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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 30th April 2006, 4:32 AM   #1
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I'm completely new to this forum, but I've reached a point where no one I know can even remotely relate to me and I feel I need advice from people that can understand this situation.

I am 22 years old, a fairly confident person, have a great job, am a CPA, and am pretty happy person overall. I started working at my current job about a 2 yrs ago and immediately loved it. My married boss was a fantastic boss and we clicked. We both had a passion for the work and a number of other things in common. About 5 months ago, we started seeing each other. I realize now that I've been in love with him for a while, but just didn't know it. I know the standard response is "wow, how can you be such a horrible person?" But, it just sort of happened. Him and his wife of the past 5 yrs got married after 3 months of dating because she got pregnant. He doesn't love her and they fight like crazy.

He's planning to leave her in June, but there are quite a number of issues with this relationship and I ask you all with the experience, is it worth it? He is my, almost CEO of our company, boss. My father has met him because my father's company is partnering with my company on a business proposal. We both have a very good future at our current company, but if we want this to work one of us has to leave and considering he makes about 4-5 times what I do, I think its going to be me that leaves. He's also 17 yrs older than me (but we don't feel a difference in the age). We also have completely different cultural and racial backgrounds. He also has children that I'm going to be spending time with tomorrow afternoon. Oh and this is his second wife and if things with us work out, I'd be the third, but in his defense, his first wife left him and he was very in love with her. Sadly, he tells me how much I remind him of her (not physically, but personality). I'm not sure if that is a problem all in itself. I just listed I think every issue I can identify with my situation, but of course as it stands, I'm completely in love with him. He is one of the most inspirational people I know and he sees in me the image of me I want the world to see, but the life ahead of me looks grim and scary. Do you all think its worth it? Or should I turn back now? Quit my job (regardless of my contacts at the current firm) and just end this or do I see what life he and I can have together?
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Old 30th April 2006, 4:53 AM   #2
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I suggest you read some of the other OW threads. I think you'll find that what your MM is telling you is the same thing all MM tell their OW. Uphappy marriage, they're getting a divorce, etc. Very few ever really leave. In fact, most use the "staying for the children" excuse. If you want to pursue this thing, I suggest you not let it go further until he's finalized his divorce. Otherwise you may be stuck for years in something that will take quite a toll on you.

Also, you've only been seeing each other for 5 months and you're only 22, why are you already thinking about becoming wife #3?

It's probably not what you want to hear, but I think the best advice is to find a single guy your own age. Since you've already gotten into an affair, that's probably going to involve leaving your job.
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Old 30th April 2006, 4:56 AM   #3
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Hi Uncertain,

Wow, we have very similar stories. I'm 27, and my boss (who is a very high executive) is 23 years older. I have a great career, and am overall a confident, happy person. He and I have had an affair for almost a year. In fact, I am at the airport right now ... I am going to meet him in America, where we are going to a weelong business conference together.

- How do you know he will leave her in June?
- Why are you meeting his kids? Unless you are an official girlfriend and the wife and he are officially seperated, the kids will have to be accomplices to the affair and it will burden them. This is very unfair to the kids. My MM wants me to meet his son, which I refuse.
- You're 22. I may not be that much older age-wise, but there is HUGE difference between your early 20's and later 20's. I think I became an "adult" about a year ago...and I'm considered very mature for my age. Any relationship at age 22 is risky because you are naive. I don't care how much life you've lived - you're still a baby. I wouldn't be surprised if, at my age, you look back and wonder, "what the hell did I see in him?" (I have)

Don't think so far ahead - he still is married. And until he is totally out of the marriage, divorced, living with you, the chances of you both ending up together is very very slim. The chances of me ending up with my MM is also very slim. Sure, it can happen, but let's be realistic. Life is complicated. S**t happens.

So, my advice - don't see his kids yet. Realize that there is more than 80% chance that the relationship won't work out. And start seeing other guys! Now is the time to really see what you want in a man - and trust me, unless you go out with a wide variety, you will never truly know.
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Old 30th April 2006, 5:39 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncertain1983
I am 22 years old, a fairly confident person, have a great job, am a CPA, and am pretty happy person overall. I started working at my current job about a 2 yrs ago and immediately loved it. My married boss was a fantastic boss and we clicked. We both had a passion for the work and a number of other things in common. About 5 months ago, we started seeing each other. I realize now that I've been in love with him for a while, but just didn't know it. I know the standard response is "wow, how can you be such a horrible person?" But, it just sort of happened. Him and his wife of the past 5 yrs got married after 3 months of dating because she got pregnant. He doesn't love her and they fight like crazy.

