MM is filing for divorce, I need advice...

[DepressedWaiting]

I don't know if you guys remember me by reading my past threads recently. I just posted about two weeks ago. My MM is now filing for divorce, he already has an attorney/estate planner (whatever that means)... and says he is working on divorce right now and will be filing for divorce VERY shortly. I'm the one who accidentally told his wife about the affair (long story).

 

But what I'm hoping to get some opinions on is that... he is still living with his wife. His wife found out about the affair and she quit her job last week because of it. She doesn't know he wants a divorce and is planning it.

 

MM is screetly planning divorce and working with an attorney right now for the very first time and actively pursuing it full force.

 

My question is... I "think" my MM will refuse to leave the house when he files for divorce. I know 100% that his wife will without a doubt refuse to leave the house as well when he has filed for divorce because she will fight for every cent she can get. So when I ask my MM "So what you are telling me is that... once you have literally filed for divorce you might still be living with your wife 4 months from now if it takes that long?!?!". He says he doesn't know because he refuses to leave his house and is working with his attorney so that he will keep his house. He owned his house MANY years before he married and it's in his name, he's only been married 4 years, no kids. I know 100% that his wife will NEVER get the house in the divorce.

 

But I do know she will fight to get everything she can. My question is... how long do things like this generally take? I mean if MM filed for divorce and his wife refuses to leave the house... can this drag on for years?

 

I'm very confused right now.. I don't know if I should be happy that MM is proving me wrong and is actually filing for divorce... WOW I never thoguht this day would come. Or if I should still be very cautious because things like this can drag on for years?

 

I don't know what to think, I'm very confused. MM says I'm going to feel very stupid for never trusting him or listening to "internet garbage" about affairs when he actually proves me wrong...

 

MM says when he hears from his attorney next week he will update me with more info because this is all new to him and he doesn't know all the deadlines or how this works yet and that it's the biggest move and issue he's ever dealt with in his entire life and that it's costing him tons of money and that he's doing it all for me.

 

How long do things like this usually take if both spouses refuse to leave the house?

[DepressedWaiting]

As silly as this sounds I'm almost paranoid about posting here thinking his wife is going to see my posts. I know that's absurd... but I have that thought in the back of my mind. This is the last post I'm making here... I don't know why I'm paranoid about that!

 

After this thread I'm taking a break and will update you guys once... whatever happens... comes to a conlusion.

 

I have this sick feeliong that... even after he has filed for divorce that it's going to drag out for an entire year! I'm not sticking around for that. If MM cannot move into an aprtment or live somewhere else tempoarly once he's filed for divorce... I'm out of here. I mean he can move back into the house once the court gives full custody of the house to him. Don't you agree? I mean, he KNOWS he will eventually get the house 100%... not his wife when it's all over and done.

 

I'm not sticking around if he's going to be living with his wife for another 4-6 months... after he has filed for divorce. That is ridiculous.

[Owl]

Just because he owned the house before the marriage does NOT mean that he'll get the house...it all depends on where they live more than anything else. But, many states will require that they divide the assets up evenly...which means if they cannot come to an agreement on who gets the house, it will have to be sold and the money split between them...and yes, the divorce CAN be put on hold pending the outcome of the sale.

 

He may be 'secretly' planning on this divorce...but I would not be the least bit surprised if it doesn't happen once his wife gets wind of it. It COULD happen...but often it doesn't seem to happen that easily most times.

 

The state I live in requires a 60 month SEPERATION before they'll grant divorce...even if both parties are willing. That means that one or the other would HAVE to leave the premises for that 60 days to start...and if both refuse to move out, then the divorce CANNOT proceed until after seperate and go through that 60 day period.

 

Bad news for you I know...but it could be different where you live too.

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, I knew it. I jumped the gun. I think this is a whole new mess starting now. I don't know. I'm not going to post too much anymore right now. I'll talk to MM after he hears more from his attorney.

 

NO, his wife... when she finds out... this will not stop him. His wife already knows... sort of. This is why she quit her job.

 

This is all very new to me, MM seems to be VERY serious about it and is actively pursuing it full force. He says he WILL prove me wrong and will give more more details when he hears from his attorney.

