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xOW - an update I guess


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:33 PM   #16
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He will be back. Xmas is a very busy time for families so he is putting you away in your box for a while so that he can enjoy the holidays with his wife and children and extended family. He is taking a break from you so he can have a fun Christmas without feeling guilty. Once it's around mid January and life is back to normal he'll come looking for his fun on the side again. This will only end when you end it.

I see you are still pestering him for answers regarding his feelings for his wife. You still desperately want to hear and believe that he loves you more or that he doesn't love his wife. It's been a theme in all of your threads. Stop viewing this as some sort of competition between you and his wife. Love from your MM is no prize based on the way he treats those he claims to love.

It's all looks pretty straight forward to me from reading your threads. Your MM has only been married for about 18 months. He had a baby with his wife already when he married her and then they had another baby just this past summer. Your MM told you that before you came along his wife was the love of his life. But marriage and pregnancy and multiple children bring stress. It's not sexy and romantic. It's all work and responsibility. So the MM loves his wife and children but then you came into the picture and started giving him little mini vacations from his responsibiliies.

With a toddler and a baby his wife is too busy to give him the time and attention he thinks he's entitled to. So he has romance with you and he likes that but deep down he knows that an affair is different than a real relationship with responsibilities and obligations. His romantic feelings are probably stronger with you than with his wife but his wife is his family and family ties run deep. Romance, lust and sex are all really fun feelings but they are also volatile and unstable. Marriages can have lust and romance too but not all the time and certainly not when one spouse is stepping outside of the marriage and giving those things to an outsider.

Your MM is not confused. He does have feelings of romance and lust for you and to him that is a type of love that he enjoys. It's different than family love. Romantic and sexual love is more about getting and family love is more about giving. ideally a marriage should include both but romance and lust usually ebbs and flows in a marriage. It often gets ignored for awhile when babies and small children come into the picture. A person of integrity would not step outside of their marriage when this happens but cheaters are selfish. Your MM knows his affair with you is selfish and will never turn into anything more but he wants it anyways because he is selfish and self entitled.
Oh man.. even worse than I thought. I cant figure out how a guy who just got married and is raising a toddler and new born is going around sneaking and having affairs with other women. i dont get it. when does he sleep? does he not work?
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:42 PM   #17
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He'll be back and you'll let him come back. I'd so love for you to prove me wrong on this one.

The fact is that as long as you allow him in and out of your life he'll do it.

Cheating with a pregnant wife is very low. Is this the man occupying your mind and heart?

Think about it. No decent man would do what he's done. Think about his wife and kids..... somebody needs to and he hasn't really done that in the past.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:45 PM   #18
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Oh man.. even worse than I thought. I cant figure out how a guy who just got married and is raising a toddler and new born is going around sneaking and having affairs with other women. i dont get it. when does he sleep? does he not work?
Where there is a will, there is a way...

I had forgotten this aspect of the story. Just days after his child was born, while his wife was caring for a toddler and a newborn at home, he was chasing you for sex.

Like Anika, I too think that he will be back. The question becomes, will you let him back in Serendipity? I don't see a strong conviction from you that this is done. He is still calling the shots, making demands. You are still waiting to see what he will do next, if he will come back. At what point does it become more painful to continue this relationship than to let "the dream" of this man go...

Last edited by BaileyB; 22nd December 2017 at 1:59 PM..
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Old 22nd December 2017, 2:23 PM   #19
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Where there is a will, there is a way...
well, he's a stronger man than me. i remember that time well. i was too busy dwelling on how to contain green alien poop and diapers.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 2:44 PM   #20
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I feel for you.
You seem to view him as a great guy and quote his reasons for not being with you full time as though these weren't the same old same old excuses almost every OW hears.
If he cares so much about being a good guy and his family and children mean SO much to him, then he should really stop putting them at emotional risk by doing this back and forth with you.
You seem to to have high regards for his determination to be perceived as a Good Guy, and for a minute there, maybe you're forgetting that looking like a Good Guy and actually being one is not the same thing.
I think he has one person in mind-himself.
He likes his life, he loves his wife and he sounds to me like the type od MM that come Dday, would throw you under the bus so fast your head will spin.
I don't think he's confused at all. He wants you to be his OW, period. I think he does this push and pull to manage your expectations, to make sure you understand he's not leaving.
Also, I for one, am not impressed with his tears, especially when in the next sentence you describe a melt down over a pregnancy scare.
That panicked reactions reveals so much more about what he is really feeling and thinking than a bucket full of tears.
Counselling to be friends???
So this All Around Good Guy wants to go to counselling with his former mistress so that they can be friends and be in each other's lives. Spend time, money and invest emotional energy in to a relationship with his ex OW.
Let that sink in, sweetie.
He says he loves his wife, maybe even in love with her. What is his love worth if he's even entertaining this ludicrous idea.
He says he loves you (even more!) but he causes you pain and heartbreak.
Could it be that being "loved" by this person isn't exactly a prize?
I know you feel like you'll never get over him, but if you can reach the rational decision on your head that this is so bad for you, your heart will eventually follow. It might take months. A year. 2 years, whatever it takes.
There is a much brighter future for you out there.

