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Update; MM left and went back twice...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 24th January 2018, 4:29 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by BuddyX View Post
What will you do in 6 months, when he reaches out? Because you know he will. Think about it; young baby, wife hormonal, no intimacy, he’ll look for a FWB.
I honestly didn't think he would. But now you've put it like that, you might be right. I guess what will he have to lose? He knows his wife will stay, even more so now he has two kids, and based on past experience he thinks I'll just be there for him. He thinks we both believe what he tells us.

I guess actively job hunting is the biggest thing, trying to get some space from him and the situation. Also limiting the ways he can contact me (blocking him on social media, his number etc).

Part of the argument we had I had threatened to send his messages to his wife, and I think that has scared him.

The biggest change though is in my mindset. I don't want to be around him, I don't want to talk to him. I'm not sat here pining after him. Weirdly I'm just living my life and I'm happier than I've been in the the almost two years of this crap.. I haven't thought about messaging him in weeks. It would be easy for me to have found out where he was, how long he'd be off etc a month ago. I didn't bother. I found out yesterday completely by chance (somebody mentioned it in a convo) and I was fine, just a little sad.
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Old 24th January 2018, 4:40 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue1980 View Post
What a terrible experience. I can feel your back and forth and your pain.

The thing is that you can spend the rest of your life in therapy talking about why you do this, etc etc. And that has merit, many of my friends have therapist. I have on and off.

But what counts now is action. You can analyze yourself later. Don't think, just do. You've been given a gift here. Take it. Are you single, no kids? Leave this job. Move. I'd tell you to change your number and email but these days that is tough, we can be found too easily. You need distance. 100% this guy will be back and men that cheat on their pregnant wives are a special kind of guy, only surpassed by men that cheat on their sick wives.

I understand that you are in too deep to understand the type of guy this is so just focus on your own survival. It's you or him now. He will take you under and he won't care.

I don't talk about this much as it's long ago and not why I'm here but maybe 15 years ago I met a guy at work, he was separating and he did, quickly, for a while he moved near me in the city. But over time he was back and forth, could not get divorced, lied about it, it was terrible. I lost 3 years. I was very thin, it was tragic.

Tragic gets old. One day I just quit my job and moved. I did not give him my address, though he knew I was moving. I said, file for divorce or never contact me again. He blamed me for not waiting longer. But here is the funny thing. I moved on 12/30 and I tell you, I thought my world was over. But come March, I started dating again, come spring, I felt better. New. And then I met my now husband.

And the really funny part - shortly after that I ran into him! And I felt nothing. No anger, no love. I was just hey, how are you? Bizarre right?

You would be shocked how fast these feelings go away. I need to add that I also traveled. That helps. My job sent me to CA for a month. You need new. New new new.

How do I know your guy will be back? Because this guy sent me a Linked In request and a text message a few months ago after 12 years about songs on the radio and thinking of me. I did not respond.

These guys....they look for the easy mark. They do not go away unless you show zero interest. You need to save yourself because honey, no one else will.
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds very similar. Both leaving quickly, both going back and forth. It's s horrible situation to allow ourselves in. I'm glad you moved on all those years ago, I'm hoping that moving jobs will be such a big step forwards.

It's funny what you say about these feelings going away quickly. To be honest since I found out about the baby my feelings have been changing towards him. Him touching me would repulse me, or I'd hear his lies and think 'yeah, yeah'. But since he ghosted me it's like a switch has been flipped, right now I just have zero interest in him. Previously I would have been messsging, trying to understand how and why he had disappeared. Now, I don't care. He can do what he needs to, and I'll do what I need to. Which doesn't include wasting time on him. I could have reached out, but I haven't, as I have zero interest at the moment.

Weirdly although things with him triggered seeking therapy, I mainly want to use it to get some closure regarding my dad. I hope it won't be focussed on him, as that will be such a waste. It's hard to explain but I see MM as a symptom of my other issues at the moment...rather than the lost love of my life.

I hope you're wrong and he doesn't reach out. I strong suspect you're right though, and he will. I can't say what I would do, but I have every intention not to get involved in all of this again.
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Old 24th January 2018, 4:53 AM   #18
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I just finished reading through my old thread...and I was saying a lot of things then that I am saying now. You all told me to walk away, I said I felt like it was done, he wouldn't be in touch, I'd deleted his number etc etc...and then he started acting normally and I was back in the A.

Things do feel different in my mind now, I don't love him, I don't feel like I've lost the man I love...I just feel like I've had a lucky escape. But there is every chance if he contacts me I'll reply and then, clearly, that's a slippery slope.

Something has to change this time, I'm just not sure what I can do beyond what I'm doing
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Old 24th January 2018, 5:13 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Rebelnoir View Post
Yes you're right, this situation was like pretty much every other affair, and I was no different to every other OW.


