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xOW - an update I guess


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 23rd December 2017, 3:25 PM   #46
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I have posted a similar reply in another thread,but I think it applies to you too.

This man's wife is likley not a bad person. She is probably just your average woman, doing what she can to get by and be happy in her life.

More than likley, she has done nothing to deserve how he is treating her, yet every day, he is lying to her, even if just by omission. This has gone on and on, and he seems to be fine with that. How can someone do that? How can he look her in the face, day in and day out, and know what he's doing?

Even if he doesn't love her, how can any honest person keep that up? Could you?

Really, this isn't about you or ow much you love him. He's got you on that hamster wheel, and no matter how great you are, you will always be running in circles.

Aren't you tired? Isn't it about time to give yourself a gift and get off?
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Old 23rd December 2017, 3:29 PM   #47
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Serendipity, the more you add backstory, the more I, too, am leaning toward this man being evil. He preyed on you.

Now, he really has to go.

Perhaps you can imagine him speaking with you with his confused face on, but having a sly devil face when you turn your back, as if to say "Look what I keep getting away with" and then going home and having the best marriage in the world with his wife while he knows that you are languishing without him.

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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:00 PM   #48
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I have watched the affair and it is fascinating. What struck me most and changed the way I think about relationships...

Because the story is told from his, and then her point of view... It is quite striking how two people can quite literally have the same experience, and yet "experience" it very, very differently. And then, the stories that they spin and the way they remember the event, can be entirely different.

For example, she has a lovely memory of the two of them meeting in a crowded restaurant, then they come together again and again - almost as if it is "meant to be" until the inevitable happens... While, he remembers meeting her, thinking that she was hot, and that she came onto him and initiated sex on the beach.

More often than not, her memories are very emotional, very affectionate and loving... While his memories are often very sexual, not emotional, and he tends to paint himself as "the good guy who is trying to deal the best he can with a hurt and angry exwife, unhappy kids, and a demanding lover." In other words, he often sees himself as the "wounded party" and he does not accept responsibility for his actions as the cause of all this "drama..."

It's drama and it's very stereotypical in many ways... But, perhaps there is an element of truth in the story...
I share your view on the show.
They kind of take it to extremes, but basically this affair is about an emotionally lost woman in a marriage that can not contain their shared tragedy and a selfish man, whose marriage is pretty much alright.
Lots of drama, but at the core we've seen this on LS over and over again-unhappiness meets selfishness and boom.
I do like the fact that they didn't go for the happily ever after. They show that an affair turned relationship is super tricky and that post former APs are still very much attached to their exed. No black and white, everyone is kind of annoying...
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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:02 PM   #49
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The problem here, is that there is a woman overboard, she is shouting "Help! Help! Help!" and we have rushed to the rescue, we have thrown in bits of wood for her to cling to, we have thrown in a lifebelt, we have mobilised the life boats, we have the helicopter circling overhead, but she seems strangely preoccupied and is merely treading water, unwilling to help herself and thus be saved and taken to dry land.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:36 PM   #50
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Lots of drama, but at the core we've seen this on LS over and over again-unhappiness meets selfishness and boom.
That's really it in a nutshell isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if these guys have some kind of "vulnerable woman" radar. I remember mine asked me once why I didn't have a "spark". I wasn't sure what he was talking about but I found it kind of insulting. Later Blues said something along the same lines here that stuck with me - that he and men like him could zero in on a good target in a room filled with people, because women like us don't "glow".

I guess when a woman is happy and in a good relationship there is a spark or glow about her that lets men know she's unavailable. My theory anyway. Not being a man, I don't really understand.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:59 PM   #51
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That's really it in a nutshell isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if these guys have some kind of "vulnerable woman" radar. I remember mine asked me once why I didn't have a "spark". I wasn't sure what he was talking about but I found it kind of insulting. Later Blues said something along the same lines here that stuck with me - that he and men like him could zero in on a good target in a room filled with people, because women like us don't "glow".

I guess when a woman is happy and in a good relationship there is a spark or glow about her that lets men know she's unavailable. My theory anyway. Not being a man, I don't really understand.
UNfortunately, Jah, not everyone has the very good fortune of glowing with well being from a happy relationship as you were told.

It's also unfortunate that somebody doesn't inform us that we make prime targets for some men.

I had just lost my husband of many years to Alzheimers. I had been his carer for 10 years prior to that. It almost defeated me and it must have been very visible.

Hind sight is a wonderful tool.... if only it were foresight, Jah.

Season's Wishes,

Poppy.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 5:03 PM   #52
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UNfortunately, Jah, not everyone has the very good fortune of glowing with well being from a happy relationship as you were told.

It's also unfortunate that somebody doesn't inform us that we make prime targets for some men.

I had just lost my husband of many years to Alzheimers. I had been his carer for 10 years prior to that. It almost defeated me and it must have been very visible.

Hind sight is a wonderful tool.... if only it were foresight, Jah.

Season's Wishes,

Poppy.
I'm sorry Poppy.

I feel like it's the same for Serendipity. With the death of her husband, she was vulnerable and he recognized that and took advantage.