 

I don't know YET (100%) if MM would really refuse to leave the house or if he would be willing to live elsewhere once he files. He most certainly is not going to be living with me... noway. I don't want to be with him until he is free and clear of this whole mess. I may have mis-understood him... I think what he's really saying is that he refuses to lose the house... but maybe he will live elsewhere temporarly during the divorce. He wouldn't answer my questions... he asked me to please give him a break and not discuss it until he hears from his attorney...

 

so I just don't know too much right now

 

P.S- About the house... a while back I actually emailed many divorce attorneys describing the situation (pretending to be MM). ALL the attorneys wrote that is is EXTREMELY unlikely that his wife would get the house.

 

I know 100% she would NOT get the house. BUT what could happen is that... if there aren't enough funds in the bank or other assest for an equal split.. then the hosue might have to be sold. Now this is a very big possibilty. If this happens... MM will die. This house means everything to him... I'm very wary of this. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm very worried... MM says I shouldn't be because no matter what... he will prove me wrong.

[DepressedWaiting]

Actually, I'm going to email some divorce attorneys again. Some of them were really helpful, they also told me 4 years is considered a very short term marriage. I'm going to email some attorneys and ask them for a second opinion. Maybe I can get some more info on this and get more educated.

 

The more I know... the better. I;m just wondering... what is my MM going to do if he does has to sell his hosue in order to split assests... is he going to go through with it.. or lose me? I guess time will tell. I'm going to ask him this specific question the next time I talk to him. THIS is my biggest conern.

 

You guys don't know how much this house means to him, it's everything he has. He worked his entire life in order to be able to live the way he does. If he chooses that over me... the h*ll with him!

[whichwayisup]

Be prepared for anything to happen. Expect the worst, hope for the best.

 

Maybe you need to detach from him even more right now, if this goes to battle, and trust me, SHE is going to make his life HELL - He won't be any fun to be around. Plus, relationship ending in divorce, he still will need time to digest it all and go through the emotions. Don't put pressure on him right now, wait and see what happens. If you push things you may not like it if he pushes back and ASKS for space. Just be a friend to him, listen to him but do not get involved. I would honestly stop contacting divorce lawyers and getting info. This is HIS stuff that has nothing to do with you. IF his wife founds out that you're part of the equation she will go after you too. She's hurt like hell, pissed off and really, what is stopping her right now? She has nothing to lose when she finds out he's filing.

 

And yes, if he choses his lifestyle over you, walk away. Forever.

[DepressedWaiting]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I think that is good advice and I'll take it. I'm not presurring him anymore right now. I know I should go full no contact until everything is all over... but I don't think or know if I can really do it.

 

I know too little at this point... this is all very new. I mean for the first time he really is VERY serious about divorce and will file. I need to talk to MM a little more about it and get more info next week after he hears from his attorney.

 

Who knows what's going to happen once he does actually file and the sh*t hits the fan again. He says he needs my support now and that going no contact is not a good plan. He needs my support and comfort and know that I am there for him. But he says he will go no contact if it makes things easier for me... but that he does not think that is a good idea and cannot be without me.

 

I cannot believe I am even discussing this... that he really is going to file for divorce! I mean this whole time I believed he would... but then not really after reading all the posts here and reading all these negative articles on affairs. I hope you know what I mean.

 

But I guess just because he files... it doesn't mean it's over. I guess that's when the real h*ll begins... until it's REALLY over and alll the split of assests has been completed.

[Sami_D]

DepressedWaiting, I'm glad things seem to be moving for you. But you had better get ready for a long, painful period during which you may have to pull away from him to give him space to do this without hassling him or trying to take control in a situation that's between him and his W. If you were depressed waiting before this... it's not going to get any better very soon.

 

I suggest you go over to gloryb.com, to their Surviving Divorce forum, and read some of the stories from people going through this phase of the R. I think that forum would be much better for you at this point... there are a lot of people there who have been through it themselves.

 

And as others have said... be prepared for some very difficult times, and disappointments. Including his W deciding to fight for him as well as the property. Also... if he's only filed 'in secret'... I'd be wondering exactly why, and (because I'm an 'I'll believe it when I see it' kind of person...) I'd be asking myself if he really HAS filed.

