Having a stressful day

[sadlittlegirl]

Sorry for posting but I really need to get this out of my system and there's no one to talk to. This is one of the days where I'm hitting rock bottom and I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

Why is it so hard to accept it's over when it's been months? How do I get out of this rut that MM left me in? It's so easy to say, join some activities, go out with friends, but when I come back home at night, I'm lonelier than ever and the reality that I'll never be with him again just crushes me. I'm open to dating again, but I'm just not meeting anyone nice and it's exhausting to make the effort to put myself out there when I'm still hurting. Total NC doesn't work for me at all, it just makes my mind go a little crazy wondering what he's doing. It's such a relief to see him at work or online because I know exactly where he is, and I can put him to the back of my mind and focus on what I should be doing instead.

 

I know MM doesn't care that I'm not around. He doesn't show it, he never contacts me, he goes out with his friends to have fun just like he used to, probably flirts with other girls while he's out there, stays home like a good husband on weekends.

 

I can see that it's a good thing we ended it, that I wasn't dragged through a messy divorce case which would have affected my career (his wife threatened to tell our managers and colleagues) but I just can't bring myself to be grateful for getting out of the situation when I want to be with him so much even now.

 

I IMed MM at work today. I couldn't resist the temptation, I wanted to hear from him so badly. I just said hi and asked how he was. He replied immediately 'alright' and asked how I was too. I asked him if he got into trouble for meeting up with me last time and he gave me some frivolous answer. He seemed interested in hearing how I was, asking very casually if some mutual male acquaintances were still asking me out. I gave a non-commital answer, then said I had to go and signed off.

 

Sometimes it gives me hope that he's willing to talk to me now. At other times, I feel like he's just playing the game, throwing me crumbs and glad to be off the hook. I want to ask him out to just clear up everything once and for all, but I wouldn't know what to ask or if it would help anything. Maybe I just want to know that he's not as happy as I think he is, that he does miss me a little, that there's still space for us to be friends and a corner in each other's life.

 

Edit: For those of you who do not know why I seem to be so fixated on my MM, I guess I should explain he was the first man whom I fell in love and was involved with...it breaks my heart to know that ten years from now all the memories I'll ever have of my first love will be of the tears and pain.

[Blackfrost]

I want to ask him out to just clear up everything once and for all, but I wouldn't know what to ask or if it would help anything.

 

This probably wouldn't do anything beneficial for you. In fact it may make the vulnerable, pained state that you're in worse. You simply have to take this day by day, and yes, the pain will lessen a tiny bit each day. Will you ever not feel anything for him again? probably not. But as long as you can remain strong, and get past the traumatic "i need contact" times, all you will feel for him in the future is like looking back on an old memory.

 

Maybe I just want to know that he's not as happy as I think he is, that he does miss me a little, that there's still space for us to be friends and a corner in each other's life.

 

Sadly, I know how much you wish too hear that he is not happy (and there is always that slim possibility) but ultimately you need to stop thinking like this, because it's hurting you, not him. You need to focus on you now - he is done and over.

 

As for friends in each others lives again: come on, you know in your heart that this will never work out. You've had a high level of intimacy, and that will always be in each of your minds, whenever you see each other - if ever - in the future.

 

The best you can get out of this situation now, is too LEARN FROM THE PAIN YOU ARE FEELING. If you learn nothing from this for your future, you are doomed to repeat and go through it all over again with someone else. Sometimes it takes hard lessons like this in life, to shape us into the better people we are capable of being in our futures. God knows I've learned some seriously painful and hard lessons in my time as well. In fact, I'm quite lucky to still be alive, from some of things that I learned from.

 

Cheers

[bendit]

Originally posted by sadlittlegirl

 

 

Why is it so hard to accept it's over when it's been months? How do I get out of this rut that MM left me in? It's so easy to say, join some activities, go out with friends, but when I come back home at night, I'm lonelier than ever and the reality that I'll never be with him again just crushes me. I'm open to dating again, but I'm just not meeting anyone nice and it's exhausting to make the effort to put myself out there when I'm still hurting. Total NC doesn't work for me at all, it just makes my mind go a little crazy wondering what he's doing. It's such a relief to see him at work or online because I know exactly where he is, and I can put him to the back of my mind and focus on what I should be doing instead.

