Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
So as I mentioned in an earlier post in the long distance section, I met this really great guy online and we've been talking for a couple months and plan on meeting in August (he lives in New York, I'm in CA). As much as I try to dismiss it as just being an online fling, I don't have 'online flings' and there is defintely something special about this. This is the first time I have been interested in having a relationship since my God awful break up a year and a half ago.
I don't keep in touch with my ex very much as things were very nasty. New girl in the picture, lotta pain, etc...
My ex had attempted a couple times to make peace, to be friends, as he was the one who admittedly was very much to blame. He expressed many times that he just wanted to be at peace with me, just be friends, that he just couldn't stand me hating him after we had been together for so long (almost 4 years). Well obviously with the passage of time I've gotten over the ex and that drama, I am VERY into seeing where things lead with this guy and so happy to find that my heart still works. However, my ex and I had planned to have lunch in a couple weeks, not sure why. Maybe a truce or something? I don't know. Completely platonic seriously, I could not be more into what I'm in right now and my ex knows he's lost his chances. I think we just wanted to try and meet up at least once as calm adults. I didn't want to be sneaky so i ran it by new guy...apparently a dumb thing to do because he completely flipped out. I explained that I could go either way that I didn't NEED to see my ex and if it bothered him I just wouldn't go. I thought I was doing the right thing, I mean as much as I dig the new guy, we're not 'TOgether', we haven't met yet regardless of how intense things have become and I didn't HAVE to ask, but I didn't want to be sneaky and I explained WHY I was considering it and made it very clear that if he didn't want me to go I wouldn't. He made it clear that, he didn't want me to go so I agreed I wouldn't. WELL consequently he was going to dinner and said hed call me after, he didn't. We talked at, let's see, about 8 his time, now it's 5 am his time and still not a word. At first I felt bad and was really sorry but now I'm just pissed off. I texted him about 10 his time expressing again that I was sorry------nothing. I called at about 11-----nothing. He's only done this once before and it didn't last all night. So now I'm upset and feeling very rash. I have an inclination to blow him off for a week and see how he likes it. I know thats not super mature, but I feel like he's trying to punish me...
He's very possessive considering he hasn't even met you yet. He also shows he doesn't trust you. Now he's not answering your calls or texts -- I wonder if he's angry, sulking, depressed, drunk, high - whichever it is, it's not to his credit.
I'm glad for you that this has come up -- you've learned a lot about his negative qualities before you've invested very much. Relationships need situations like this to test them. It's good to have a few testing situations crop up early on.
If I was you, I would go for the meal with your ex to make it clear that you won't be bossed around by anyone and to test the new guy a bit further on whether he can handle a woman with a mind of her own.
Long distance relationships can bring out the jealousy in anyone - you're not together so he's powerless to stop you from getting back together with your ex, which is no doubt what he's worried about. I know that all my insecurities came out in my LDR, and all of his too, even though under normal circumstances neither of us are really jealous people.
There are two separate issues here: him not wanting you to see your ex, and him ignoring you. His request for you not to see your ex seems perfectly reasonable to me, and I have to admit that I wouldn't want my bf to go to dinner with his ex either. I couldn't stop him from going, but I'd make my wishes clear and I'd be very upset if he ignored them. I don't think that's a problem - the issue is that he's now ignoring you. It's fine for him to ask you not to go to dinner with your ex, but to ignore you afterwards seems a bit childish.
But hold on a second - are you sure he's ignoring you, and he didn't just forget to call after dinner, and he isn't busy with something? Let's get a sense of perspective here - you talked to him at 8pm and he was going to dinner, and you texted him at 10pm and again at 11pm - but he had gone to dinner, which takes more than 2-3 hours, you couldn't reasonably expect him to be back from dinner in so short a space of time. Admittedly he could have called you after dinner - unless he got back from dinner really late and just went to bed. Don't you think you're jumping to conclusions rather quickly and assuming he's ignoring you?
If he is ignoring you then yes, he's being childish, but LDRs tend to bring out people's insecurities and I'm sure he'd be a lot less worried about this issue if you were together in person. It will not help for you to behave just as childishly as he is doing and start ignoring him.
I think the best strategy is to wait and see if he contacts you, or give him a call tomorrow, and tell him you feel like he was ignoring you because of what you said about meeting your ex. I think the important thing to remember is that while his behaviour may seem a little off, LDRs bring out your jealousy and he isn't necessarily so possessive in person - he may even have a good explanation for his absence which has nothing to do with purposely ignoring you.