[Sami_D]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I think that is good advice and I'll take it. I'm not presurring him anymore right now. I know I should go full no contact until everything is all over... but I don't think or know if I can really do it.

 

I know too little at this point... this is all very new. I mean for the first time he really is VERY serious about divorce and will file. I need to talk to MM a little more about it and get more info next week after he hears from his attorney.

 

Who knows what's going to happen once he does actually file and the sh*t hits the fan again. He says he needs my support now and that going no contact is not a good plan. He needs my support and comfort and know that I am there for him. But he says he will go no contact if it makes things easier for me... but that he does not think that is a good idea and cannot be without me.

 

I cannot believe I am even discussing this... that he really is going to file for divorce! I mean this whole time I believed he would... but then not really after reading all the posts here and reading all these negative articles on affairs. I hope you know what I mean.

 

But I guess just because he files... it doesn't mean it's over. I guess that's when the real h*ll begins... until it's REALLY over and alll the split of assests has been completed.

 

Reading this latest post of yours... I think you really have it all about right in your mind. And I SO HOPE that it's all going to go ahead for you!! Good luck!

 

I would agree with him, though... he does need you now. Even if it's just for a safe haven to go to when he feels right at the end of his tether. NC is NOT the way to go at this stage unless you have to for your own well-being and peace of mind (and to protect the R from disintegrating). Please go to gloryb.com and read up on other people's experiences with this time... I think it would help you so much.

[DepressedWaiting]

SamiD, he hasn't filed yet. He is working with his divorce attorney/estate planner. He is arranging something first that must be taken care of first before rushing into filing unprepared... then once he has finished communictaing with his attorney and has gathered up his divorce plan... THEN he will file for divorce right after.

 

The reason he is seeking this in screet right now is because his wife just found out about the affair and quit her job. He is already going through h*ll at home. He knows his wife doesn't believe in divorce and is going to rasie h*ll when he files. He doesn't want to deal with this additional headache any longer than he has to. It will be even more H*ll at home if he wasn't doing this initial plannning discreetly.

 

He wants to get everything together with his attorney first.

 

I guess I'll see what hapens. I do hope what he's telling me is true. That he will do anything to be with me and that no matter what he will divorce and that it's the biggest most important move of his life and that he's doing it all for me. There is no replacing me he says and that he will prove it.

 

He then wants to go to counseling with me when it's all over. Which I agree to.

[DepressedWaiting]

SamiD, you were posting at the same time I was. Yes, actually I also think going no contact is not the way to go right now. I mean, I do know that he is VERY serious about filiing for the first time ever. I think I just need to suck it up... trust him for once (trust him for the very first time ever)... and risk getting hurt in the end.

 

To me, he is worth the risk

 

If he fails me... he will only have this one chance to fail me. Thus far he hasn't failed me not once. If he does... I will NEVER look back.

 

I'll just have to take his word and trust him for once... take the risk.. and see the final outcome. BUT... if he delays filing divorce... I am gone!

 

He has already hired the lawyer thoguh... and he says filing will come VERY soon.

[DepressedWaiting]

Sorry for the dumb question I'm about to ask, but once MM files for divorce... does that mean the divorce will 100% go through? Or can he still back out of it once he has filed?

 

I'm just curious about that or if anyone knows. I'm not exactly sure how that works...

 

I know his wife cannot stop divorce even if she treis, that's not what I'm inquiring about.

[whichwayisup]

Nothing is final until they both sign their signatures. He could change his mind. So could she. Unfortunately whatever is going to happen, will happen, good or bad. There is no nice way for him to ask for a divorce, she IS going to be upset and a wreck.

 

Do no contact, in the sense of intimacy and sex. Listen to him, be a friend, an ear - That is all. Don't HELP him out in the sense of physically getting involved when it comes to his divorce. Keep your distance and shield your heart abit.

[DepressedWaiting]

I see thanks, yes that's what I thought.

 

I'm curious though as to what happens if he files for divorce and signs the divorce papers but she refuses to sign.

 

I know that even if she refuses to sign divorce papers that the divorce will still go through and that she cannot stop it. So I'm wondering how that works exactly... I mean... if his wife never signs the divorce papers.

