Hello all, i wonder if the resident experts can help. I am sad and tired of arguing! I want to talk to my wife but dread the inevitable argument that will start after about 5 minutes of pleasant conversation. As a result i feel i am starting to lose someone who i once cherished and admired.
I work in the oil industry which involves working away from home for 5 weeks out of every 10. The industry is suited for younger men up to 45 years old I would say. I like to save money so one day when I am older than 45 years I wont have to go and work in this environment (I am 38). That’s my plan! Every month I give my wife an allowance for household bills and her expenses but we have got to the stage where she always wants more. She is a housewife and we have a baby boy and a 20 year old daughter.
About two years ago I was called away at short notice and I didn’t have time to get her a cheque or bank transfer sorted out so I gave her my bank card for 5 weeks while I was away. The money leaked out like a sieve over successive days and I couldn’t fathom how she was spending so much. Although when I questioned the bank statement she had many reasons for the large expenditure such as bills, medicine for the baby and such.
We have had two agendas recently. I have been getting our home refurbished, painted and decorated and have amassed quite a bill to be paid over several months. Meanwhile my wife started to build a small (1 bedroom) house for her mum and dad. This was initially budgeted for but over 3 months the house is now 3 times the original budget. As a result I am struggling to pay the bills for our house (which I consider the main priority). I also had plans for the money she has spent (ie. new washing machine and play room for our growing son).
So basically, now, nearly every time we start talking we end up arguing about money. She spends over and beyond her means and I like to budget and save so i can hopefully one day retire a few years earlier as a result.
The other thing causing resentment is that I like the house we live in, but the wife wants to move closer to her parents, which I am not prepared to do. So basically she criticizes anything I do or spend on our present house and I resent her spending on a house 2 hours flight away that we will visit maybe twice a year.
I love my wife. I love my son even more and I can’t imagine life without him. So I need to repair this situation. I want to be able to go home and relax after 5 weeks away at work and have my wife enjoy being with me and us getting along again.
All advice and suggestions appreciated. Hoping to become a happy family again.
I don't have any good advice because I am very controlling about money and would be very upset in your shoes. I read your previous thread concerning your mum and your post deserves attention because you have such a good attitude concerning advice received on this forum. For these reasons, I am replying to bump your thread back to the top of the new posts in the hopes that those who can give you something valuable, versus my empathy, will see it. It was back on page 3, so now it's back on page one.
Good luck to you, money issues are difficult for me in marriage.
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Yes, thanks for the kind words. This forum was extremely helpful to me before. Was hoping for similar enlightenment. Maybe giving her more money will help?
Money is a big issue in my marriage. I'm a SAHM and I also get an allowance for bills and such each month. I can only tell you MY perspective, but in reading your post, what caught my attention was all the "I" references: "I like to budget...", "I like to save money..", "I've been getting our home refurbished...", "I also had plans for the money she spent...".
As the spouse of a somewhat money-controlling H, this type of attitude just rips away at my self-esteem. The final decision on any major, and most minor, expeditures are my husbands, and I have to tell you that just sucks. I don't feel like a partner in the marriage or family. It builds resentment. If you are as controlling as it came across to me in your post, I'm not at all surprised she went to town on the bank card. I've done this myself. By controlling the money and how it's allocated you're basically denying her the ability have any control of her life. Men aren't the only ones that like to control things! For me, I felt like a child when my H would look over the grocery bills because he thought I spent too much. WTF?? I might not be working outside the house to earn cash, but I work my arse off taking care of the kids and the house and worrying about all the day-to-day things. Then you're going to tell me I can't make decisions about OUR money?
He made a budget once. He showed it to me and explained how much can be spent on what. Guess what happened to that? I'm not saying I went out and overspent, but I didn't put any real effort into keeping it, and eventually, it went away. Childish I know, but to tell me how to spend money, well it was just plain insulting.
My only suggestion is to sit with your wife, as a team, and ASK for her input on a budget, for the family--not just her. When my H finally let go of some of that control to me, I felt like I was contributing to the family and TOGETHER we were making decisions about OUR lives. Now we have a budget that I'm responsible for because I helped establish it. It's not just HIS money, but OURS. I'm much more motivated to keep within its boundaries, and we argue less about money now that he's not checking on every expenditure I make.
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Thanks for the excellent reply. I think what you just wrote is probably exactly what my wife would have written.
Any money spent in our household definately originates from me and i guess this is why i am so protective of it. Having said that i am by no means selfish, ever. I just like to see value for what gets spent and this is where i argue with my wife.
I can see we are going to have to sit down and have a chat about this. I just keep thinking, what if i open a shared bank account and see how we go. But then i keep worrying about what would happen if everything got spent within a few weeks.
What financial situation with your husband would make you happiest?
If you say, complete control over all funds so i can spend spend spend, at least it will help me with my planning.....
We're still working on it, but this is what is currently working for us. We have a joint checking account, out of which all "household" expenses are paid -- groceries, utilities, etc. I have my own checking account which is for clothing/shoes for me and kids, plus for any get-away/fun activities. That's a real motivation for me to save! H has his own checking account for his personal expenses (clothes, etc).
We went back four months and averaged all household expenses, and these became our budget limits. If for some reason one of the items goes over budget, we have to inform the other. I'm not talking about a few $$'s, but anything over 15%. If one wants a particular item over $100, we discuss it and jointly decide if it's a need/want and if we agree to buy it, money comes out of the joint household account. If we don't both agree to the purchase, it comes out of the personal account.
Ordinarily I would say get the heck out. You probably are going to say somewhere that she's a stay at home mom. Which is a big mistake. But never mind that.
Since you want to stay you should ask her to clear her schedule so you guys can have a meeting. Ask her to bring in writing what her ideas are for 1 year from now 5 years from now 20 years from now, etc. You tell her you will do the same. And then you both should be able to discuss what your priorities should be as a family.
If you are making enough money to be building a house for someone else before your own is done, then I would say you have enough money to pay alimony (because you can bet she'll ask for it). Just remember, you are in a prime position to divorce: you have only 1 young child and you seem to be able to afford the child support guidelines. You also would have to pay some alimony, but its tax deductible, so you'll come out on top anyway. Separate your finances so you'll have enough to be able to afford to get out. She obviously has no respect or knowledge of what it takes to earn that money. Believe me, if you don't get out now, you will be FORCED to work bask 48 anyway.
Thanks for the response. I have two weeks left offshore before i get to go home and have a meeting with the wife. I like the 5 year plan idea etc.
I also concur that my wife and I are 'finacially incompatible'.
I will consider eveything until then, but as usual, when you have been away for a month, you just want to go home and be happy and relax. See how things go.
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For me, I felt like a child when my H would look over the grocery bills because he thought I spent too much. WTF?? I might not be working outside the house to earn cash, but I work my arse off taking care of the kids and the house and worrying about all the day-to-day things. Then you're going to tell me I can't make decisions about OUR money? 
Hybrid Mode
