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Update; MM left and went back twice...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th February 2018, 6:59 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatcomesnext View Post
Thanks. Iím with you all the way. The narcissist stuff is so on point, yet I still find it hard to believe itís true about him. Childhood issues come in because instead of disliking him for discarding me and deciding heís not worthy of me, I start believing his assessment of me as having no value (or not enough value to keep me in his life), essentially giving him the power to determine my worth. ďIf he only comes back, then Iíll feel worth something again.Ē Even as I write it I know how wrong and screwed up it is, but the feelings are hard to keep at bay. At heart Iím hurt by the loss of someone who was significant to me, but also feel like I hurt other people for something that I believed in when it wasnít even true. I justified it in some way as being about love conquering all and this kind of love being more powerful than anything else. So to have him walk away like that also makes it difficult to find meaning and purpose in the decision I made to invest in a relationship that was bound to result in pain to others. I hope we all get through this and heal in time.
This is like talking to myself. I'm sure you know already but one of the things that I've read is that when you suffer abandonment as a child you basically become unavailable. You end up in situations where you will be abandoned, because that is what you believe love to be. But at the same time you want to fix the old pain by getting the person who abandons you to love you enough NOT to walk away. It's messed up right? I know healthy people define their worth based on their own beliefs about themselves. I just don't know how that would work or feel.

And yes, I feel the same way. Justifying it all because it was love and that made it worth the hurt I was causing. In hindsight thought if I'd really stopped and thought about it back then I would have known how selfish I was being. It's hard though when you have someone telling you how much they love you, how their marriage is over (she knows it too, we haven't been happy in years..), how they want to be with you and it's the right thing. You believe that, because why would they lie? My moral compass was so messed up the last few years. I don't want to be that person anymore. It's not me.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:07 PM   #47
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Also just on the narcissist stuff. I find it hard to believe about my MM too. But honestly, it's the only thing that makes sense of his behaviour. Also once, towards the end, I made him do a narcissism test and his score was incredibly high. I know it's not the most reliable thing, but when I start feeling as if he's just poor old MM who was just so in love and confused etc etc I try and remember that. But if he hadn't taken that test I would swear blind he wasn't, even though his behaviour fits the pattern. I suppose love really does make us blind.

I guess the point is, I wouldn't have believed it of my MM without the test to back it up. So who knows about yours. Maybe he isn't a full blown narcissist. But everyone has narcissistic tendencies without being a narcissist...maybe your MM has just acted in that way sometimes (cutting you off etc) and so maybe you can try to use that as a way of understanding what happened to get the closure you need.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:10 PM   #48
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Nevermind.....
__________________
You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 8th February 2018 at 12:34 AM..
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Old 14th February 2018, 6:48 PM   #49
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Annoyingly had a bit of a clear out at work and found a valentines from ex MM from last year, in which he wrote 'I love you so much'. What're the chances of that happening today of all days. Surprisingly it hasn't bothered me too much. But just a bit frustrating coming up to 8 weeks of NC.

Had my first counselling session yesterday, which was an hour of her asking me about everything in my life...next session is to plan a way forward in terms of the type of therapy etc.
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