 

I IMed MM at work today. I couldn't resist the temptation, I wanted to hear from him so badly. I just said hi and asked how he was. He replied immediately 'alright' and asked how I was too. I asked him if he got into trouble for meeting up with me last time and he gave me some frivolous answer. He seemed interested in hearing how I was, asking very casually if some mutual male acquaintances were still asking me out. I gave a non-commital answer, then said I had to go and signed off.

 

Sometimes it gives me hope that he's willing to talk to me now. At other times, I feel like he's just playing the game, throwing me crumbs and glad to be off the hook. I want to ask him out to just clear up everything once and for all, but I wouldn't know what to ask or if it would help anything. Maybe I just want to know that he's not as happy as I think he is, that he does miss me a little, that there's still space for us to be friends and a corner in each other's life.

 

 

it is so SIMPLE..you will continue to be in excruciating pain as long as you play the fool by contacting him...PERIOD.

If you want to end your pain, you will have to let this addiction go. But I've noticed that's not really an option for a lot of you...

 

regards

 

Mike

[sadlittlegirl]

Blackfrost: Thanks for the reply. I spilled all my emotions here because I'm always putting on a cheery face outside, this is the one place where I can let my wounds bleed in safe anonymity. The advice I've been given on this forum are things I do recognize at the back of my mind but it drives the message home more clearly to be given pithy words of wisdom by others than do the whole 'good angel bad angel' in my head.

 

Mike: It's really not that easy. I try to, believe me. But NC is actually harder for me than periodic contact.

[izzybelle]

sad,

 

i remember all too well being in the place you're in now. the lonliness and sadness that can sometimes feel overwhelming. like you, i found NC to be unbearable and worse for me in the long run. it was easier for me to hear his voice, relive the pain for a moment or two, and then go back to licking my wounds.

 

and i know, everyone told me to keep busy, that it would help, that i should try to meet someone single and move on. it took almost a year, but i am now able to do that. i tried to date after about 6 months and ended up feeling worse, like i was somehow cheating on him. truth is, i was just cheating myself. he was still occupying too much of my energy, i couldn't even begin to invest myself in seeing someone else. what i realize now is that i was trying too hard, i was trying to force myself to be ready for something that i wasn't ready for. and it was a mess.

 

and like you, i'd go out and put on my happy face. he!! i'd previously been in an unhappy marriage for years and putting on the "happy everything's great" face had become second nature.

 

i can't even tell you when exactly things changed, it just slowly happened, and while i still think of him time to time, it's not the same anymore. whether it was getting my self-esteem back, my self-confidence, that i had grown weary of feeling miserable, i don't know, but it did happen ... and it will for you, too. sure, you can go out, have fun and it will help but sometimes i just felt like i was putting a bandaid on my wounds only to find that when that bandaid fell off i would feel the pain all over again. i don't know that the wounds will ever completely heal, but that's ok. the scars he left behind are a reminder of the reality of the way things are sometimes, and the fact that i have to care more about myself and what's best for me. i use that knowlege for strength, even now when things go wrong that don't involve him. it's not even the morality of the whole thing, although my take on that has changed as a result, it's more of what's best for me. i had convinced myself that he was the love of my life, that he was my solemate, that there would never ever be anyone who could make me feel that way. i have no doubt that there is someone out there who can, but i've reached that place that if it happens, it will happen, it's not something i can go in search of to "replace" him in my heart and in my life. time alone, removed him from that special "reserved for the one i love" space in my heart.

 

time will help you heal, but sometiimes time seems to go on forever and much too slowly, and we feel like we're standing still, just watching the world go by. there are no magic potions, no magic words. somewhere inside of you, you will find that strength and it will get better, trust me, you will heal. and when you do and you look back on this all you, too, will wonder WTF took you so long to get him out of your system!

 

take care!

