[simonede]

hi my mother became extremely controlling due to my father controlling her for so many years and when he died and i suffered with poor emotional health she overtook my life She became very dominant over my family but my children are leaving home now and i can see things a lot more clearly.She was weak and didn't have the strength to support my emotional issues even though she was quick to criticise and enjoy the best of my children. The thing is i don't want to be bitter or angry and i know now what is done is done but to be honest i find being in her company very difficult. I only see her because i pity her really if i'm honest however really all i want to do is to be really be able to speak to her like another human being , like i can to my children . I would love to be able to ask her the reasons why she has done what's she's done and what she thinks of her behaviour now but whenever i've ever expressed myself in the past she has become aggressive or hysterical. I suppose i want some payback,how can she live with herself without counselling or dealing with it at all when all i seem to do is deal with it. But then she became religious which seems to have absolved all her guilt without her ever having to change Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks

[Ronni_W]

Hi simonede, and welcome to LS!
You are asking valid questions, and this is an issue that I've also dealt with.
The tendency is to look at our mom or dad, where we can clearly see what are their issues, what they need change, and what they need to do to "fix" our current feelings of hurt, disappointment, engulfment, rejection, etc., that we are blaming on them.

For the person who is lacking/wanting understanding, comfort, love, etc., looking for others to change or do/say something that will bring relief is not the most effective way to go about it, though.
In therapy, I learned to turn those questions to my Self. What do *I* need to change to be okay with my past experiences, and to forgive my mom and accept her EXACTLY for who she is and how she's done her life? How can I heal my own pain?

I used to expect my mom to be able to help me, to "see the error of her ways" and how her actions had negatively impacted me. But. Unreasonable expectation, is all that is. They don't have the insights, self-awareness or emotional fluency. They did the best that they knew how to do...and they are still doing that. Even if WE think their "best" is piss-poor, it's still their best and that they're operating from fears and unresolved emotional wounds of their own.

Mostly, it is about changing our own perception. As adults, we are 100% responsible for our own beliefs, thoughts, feelings and fears; for healing our own pain and releasing our own blame and anger. *WE* have to fix those things for ourselves, we have to somehow find a way to do that. Through therapy or faith/spiritual-based counseling, or something.

It's difficult. I struggle with it. I have to remind myself that my mom did the best she could, given whatever her own limitation, shortcomings, fears and pain. The same as you, the same as me. Our parents are only human, too.

How your mom is able to forgive herself and move forward is her business. How you are going to be able to forgive your mom, resolve your emotional wounds, and move forward with your own life...that is your business. I found therapy extremely beneficial.

Sending hugs and Healing.

[grae]

I feel your pain sweetie. Sometimes we want to control situations like this. We want apologies, we want questions answered, we want someone to get help, etc. I wouldn't hold your breath. All you can do is keep on living your own life to the best you can and leave it at that. My mom hasn't come around in 16 years. I too do things for her out of pity....pity and that small glimmer of hope that maybe THAT time she will see what has happened and I will have a mom again. Nah, never happens.

I can't talk to my mom either. She recently had a heart attack and as I sat in her hospital room I realized the extent of how bad things were...how bad they had always been. I didn't know what to do....giving her a hug seemed like the most foreign thing on the planet. I came home that night and cried...my 13 year old daughter heard me and came to sit and talk with me.

I only hear from my mom when she needs something. She lives 1 block away. She didn't even come to the hospital when my son died because she was busy "moving". Total over control there.

All you can do is accept it. I used to fill myself with all of the why's and wanderings.....then realized.....that WAS the ultimate control! The best gift I gave myself was forgiving her and letting it go.

[aznprincess]

i think that your mother still has that feeling of loss ad is grieving on the inside and what she needs right now is to be cared for,, try and be sweet to her, things might change. She might be doing this as a form of release. You have to be more understanding, older people lack good judgment and open mindedness. Be the bigger person.

[joliegems]

You say she gets angry or aggressive when you try to talk with her, well its just her defense mechanism to avoid dealing with the situation. So its doubtful you will get anything resolved with her.

I do agree with the other poster who said you have to make things right in your own mind.

Its true, I had an absive mom and I had to come to terms with it that she would never change.

Best luck with your situation. And take of yourself and your mental health first. In situations like this the other person is not working in your best interest so you have to make sure that you do.