[lazlow99]

I've been in the US for a month or so now working (I'm 20 btw). I know my parents have been having problems, and even though I no longer live at home I've noticed this and its affected me. My dad has flown out to see me, and he's been acting strange, snapping at me over little things and hinting that he and my mum have not been spending enough time with each other.

I noticed by accident that he was receiving long texts from another woman, so when he went for a shower and left his phone I checked it and found his inbox and sent empty except for one text from this woman and one sent one to my mum just chatting about the holiday. The text from the woman said something like ''I'm glad you called...you're out of sight but not out of mind...had lots of time to think too...can't and don't want to forget you x.'' I forwarded it to myself and saved the womans number to my phone.

I had a feeling something was up but I didn't expect this. They've had a pretty volatile relationship in the past but I thought they were getting better. I'm pretty sure neither cheated while I was at home, and I know my mum would never do it. My dad has suffered from depression and used to take it out on me and still does. We don't have a great relationship and I am closer to my mum and I think he makes her unhappy, and I know he made me very unhappy when I was younger.

I want to tell my mum about the text and confront him when I get home, and also call this woman. I think she deserves to know and my dad is a total coward and a **** for doing this.

Other than my friends theres no one else I can really talk to about this. Like I said I'm an adult now, I can deal with this but I've never been in a situation like this before.

Any advice?

[Ronni_W]

If you were my 20-y/o niece or nephew.
I'd suggest to talk to your dad first, and find out more...including what he has (or has not) told your mom and if, in fact, there is anything of import to tell.
I'd say that while you may think your mom "deserves to know", you also need to dig deep and decide if your mom would WANT to know.
I'd also caution to not let your feelings about your dad get in the way of how you act/react to your suspicions -- make sure there is no intent to "get back" at him for how he's treated you in the past. The person who most likely will get hurt here (if your suspicions are founded), is your mom.

It's not your responsibility or obligation to "out" your dad to your mom. And doing that may backfire on you -- that thing about 'shooting the messenger'.
As you say, YOU can deal with it. That more important question is can YOUR MOM deal with it? How well is she equipped, mentally, emotionally...and financially?
It may be that this is your own burden to bear, which you brought on yourself by going through your dad's texts. Think long and hard before you go uprooting your mom's life.

[lazlow99]

I really don't know what to do. Damaging my mums life is the last thing I want. I just want, even them both, to be happy. However if their relationship is uneasy at the moment, this 'cheating' may be a huge factor of why my Dad is acting the way he is and it needs to be brought up.

I'm going to speak to a councilor next week and take it from there. I suspect the woman is someone he works with. I'm tempted to ring her up, tell her to stay the hell away, then confront my Dad and see if he's at least got the guts to tell my mum about it himself.