, and has a strong set of morals (unlike my boyfriend). He knows about my relationship, and appears to respect it. But, we've started talking a lot, especially late at night. We had lunch and saw a movie, and recently, he was in town so he came to my house to help me with an article I was writing (and he stayed for four hours - we talked and watched the USA/Brazil soccer game). I feel really comfortable around him, and we always have a lot of fun.
I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but how bad is it that I'm having this crush? Is it only because my boyfriend isn't around, or does this mean that I should reevaluate my relationship? I mean, we fight a lot, and recently my boyfriend has started to be really controlling (telling me I can't hang out with my friends, criticizing me, etc.). I'm thinking maybe I'm intrigued with this guy because I've been dating a "bad boy" and I want a good one. But at the same time, I care about my boyfriend, and would probably regret it if we broke up. HELP!

[whimsical_memory]

Originally Posted by rjmars

Okay, I'm a recent high school graduate who's going to college in the fall. I'm young, I know that. But I've been in this relationship for over a year and a half, and while things have been really rocky at times, I still love him.
The problem is that, almost right after graduation, my boyfriend went back to Europe to visit his family for the summer. It's hard to talk to him on the phone because it's so expensive, and even though we send each other messages fairly often, it doesn't feel the same. Also, we're going to different colleges in the fall. His is only about an hour away from mine, but he won't have a vehicle, and it'll be completely up to me to make visits. Also, I know that I'll be too busy to visit him every weekend.
And, I feel guilty about this, but I started talking to another guy. It's totally innocent right now, except for the way I feel. He's really smart and attractive, like my boyfriend, but he's incredibly charming and polite, and has a strong set of morals (unlike my boyfriend). He knows about my relationship, and appears to respect it. But, we've started talking a lot, especially late at night. We had lunch and saw a movie, and recently, he was in town so he came to my house to help me with an article I was writing (and he stayed for four hours - we talked and watched the USA/Brazil soccer game). I feel really comfortable around him, and we always have a lot of fun.
I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but how bad is it that I'm having this crush? Is it only because my boyfriend isn't around, or does this mean that I should reevaluate my relationship? I mean, we fight a lot, and recently my boyfriend has started to be really controlling (telling me I can't hang out with my friends, criticizing me, etc.). I'm thinking maybe I'm intrigued with this guy because I've been dating a "bad boy" and I want a good one. But at the same time, I care about my boyfriend, and would probably regret it if we broke up. HELP!

Oh honey. The relationship is already over, you just do not know it yet. First, you already know that you'll be to busy to see your boyfriend a lot. And next you say that your attraction is completely innocent "except for the way I feel"; if you have any sort of feelings for someone other than your boyfriend - it is not innocent. You say you would not cheat on your boyfriend, but sweetie, you have already set into motion actions that you may not be able to stop. It saddens me that you say that you would 'probably' regret breaking up with your boyfriend.
Now, you are still young. You have many years ahead of you to settle down, but if you feel that you might be tempted by this other man, I am begging you to please just end the relationship. It would be better to have a little bit of heartache and know that you did the right thing, rather than continue on the path you are on and be labeled a cheater. Good Luck.
And I will say this, any man with a strong set of morals would not have late night phone conversations with you ("especially late at night").

[ai75]

Agreed, its already over. You have feelings for this new guy because there is something lacking in your current relationship (you addressed a few of them). Yes, you are young... 18, 19? I'm not sure "regret" is the right way to describe potentially leaving your current BF. You will be sad that you are no longer together, but you'll get over it pretty quickly. I stayed with my HS GF for the first two years of college. No regrets, but you will grow up a LOT over the next 4 years and so will he. You'll make new friends, find new interests and who knows where you'll end up after graduation? At your age you are only beginning the journey to finding yourself. I'm 27 and turning a new corner in my journey...

My best advice would be to leave your current BF - not polite or charming, different morals than you, critical, possessive, yada yada. Think about it for a minute? Then think about it some more. I know you love him, you've been together for the majority time that you've been mature enough to date. He ain't the one. And let me tell you something else... 99% chance this new cutie ain't the one either. Leave the old BF and explore this new guy. But, do not DO NOT spend your life bouncing from one BF to another. You will become dependent on male companionship and attention and it will not be good... you want to avoid that like the plague. Spend a good amount of your next few years being single. Date people that you find attractive and quality, figure out what you like and don't like about them, find your identity and cultivate what makes you YOU. You will learn what you stand for, what you want out of life, and develop as a woman.

[samspade]

Attraction isn't a choice, so you're not cheating by finding someone attractive. Acting on those feelings is different. If you are at a point where you are curious enough to consider dating this guy, I'd agree that your relationship is all but dead. Do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and break up so you can date someone else guilt-free.

[rjmars]

Hmm. Well, thank you so much, guys, even though it's not really easy to hear. /:
This is kind of a scary thing, so I think my current plan is to wait until my boyfriend gets back, wait a little while, and see where we're at. I would hate to leave him for another boy, but it seems that we already have problems. You're right, whimsical_memory: we won't see each other often in college. And ai75: I know he's not "the one"! But guys, I really think that if I'm willing, I can turn this around, and maybe be with him another year or so. I mean, the other boy is too respectful to make a move on me while I'm in a relationship, so it would be easy for me to just remain friends with him and try to forget about my "crush."
What do you think? Is it awful to stay with him, even though I don't see us, say, getting married?
I know a lot of this sounds crazy, and if I weren't the person involved, I'd probably know exactly what to do. But, we've been together so long! Your lives get so tangled up and intertwined that it's hard to imagine not being with them.

[samspade]

This is kind of a scary thing, so I think my current plan is to wait until my boyfriend gets back, wait a little while, and see where we're at. I would hate to leave him for another boy, but it seems that we already have problems.

Here's my take on this.

You're already considering dumping your BF, as well as showing signs of curiosity for another guy, which means your relationship with him has probably run its course. The fact that your interest has been piqued shows that you're not "into" your BF like you were. You probably remember a time when your current BF could do no wrong, and no other guy, no matter how attractive to you, would tempt you to leave his side. That's evidently not the case now, and while it's gallant of you to "wait and see," you are probably staving off the inevitable. I sense you're also feeling some remorse; nobody enjoys dumping someone they still like and respect, and it can feel treacherous to do it in favor of testing out a new guy.

Look at it this way....you're not leaving him for "another guy." That's what cheaters do when they've already sampled the buffet. You're leaving him to be single, so you can dip your toes in new waters without the guilt and anguish that comes with betraying someone you love. Think about where your feelings are for your current BF, and if they're diminished significantly, think about whether it's fair to him to put off a break up. After all, maybe he's met someone in Europe and is thinking the same thing.