Last edited by imsosad; 22nd December 2017 at 2:46 PM..
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Old 22nd December 2017, 5:39 PM   #21
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Please stop letting yourself be used. He made his choice. You deserve so much more than he has to offer.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 7:42 PM   #22
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Thank you for all your responses - I should also add Bailey and Elaine and Sandy to my 'thank you' list. Re-reading your posts helps immeasurably.

Jenkins - thank you. You seem like such a good soul who has really changed - as hard is that is to do. We all talk about being better people but to do it takes strength and courage. That's what I need to find within myself.

My xMM said his marital problems are all down to me - that without me in his life they will probably get on much better. Perhaps this is true but I wonder if as you've all said I'm providing the romantic love that he wants and without me he'll struggle, which is why he's come back time and time again.

He's said he has to do right thing because he's scared but he messages me all the time / and even during his panic he kept asking me if we could deal with our new baby (he was convinced I was pregnant) as two people who loved each other once and if he had to tell his W about me he'd tell her he loved me and that we'd had a long-term relationship.

I'm not saying he's a good guy but I feel like when I read Jenkins' posts I'm reading his mind. Maybe I'm being too generous.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:06 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Serendipity55 View Post

My xMM said his marital problems are all down to me - that without me in his life they will probably get on much better. Perhaps this is true but I wonder if as you've all said I'm providing the romantic love that he wants and without me he'll struggle, which is why he's come back time and time again.
What a load of crap. This guy needs to grow a spine. He's using you. He's using his wife. You provide the romance and ego boost. His wife provides the stable environment and the continued sham he believes about himself about being a "good guy" and upstanding father. It's disgusting.

Once you are a year out from any and all contact from him you will vomit at his pathetic behavior and excuses.

The bottom line is that his love for you isn't more than his love for himself.

Show him what he lost. You end it. Walk away and never, ever contact or speak or respond to his messages again. You will rise from this. Better than before. I guarantee it. I know.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:09 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Serendipity55 View Post
My xMM said his marital problems are all down to me - that without me in his life they will probably get on much better.

I'm not saying he's a good guy but I feel like when I read Jenkins' posts I'm reading his mind. Maybe I'm being too generous.
I'm sad to say, I think you are being too generous. I don't know that I would put this man in the same category as Jenkins. He has yet to prove that he can take responsibility for his actions and do what's loving and right, even if it's the hard thing to do.

As for his "theory" about his marital problems, how convenient for him that he has someone else to blame... especially considering, he is the one who continues to contact you and meet with you for sex. If you are the problem in his marriage, then he is the person who invited you into his marriage... only he owns responsibility for that.

I hope you have a lovely holiday with your daughter Serendipity. Don't miss this special time with your daughter because you are perseveration on this man. And if I may, resolve to get him out of your life for good in 2018. Best wishes.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:09 PM   #25
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What I have noticed in my joirney is that when you start to value yourself, you will drag thru it even when it seems impossible ...sobbing and moping. But you WILL get thru. why?, because you refuse to put yourself thru the shyt...just no.

Being generous is something you do to a person in genuine need or help. You arnt being generous here, you are being stupid to use your generosity on someone like this guy, theres nothing positive about it.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:13 PM   #26
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Imsosad said "you seem to view him as a great guy"

There is the problem. I say all the time, MM have it easy, all he has to do is show up and the OW/MOW will do the rest. She will hide all his warts and poor behavior. Minimizing, justification, or just flat out ignoring.

This guy is horrible, and as Elaine stated posters have been telling you this for a long time.