He's planning to leave her in June, but there are quite a number of issues with this relationship and I ask you all with the experience, is it worth it? He is my, almost CEO of our company, boss. My father has met him because my father's company is partnering with my company on a business proposal. We both have a very good future at our current company, but if we want this to work one of us has to leave and considering he makes about 4-5 times what I do, I think its going to be me that leaves. He's also 17 yrs older than me (but we don't feel a difference in the age). We also have completely different cultural and racial backgrounds. He also has children that I'm going to be spending time with tomorrow afternoon. Oh and this is his second wife and if things with us work out, I'd be the third, but in his defense, his first wife left him and he was very in love with her. Sadly, he tells me how much I remind him of her (not physically, but personality). I'm not sure if that is a problem all in itself. I just listed I think every issue I can identify with my situation, but of course as it stands, I'm completely in love with him. He is one of the most inspirational people I know and he sees in me the image of me I want the world to see, but the life ahead of me looks grim and scary. Do you all think its worth it? Or should I turn back now? Quit my job (regardless of my contacts at the current firm) and just end this or do I see what life he and I can have together?
Uncertain,

I think there are two strands to this.

First of all, there is the issue as to whether or not he WILL actually leave. I suggest you read some of the threads here; you will read all about "cake eaters", back tracking, users, MM's going between OW and M like a ping pong ball (but also the very rare genuine MM). I am not going to repeat all of that, but I think you'll get the message pretty fast. It ain't pretty. Now, I am NOT saying that your MM is necessarily a cake eater etc, only you can decide that for yourself and time will tell anyway. I just want you to be aware of that - no doubt other posters will fill in any gaps!!!

Secondly, do you actually WANT this? Let's assume for a second that your MM does actually leave his wife in June, do you want to take on his kids? (I don't know how many and how old they are, but you do) Do you fancy having a potentially bitter exW being part of your life for years and years to come - remember that she is the mother of the children and she ain't gonna go away...? You are still young and perhaps there is plenty to experience yet before you settle down with such a heavy burden? No, I am not saying that "you're just a kid", you're clearly not. But there could be loads of fun out there which you might miss if you decide to embark on this? Your future should not seem "grim and scary" at 22 years of age...

Are you sure about him? You mention the fact that you would be W no 3... I know you know him for 2 years, but you are only romantically involved for 5 months...

Now, you also have to consider the possibility that he does NOT leave his W in June. Are you willing to be the OW? For how long? What would happen if you were caught having the A?

No, I am not one of those people who will automatically say "DON'T DO IT!", in fact I am not going to say if I think it is worth it or if you should turn your back on it. But I think that you REALLY need to consider everything before you decide what to do. You seem a bit hesitant and there is a good reason for it.
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Old 30th April 2006, 6:54 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncertain1983
Him and his wife of the past 5 yrs got married after 3 months of dating because she got pregnant. He doesn't love her and they fight like crazy.

He's planning to leave her in June.
Hello, Uncertain.

While he may be telling the truth about the state of his M, and his decision to leave in June, the fact is that as others have already stated, this is pretty standard stuff.

Since this separation/leaving date is coming up so soon (just a few weeks), my advice would be to back off from the R at this time. I don't know what the nature of your R is, but I would say, no more sex, coffees, dinners, meetings in the store cupboard, texts, etc.

Not only will that protect you from being on the merry-go-round which is 'are you leaving now?' 'no, dear, something came up so I can't do it till August' (imagine something really dumb like... his dog died... it will happen)... it will also show him, in no uncertain terms, that you're not about to settle for being the OW.

You know, it's amazing how many MM who were bent on leaving, suddenly find themselves able to put up with being married because they have an OW to adore them. So... don't fall into that trap.

So, that's my advice, fwiw, on how to behave regarding MM/OW relations.

How you feel you can deal with being wife #3, step-children and all the other baggage, is another matter.
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Old 30th April 2006, 8:30 AM   #6
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Well my take is this and another thing to consider along with the other posters.

