Would like to get some experience from people here who've dated someone or someone who grew up like this (women)-as the title reads.
I am not implying anything negative with this thread but would like to see if life experience actually does correlate with psychological and sociological studies regarding this- growing up fatherless presents more issues (caution though because it doesn't apply to all but most).
Would like to particularly hear from those who grew up not being able to meet their father's due to early death, divorce, etc.
I'm asking because I am in the process of getting to know a lovely lady (maybe not) who grew up this way. Thanks.
My parents were separated before I was born and divorced when I was 2. Had pretty much zero contact from before my memories until about age 11/12. Had limited visits after that - maybe once every other week. The guy is a total jerk - I totally understand why my mom divorced him. At about 16/17 I cut him off completely because I didn't need his poison in my life anymore.
Well.......My dad left when i was 18 mths old. My mom remarried when I was 5 to a nice man but a very undemonstrative, unemotional man.
I saw my "real" dad from time to time but I was never a priority or good enough in his eyes......or so I felt. I just recently talked to my father again after 10 years of no communication.
In my relationships I had a tendency to be needy, attach right away, meet unemotionally available men and abusive men. I was always searching for the validation I never got from my father. I still struggle with this in a lesser capacity but it's taken counseling and self-help for me to get there.
I think someone growing up without a father's love and influence will process this in a variety ways. Some similar to mine and some totally different. I firmly believe in most cases there will be some affect BUT if a child's primary caregiver (in this case my mom) balances this loss with something healthy the effects may be far less detrimental. I love my mom and she did the best she could but even she admits that my step-dad was not the healthiest choice for her children at that time.
I love my step-dad and have gotten closer to him and know he loves me. But as a child we interpret love by words and actions. I did not understand that every time my step-dad fixed my toys, cars and now my broken sink, etc........that he was showing he cared. Now I do understand this.
An adult (a woman) in this case will often unknowingly project her feelings of inadequacy onto the relationships she maintains throughout life whether it's friendships, romantic or mentors.
And to reaffirm.........not all women will react the same. I don't want to imply you should freak out if a woman was raised without a father. This may not be a huge issue if her emotional void was filled with healthy influences or she pursued self-help at some time in her life to improve her emotional health.
My parents split when I was 4, got back together for a while, then my dad left my mom for my now step mom, who wanted nothing to do with me. She abused me at the age of 9, my dad didn't believe me. As I got older, I spent less and less time with my dad. I was never a priority in his life after he got his new family. Eventually I just gave up on wanting and needing his love and approval.
Although, I also got into physical and abusive relationships. I dated guys that weren't healthy for me. I didn't know how to handle healthy relationships. I was also needy and dependent. I searched and searched for approval and love.
Sometimes this still has an affect on me, but no where near the way it used to.
The psychological studies of women who come from households without fathers - anyone got any links? Or can anyone provide a basic list of what this usually results in? I'm curious, because yes, I'm another one. My dad dumped my mother on the day I was born and I was brought up as an only child by a single mother (I think along with having no dad, having no siblings and no dad has other effects as well...what they are, I'm not sure, but I'd be very curious to read up on it, but my lack of Googling skills has only brought up articles telling how single mothers should cope, not about being the daughter of a single mother).
Anyway, for me, I have tended to bond too quickly too soon to men, any man who showed me any bit of interest I was like a clinging vine. (I've worked on that though now, but it's taken a long time).
I am very bad at flirting - apparently little girls learn how to deal with men and how to flirt from their dads. I end up treating everyone in a friendly manner and thus never get seen as a sexual person.
I (and I hate to say this about myself, but I think it's true) ultimately mistrust men, and think that they will inevitably leave me, thus I both cling on to them too tightly, but at the same time assume that they're not going to be around for long.
I tend to be attracted to more manly men, in physique - they don't necessarily have to be buffed up, but taller, broader, more manly. I feel the need to be looked after by someone else, but due to the mistrust mentioned above, I'm afraid to allow anyone to look after me, as that leaves me vulnerable and then the guy will abandon me anyway.
