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So, xMM showed up at my home at 0300...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 15th December 2017, 9:12 AM   #31
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Hasnt been lately much on here but I remember you Vivir like from same ‘batch’

Well, one thing I can say is that you were strong not to have sex with him that night.

On the ‘was he sincere’ , I am not sure because I always thought my xMM was brutally heartless because he NEVER came back to see how I was ( I think he never will). For all the nice things we shared our EA was nothing for him. Yours atleast came to see how you were doing , but hey, we will never know what they are thinking!. May be he cared or may be he cared for his dikk, who knows.

Its been 12+ months for me and I can say I have healed almost. I will never ever engage or contact him again because now I know he never cared. But if he had knocked on my door, I still would have not contacted him again because I am not ready for the re-ride in the roller coaster of mind fook. Either ways, I see myself in pain, wether he contacts me or not... So I just keep moving on and leave him more behind than he was yesterday...
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Old 15th December 2017, 1:23 PM   #32
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Jenkins, your words are so uplifting, I truly appreciate your support in this thread. I also did not mind the non-threadjack. I think of BreakingWave, too, and pray she is taking care of herself. Taking care of ourselves is so important when we've been steamrolled by people we care about...

Dreamwalker, thank you for asking after me; you are appreciated. I will answer your question below.

Freengreen, thank you, too, for contributing to this thread. People perceive things in a myriad of ways. You perceive that your xMM didn't care about you at all and that is why he has stayed away, but the consensus here is that if they stay away, then they are showing you care by allowing you to move on... In my case, I could argue that xMM contacts me not because he is concerned about my well-being but because he is utterly flabbergasted that I don't want him in my life. I mean, who am I?

Apparently, ghosting is a thing in today's dating world. I don't agree with it, and would likely not forgive someone who did it to me, but... oh, I don't know. Many will say you dodged a bullet and it's for the best. But ghosting can be hard to get over - especially when you've invested your time and energy and feelings are involved.

I have not been exceptional since xMM showed up at my door. I have been struggling on the spectrum of emotions. But I have still been faking it as much as I can. I am very concerned with genuinely getting better, and my BIGGEST struggle is forgiving myself for my extremely questionable behavior just before and during the affair. I also took leave from work involuntarily and this dredged up a couple of issues I knew I would have to tackle head on:

1. My work is my identity. This needs to change ASAP.
2. The loneliness I feel is ever-present. Leaning into the loneliness has helped, and the time off hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be.

In fact, I have done quite a few things that I had been putting off. I visited an art museum. I attended a poetry open-mic night. I went to a tree lighting ceremony. I have finished sending all of my Christmas cards and most of the gifts... This week, I took myself on a date for happy hour to a restaurant I have never been to. I tried gin for the first time. I have been exercising and establishing a healthier meal program.

xMM called me from a private number. I didn't hang up on him, and I stood strong. It breaks my heart to listen to him tell me that he won't call anymore, even though he has said it before. It breaks my heart to have to tell him yet again why I can't talk to him, why I can't see him.

Listening to his responses to what I had to say made me realize that he is very likely not ever going to pick me to be The Woman in his life, if he is divorced or available. I was only useful as a "friend" - someone to boost his ego. I was only useful as a bit on the side to satisfy his body. I realize that he is troubled, but I cannot "save" him and it hurts me to "help" him. He says nothing new or different, and he has nothing whatever to offer me.

I accept my sunk investment and own my regrettable choices.

I was really hoping to keep my phone number, but I might have to change it.
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Old 15th December 2017, 3:57 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
xMM called me from a private number. I didn't hang up on him, and I stood strong. It breaks my heart to listen to him tell me that he won't call anymore, even though he has said it before. It breaks my heart to have to tell him yet again why I can't talk to him, why I can't see him.
Vivir,

I am amazed by your strength in being able to be in contact with him and not giving in to him. I know I can't do it, so I have to stay away.

I read something once that stayed with me, to the effect that if you have to explain to an adult the basics of life, then there is no point. They aren't going to get it, either because they can't or they won't.

In most of these cases, I think it's that they won't. They know what the rules are, they just don't want to play by them. Why? Because entitlement.

I am trying to give up explaining the basics to people who should know better. I'm trying to give up explaining my POV to people who won't listen. I'm trying to stick with people that I know care about me instead of chasing after those that don't.
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Old 15th December 2017, 8:40 PM   #34
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Jah, trust me. I am where you are. I have determined, too, that for most people they "don't" understand because their agenda(s) doesn't match mine or they are not open to opposing viewpoints. In his case, he understands, he just doesn't agree. But I am where you are. I am not interested in explaining ad nauseam He knows my stance and nothing has changed. I am not in constant contact with him. When he undermines NC and contacts me, it is jarring to me and sets me back somewhat. I know it would be 100X worse if I were to sleep with him.