After having learned the hard way (7 yrs), if his M is all that bad, that you should ask him: "If I wasn't in the picture, would you leave anyway?" "Were you planning on leaving it before me?" I have come to the realization that if you do not love someone and its a horrible M, then that right there is enough to end the M so both of the spouses can get on with their lives and be given the chance to be happy with someone else. That should be his motivation for leaving, not that there is now another woman in the picture, because that is also clouding his judgment. I have to believe at the age of 35, when he found out she was pregnant, that he would have been old enough and smart enough to realize that you don't just get M because a woman gets pregnant after only knowing her 3 months. But they rushed right into it. I think he has to leave because its the right thing for both of them and eventually what the child will have to go through. If, after he's D, and you still want to pursue this, then you have a real chance to "date" in a normal fashion, get to know each other outside of work, and then decide if he is the one for you, just like any other dating R would go. He probably finds you a breath of fresh air since you have seem to have so much in common and interests.

So take it for what its worth, but if you are not completely heavily invested emotionally, now is the time to step aside and see what he really wants to do with his M and his life.

And you DO have so much ahead of you. Don't put all your eggs in one basket (that is already leaking).
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Old 30th April 2006, 8:39 AM   #7
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I agree with the other ladies here. also as movinon stated if your not already heavily invested emotionally perhaps you should step aside and see what happens. we have had the experiences of our MM telling us the same things yet here we all are with out them.

I also don't know if I'd be quick to leave the company..this is your career your talking about as well...keep that in mind..don't make giant moves to upset your life that you might look back with much regret. just my 2 cents
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Old 30th April 2006, 8:48 AM   #8
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I also don't know if I'd be quick to leave the company..this is your career your talking about as well...keep that in mind..don't make giant moves to upset your life that you might look back with much regret. just my 2 cents

A big ditto on this point LNF. I'll add my 2 cents and now we have 4 cents. Anybody for 6 cents?
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Old 30th April 2006, 8:57 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by movinon05

A big ditto on this point LNF. I'll add my 2 cents and now we have 4 cents. Anybody for 6 cents?
thanks...it's true making big moves would proably be the worst thing to do especially with no moves on MM's part...it would be completly unfair to herself on this one.
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Old 30th April 2006, 10:55 AM   #10
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I appreciate all of your responses. So where should I start? I admit I am young- I turn 23 in two months, but I have been in a relationship for most of my life. Two very serious ones that almsot ended in marriage, but I knew they weren't right and ended them. Things with this guy seems so different. He's brilliant! I have known him for 2 yrs, so the funny thing is while we weren't in a relationship, we have had these AMAZING conversations at our office for the past 2 yrs. The chemistry sort of built up over time. I meet plenty of good looking, my age guys. I just don't feel the way I do for him for these other guys. In the beginning of this, I was seeing other guys, but I just couldn't after a certain point because it hurt. And as far as being too young to get married, a number of my friends are married or are getting married and if I had stayed with either of my ex-es, I would be too.

The idea of being his 3rd wife came from him. Because he's a serial monogamist and as much as there are marital problems, he tells me that I'm the greatest push on this action, otherwise he would just suck it and up and deal with his wife to be around his children (I know you've probably all heard stuff like that).

Hmm, as far as his leaving, you're all 100% right. I don't know if he is. I also don't know the impression I've given him. Maybe he thinks I am ok with being the OW, but here's the thing its really challenging to cut this off for more than 1 reason, even just temporarily. While he is a very very high executive, this high executive chose to make me his protege a long time before any of this happened. Meaning at this point, we go to all of the meetings together. All of our clients know both he and I as a team. I deal with him on a day to day basis for every project or issue that comes up. Our clients adore me, but if I leave, it all goes to ****, but if I stay, it won't end and it can't. We've made out in his office. Its really bad and I think people might be starting to put it together. But leaving also means will I find another job as good? I just don't know and the question will become, why did you leave your old firm.

And ok now it is time for me to go meet his son. He just called. Oh gosh, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. Some part of me is sooo not ready for this, but I love him and his kids are sooooo adorable!
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Old 30th April 2006, 11:04 AM   #11
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Sorry babe but he's not going to leave!
Don't even get involved!
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Old 30th April 2006, 11:05 AM   #12
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You're full of stuff from his head... the business, the possibility of being his next wife... and now you have to leave off thinking of things because you're off into something else with him.