Jeeesh...on reading what I've just written, it's no wonder I'm still single....
Thanks soulsearch, although upon reading (particularly the first link) I would say (luckily for me) that a lot of that didn't apply, I didn't go crazy with drink or drugs, did well academically, didn't have severe emotional problems - this could be due to having a very close-knit family around me throughout my childhood, cousins, aunts and uncles.
I do think for me the main affect of no father-figure has been how I relate to men and relationships, others have maybe experienced more dramatic side-effects.
My grandfather (my dad's father) died when my dad was just a few years old so I'm sure that affected him in his adult life since he did not have a father.
My parents divorced when I was 12 and my dad moved out but we still spent time together, but it was only once or twice a week. I did not have a close relationship with him growing up and he did not have a close relationship with my brother and sister either. He was very strict and had no patience what so ever.
But he is completely different today then he was back then. It's like he went through a transformation. I absolutely adore him now and we are very close. I try to look for the traits my father has today, in a partner. Now he is laid back, attentive and supportive of his children but still protective. He's mended his relationship with us which I am very thankful for and he is such an important part of my life now.
I do believe the relationship a daughter has with her father is very important, as with any relationship between a child/parent.
My father left my mother right after I was born. Growing up, I never knew why. It wasn't until I was 21-22 that I was given a complete explanation for why he wasn't around.
Before finding my current very stable, happy, healthy relationship, I didn't know how to function in a relationship. It took me a ton of therapy to learn what a real relationship was.
Before my BF, I had a tendency to be needy and clingy, and constantly (and I mean constantly) fear abandonment, loss, and loneliness. I think I knew in my gut I was "right" to fear being left again, because I also found myself only attracted to available men - either emotionally, geographically, or technically (with someone else). I also emotionally attached right away, most often through sex. I longed to be loved by a man, so I tried to make men love me the only way I knew how: through sexual intimacy.
Because I didn't understand why my father wasn't around, I also found myself trying to "make" people like me, in one way or another.
I still have moments of fear and doubt, but I think I've finally got a grip on it.
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It depends on how close her relationship was with her mother, and what KIND of relationship she had with her mother.
It is very beneficial for a child to be raised with both parents, IF the parents are in a healthy relationship.
From what I learned in school, many women search for older men when they have had absolutely NO father figure in their life.. some might have an aversion to male authority and search for men who wear the dress rather than the pants. Some might turn out lesbian.
This is better off answered on a case-by-case basis.
For example, was she close with her mom? Was her mother abusive? Did her mother sleep around? Did her mother have an aversion to men? Did she have a step father? Were there any other male figures in her life?
The way a person turns out is entirely dependent on their own, individual experience growing up. Some may turn out very strong-willed, others may turn out with a fear of men.
Last edited by missdependant; 26th May 2009 at 8:54 PM..
the studies conducted, yes even the ones posted here are more inclined to show that women who grew up fatherless tend to be less able in intimate relationships meaning they get into unhealthy relationships.
I would agree with you missdependent, only on the part where you say how these women will relate to men.
So, I guess its true to an extent, seeing the people here have relatively the same relationship experience when growing up fatherless.
I'm a little freaked now because the said woman I'm interested in, has been around-plenty of relationships but not one ever satisfying her.She also mentioned on how she gets the a**holes most times. Her father died early.
the studies conducted, yes even the ones posted here are more inclined to show that women who grew up fatherless tend to be less able in intimate relationships meaning they get into unhealthy relationships.
I would agree with you missdependent, only on the part where you say how these women will relate to men.
So, I guess its true to an extent, seeing the people here have relatively the same relationship experience when growing up fatherless.
I'm a little freaked now because the said woman I'm interested in, has been around-plenty of relationships but not one ever satisfying her.She also mentioned on how she gets the a**holes most times. Her father died early.