I'm actively trying to find a new job in the hope that I will be gone before he comes back. I have blocked him from being able to contact me and I don't have his numbers any more. I honestly want this to be the end.
That's a smart move. Good luck with the jobhunting.
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Old 24th January 2018, 12:02 PM   #20
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Finding a new job is key. I would make that your number 1 priority and if for some reason you haven't found one (and he actually returns) you need to quit and figure out things.

Here is the thing, first and foremost, this guy is a compulsive liar. Newest evidence, the moment the wife had an upset stomach, the first test would have been a pregnancy test-- there weren't tons of doctors visits etc to figure this out. Remember he was a cheater before you too. This guy. UGH

If your best friend or sister were telling you this story, what would you say. HOLY HELL RUN. You must do this now.

go start your life anew. Move on. Let go. Be brave. He may be back, you should be gone (and by back, I don't mean to make you an honest woman, just to use you)
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Old 24th January 2018, 1:16 PM   #21
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Finding a new job is key. I would make that your number 1 priority and if for some reason you haven't found one (and he actually returns) you need to quit and figure out things.

Here is the thing, first and foremost, this guy is a compulsive liar. Newest evidence, the moment the wife had an upset stomach, the first test would have been a pregnancy test-- there weren't tons of doctors visits etc to figure this out. Remember he was a cheater before you too. This guy. UGH

If your best friend or sister were telling you this story, what would you say. HOLY HELL RUN. You must do this now.

go start your life anew. Move on. Let go. Be brave. He may be back, you should be gone (and by back, I don't mean to make you an honest woman, just to use you)
I've just submitted another application as we speak. Finger's crossed it happens. Until recently I was hesitant to leave work as I knew it meant we wouldn't see each other. Now it can't happen fast enough.

You're 100% right about the tests a month or so before he told me she was pregnant he'd been stressed as she hadn't been well and had been in hospital overnight 'having tests'. I honestly can't imagine a pregnancy wouldn't be picked up during that time. I remember now what he said when I questioned it...they didn't test for pregnancy as they thought there was no way she would be pregnant. Pretty sure that's not how hospital tests work!

He is a liar. And like everyone on here says over and over again, if he's lying to his wife he is obviously lying to the OW. I just can't comprehend how I didn't see it (didn't want to see it, is probably why).

I'm grateful for the next few months I have without him around so I can make some big changes.
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Old 24th January 2018, 1:21 PM   #22
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I honestly didn't think he would. But now you've put it like that, you might be right. I guess what will he have to lose? He knows his wife will stay, even more so now he has two kids, and based on past experience he thinks I'll just be there for him. He thinks we both believe what he tells us.

I guess actively job hunting is the biggest thing, trying to get some space from him and the situation. Also limiting the ways he can contact me (blocking him on social media, his number etc).

Part of the argument we had I had threatened to send his messages to his wife, and I think that has scared him.

The biggest change though is in my mindset. I don't want to be around him, I don't want to talk to him. I'm not sat here pining after him. Weirdly I'm just living my life and I'm happier than I've been in the the almost two years of this crap.. I haven't thought about messaging him in weeks. It would be easy for me to have found out where he was, how long he'd be off etc a month ago. I didn't bother. I found out yesterday completely by chance (somebody mentioned it in a convo) and I was fine, just a little sad.
Not to discourage you, but I think you should be more concerned with how you will react when he contacts you again, which he will.
Not only does he know his wife will stay, he thinks you'll take just about anything from him and he is certain he can get you back on the game when he feels like it.
I wet back to read your original threads and- I say this very kindly- I don't trust you with this guy,darling. On the previous thread you agreed with what everyone said and were all yeah, NC, no more taking **** from this guy. Yet here you are, after you let him drag you on for months on end, while getting his wife pregnant (by accident and against his will, no doubt) and eventually ghosting you and ignoring your attempt to reach out.
I believe that you want out, but I think you are being a bit naive about how determined you are and you expect rejecting him will be easy.
I want to encourage you to be very prepared for the day he contacts you. You must have a plan in place.
Best option is to change jobs, block him everywhere and know that this is a battle you have not yet won. Good luck.
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Old 24th January 2018, 1:36 PM   #23
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It sounds like you have come to some important realizations.

You have realize that he has been showing you his true colours all along. His wife is likley juts your average woman, just like you. He is willing to go behind her back and hurt her, put both her and his children at risk and worse, he accepts zero responsibility for any of his actions.

In spite of his words he doesn't see you any differently, and you deserve someone who sees you as special. Spend some time on yourself now. Learn more about yourself, what you want and what makes you happy.
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Old 24th January 2018, 2:01 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Rebelnoir View Post

He is a liar. And like everyone on here says over and over again, if he's lying to his wife he is obviously lying to the OW. I just can't comprehend how I didn't see it (didn't want to see it, is probably why).