I am sure... you need to sit down. Think about things. And... I don't know. What would I have done at your age..? It's so hard. Even when, as I have, you've been through several bad times with men who you believed in at the time.

At this moment I think... there is too much going on in your head and heart for you to even look at what we're writing. I get that impression. But you know what...? I think that either you're going to breeze through this and not touch the sides... (end it with him, incidentally, because you're strong and don't need this) or you are going to wish you had listened to us somewhere along the line (as I am beginning to do, although at the time I was asking there was only OldEurope ~ who has probably been right all along but who wants to listen to her radical but worked approach ~ and a bunch of betrayed OW going NC, and a lot of general LS'ers with their black and white view of things to listen to).

You're kind of lucky at the moment... this board is full of women who are very understanding, and quite knowledgeable.

I think that unless you're sure you're going to float through this no problem it would be a great idea to listen to a few stories.
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Old 30th April 2006, 1:04 PM   #13
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Oh God.

NOT AGAIN!!!!
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Old 30th April 2006, 8:11 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Uncertain1983
I appreciate all of your responses. So where should I start? I admit I am young- I turn 23 in two months, but I have been in a relationship for most of my life. Two very serious ones that almsot ended in marriage, but I knew they weren't right and ended them. Things with this guy seems so different. He's brilliant! I have known him for 2 yrs, so the funny thing is while we weren't in a relationship, we have had these AMAZING conversations at our office for the past 2 yrs. The chemistry sort of built up over time. I meet plenty of good looking, my age guys. I just don't feel the way I do for him for these other guys. In the beginning of this, I was seeing other guys, but I just couldn't after a certain point because it hurt. And as far as being too young to get married, a number of my friends are married or are getting married and if I had stayed with either of my ex-es, I would be too.

The idea of being his 3rd wife came from him. Because he's a serial monogamist and as much as there are marital problems, he tells me that I'm the greatest push on this action, otherwise he would just suck it and up and deal with his wife to be around his children (I know you've probably all heard stuff like that).

Hmm, as far as his leaving, you're all 100% right. I don't know if he is. I also don't know the impression I've given him. Maybe he thinks I am ok with being the OW, but here's the thing its really challenging to cut this off for more than 1 reason, even just temporarily. While he is a very very high executive, this high executive chose to make me his protege a long time before any of this happened. Meaning at this point, we go to all of the meetings together. All of our clients know both he and I as a team. I deal with him on a day to day basis for every project or issue that comes up. Our clients adore me, but if I leave, it all goes to ****, but if I stay, it won't end and it can't. We've made out in his office. Its really bad and I think people might be starting to put it together. But leaving also means will I find another job as good? I just don't know and the question will become, why did you leave your old firm.

And ok now it is time for me to go meet his son. He just called. Oh gosh, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. Some part of me is sooo not ready for this, but I love him and his kids are sooooo adorable!
This is a mess.

You're a 23-year-old bright up-and-comer, from the sounds of things, with a lovely future ahead of you.

Yet you're hooked up with a middle-aged, self-described 'serial monogamist' who's willing to confuse the hell out of his kids. Please don't think the kids have no clue.
My dad cheated on my mom for years and by age 8 my sister had it figured out.
Yeah, we met a couple of dad's 'friends' too. Haha.

Any woman past the age of 30 is reading this, shaking her head and saying, "Oh, that poor young thing."

Love is not chemistry.

Love is working through difficult, sticky, uncomfortable parts of a marriage. Believe me, every marriage has them.

Love is not appreciating someone during their 'brilliant' moments, but also knowing them at their petty, irritating, illogical and idiotic moments. If you haven't seen any of these moments yet, you don't know him yet.

REAL love is about honesty, respect, intimacy and vulnerability. These are things that really take time to get to. After only five months, I suspect you are still swamped in fantasy

In summation, OP...this looks like a trainwreck waiting to happen.

I'd pull back and let him know that WHEN he's divorced you'd be willing to take things slowly and see what develops.

Take care and good luck



Love is respecting your children enough not to expose them to the woman you're seeing behind their mother's back.
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Old 3rd May 2006, 11:27 PM   #15
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Perhaps, it is time to ask yourself where you see the relationship going.
Is it a situation that you will end in shattered and broken dreams and simply wash away like grains of sand on the shore. OR is it a relationship that will be that ONE LOVE that never fades away, a love of a lifetime?
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