I am trying to be mature but I'm upset. I see he texted me at 12 30am my time and I can't help being annoyed at the fact that that means 3 30 his time...what the hell was he doing out til 3 30? I wouldn't be so annoyed except that we were supposed to talk last night about quite a few things, and the fact that things were already a little fragile because of the whole ex thing...I dunno...
I agree, distance does bring out the sensitive and jealous in people that wouldn't typically be so. I've never been in anything like this where I haven't even MET the guy yet, but my last relationship was 4 years of living 3 hours away so I do understand.
I can't say I wasn't snappy when i answered him just now...He says he got home late and just went to sleep. Which I understand, but in the four or five hours that he was out he couldn't even return a text? I guess.....he says he was in a crowded restaurant and there were reasons why he couldn't talk. I dunno, I still think he was mad because like i said, he's done this before, and last time this happened, it took him a day or two admit it but he finally confessed that he had been upset. Maybe I just need to cool off..
He says he got home late and just went to sleep. Which I understand, but in the four or five hours that he was out he couldn't even return a text? I guess.....he says he was in a crowded restaurant and there were reasons why he couldn't talk.
I can't think of any good reason why he couldn't talk or text from a restaurant.
I can't think of any good reason why he couldn't talk or text from a restaurant.
While there's good reason why he couldn't talk or text from a restaurant, such as being polite to whomever he's with, there's no excuse not to text her when he got home. Calling late would also be rude, since she might have been asleep.
I would put money down that he was mulling over the situation and passive-aggressively punishing her. She did the right thing by telling him about it and he had the right to say no. I don't like his juvenile tactics though and would recommend extreme caution for her to get anymore involved with this guy. If anything, this would be a red flag throwdown, in that communication is key in any relationship and twice as important, in an LDR.
His request for you not to see your ex seems perfectly reasonable to me...
I don't think it's a reasonable request. IMO, it's good that OP and her ex are contemplating meeting as civil adults after an acrimonious breakup. Maybe they will become good friends eventually, I would hope so. OP says she is over her ex and it will be a platonic meeting, what is there to object to? If the new guy doesn't trust her, he should not be pursuing her. He is not her bf yet, they haven't even met. I think it is an outrageous request when they are not yet a couple. Even if he were her bf, I think he should understand the need for her to have at least one meeting with her ex. I don't understand this kind of insecurity at all. My gf meets an ex for coffee every few weeks, I don't mind at all. We are in an LDR -- when I am over there, she and I both meet with her ex quite often.
You say his insecurity might be less if they were together in person. I would think only because he could keep an eye on her movements. Trust means having faith in someone to do what's right when you are not there to monitor them and fidelity means not cheating even when you are sure you can get away with it.
I don't think it's a reasonable request. IMO, it's good that OP and her ex are contemplating meeting as civil adults after an acrimonious breakup. Maybe they will become good friends eventually, I would hope so.
Er, why? Why do they need to become good friends? What purpose would it serve? They broke up for a reason, why do they have to prove they can be civil adults? It's not like they have to see each other all the time. If that were the case, it'd be different. However, it isn't. He's an ex, there's really no need for him to be in her life. She also said he admitted he was to blame for them breaking up. This probably means he treated her like crap, which actually makes everything worse.
To this guy she likes..what he's seeing is this girl attempting to become friends with an ex who treated her badly, and one can't but wonder why bother, unless she still has some feelings? I'm not saying she does, I'm just saying what it might look like.
Quote:
OP says she is over her ex and it will be a platonic meeting, what is there to object to? If the new guy doesn't trust her, he should not be pursuing her.
First of all, they haven't even met yet. He's right not to completely trust her. Just because someone says something is platonic doesn't mean it is. Don't get me started on the subject of girls and their ex's, they don't want their bf's hanging around their own ex's, but they think it's some sort of law they get to. Online relationships are tricky..and you have to be careful and you have to guard your heart more than you usually would. I'd be very wary of a girl who all of a sudden is now wanting to sort of make peace with her ex just about a month shy of when we were supposed to first meet.
Quote:
He is not her bf yet, they haven't even met. I think it is an outrageous request when they are not yet a couple.