I'm grateful for the next few months I have without him around so I can make some big changes.
A word of advice: Put this on a list, preferably with detailed examples of all the "yummy nastyness", that he has done, so you can it read again and again when your vision gets foggy, dewy and rose coloured. Get scientific if you will.

Well, it works for me. The list serves to set your head straight and bring you back to reality during those critical and very emotional times, when you miss him.
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Old 24th January 2018, 10:49 PM   #25
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Ugh. I truly hope you don't think of yourself as some victim here Rebelnoir. I mean, let's look at the facts. It's bad enough to be involved w another woman's husband. You CHOSE TO get involved w a man w a toddler and now a newborn. You need to realize that nobody made you do this, you were the one who DECIDED to get into this.

I hope this wakes you up.
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:12 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by imsosad View Post
Not to discourage you, but I think you should be more concerned with how you will react when he contacts you again, which he will.
Not only does he know his wife will stay, he thinks you'll take just about anything from him and he is certain he can get you back on the game when he feels like it.
I wet back to read your original threads and- I say this very kindly- I don't trust you with this guy,darling. On the previous thread you agreed with what everyone said and were all yeah, NC, no more taking **** from this guy. Yet here you are, after you let him drag you on for months on end, while getting his wife pregnant (by accident and against his will, no doubt) and eventually ghosting you and ignoring your attempt to reach out.
I believe that you want out, but I think you are being a bit naive about how determined you are and you expect rejecting him will be easy.
I want to encourage you to be very prepared for the day he contacts you. You must have a plan in place.
Best option is to change jobs, block him everywhere and know that this is a battle you have not yet won. Good luck.
Yes I had a similar realisation when I read through my own posts. I think the difference then was that I was very much in love with him and I badly wanted it to work. The insight I got on here was useful as it opened my eyes to looking at the situation in a different way. Now, I hope, I'm in a different place. You're right though I do need to be prepared because he knows how to say the right things and I clearly don't have a good track record of being firm with him. Thank you
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:14 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
It sounds like you have come to some important realizations.

You have realize that he has been showing you his true colours all along. His wife is likley juts your average woman, just like you. He is willing to go behind her back and hurt her, put both her and his children at risk and worse, he accepts zero responsibility for any of his actions.

In spite of his words he doesn't see you any differently, and you deserve someone who sees you as special. Spend some time on yourself now. Learn more about yourself, what you want and what makes you happy.
Thank you, I am trying to focus on myself. I think the biggest part of getting over this is accepting that who he is is different to the person he pretended to be...including the love he says he had for me
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:21 AM   #28
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Ugh. I truly hope you don't think of yourself as some victim here Rebelnoir. I mean, let's look at the facts. It's bad enough to be involved w another woman's husband. You CHOSE TO get involved w a man w a toddler and now a newborn. You need to realize that nobody made you do this, you were the one who DECIDED to get into this.

I hope this wakes you up.
I don't think of myself as a victim. This whole situation is a mess, and my unquestionably poor (and selfish) decisions helped create that, alongside those of MM. The only victims here are his wife and child.

I did decide to get into this, and the decisions I made were based on my trust in somebody who I shouldn't have trusted and my disregard for the consequences.

All I'm trying to do now is find a way to get out of the mess that I've created and find a way forward. That hasn't been easy as MM has, until recently, been an active part of the situation.

Thank you for pointing it out though, everytime MM came sniffing around I could have said no. I didn't, and that was a choice I made. It's very easy in any kind of situation to just react, and here I was reacting based on my 'love for this man'. Looking at it the way you said makes it clearer. So I need to make different choices if I want things to change.
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Old 25th January 2018, 12:08 PM   #29
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I don't think of myself as a victim. This whole situation is a mess, and my unquestionably poor (and selfish) decisions helped create that, alongside those of MM. The only victims here are his wife and child.

I did decide to get into this, and the decisions I made were based on my trust in somebody who I shouldn't have trusted and my disregard for the consequences.

All I'm trying to do now is find a way to get out of the mess that I've created and find a way forward. That hasn't been easy as MM has, until recently, been an active part of the situation.

Thank you for pointing it out though, everytime MM came sniffing around I could have said no. I didn't, and that was a choice I made. It's very easy in any kind of situation to just react, and here I was reacting based on my 'love for this man'. Looking at it the way you said makes it clearer. So I need to make different choices if I want things to change.
I'm very glad that you take responsibility for your actions. That takes wisdom and courage. It seems like you have learned from your mistakes.
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Old 29th January 2018, 12:53 PM   #30
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I'm very glad that you take responsibility for your actions. That takes wisdom and courage. It seems like you have learned from your mistakes.
Thank you. I hope I have and that if he comes sniffing around again I am able to tell him where to go
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