 

I guess what happens in this case is that the divorce will still eventually go through anyway just that it will take longer and even if she never signs the divorce papers... the divorce will still be granted for the husband and it will go through eventually. Just that it would slow it down.

 

So I guess I just answered my own question

 

I guess now all I have to do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst

 

I hope he really does prove me wrong. He says no matter what... NOTHING wil stop him and that he will prove me wrong. He told me to please trust him... ease up on him for once and stop giving him constant h*ll... and support him through it. So I'm going to take the risk... and do it.

[whichwayisup]

She can make it very difficult for him if she refuses to sign. DO you want to be around during that mess? Probably not. And if she decides to go all out - Be very careful. She could hire a PI, and prove that he was having an affair. Just keep your eyes open and I say it again...Shield your heart, distance yourself from this situation and let whatever happen, happen. You nor him can control how she will react. And what she could do. He could change his mind, get a flutter of feelings and could decide not to leave her, who knows. But, if you want to stick around and trust him - Be aware of the space thing. Don't nag him, don't tell him what to do or how to feel...he has to do things HIS way. You are taking a huge risk. Just hope he's worth it after all is said and done.

[DepressedWaiting]

Whishwayisup,

 

Thanks, actually you just made me realize something. You are right, his wife could hire a PI. That would not be good. She actually DID hire a PI during her first marriage when she suspected her husband was cheating. That's how she discovered that her first husband cheated. Once it was discovered her first husband divorced her and left her for the OW.

 

But, even if she did hire a PI now and got PROOF of the affair her current husband is having with me... I don't think it would make too much of a difference. The reason I say this is because I've contacted MANY divorce attorneys and already really looked into this aspect. The state I live in is not a community property state (it's not like california).. but also courts nowadays are not too concerned about affiars. Meaning the judge in court does not care who cheated on who during the marriage. This is not concentrated on so much.

 

I was told this by MANY divorce attorneys in my ststae, that even if he had an affair and she had proof, it would not help her case that much. I mean sure of course it would make him look bad and would make the jury not like him as much which could help her get more in the divorce... BUT it most definiftely is not something that should be of any great concern and is not something that would make his wife get a WHOLE LOT more in the divorce. I was told this by many attorneys. They told me I shouldn't place my concern on this and that this is not an area that I should put my worry into because courts do not operate like that and do not place such a great importance on affairs.

 

But still, I think that would be terrible if his wife did hire a PI and got proof of the affair... because you just NEVER know.

 

So I actually think it would be better to go no contact until he is fully divorced. I don't know. I'm very confused with what to do in regards to that. I'm going to talk to MM tomorrow and will talk to him and see what he thinks.

 

I also just heard from somebody... that MM should NOT move out of the house once he files for divorce because if he moves out... then he will lose the house. That he should stay in his hosue and not move out. Anyone know if this is true or not?

 

I still want to ask a divorce attorney a few questions to clear up some confusion I have. I just really need to find out some answers from an attorney.

[Sami_D]

It would probably be better if she didn't find out about the A, not from the point of view of what a court would do, but from the fact that she's likely to take it really badly, given that it's happened to her before. We don't know her character, but she could react in all sorts of negative ways, none of which will help MM or you.

 

I agree with others who have said to stay in touch with him, but being extremely careful. Him getting a mobile that she doesn't know about (top up phone) would be the simplest way I can think of at the moment. But be aware that there's probably a trail of evidence through his bank accounts, phone bills, etc. which might already lead to you. So you might want to change your phone number if you think she might start calling you.

 

But having said that, you said she already 'knows'... probably all you can do at this stage is make sure that she can't find out where you live or give you any kind of hassle, because that would be unpleasant.

 

Also, I understand you're focusing on the legal issues concerning the house, and whether he or she might back out of the D late in the process, you really need to try to relax a little on that aspect and try not to pressure him or try to take control of things (even if it's only intellectually).

 

Once again, I urge you to go to http://www.gloryb.com/

 

It's for OW. It has a really good forums section, including one called Surviving Divorce. Another subject to look for is surviving a D-day (and the stuff that the W can do once she finds out she's been betrayed). Just half an hour reading there will answer MOST of the questions that are only just occurring to you now.