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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 26th December 2017, 2:29 PM   #1
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Brief story - @ 3 months ago I was contacted by an ex on fb. Things quickly progressed to sexting. Both of us are married. I was in severe infatuation mode. On top of the world, couldn't wait to talk to him every day, etc.

I was so confused having never had these feelings during my married life. I googled everything and ended up here. Lo and behold - my story was exactly like so many others. WTF! It turned out I wasn't special?! He wasn't really that into me?! I didn't want to leave my husband, but REALLY wanted to have sex with him, and often. Once he realized he had his hooks in me and I went from not ever going to cheat, to I wish we could have a few hours alone -- he started cooling off. Where did the "I miss you" texts go? The heart emojis? Was it all really a lie? It didn't feel like a lie. It wasn't a lie on my end.

I only had one opportunity to sleep with him, but didn't. Wow did he get scarce after that. I initially kept pushing and trying to get another chance with him (yes I am stupid), but the more I tried the further away he got. Those daily talks - GONE. He stopped talking to me for 24 hours, then 48 hours, then even longer until I would break the silence.

I still deeply desire him. However -- after reading so many stories, I did a serious FB stalking. Turns out he is 'friends' with many exes. So not only being married (unhappily, whatever that means), all those times he has been online he is clearly talking to other women he is chasing, or old ones he is rekindling, or whatever. It hurts to know I am probably just one of many.

So -- I unfriended him today. I did try to send a message, but no longer being friends, I think it won't be delivered.

I decided that I had to cut this off now before it gets so much worse like I have read it does for others. My H would be devastated if he knew 1/10 of the conversations I have had with this MM.

I have tried to write this in a factual manner but am bawling my head off. I miss him already and this sucks.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:57 PM   #2
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Hi lhgirl, yes, please learn from these posts. The longer something continues the harder it is to get out. While the facts vary from story to story, the basics are stunningly similar.

After cutting contact with him (good for you!) the next priority I think should be to figure out why you were open to the contact, what is missing in your marriage that made that possible, and concentrate on trying to fix that. Something allowed that to happen, and if not dealt with immediately it will only continue to grow. There was a point in my marriage where it probably could have been saved but both of us ignored the red flags until it was just too late to do anything about it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 3:01 PM   #3
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Yes. Some of us have been in similar situations with FB and infatuation. It's good you.didnt follow through with it and it's good you didn't actually physically cheat on your H and in you r marriage.

It.could be this ex of your gets off on sexting with women but doesn't follow through with it either.

Good luck. Stop bawling your eyes out. It's infatuation. You may want to dig down deep and try to understand why you were receptive to this infatuation in the first place.
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Old 26th December 2017, 3:14 PM   #4
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For now, yours is one of the rare "success" stories amongst the millions.
I am calling it a success story because, you had the sense to pull the plug early enough before it got any worse. You also have the mental clarity to see that he is a player and that nothing good will come out of it.

It may not be much of a comfort for you to hear, but whatever pain and sense of loss you are feeling are not even one-billionth of what it could be, had you allowed the affair to continue any farther.

No-one can make you experience the horror that you saved yourself from. So, give yourself the credit and please DO recognize strength in you to walk away from it all before it's too late.

NO matter what he does or says, under no circumstance allow yourself to get sucked back in should he make any contact.
That's where we all have failed--responding to that one small message when they come back and woo us back--that's all it takes to destroy it all and get back into the affair with full force.

Best wishes.
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Old 26th December 2017, 3:52 PM   #5
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The backstory

Thank you for reading my post.

I've been with H 15 years. I married the one who worshiped me but he knew I didn't feel the same in return. No butterflies, just solid safe and dependable love.

I have probably been vulnerable to someone like this for a long time. When this started 3 months ago - in came a rush of feelings I was not prepared for. I had been so numb for so long. Excitement, joy, laughter, anticipation, libido (who knew I still wanted to have sex??). So many emotions. All I wanted was to have my cake and eat it too! But when the fade away started, the pain started. I went from generally happy to moody, depending on contact amount and frustration level. Once the idea of hot sex re-entered my life, it was VERY difficult to slow down that train (and I didn't want to, if I'm being honest).

But, I knew all along it was going to end. Somehow, someway. I didn't want it to be a d-day for obvious reasons. It had to stop though, seeing him online, knowing he wasn't talking to me and I was being ignored felt so personal and hurtful. I just couldn't take it anymore.

This weekend, the breadcrumbs were so few and far between - it got me soul searching. What if I HAD slept with him? Would he be acting any differently? If not -- how would I feel?

If the opportunity presented itself to sleep with him again, and I acted on it, how would I feel afterwards when the fade to black happened? What would I have risked my marriage for?

Nothing I could ever be proud of was my answer. Oh my how I miss emotional numbness!!!!! Knowing it will take days for him to realize I unfriended him is not helping. (who doesn't want to be missed right away??) Sigh.

Last edited by lhgirl; 26th December 2017 at 4:03 PM.. Reason: Add text.
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Old 26th December 2017, 4:23 PM   #6
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It's a good thing that he has given you the taste of pain and jealousy by looking at other women at the same time.

For most of us OW, the main reason we sink so low and so quickly is because the MMs drown us with instant attention and "affection" making us feel like we are "the special one" in their lives. Then when they pull away, it's impossible to make sense of why we were dropped.

In your case, he is playing multiple women at the same time. So, fortunately, you never had to experience that emotion of being "the special one" in his life. You were and are one of the many.

While this is a humiliation, it's also a gift that should allow you to detach from him with more ease.

You are going to be in pain for a while. Accept it. Don't fight it; don't try to escape from it. Allow it to happen. You have to let this cut bleed long enough before the wound closes.