What is so outrageous about wanting to protect one's self? You said it yourself, they haven't even met yet. I would imagine he doesn't wanna begin dealing with ex drama before they have even seen each other.
Quote:
Even if he were her bf, I think he should understand the need for her to have at least one meeting with her ex.
Again, why? Why does anyone need to have meetings with an ex? They are an EX for a reason. If you're looking for closure or whatever with an ex, then you shouldn't even be thinking about having a relationship with someone else. You get the closure before you move on.
Quote:
I don't understand this kind of insecurity at all. My gf meets an ex for coffee every few weeks, I don't mind at all. We are in an LDR -- when I am over there, she and I both meet with her ex quite often.
It's all about personal preference. As I've said, to me an ex is an ex for a reason. My ex's are out of my life, and I expect them to be out of my gf's lives as well. If this is too much trouble for them, then the girl just isn't worth it.
Quote:
You say his insecurity might be less if they were together in person. I would think only because he could keep an eye on her movements.
Which might be right, but then again might be wrong.
Quote:
Trust means having faith in someone to do what's right when you are not there to monitor them and fidelity means not cheating even when you are sure you can get away with it.
They aren't together, the trust isn't fully built yet. They haven't even met, so it's sort of impossible to fully trust anyone at this point.
Trust is an important part of a relationship, sure, but so is respect, and to me..it's disrespectful to be out visiting with an ex if you're in a relationship. Even if you're not in a relationship..there's a certain etiquette to be followed. If me and a girl are good friends and we're slowly becoming more than friends to the point where she's even told me she has feelings for me, yet we aren't officially together yet? I'd still expect her to you know..not be out there hooking up with random guys and such.
Granted, we wouldn't be actually together, but if a chick can claim to have feelings for you and then be out there hooking up with other guys simply because you aren't an official couple, well..that's not the type of girl I want.
So, my advice to the original poster:
Just stay away from the ex. You said you don't need to see him, so don't. What have you got to lose? You and him aren't together for a reason. Why pass up a chance with a nice guy just to have lunch with an ex? Understand that because you guys have not met yet..the trust cannot be fully there, and there's nothing worse than not knowing if someone you like is out there with someone else.
EDIT: Well, now I have to edit my post because I see the OP is now saying she is going to a guy's house for the 4th..and she used to have a huge crush on this guy..and it sounds like you're not gonna say a word to this guy you claim to like. Well, this won't end well, as you basically sound like you're saying "If I hook up, I hook up, we haven't met yet so it's no big deal"
In which, that's fine and dandy, but then I guarantee you..there will be no hope for this online thing working out.
Last edited by Spectre; 4th July 2009 at 3:05 PM..
Tuscansun - I only read your OP, not anyone's responses (really wanted to reply to this b/c I'm in a similar situation-ish, but am running out the door in 20 minutes and don't have time to read and think about everything and post a thoughtful response).
I'm in a similar situation with an LDR, except we're not officially committed (we have met in person though, we didn't meet online, and we see each other at least once a month if not more over the last year+).
I got upset a few months ago because this guy went to dinner with his ex. Unlike you, he didn't tell me about it beforehand, I only found out because they went to dinner with another couple I've become friends with, and the other girl mentioned it to me (as in, "Oh and last night my bf and I had dinner with Y and Z). I told him that I was upset about it (we had a rational and calm discussion, no ignoring and sulking and anger). He agreed that he would mention it to me if he hung out with his ex again.
But then he never did. I would occasionally (not often) hear from other friends that they were together, or see pictures on fb.
So I told him that it really hurt my feelings that I was seeing these things online, but not hearing about it from him (like he couldn't tell me about it when we chatted about our days or plans??).
His response was (basically, and in a gentle way) that he loved me, really liked me, was sad that he had hurt me, was over his ex (she's not over him, at least she wasn't when they first started hanging out again, maybe she is now, I don't know), and would never let his "friendship" with her interfere with future romantic relationships. HOWEVER. We only saw each other once a month, I'm not his gf, and he doesn't answer to me.
And that was the end of it. I never brought her up again. I stopped "answering" to him (because he certainly asked me questions about what I was up to), and for awhile even started dating other people, to give myself some distance - his response made it clear to me that I was more invested in the relationship, and saw it as being more than it actually was.
Anyways, have to run, I hope this helps, and if I have time later on and I'll come back to this.