I really hope you will see him for what he is eventually.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:17 PM   #27
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MM have it easy, all he has to do is show up and the OW/MOW will do the rest. She will hide all his warts and poor behavior.
Isn't that the sad reality...
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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:32 PM   #28
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Jenkins - thank you. You seem like such a good soul who has really changed - as hard is that is to do. We all talk about being better people but to do it takes strength and courage. That's what I need to find within myself.
Thank you for such kind words S. I'm truly trying, but I know that the potential to be 'bad' is in me. I'll have to guard every day for the rest of my life that that version of me stays locked away. For your part, you seem a lovely, truly lovely person who was preyed upon at a very difficult time of your life and have never quite been able to free yourself from the grip of MM. I'm crossing everything that 2018 will be the time that you truly put him behind you - and that he has the decency to stop playing with your head. You've clearly had enough now and need to be freed from this limbo.

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.
My xMM said his marital problems are all down to me - that without me in his life they will probably get on much better.
As I care about you a lot as a virtual friend, this sentence made my blood boil and I notice a lot of other posters commenting on it too. This is so hurtful and disrespectful to you and his wife. Why on earth did he have to say such a thing? For one thing he seems to be offloading blame from himself onto you. It is also not rocket science to conclude that a husband will generally get on better with his wife when he's not having a long term affair with another woman But most of all, it is hurtful to you personally - it depicts you as the outsider coming in and disrupting his marital bliss. This is not a loving thing to say, it's hurtful and mean. Not cool at all. I mean, did it escape his notice that he did the chasing and he is the one that kept coming back and drawing you in? You weren't holding a gun to his head.

Perhaps I've over-reacted, but that just jumped off the page to me. Try to use these snippets to really see the type of man he is. He is clearly saying here that his marriage is his number 1 priority and you are the outsider. It is horrible for you to read - but take it at face value and use it to move away from him.

Serendipity, you are so lovely, you'd be such a great catch. Please be strong now and don't get pulled back in. Thinking of you. J

Last edited by jenkins95; 22nd December 2017 at 9:44 PM..
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Old 22nd December 2017, 11:14 PM   #29
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Serendipity,

I think MM is full of hot air. Can you honestly imagine a married man telling his wife that he loved the OW and had been in a long term relationship with her.

He is really romancing you big time !

You are just his little outlet... a bit of fun away from the reality of wife and new baby.

You need to turn your back on it all and walk away. You already know that though I am sure.

Best Wishes,
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Old 23rd December 2017, 12:13 AM   #30
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(((Serendipity)))
Hugs to you during this time.
I really feel for you.

At least a couple of people here have referred to this man as evil, and it's very hard for me not to agree, given how he came into your life. He might've meant well in the beginning, but his selfishness did NOT prevent him from making your terrible loss 100X worse. His actual actions, behavior, words, et cetera, viewed in context and in hindsight, are highly contradictory and selfish and can be characterized as evil considering...

This man is a walking contradiction. And it is OK for him to be conflicted, but he is doing so at (your and) everyone else's expense. He is doing this on YOUR time.

Let me ask you, What is your time worth? What is your health and sanity worth? I'm betting you have come up with at least a ball park figure for these amounts in your cost/benefit analysis of this limping affair.

In order to get over this man and this affair, you will have to do the extremely difficult work of separating your idea of him as "good" and "honest" from his actual character and his actual behavior. When we are put in difficult situations, we discover the foundation of what it is that we truly want, how we really feel:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity55 View Post
my xMM panicked that I might be pregnant with his child (I wasn't and wasn't panicked but he got into a tailspin) and had to face the reality of possibly and imminently coming clean and losing everything (he said he'd have to tell his W because he'd want to be involved in our non-existent child's life).
As many here have stated, he made his choice here^^. This had been one of your exit ramps; you got off, but decided to get back on.
When we fall off the proverbial wagon, we have to get back on.

As someone else here said, one would think that this "scare" would've sent him packing, but no... the immediate consequences became delayed and he put it all off to deal with at a later date. Now, he is back in contradiction mode. Again.

As others have stated, you actually have control of this situation, even if you feel utterly powerless.

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I want this affair to end - because it was making me ill. I feel rejected by him but that's false pride.

"I've said to him in reply that it's over for me irregardless. I can't allow him to pick me up and put me down again. I can hear myself say these words but then I feel a longing for him and I miss him. Crazy because I don't miss the feeling of being a mistress and all that comes with it.
The bolded is when you are going to have to sit on your hands, make yourself busy or something to get through the rough times... you know, to get through to the other side...

Since this thing has started, stopped, and continued a number of times, you already know how this song of answering his calls and responding to his messages will end. This board is littered with the definition of (relationship) insanity... that is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I say, it's time to get on the wagon and get off the road.

What actions can you take today to turn this thing on its head?
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