I'm upset because of something huge happening today.
I haven't seen or spoken to my dad since I was two.. rather, he hasn't talked to me. It was a bad divorce for my mom, and she went through a lot, but she raised me. During the divorce, my dad lied, followed my mom, threatened to kidnap me..
Today, my dad's sister started talking to me, and I found out my dad had a Facebook, so I added him. She was telling me how much he loved me and how happy he'd be to talk to me again.
I was afraid to tell my mother because I knew it would hurt her.
My mom came home and flipped like I knew she would.. And when she asked if I'd talked to my dad, I said no. I technically had not talked to him. She found out I added him, and she's saying she can't trust me anymore. She's saying I lied. She's all upset, saying my dad's lying to me and feeding me s***, and she says she's not getting any recognition for taking care of me when he is. I know my mom raised me, and I'm old and smart enough to see through any lies.
He is not someone I love. I just want to know him better.
I knew it would hurt my mom's feelings, but if I knew my mom wasn't going to trust me again, I wouldn't have even bothered contacting him.
It just really hurts me. I've been sobbing about this for hours.
sounds like your mom is making it a point of you "choosing sides," rather than seeing it as a natural curiosity on your end. You might be able to forge a relationship with your pop, you might decide that he really is a jerk, but those are things that YOU must decide, not your mom.
explain to her that you love her deeply, that you are not doing this to hurt her, but you're curious about the man who fathered you. Learning more about him isn't going to make you stop loving or respecting her, and that you hope she can understand this. Oh, and that if it weren't for such a good job she's done raising you, you wouldn't feel confident about this at all.
I know, it's buttering her up some, but I think foremost you need to assure her that you're not deserting her, because I imagine that's her worst nightmare. However, you need to make a stand if this is important to you, otherwise, she's going to spend the rest of her life thinking she's got to control every little aspect about you when it comes to something she fears. She needs to grow, too, you know?
hugs,
q
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Frankly, your mother is being selfish. And really, she'll get over it. She's using guilt to make you stop any contact with him, even though all you did was press a button on Facebook. If it is important to you to get know your father, you should. You aren't responsible for your mother.
Your father abandoning his parental responsibilities to you was emotionally abusive to both you and your mother. It sounds like your mother is afraid of your father's abusive behavior and she's also probably angry about the punishless crime he committed against her child and the fact that he got away with it.
Be realistic about the type of parent that he has been to you rather than the fantasy of who and how you wish he had been.
You and your mom may be able to have a more calm discussion after she's had a few days to think about it. She may have initially had some sort of post traumatic stress anxiety reaction when she first heard about the contact with the aunt on facebook. This might also be an opportunity for her to collect any owed back child support or perhaps pursue money for you a car or college so she might be receptive to that angle if you include that in a discussion with her.
If after a few days your mother is still opposed to the idea of you being in contact with him, I'd recommend that you wait until you're out on your own and fully financially responsible for yourself before you begin to pursue a relationship with him. You may feel differently about it later.
Thanks for the advice.
When she got upset, my mom told my grandfather. I had a talk with him, and he told me there was nothing I could do about it. He said it was just 'one of those things'. He told me he would talk to her about it because he knew I was becoming an adult and had questions of my own. He explained to me that when I was born, my dad wasn't ready to take care of a baby, and he realized it later. He stayed out of my life to avoid paying child support since he knew my mom and grandparents could take care of me.
Yesterday, my mom acted better. She asked, "So.. have you talked to your dad yet?", and I told her no. I hadn't because I wanted her to know I was thinking about it. She said, "You can talk to him. I just don't want you to be sucked in."
I explained to her that I wasn't taking sides. I told her I was old enough to think for myself and to know she was right. She mentioned a couple of things about his Facebook profile, so I knew she had looked at it without me knowing.
I did talk to my dad for a little bit. He was telling me how beautiful he and the family thought I was, about his stepdaughters and the one on the way, and he told me I could call him when I was ready. I am still being wary about him.
Dad is writing me on Facebook, and he says not to call or see him until I'm ready.
The only problem is, Mom keeps reading what we're saying. She says she's looking out for me, but I think she's paranoid. She brings up the stuff he says a lot, and sometimes it's in a negative way.
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