I am VERY into seeing where things lead with this guy and so happy to find that my heart still works. However, my ex and I had planned to have lunch in a couple weeks, not sure why.
If you are into this other guy, then your X needs to stay where he belongs...in your past and at a distance. Nothing saying you can't be civil to him if you ever ran across him. But no need for you to act like you are the best of friends.
Quote:
Maybe a truce or something? I don't know.
He can make a truce with you over the phone or in an email. He doesn't need to see you in person to do that.
Quote:
I didn't want to be sneaky so i ran it by new guy...apparently a dumb thing to do because he completely flipped out. I explained that I could go either way that I didn't NEED to see my ex and if it bothered him I just wouldn't go. I thought I was doing the right thing
you did do the right thing. you didn't want any secrets kept from new guy. you want to make sure this relationship starts off on the right foot.
Quote:
I mean as much as I dig the new guy, we're not 'TOgether',
if that were really true, I can't see him flipping out like that. obviously, for some reason, your new guy thinks you two are "together"
Quote:
He made it clear that, he didn't want me to go so I agreed I wouldn't.
again, doesn't sound like a request by someone, and a response by you, if you two truly aren't "together". I think you 2 are more "together" than you think or want to admit, maybe?
Quote:
WELL consequently he was going to dinner and said hed call me after, he didn't. We talked at, let's see, about 8 his time, now it's 5 am his time and still not a word. At first I felt bad and was really sorry but now I'm just pissed off. I texted him about 10 his time expressing again that I was sorry------nothing. I called at about 11-----nothing. He's only done this once before and it didn't last all night. So now I'm upset and feeling very rash. I have an inclination to blow him off for a week and see how he likes it. I know thats not super mature, but I feel like he's trying to punish me...
What do I do?
maybe you 2 aren't the ones for each other. because:
1) you were entertaining the idea of getting together with your X, in which no reason is a good reason.
AND
2) the new guy seems a bit controlling and unreasonable IF IN FACT you 2 are not "together". If you 2 are "together" and there is some understanding that you are a couple...THEN I could see him getting upset.
Dexter Morgan: Sounds like you read only the early posts and skipped the most recent. She decided not to see her ex, she's invested far more in this internet relationship than he has, he drops out of communication for days on end for reasons that he's not fully explained, he's currently not answering phone calls and emails, and it's probable the romance is off.
Dexter Morgan: Sounds like you read only the early posts and skipped the most recent.
didn't skip the most recent, just hadn't got there yet. See my last post
Quote:
She decided not to see her ex, she's invested far more in this internet relationship than he has, he drops out of communication for days on end for reasons that he's not fully explained, he's currently not answering phone calls and emails, and it's probable the romance is off.
well, it should have been an indicator to him that she was willing to respect his concerns and she told him that she wouldn't see her X in person.
that should have been enough, but it seems as if he was put off that she simply even entertained the idea of meeting her X.
could be that maybe he didn't think he'd ever find out if she really did or not.
but she did the right thing, and the interenet guy still seemed to get his panties in a bunch. I can see him being upset by it, but when she told him she wouldn't see him, it should have been the end of it right there. She did the right thing and was honest with him. She could have not told him and he'd have never found out.
I think some people get far too worked up over the idea of their partner seeing an ex. My gf's best friend is an ex of hers. It causes me no anxiety or jealousy at all because I trust her and I feel secure in the strength of our relationship.
I think some people get far too worked up over the idea of their partner seeing an ex. My gf's best friend is an ex of hers. It causes me no anxiety or jealousy at all because I trust her and I feel secure in the strength of our relationship.
and thats when your good nature and trust can be taken advantage of.
Most people on here trust their SO and don't have a jealous bone in their body. I didn't and trusted my wife. boy was I wrong. Not saying your gf is gonna go out on you, just don't think you are immune simply because you are secure in the strength of the relationship.....most people that have been betrayed were secure in their relationship.
having said that, it doesn't bother me that a SO of mine has male friends. but if it is the kind of male friend they spend a considerable amount of time with alone...then it starts to push my comfort level. I sure don't know many women that would put up with, for example, me going over to another woman's pad...watching a movie and having some drinks with her alone..much less an X that I had a history of being intimate with.
X's are X's for a reason....with respect to any current SO's, it should really stay that way IF one cares about the person they are currently seeing.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Hybrid Mode