Force yourself to do as many healthy things as you can do right now: physically active things, spending time with people that make you happy--FAKE it till you make it. Come and post on this site. Try to connect to the people here who are going through similar struggle. Point is: do whatever to get through this phase without falling prey to him again.
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Old 26th December 2017, 4:38 PM   #7
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It shouldn't come as a surprise that you're attracted to other people even though you're married. But if you've made a commitment it's your duty to avoid temptation. Still, you've already cheated on your husband with this guy whether you slept with him or not.

I can't understand how people can do this to their committed partners! Don't you realize how lucky you are to have that? I can't imagine the love is reciprocal when people do this. Any type of lying and deceit is not love.
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Old 26th December 2017, 8:05 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by lhgirl View Post
If the opportunity presented itself to sleep with him again, and I acted on it, how would I feel afterwards when the fade to black happened? What would I have risked my marriage for?
Based on your post and your seeming intense feelings -- I think if you had actually slept with this guy and he ignored you afterwards, you would be feeling cheap, low, guilty and a whole lot worse then what you are feeling like now. Guys who sleep around are able to turn feelings off with a flip of a switch and not give 2 hoots about feelings. People like you, probably not so easy.
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:03 PM   #9
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Thank you for reading my post.

I've been with H 15 years. I married the one who worshiped me but he knew I didn't feel the same in return. No butterflies, just solid safe and dependable love.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in a situation like that. My back story is the first part of the movie "The Notebook". I've been married to the "Martha Shaw" character for 15 years but have desperately been pining for someone like the "Ally" I had in high school the whole time.

Anyone wondering how someone in a committed relationship can fall into an EA with someone else, try going 15 years without true love after experiencing what that really, truly is like.
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:11 PM   #10
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friends...

1352 fb friends - why would he notice I unfriended him? Apparently he hasn't. Ego seriously bruised but at least I haven't cried yet today. I used to be so level headed (Lh girl)....sigh.....I have to get back to my emotional roots. On to 2018 and leaving this crazy, neurotic, whiny bitch that I have become in the dust.

Last edited by lhgirl; 27th December 2017 at 12:15 PM.. Reason: add text
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:34 PM   #11
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I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in a situation like that. My back story is the first part of the movie "The Notebook". I've been married to the "Martha Shaw" character for 15 years but have desperately been pining for someone like the "Ally" I had in high school the whole time.

Anyone wondering how someone in a committed relationship can fall into an EA with someone else, try going 15 years without true love after experiencing what that really, truly is like.
Ah.. true love... We all want the thing we can't have.

I might be in a similar situation or maybe not . I don't know if I married my true love. She was never the type.of.person in my mind / fantasy life I envisioned as a true love. I always wanted a type of woman that never gave me the time of day. But.i didn't hold out for a type like her. In married the one that I seemed to be compatible with at the time and had chemistry with.

I got a friend who claims you don't marry your true love.. you become the true love.in marriage. I don't know if that true or not

Just his theory. But quite frankly he's a bit of a romantic contradiction of a personality.
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:38 PM   #12
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Make 2018 the year to fix yourself and make decisions that will better your life.

You say that you've never really felt that in love feeling with your husband. Are you truly happy with your marriage and life with him? Or deep down do you feel like you've settled? Decide if this is the life you want or if it might be best to divorce and find a man that the deep in love feeling goes both ways.

You could be prone to future affairs, getting addicted to the crush like feelings for someone else down the road.
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:03 PM   #13
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Ihgirl, right now you are agonizing on him not noticing. Its good that he isn't, you are weak right now. As soon as he does he will come sniffing around. You want that time to shore yourself up.

World, this isn't a book and you are not a character trapped in a writers verse. And it isn't real love. Its hormones and poor boundaries. It wouldn't last a month with real world stressors.


As are a fantasy. The APs seem perfect because they aren't real. We rewrite and fill in blanks to make their actions and choices fit into our narrative. We imagine this great and tragic love affair. They aren't. The reason they are so hard to get out of is because no normal human can live up to the fantasy we built.


Ihgirl, force yourself to stop worrying about the AP. You said you want sex....Work on your H. Do some fantasy there. You may realize that you have a gem there. If not, end the marriage.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:09 AM   #14
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I donít think I was passionately in love with my H when we married. We had been together for a while then and I loved him a great deal and didnít want to be without him. But passion? Probably not. But after 25 years I love him and admire him more than ever and I can say for sure he is my true love, the love of my life. I am sure there are men out there who could make me weak at the knees, who could make me feel like I would die without them, who could hold my heart in the palm of their hand but I donít think I like the sound of that much. I donít need some romantic hero for validation or joy. I do that for myself. I make my life joyful and fulfilled. I have a husband for love, sex, companionship and friendship. If he doesnít give you that or actively makes you unhappy then leave.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:31 AM   #15
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I donít think I was passionately in love with my H when we married. We had been together for a while then and I loved him a great deal and didnít want to be without him. But passion? Probably not. But after 25 years I love him and admire him more than ever and I can say for sure he is my true love, the love of my life. I am sure there are men out there who could make me weak at the knees, who could make me feel like I would die without them, who could hold my heart in the palm of their hand but I donít think I like the sound of that much. I donít need some romantic hero for validation or joy. I do that for myself. I make my life joyful and fulfilled. I have a husband for love, sex, companionship and friendship. If he doesnít give you that or actively makes you unhappy then leave.
You missed out. Imagine a cross between Romeo & Juliet, The Notebook, and the video for "Take on Me". I was lucky enough to experience exactly that as a young man before her family moved out of state and we never saw each other again.

I've been heartbroken for 20 years and would give away my current unhappy marriage in a second just to have one more moment with that girl.

I apologize for hijacking this thread. I'll show myself out.
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