I remember how empty and lost I felt after my mother's illness and death... It's so easy to lose yourself and lose your joy, your hope for the future, your belief in all that is good and right after you've suffered a great tragedy.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 5:16 PM   #53
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UNfortunately, Jah, not everyone has the very good fortune of glowing with well being from a happy relationship as you were told.

It's also unfortunate that somebody doesn't inform us that we make prime targets for some men.

I had just lost my husband of many years to Alzheimers. I had been his carer for 10 years prior to that. It almost defeated me and it must have been very visible.

Hind sight is a wonderful tool.... if only it were foresight, Jah.

Season's Wishes,

Poppy.
It's no magic trick, it's about boundaries. A guy will do something that should gain him an F off response, instead he get met with acceptance so he push again and again until you're in his bed.

Stand up married men never make those attempts so other women and married other women get stuck with scumbag MM who are looking for something outside of the marriage.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 5:22 PM   #54
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You're on a merry go round and refuse to get off.

Maybe one day you'll wake up and figure out how much of your life you wasted on this but it is your life.

No one will care much except you in the end.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 5:55 PM   #55
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UNfortunately, Jah, not everyone has the very good fortune of glowing with well being from a happy relationship as you were told.

It's also unfortunate that somebody doesn't inform us that we make prime targets for some men.

I had just lost my husband of many years to Alzheimers. I had been his carer for 10 years prior to that. It almost defeated me and it must have been very visible.

Hind sight is a wonderful tool.... if only it were foresight, Jah.

Season's Wishes,

Poppy.
Yes, my mom was dying from cancer when I got involved with MM. His wife was pregnant and refusing him sex. I think he saw an opportunity and exploited it.

It makes me sad now that someone could be that heartless.

I guess we are a bit wiser now. I'm making a conscious effort these days to remove toxic people from my life and be around those that have my best interests at heart.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, and better times ahead...
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Old 23rd December 2017, 6:14 PM   #56
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The problem is that you believe every bit of nonsense he says.

He's not a good man. Not by a long shot. He's telling you he'd be able to have a better marriage without you around...that you prevent his connection with his wife and that he refuses sex with her because of you.

I'm just wondering what goes through your mind when he says this? Especially the last point.

Assuming it's true.. imagine recently having a baby...hormones all over the place..... possibly still trying to lose the pregnancy weight and your husband knocks you back.... doing that when she may well be feeling insecure....and unattractive... what kind of man does that?

People like him have no business getting married.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:53 PM   #57
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Serendipity,

Please.... if you can OPEN your eyes. You seem to be kind of innocent and he is very cunning. It is not going to end good on your side ( he hasnt got mercy), he will bleed every drop of you dry if you let him. You have a child, dont be foolish and get off the wagon to never look back. I really dont know what will ‘click’ this message into you...

Stay safe and keep your child safe
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Old 23rd December 2017, 8:12 PM   #58
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I just don’t buy for a second the whole no sex thing with his wife out of some so called loyalty for the AP. His wife who he has had a relationship with for 12 years comes on to him and he refuses to have sex? I don’t think so!

Serendipity - I have to agree with Imsosad. You are caught up in posting direct quotes of what your MM has said and analyse the meaning behind it. You’ve mentioned a couple of times now that your MM had told his best friend about the affair like it has some hidden meaning he is about to become more open about you. My xMM told his best mate as well and it means absolutely nothing!! He knew his friend wouldn’t tell and his mate was also cheating on his wife (found this out later!).

Also my xMM reacted similarly over a pregnancy scare and later admitted “it’s just something I can’t control”. He couldn’t control the situation if I was pregnant nor could he ever talk his way out of that with his wife! It’s all about self preservation.

I know it’s difficult to think rationally when you are in the middle of it all but from an outsider looking in its very obvious. You are attaching meaning to his words when there is none there in the first place. The reason why he contradicts himself is because he can’t even remember what he has told you or the lies he has told.

One day you will look back (as I do on my affair) and know it all meant nothing to him - just a bit of fun on the side. All this talk about who loves who more is irrelevant and again you are giving it meaning when there is none there - he is never ever going to leave his wife. You are not his first OW and you definitely won’t be the last!

Last edited by Grey Cloud; 23rd December 2017 at 8:18 PM..
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Old 23rd December 2017, 8:56 PM   #59
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OP, your back story and the "creepy" thing you picked up on. It could be you are in an affair with a psychopath. If you can't control yourself you should do everything you can not to let your child near this person. Because it's not his child, he may very well do something that a parent would never do. just my 2 cents.

Psychopath Definition May Be Different Than You Thought: 7 Facts About Psychopaths

There are many that are not violent in the way mass media portray them.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:06 PM   #60
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It's no magic trick, it's about boundaries. A guy will do something that should gain him an F off response, instead he get met with acceptance so he push again and again until you're in his bed.

Stand up married men never make those attempts so other women and married other women get stuck with scumbag MM who are looking for something outside of the marriage.
Hmm I wonder if this poster has ever been overtaken by an experience that took every part of the life he/she knew before and was left totally alone in the world???

Poppy.
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