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anyone's MM STINGY?


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Old 8th August 2005, 2:48 PM   #1
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anyone's MM STINGY?

Another stupid post from a very confused woman. My MM (who seems to have dumped ME) called me and showered me with compliments. We were intellectual equals and I never felt like his bimbo at any time although I am starting to wonder. From the get-go this man never so much as visited my hom with even a flower from his garden - condoms, yes - nothing more. The first time he came over it was by chance as he was stuck at the airport. The second time was planned - no little token of appreciation. I actually mentioned this to him later that week. He was surprised. My point? Even the most rogueish of men with no money/brains/IQ bring something, anything. There was never an expanation. I am furious as MM or any man looking for nunu or anything else have manners. This mans job depends on them so what's up with this? When I took him to the airport he didn't even ask if I needed money for the parking!!!!!!
Please don't think I am silly - I am really hurt.
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Old 8th August 2005, 2:58 PM   #2
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I understand what you talk about.

Once I gave my MM a yellow rose in sign of protest.
He was surprised and admitted that nobody gave him a rose before...but his mind must have been very short not to get the message!

tell that bozo u r seeing to F*** off
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Old 8th August 2005, 6:04 PM   #3
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condoms, yes - nothing more
This says pretty much all you need to know. His primary interest was not to impress you, to woo you, to show you affection, or to express gratitude. His primary interest was no-strings sex with little or no real emotional investment. Some MM do care for their OW and give them gifts and tokens of affection. It sounds like this one cared more for what he was getting from you. You are well rid of this one. Lets hope he sticks to his breakup and not come back to further mess over your life.
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Old 8th August 2005, 7:15 PM   #4
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My exMM was very stingy. The only time he really spent money on me when we went out a few times to eat.

I bought him a nice, $100+ watch at a jewlery store, bought him nice clothes. He didn't get me anything. He told me he would love to but with him and his wife being seperated half of his paycheck went to child support and alimony.
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Old 9th August 2005, 4:18 AM   #5
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I just read this post, that's awful, how he treated you. My mm was never stingy like that. Since he doesn't live with his W, he always made me dinner, took me out, gave me flowers, cards, potted my plants, gifts, I even had a key to his house, and I spent 4 to 5 nighs a week there!!! And when he came to my place he always brought wine or dinner. I guess you all can see why I would think there was nothing between him and his W. I better stop dwelling on all the positive things he did, cause with all that, I was still his "secret".

But anyway, I hope you find the strength to detach from him. He should be treating you like a princess! Any man should be treating you like a princess! Keeping posting, we are here for you.
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Old 9th August 2005, 6:49 AM   #6
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my mm was stingy, but he was really poor. it annoyed me most that he was stingy with his time.
it doesnt really make alot of difference tina, some do as manipulation, some dont because they dont want you to believe that you are anything more.
stingy or not, you are still hooked on him, and i dont think theres any point in anybody telling you why you shouldnt be, because you are. same as me, same as most women here.
the only thing that anyone can advise you on is how to not lose too much power in this. the best way to do that is to never sleep with him. be in love by all means, but do not sleep with him, condoms or no.
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Old 9th August 2005, 4:02 PM   #7
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thx again Newwby good advice

Quote:
Originally posted by newbby
my mm was stingy, but he was really poor. it annoyed me most that he was stingy with his time.
it doesnt really make alot of difference tina, some do as manipulation, some dont because they dont want you to believe that you are anything more.
stingy or not, you are still hooked on him, and i dont think theres any point in anybody telling you why you shouldnt be, because you are. same as me, same as most women here.
the only thing that anyone can advise you on is how to not lose too much power in this. the best way to do that is to never sleep with him. be in love by all means, but do not sleep with him, condoms or no.
Thanks for that. The post by Lucrezia really made me cry although I gather it was not intended to. You seem to be the voice of reason around here.
The point is I don't (oddly) find sex to be the hook - although it was amazing and for him, mind altering (he's obviously been deprived). I should, but I don't. I LIKE this man. He is my intellectual stimulation in a world that I live in (have to due to my job) that has little. I travel extensively and have my own life and he knows that. I am seeing that his wife does, as well. She is gone from him most of the time on business. If I can accept the unspoken terms being he gets sex and I get his mind and in time, his heart. I don't want what a lot of mistresses demand. Jewelery, cars, homes, money... I suppose that makes me less of a slut... maybe not.
I like his attention, his calls, and his incredible mind. One poster said I am making the guy out to be some romantic hero when he is just a f*&^head. I can't indict him until he proves that .

You say to be in love but not to sleep with him. Good advice to be sure. Sadly for me love (not yet, I really don't feel that) is not the physical part. The problem is that I want respect FROM the physical part and that is what I was complaining about. He called last night and wanted to travel here (another city) today. I said I would prefer to get on a plane and fly to see him for once so he asked about next week and I told him I was probably going to the UK (I live in the US) but not sure. He then asked about the following week. He is not wealthy by any means (even if well known) but offered to put me up in a lovely hotel. I said I'd see. I am not leading him on but I need him to know he is not my end-all. Only then can I be in control.

