Why are women really afraid to bring up "the talk"?
This is somewhat of a random question, the result of a conversation with my hairdresser this morning.
I have had the same conversation with FOUR of my single girlfriends in the past week regarding their new "relationships" with the guys they're dating. Each one of them is afraid to ask about where the relationship is going, where they stand, etc.
Jessica* (my hairdresser) has has been on 6 proper dates with her guy in 2.5 weeks. Mary has been seeing her guy 2-3 a week (a mix between proper dates and "hanging out") for 2 months. Trisha has been seeing her guy ("hanging out at his house") about once a week for almost 3 months. And my roommate Katie has been seeing her dude (generally late at night as soon as he calls) about once a week, maybe once every 1.5-2 weeks, for about 2 months as well.
Each of these "relationships" has its own special quirk or issue that would give me a moment of pause about whether I was being led down Relationship Lane or Booty Call Alley. (Note that each of them are sleeping with the guy they're dating, and have never even so much as hinted about questioning what was going on. Given the intimate aspect of each of these relationships, I'd be going nuts if I were them!)
Each refuse to broach "the talk" with their guy. Why? "Because you know how guys are, they freak out easily. I don't want to pressure him and push him away."
But in the meantime, they're wigging out. Limiting themselves. Wondering where they are, who they're with, if the interest is still there. Talking about them incessantly. Dropping everything as soon as they call to "hang out" at 10:00 p.m. It's killing them.
So what I want to know is - are they right? Do guys freak out over "the talk," whereas girls do not? Aren't there just as many women who freak out over "relationship" talks as men? Is this really gender specific?
Does broaching "the talk" with a guy you've been dating and are intimate with really freak them out??? Or are these gals freaking out because in their guts do they really KNOW that their guy doesn't want a relationship, and they're afraid to hear the bitter truth?? I know with my Ex I was worried to bring that topic up, and in retrospect I think I was fearful because I knew regardless of what he told me (what I wanted to hear), I knew what the real truth was.
But isn't it better to know sooner, rather than later, whether or not the person you're dating sees you as relationship material, or just Ms. Right Now?
Thoughts?
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
__________________
Well done is always better than well said.
There's always gonna be another mountain,
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Timing is everything. If a guy starts to talk about settling down and having kids within the first few months, it freaks me out. I need to get to know him a little better, before we enter into this type of discussion.
Technically, anyone is "Mr. Right Now", until I get a good feeling of who he is.
On the flipside, I don't want to enter into a relationship with anyone, unless they're a long-term kind of person. I don't want to waste time with anyone who isn't, unless it's fully understood that we're dating lightly with no exclusivity, which means, no sex, which means, no relationship.
Timing is everything. If a guy starts to talk about settling down and having kids within the first few months, it freaks me out. I need to get to know him a little better, before we enter into this type of discussion.
Wow, interesting. H and I started talking about what we wanted fairly early on. We both knew that we wanted to be married and have a child some day soon. It was only weeks later that we acknowledged that we wanted all of that with each other.
Technically, anyone is "Mr. Right Now", until I get a good feeling of who he is.
On the flipside, I don't want to enter into a relationship with anyone, unless they're a long-term kind of person. I don't want to waste time with anyone who isn't, unless it's fully understood that we're dating lightly with no exclusivity, which means, no sex, which means, no relationship.
It's such a conflict, in so many ways.
I hear you on the rest of it.
As for any "talk"..hahah. I've never brought that up..not my style. I leave it to the guy to bring it up...or not. Usually, it's brought up and I then decided if I was interested or not. But no. I never, never brought up any talk of exclusivity myself...ever.
As for any "talk"..hahah. I've never brought that up..not my style. I leave it to the guy to bring it up...or not. Usually, it's brought up and I then decided if I was interested or not. But no. I never, never brought up any talk of exclusivity myself...ever.
Hold on there Missy!
I'm talking about long-range talks v. exclusivity talks. I fully believe in the exclusivity discussion, prior to entering into a physical relationship. Once that's in place, it might lead to sex or it might not. If there's no exclusivity discussion, it most definitely doesn't lead to sex.
I spent 5 nights a week with my Ex, he did nice things for me, showed me that he was invested. Guess what, he wasn't. There's still some boundaries that need to be established at some point. You can't just assume.
I'm talking about long-range talks v. exclusivity talks. I fully believe in the exclusivity discussion, prior to entering into a physical relationship. Once that's in place, it might lead to sex or it might not. If there's no exclusivity discussion, it most definitely doesn't lead to sex.
I don't know what to say about this. We didn't have that "exclusivity" talk. I've never had that with anyone really that I was involved with for the long-term. It was always just understood.
Maybe things are different now and I'm showing my age? Or maybe I just seemed to "hook up" with old-fashioned men. I mean if I had more than 3 or 4 dates with a man it was automatically assumed that we were "exclusive" even if we hadn't had sex. Is that passe' these days?
Covania, there are two sides to the coin. There's talk and there's action. If the actions don't synch with the talk, it's a good indicator that things are not what they seem.
Covania, there are two sides to the coin. There's talk and there's action. If the actions don't synch with the talk, it's a good indicator that things are not what they seem.
Talking can be good, but I find when it comes to showing emotion and when it comes to showing how you truly feel then actions are better. Sure, no relationship can survive without conversation. But I hate 'the sit down and lets discuss where we are heading' conversation. Why not see what tomorrow brings? Why do people need plans and events set in stone? What's wrong with spontaneity and impluse?
I'd rather write a poem to a girl stating how I feel than just telling her through word of mouth, sounds weird? Well, sure it is, but I've tried the talk before and it doesn't work. Women just brush it off because they've heard it all before and it sounds cliched. recycled, repackaged and frankly repetitive and boring.
You have to look at this in multiple ways. Yes, a circular 4 hour conversation is as meaningless, as an udder is on a bull.
A 1/2 hour meaningful conversation about where one stands, means A LOT!
It's got nothing to do with insecurities and everything to do with communication. Whether you guys like it or not, you have to learn to emotionally open up and express yourself. We, as women, can't read your minds and for the life of me, I don't even want to friggen' try!
You have to look at this in multiple ways. Yes, a circular 4 hour conversation is as meaningless, as an udder is on a bull.
A 1/2 hour meaningful conversation about where one stands, means A LOT!
It's got nothing to do with insecurities and everything to do with communication. Whether you guys like it or not, you have to learn to emotionally open up and express yourself. We, as women, can't read your minds and for the life of me, I don't even want to friggen' try!
Agreed but "communication" takes many forms. And there's always a right time and a wrong time for such things. Timing is everything in life, isn't it?
And sometimes, things unspoken speak louder than any words.
It's twofold, as I expressed to the other member. It's a combination of words and actions, with both jiving. If they don't jive, you've got issues.
Words aren't always necessary..nor are actions. It's a complicated combination of both. You just have to really, I mean REALLY know the person well. Look at their past history and how they treat others. It's complex. But a smart woman can figure it out.
Words aren't always necessary..nor are actions. It's a complicated combination of both. You just have to really, I mean REALLY know the person well. Look at their past history and how they treat others. It's complex. But a smart woman can figure it out.
Yes, yes she can figure it out based on historical actions. A smart woman doesn't take bad risks.
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June 8, 2010 
Hybrid Mode
