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Old 4th February 2018, 2:56 PM   #1
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Need insight

Has anyone's ex ap contact them to tell them they have cancer? How did you handle it? What were your feelings?
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Old 4th February 2018, 9:48 PM   #2
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How long have they been your ex? Were they looking to restart the A by telling you? More detail might help you get responses that will be of more help to you, but I'll throw this out there.

My AP was diagnosed with cancer during the A and it certainly creates a new level of emotional turmoil in making decisions about the A. I've chosen to end it because he continues to choose to stay in his marriage, but his cancer makes it harder for me to walk away from him.

Someone posted in the Infidelity section (I don't remember if it was a recent or old thread) who had just been diagnosed with cancer. He hadn't told his wife with whom he had chosen to stay with and end the affair, however, his first thought was to tell his xAP because he wasn't over missing his emotional connection with her. He claimed he had no desire to divorce his wife or restart the affair, but he still felt the pull to the xAP during such an emotional time.

A cancer diagnosis amps up the emotional level for everything in someone's life, especially if it is expected to be terminal. It may make them hold on security and stability or may give them the push to make the hard decisions about what they want to do with the time they have left.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:19 AM   #3
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Thank you for responding to my question, it was very helpful. We were together about 4 years. It's been over for 3 years. I've been trying to put the affair behind me, but I still think of him often. He has never stopped contacting me over the 3 years.

I'm confused of what I'm suppose to do. I tried to contact him once since he told me, but he didn't respond. Do I just sit back and wait for if or when he may need me or do I keep trying to contact him. I don't want him thinking I don't care, because I do very much.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:04 AM   #4
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If u can control emotion and care for him as a friend, then why not?

but if make things more complicated, it will become emotional burden for both of u.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:20 PM   #5
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I think the ball is in his court since you responded to him. He knows you are at least willing to have contact. My guess is he knows you care and will be there if he reaches out. Think back over your communication with each other. If you feel he could reasonably have any doubt about that then you could reach out once more and, with as few words as possible, make it clear you do care. And then leave it there until he contacts you again. He probably has a lot to think through and come to terms with, so giving him space is a good thing.

But of course, number one, is to make sure you take care of yourself. Don't get involved again unless you're sure you can handle it. If he's married then he isn't facing this alone and you don't need to feel any guilt over maintaining distance.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:44 PM   #6
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Yes... I dated a woman for about 6 months and about 6 months after a mutual breakup she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. As a side note, she was a 2 pack a day smoker.

I tried to be a friend and take her to lunch, etc. At some point, her appearance went downhill from the Chemo and Radiation and she didn't want to go out in public. Basically, we e-mailed back and forth all day long, 10-20 e-mails a day. I was doing IT for the company I was working for (in addition to my other duties), so they had no idea what I was typing and it made me look very busy. She wrote all about her life and shared various experiences and adventures. She hated TV, so she would lay in bed with her laptop and type and type and type. I got to know her on a very deep level from her e-mails.

The doctor told her she had about two years and he was correct. I can only hope she enjoyed corresponding with me and I hope I helped her in some way, so she didn't feel alone.

This is my experience. I don't know if it will help in your situation...
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:38 PM   #7
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Thank you all for your replies. You all have been very helpful. I think it's a good idea to give him his space and be here if he needs me. I'll keep it as that. Thank you.
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