And maybe that is partly what this site should be about. Part about helping heal those that are hurting and part about accepting those who want this insane life and trying to maintain control. At present I am in the middle.

Thank you for telling me it is ok to be in love. If that does happen I will feel like less of a fool and not the idiot some of these posters are making me out to be.

Is there a site out there that asks MM frank questions about THEIR feelings with their OW? What the flip side is that perhaps they don't tell us. Single men talk frankly about their relationships so I presume MM do too.
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Old 9th August 2005, 5:09 PM   #8
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Sorry to hear about your situation

My Mm is definitely not stingy at all. He is free with his time, his money, and his love. The first time we made love I can remember it so vividly. I was nervous and we met somewhere and he actually brought me my favorite dessert. He has also written me so many beautiful things and he shows a lot with his heart which is what I prefer. We had lunch today and normally when we are out and about he pays for everything even though I insist on paying but he doesn't want my husband seein the paper trails and his bills and what not are sent to his job so he gets all that. I'm so sorry to hear about yours. That really sucks. It shows you how he is with his wife too pretty much. I hate men like that.
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Old 9th August 2005, 6:19 PM   #9
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You say to be in love but not to sleep with him. Good advice to be sure. Sadly for me love (not yet, I really don't feel that) is not the physical part. The problem is that I want respect FROM the physical part and that is what I was complaining about.
this is the problem for all of us. we all want respect, but under these circumstances, will never get it if we sleep with them, ever.
i dont know if you have read any of my posts, but i feel good when my xmm wants to talk to me, wants to be friends. that is because i like his company, although i find him physically attractive, i can do without that. the problem is when they just want you for the sex only and it is a delicate balancing act if you want to refuse them sex but keep their companionship, after being intimate.
when he wants to be friends, knowing that there will not be sex, then i feel happy because i feel like i am appreciated for myself and not just for my body.
this is where i am with my exmm now, and it has taken a while. i am not sure if he does want to be friends but am certain that he no longer finds me physically attractive, and he has been speaking to me for the last few days.
my advice to you tina is to feel whatever you feel and dont deny it, but to never sleep with him. if he does not want your company under these conditions then let him go. that way, you will get the respect, and if you are lucky you will get to enjoy his company.
when exmm and i ended things and did not speak, i mourned the loss of what could have been, had i not slept with him, and that is knowing each other as friends.
it is entirely up to you tina, but you have 2 choices. either you have a physical affair and accept that you will get no respect and unlikely a friendship. or have a platonic relationship where you will be able to enjoy his intellect, and you will have his respect, and one day may even be able to meet his wife, knowing that you nipped the physical in the bud.
the two things are unfortunately mutually exclusive.
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Old 9th August 2005, 6:59 PM   #10
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Angry Stingy wallet - stingy heart

I gave my ex-MM so many thoughtful gifts (some expensive, some inexpensive). I listened to him and surprised him with things that he wanted. And you know what I got for the entire 3 years we were together? A set of toy handcuffs (which to this day I think were his W's).

I am very funny about money - I am a generous person but would never take money from a man, and even feel weird about accepting drinks. I HATE feeling obligated. But when you are in a relationship (whatever kind of relationship that may be), it should be a two-way street. Sure, most men aren't as thoughtful as women but if he truly cared he would want to impress you and make you happy. The fact is, you have pointed out to him that perhaps a gift wouldn't go astray and he still hasn't budged. I'll bet my house that he's gievn his wife a few presents over the years.

The fact is honey, he just ain't that into you.

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Old 9th August 2005, 11:58 PM   #11
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each to his own