 

izzy

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by sadlittlegirl

Why is it so hard to accept it's over when it's been months? How do I get out of this rut that MM left me in? It's so easy to say, join some activities, go out with friends, but when I come back home at night, I'm lonelier than ever and the reality that I'll never be with him again just crushes me. I'm open to dating again, but I'm just not meeting anyone nice and it's exhausting to make the effort to put myself out there when I'm still hurting. Total NC doesn't work for me at all, it just makes my mind go a little crazy wondering what he's doing. It's such a relief to see him at work or online because I know exactly where he is, and I can put him to the back of my mind and focus on what I should be doing instead.

 

I know how you feel, as I am in the same boat, the TITANIC! It isn't over, but it is nowhere near where it was. I am so sad I can barely function at all. I'm down to 1 call a day from him instead of 7 or 8 calls. The loneliness is killing me. Like tonight he is going home early, very soon, as a matter of fact. All I can think of is he's home with her and the kids all night, and I am all alone. I am not at the point where I want to meet another man, and I thought this would be "the man", so I feel stupid as hell.

 

Your are not alone!

 

Snug

[sadlittlegirl]

izzy: Thank you so much. Everything you said is so true, especially the feeling that the world is passing you by. That's how I feel constantly now. I know that by sitting at home (and posting long depressing posts here) I'm just wasting my life and youth but I don't know where to go from here. I hope with all my heart I can look back in a year from now and say the same as you.

 

snug: Guess we on this forum just have to try and pull each other along by our bootlaces...

 

I'm so confused now. I can see that if I continue keeping in contact with MM, I'm just stringing myself along. If he has no feelings for me at all, wouldn't care if he never saw me or spoke to me again, then I'm torturing myself needlessly. Yet there is also the possiblity that he is unhappy in his situation now and still has feelings for me, and if I broke off contact entirely I would never know how this would turn out because he's not the type of guy to revisit the past even if he regretted it. I don't know what to do.

[izzybelle]

sad,

 

the "what ifs" are killers! IF i cut all contact and dropped out of sight would he just forget about me and IF his marriage did end, i was soooo afraid that he'd have forgotten who i was. as time went on, i realized that no matter how much i had loved him, how much i thought that i'd be spending the rest of my life with him ... at least a part (a major part) of our relationship had been built on lies. he claims that he never lied, that he just wasn't as "detached" from his W as he had thought. but when it comes right down to it, the relationship was still built on non-truths. which brought up the question for me, did i really want a man in my life whose solutions to his problems at home was to look elsewhere? i don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater, but the fact that the lying came easy ...

 

after spending a lot of time beating myself up for being so stupid, i made it to the place where i could be extremely angry with him. i mentally picked apart so much of what he said to me, looking for inconsistencies, i went back through the emails, looking for things that i knew were more than likely lies. and god, that was painful. rereading so much of the emotion and love that he had declared for me, ripped my heart out. but at the same time, because i was reading them, without the rose colored glasses, i was able to begin to see a glimpse of the man beneath the facade. and the more angry i got, the easier it became to let go.

 

losing someone you love with all your heart is a grieving process much like losing someone in death. Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages "Denial (this isn't happening to me!), Anger (why is this happening to me?), Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...), Depression (I don't care anymore), Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)" the unfortunate thing i found with the type of grieving that we go through for MMs is that, with the exception of this site, many of us go through this alone. it's hard to admit to friends that we were involved with an MM, and getting understanding from them is sometimes hard. and even here, there's a lot of "well, duh, what did you think was going to happen" "you have no morals" kind of comments. reading so many of the posts here and realizing that the stories were all soooooooo similar, made me feel not so much alone. at the same time, it also fuled my anger, and ultimately gave me strength to realize that my situ wasn't unique, that i'd been caught up in the trap that so many of us fall into. the lines told to us are all so similar.

 

i have no doubt that you and all the others who are struggling with this will come out of the darkness with a new found sense of self, a somewhat jaded, but perhaps more realistic view on relationships, and a resolve to not let ourselves be fooled so easily again. what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and ultimately a better person.

 

but take a close look at what the continued contact is doing to you. if you honestly feel that it's helping you to move forward, then do what you need to do. if, you begin to feel that it just causes you to take two steps back for every one forward, you need to let go. i know, easier said than done, he may be a wonderful man, but he doesn't deserve your love.

 

izzy