Ok, basically at the end of the day, it's good that you've put some thought into this before you leap into the deep end. However, I actually would hate to have someone think 'Oh I'm wary of getting involved with her because she was brought up with no father' even though I'm aware that maybe I'm not perfect in terms of relationships, but then who is? I know plenty of people who had mum and dad there and have made just as bad, or worse choices than me when it came to a partner
It was not my fault, nor the fault of other posters that our dad's chose to bugger off for whatever reason, and it does worry me slightly that maybe you and others see us women with no dads as somehow scary and to be totally avoided. Yes there for sure are issues there, and I for one try to be up-front about them and to change what I think is not normal or is unhealthy for me and those close to me, but then again, I dated a guy who had 2 parents, still married for all their life and he was a total emotional mess.
I'm not going to avoid other men who came from a 2 parent family just because of him. Remain open is all I'm saying. Your upbringing may give some indication to your attitudes, but nevertheless it is not an absolute indicator of how another person will treat you in a relationship. Basically the situation is that she had no dad. However, that is not the issue here.
In your situation forget that and simply look at her as an individual and not a statistic, look at what she says and does to see if that is the kind of person you want in your life. You say:
I'm a little freaked now because the said woman I'm interested in, has been around-plenty of relationships but not one ever satisfying her.
She also mentioned on how she gets the a**holes most times. Her father died early.
These are simply warning bells in any case, whether she has a dad or not. I would say that she's expecting all men to be a**holes, so to her they are and always will be = self-fulfilling prophesy, no matter how nice you are to her, you may turn into an a**hole too according to her.
I too could say that none of my former relationships were satisfying, but then if one of them was, I wouldn't still be single, that's basically all our experiences, as single people...however, that is not something I would say to a man I wanted a relationship with, I guess though this depends on 'how' it was said.
On a positive note she could be saying all these things because she thinks you are so not like the other men she's been with and that she's trying to indicate to you in a roundabout way what idiots they were, implying that you are not like that at all, you wouldn't be an a**hole, and she's sure you would satisfy her. I'm reckoning that she's just babbled on totally unware of the effects of what she's said has had on you.
But, it seems that you are uneasy about something with this woman otherwise you wouldn't have posted here, analysing her family situation may explain her actions or words, but it won't actually help you decide what to do. All you have to decide to do now is whether you want to be with someone like her or not.
My father died when I was nine years old. I have read studies that show that children who grow up in a divorced family do not do as well as that of two- parent families, however in cases where the father died, the kids did almost as well as the healthier kids from two-parent families!
My father left my mother right after I was born. Growing up, I never knew why. It wasn't until I was 21-22 that I was given a complete explanation for why he wasn't around.
Before finding my current very stable, happy, healthy relationship, I didn't know how to function in a relationship. It took me a ton of therapy to learn what a real relationship was.
Before my BF, I had a tendency to be needy and clingy, and constantly (and I mean constantly) fear abandonment, loss, and loneliness. I think I knew in my gut I was "right" to fear being left again, because I also found myself only attracted to available men - either emotionally, geographically, or technically (with someone else). I also emotionally attached right away, most often through sex. I longed to be loved by a man, so I tried to make men love me the only way I knew how: through sexual intimacy.
Because I didn't understand why my father wasn't around, I also found myself trying to "make" people like me, in one way or another.
I still have moments of fear and doubt, but I think I've finally got a grip on it.
I could have written this, and I had a great father. For me, it was an emotionally absent, critical mother who influenced me to look for acceptance from men. The point of the story is that anyone can have issues. It is how you deal with those issues that makes all the difference.
One thing I would look for is how much responsibility she takes for past behavior. Is she someone who is always blaming others for any emotional issues or does she look within as well? Obviously you would need to get to know her better first. If you really like her, then keep an open mind.
I think I knew in my gut I was "right" to fear being left again, because I also found myself only attracted to available men - either emotionally, geographically, or technically (with someone else). I also emotionally attached right away, most often through sex.
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