perhaps not, Sad Girl Jane, but handcuffs? Ewwww.
And at the end of the day who really knows what each and every guy and relationship is all about. We are all unique. We are not cliches as I am seeing everyone here trying to be pigeonholed in to.
I don't WANT to meet the wife. Why on this earth should I?
Newwby, I will read your posts. It is hard to navigate this site. I like the fact that you know your MM loved you and probably still does. I applaud you for being JUST friends. I doubt seriously he isn't still attracted to you. Why do you feel that way? I feel a little different about sex, though. If it is a real relationship (married, stingy, stressful, and the rest) there most certainly should include it. Of course women cannot have sex without love and men cannot have love without sex. If having a physical relationship means no respect then there are millions upon millions of devoted couples (MM/OW or other) who disrespect each other. That I can't believe. There are hookers for that and WE DARN SURE AREN'T THOSE. Ha, my MM is too stingy for one.
For sure this is new. I am learning. Yes, he talks to me. Our jobs coincide as did 40 years of our lives so that isn't a problem. I am glad I didn't meet him across a crowded room and locked eyes. And Newwby, I too can do w/out the sex. I will most certainly find out if he has or is doing this with others. I live in a small community of sorts in a very big place. If so, I will have been duped and used and will mourn. IF NOT, and that's a big IF NOT because people who know him don't seem to think so then I will give him a break but not my heart - yet.....
It's funny, I came to this site to crucify this man whom I think is out to hurt me but now I, myself, am being villified for even knowing him. See some of these posts/threads. They are MEAN.
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Old 10th August 2005, 12:39 PM   #12
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ha ha tina reed,
it was me who said meet the wife. i guess i meant if you want to keep him, as a friend for a long time rather than as an affair, and only because you said you enjoy his company, with or without sex.
i am speaking from personal experience, this is what i wanted in retrospect.
it sounds as though you have your heart set on having an affair with him.
having a physical relationship of any kind does not neccessarily = disrespect.
even having a physical mm/ow relationship doesnt. i was basing my comments on the way you reacted the first time around.
you can give him all the rules in which to manipulate you by. you may even get respect from him aswell.
please remember i am only speaking purely subjectively and from personal experience.
you are right, these relationships are not all exactly the same, however they are extremely similar.
you are new to this, and i am trying to tell you what to expect so that you can make an informed decision about what to do next.
i believe that the mm does not respect the ow, because the ow sleeps with him regardless of his status. it doesnt matter what the reasons are and whether you do deserve respect or not. i personally believe that i deserve to be respected whatever choices i made, but i do not think that whilst a physical relationship is happening that the mm respects the ow.
i dont recall saying that my mm loved me. i dont think he ever did. i only said when he speaks to me, knowing that i will not sleep with him, then i FEEL that he appreciates me for more than my body. whether its true or not i dont know.
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Old 12th August 2005, 3:31 AM   #13
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Sorry I keep misquoting you, Newwby. I read so many things here, good and bad, that I can't keep track. I AM new to this (three months met him and one relationship wise).
I think respect is a personal thing. At the end of the day it depends what one wants. I was shocked by my MM not even giving me a flower or a call the second time he stayed. But he does things that single men in my life have never done. Like call when he says he will - on time. And make plans weeks ahead of time. And wanting to know how I feel if I am upset with him and how lovely it is to hear the sound of my voice two or three times in every conversation. THIS is something I only thought deserving women hear. Not I.
I guess as I have said in another post, albeit not so politely, I am 48 (almost) and have been used and abused (emotionally) by men since I was 16. If it takes a married man to make me grow up then perhaps the twisted irony will be worth it.
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Old 12th August 2005, 9:02 AM   #14
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I think respect is a personal thing. At the end of the day it depends what one wants. I was shocked by my MM not even giving me a flower or a call the second time he stayed. But he does things that single men in my life have never done. Like call when he says he will - on time. And make plans weeks ahead of time. And wanting to know how I feel if I am upset with him and how lovely it is to hear the sound of my voice two or three times in every conversation. THIS is something I only thought deserving women hear. Not I.
I guess as I have said in another post, albeit not so politely, I am 48 (almost) and have been used and abused (emotionally) by men since I was 16. If it takes a married man to make me grow up then perhaps the twisted irony will be worth it.
i can understand that.
perhaps though you are limiting yourself, by what you believe you are worthy of. after all, it is only ever ourselves that limit us.
yesterday we talked for about 4 hours. he is offering to help me with things aswell. i do know that he no longer wants a physical relationship and he gives me advice on other men in my life. i find the friendship both rewarding and painful and also confusing.
i have no idea what he gets from it. i never discuss my feelings with him.
i know that i am not ready to not have him in my life and in some ways there is no reason why i shouldnt, however, it still keeps my fantasy alive and i am aware of that.
i remember being in the beginning tina, and i think from what you are saying that i felt quite similarly to you. i didnt think he would stay married but i wasnt sure. i thought to myself that now this has happened once, (and i was very drunk the first time it happened having GOT MYSELF DRUNK), there must be a reason for him to have come into my life. i decided to just go with it.
i can say that i am finding it very difficult to completely move on from him, and that there are some women who post here who have spent 20 years or more.
i can understand everything you are saying, and it makes sense, but i am trying to warn you against an extremely addictive situation.
i am not trying to move on because i want somebody who can commit to me or because i dont like helping him cheat or any moral reasons, i am trying to move on because its a painful relationship. whether you think you are immune or not, it still gets ya.
it is a relationship where you feel constantly insecure, one minute you are feeling high as a kite and the next crashed to the depths and then up again...and so on.
the trouble is that you become dependent on them.
you may be thinking you could be happy with 20 years or more. i too thought this tina, and no i did not expect him to leave his wife either, i did think he would at first but once i realised this would not happen, i really thought i could cope with my role. he once said to me, we could do this for years, and i was happy.
the trouble is that you are not counting on their own conflicting feelings, of course they feel guilt and want to stop things too, so they also blow hot and cold.
they pretty much keep you around until they have worked through whatever they need to. be it wanting to feel desirable and young again or wanting to feel appreciated or wanting the excitement of falling in love again, or even exploring whether they want to leave their marriage.
sometimes they too get addicted to the relationship, but most of the time they are trying to get through it all as swiftly and guilt free as possible.
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