LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Another setback - feeling like crap


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th January 2018, 5:40 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 149
Your story, although very different from mine, brings us to a similar place and the way you're feeling has been me with a man on many occasions over the last year and a half. We dated after he broke up with someone, he ended it with me to go back to her. Within a few weeks he started texting me and ultimately ended it with her to come back to me. Then went back to her. That was Oct '16. For the next 8 months I was where you are right now.

I would text and either get a cold response "you have to move on" or a very hopeful response "i miss you more than I can even understand. You flipped my life upside down. You have changed how I see myself and the world and I'm not happy where I am"....always giving me hope but never following through. And every time I texted him, I didn't feel better, I felt worse...even when he said "good" things because I realized that hope wasn't serving me. Until he left her for good, hope was not my friend. And he clearly wasn't leaving. 4 months later (since Nov '17) we were in contact again and he has said every possible thing I could ever want to hear....and sent me presents for xmas, a beautiful card that said everything I always wanted to hear him say...empty promises, as he is still with her and is "confused" now and "can't give me what I want yet".

My point is that every single time I am in touch with him, it brings me to an even worse place because not only have I opened all of the old wounds, but I have added a new, fresh, bleeding cut that I have to add onto my healing. It's torture.

I am trying to do no contact. I was good for a week. And then I texted "how are you" and he responded, we had a little chat about work etc but nothing real and then that was it. And then I felt stupid for reaching out.

Try to keep in mind that you have enough wounds to heal. Don't open up any fresh ones. He is not the be all and end all to your happiness....if he was, he wouldn't have thrown you under the bus, and would be in touch and things would be happening.

I feel your pain so much. I hope things get better.
CrushingHope is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 6:29 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 331
OP, are you devastated because you broke NC, or because AP has not responded?
malvern99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 7:06 PM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 17
Honestly both. But only feel horrible about breaking NC after the no response.

I think the longest no contact was maybe 2 months.
shypapaya67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 7:14 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 283
Two months? That is great. How did you feel then?

What is your end goal?
CantTakeMySmile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 7:38 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 155
Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sorry you are hurting. I've been there too. I know there is such a pull to break NC. Just know that his non- response is ultimately for your own good and his too. You'll get through it. Be strong and keep working on yourself.
BigBlueSky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 8:02 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 283
I think the hardest part of NC after some time has passed is the not "WANTING" to get over it. For me, it is being scared to actually start feeling better.
"Maybe that means I didn't love her the way my heart tells me" "Maybe if I am feelings better, and I love her this much, then maybe she is just over it, because she obviously didn't love me the way I loved her..." "Maybe my window of opportunity is closing..." these are thoughts that haunt me....


But thoughts I have to control... I can try to control my thoughts, but not my feelings yet.... once I can get those thoughts in check, and realize they don't really MEAN anything, then hopefully, my feelings will change too. One thing at a time I guess.


Keep on keeping on... and like my dad always told me.. "If you don't know what to do, do nothing". This has kept me from reaching out many times.


One more thing about NC that I have learned is that it is not just flipping the calendar. It is about moving through it. THe first time I was NC, I just flipped the days, and still felt bad... you have to FEEL and Ask those hard questions, and most of all, you have to stop worrying about WHY and accept what IS.


Sorry to hijack... just sharing my experiences..
CantTakeMySmile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 9:09 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 149
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantTakeMySmile View Post


One more thing about NC that I have learned is that it is not just flipping the calendar. It is about moving through it. THe first time I was NC, I just flipped the days, and still felt bad... you have to FEEL and Ask those hard questions, and most of all, you have to stop worrying about WHY and accept what IS.
Thank you for this. I need to keep telling myself this....forget the WHY, accept what IS. That's so important. Thank you.
CrushingHope is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 11:46 PM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by shypapaya67 View Post
Guess what? Yup I just failed NC and feel the worst yet. Update since December was he reached out to me at Christmas to wish me a merry Christmas . A few texts where exchanged back and forth over the next week until right after New Years. I saw him for a little bit at a group social event then and after that I haven't heard from him since. I told myself I wasn't going to contact and I didn't - until today. Sent him a text just saying hi and seeing how things were and nothing- no response at all. I am miserable. A punch in the stomach feeling. Holding back tears. It's my fault I know but I just couldn't help myself. Even after reading all the recent posts about NC here I am a hypocrite and fail.

This has gotta be the worst I've felt after breaking NC though. Maybe because this puts the nail in the coffin so to speak.

My brain and heart ar reeling . Going to be a long night.
Is marijuana legal in your state? It's a wonderful coping mechanism for nights like these. I've been in your shoes before, and it really helps.
WorldInMyEyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 2:36 PM   #24
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantTakeMySmile View Post
Two months? That is great. How did you feel then?

What is your end goal?
Canttakemysmile- my end goal is to get over him and forget him. Which unfortunately will be hard to do where he has s still somewhat in a circle of aquaintences. I try to avoid as much as I can but still see him around now and then
shypapaya67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2018, 1:35 PM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 17
Doing good so far

Ha - was going to come post on how good I've been doing since my last failure only to realize it's only been a couple of weeks !!! Ugh. Feels like so much
Longer! So never heard back from him at all and have not caved. Think I'm finally making progress with my feelings. Anger has kicked in. As I keep thinking you know what a#%*hole? I have feelings. And how many times will I allow him to hurt them.

He is such a jerk ( putting it nicely) and doesn't give 2 ****s about anyone but himself. Fog is clearing for me and I am seeing this now. As long as I don't see him I think this might be a huge step for me. Reading through posts I saw this ....
. o
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bufo View Post
In another forum the saying is:

No new contact means no new hurts.

I suggest you consider this and avoid contact with him. What's in it for you? He loves the ego stroke that some lovely young lady is enamored of him even though he's recently married to another. Don't stroke his ego.

If you must attend any sociL events where he is, make sure he's with his wife when you speak with him. Cordial but distant. He isn't anybody special in your life. Never consider how he feels.
-----------

Spot on! I'm going to read this over and over!
shypapaya67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2018, 6:34 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 625
What I have realized .. when you are in a difficult

situation in your own life, you become vulnerable. If that is true, realize this isn't the person to help you through it. He's already hurt you, remember take your hand out of the fire that burned you, and find healthier people to listen.
Patrice is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
a major setback! Feeling low Sweett Coping 6 17th November 2013 11:29 AM
Why am I the one feeling crap?! Jordi Breaks and Breaking Up 0 3rd February 2009 7:04 PM
Feeling like crap iwanttolive Breaks and Breaking Up 10 20th December 2008 3:13 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:40 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.