There was an admission though. He brought up his "divorce" again and scoffed when I asked for proof. He knows I don't believe he is divorced at all. Then he admitted that she still lives in the marital home... ROLL EYES!! I asked him point blank if he wanted to be with me. He gave me the line about it being too soon to pursue another relationship (which I agreed with him), but that inadvertently led me to realize that he will likely never choose me to be out in the open with him; any relationship with him (i.e., an affair) would need his current marriage or another one in order to survive at all... Repeatedly reading that aspect in other affair stories on LS helped me not to be totally crushed by this realization. It helps me to see the situation more clearly to the point that I became annoyed at the further wasting of my time...

Last edited by Vivir; 15th December 2017 at 8:43 PM..
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Old 16th December 2017, 11:11 AM   #35
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I understand your aversion to ghosting people, but it's not ghosting if you've told him the relationship is over and asked for no contact. So, stop playing this sick game and stop responding to him in any way. At all. And, for the love of God, if he does come to your house again, actually call the police. Tell them there's a creepy guy skulking around. Do not answer the door. Let the cops deal with him. They'll just ask what he's doing and tell him he has to leave. The interaction with someone in uniform should put a stop to him coming by, if he has any sense, anyway.
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Old 16th December 2017, 12:50 PM   #36
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Vivir,

I reread some of your oldest posts and was struck by the similarity of your story to mine. You mentioned loneliness and that is something I struggle with too. I think it makes it much harder to break away from a guy like this because you have gotten dependent on him for companionship and that is a fundamental human need.

MM told me once that I must still want it because I keep coming back to him. That is the way his mind works. Every time you pick up the phone, talk to him, answer the door, despite the content of what you are saying to him - he is thinking, she must still want it because she keeps letting me in. This is what your actions are saying to him.

This is not a good guy. Mine wasn't either.
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:23 PM   #37
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Vivir,

I admire you and your determination to stick with the pain of recovery. You are very much a role model for me and others who are stuck in the mire, not able to decide once and for all to "accept the sunk investment" and move on. When you do have dark days and dark struggles, please remind yourself of that. While you may feel weak or small at times, it takes enormous courage to make a commitment to yourself in the face of the emotional wreckage someone else has caused to form all around you.

You're in my thoughts, too. Wishing you brighter days ahead.

BW
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Old 16th December 2017, 8:01 PM   #38
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The guy is just tagging you along, reason?.. because he can.

There are 2 types of MMs ( and sometimes OWs )I have repeatedly noticed in posts here:

1. Those who wont leave the affair partner alone because they want a toy to play and cant digest to see the ‘toy’ living a good life on its own.
2. They just move on from one toy to another.. nothing personal, they have had too many toys and its too boring to just hang on to one for too long.

Yours seems a 1 , mine a 2.

well not so Flashnews is that both are equally damaging. Lifes too short to lead as a toy for someone. Vivir, cut him off and see the magic. Good luck.
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Old 17th December 2017, 5:41 AM   #39
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MJJean, Jah, BreakingWave, freengreen - Thank you all for your (continued) support. It has been really helpful to me during these times.

MJJean and Jah, I agree that any contact means I have left the door open so that he may come in. He called from a private number, and I guess I could've hung up when I realized it was him. I am starting to think that this is one of those cases where "being kind is being cruel" because I am not helping myself or him. I still cannot help thinking that hanging up on him would've been uncharacteristic and unkind... it is becoming circular and is a game (I hate to recognize or admit), unfortunately. As I said before, I am considering changing my number.

Freengreen, I still have feelings for him. I have always been afraid to say Goodbye, even though I did say it...repeatedly. It really helps to know that he doesn't really want me the way I want(ed) him. In other words, he wants me to be his toy. He is upset that I no longer want to play this role, as I honestly thought there was a future for us. As I said before, this particular realization would've hurt A LOT if I had not been reading on LS over these many months.

BreakingWave, I know you are really struggling right now, and I truly feel for you. I suppose I am not too much further along in my healing than you are. I keep going back to sadness and anger after feeling good... I have bursts of energy and motivation, only to fall back into despair and feeling not good enough. It has been exhausting, to say the least. At the moment, I feel so weak and so tired (but that may be because it is very, very early morning)!
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Old 17th December 2017, 10:24 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
He was checking to see how much control he still has over you. One of my best friends in the world was involved with a married man. He would show up at her place at 2 and 3 am in the morning after the bars closed, but only if he couldn't find someone at the bar to go home with. She always let him in for sex, then he would go home to his wife. He just wants the power and control over you.
^^This.

As much as you don't want this to be true, as much as we don't want it to be true because of what it says about him (and many men in general), this is 99% of the time the reason for this behavior.
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Old 17th December 2017, 12:47 PM   #41
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I still cannot help thinking that hanging up on him would've been uncharacteristic and unkind...
Yeah, I get this. NC on the whole feels unnatural and unkind to me. It's uncomfortable now when I have to pass him in the hallway and I'm getting tired of expending energy on avoiding him.

But I guess it's better than the alternative, which is opening the door for him to manipulate me again.

And I read something yesterday which hit me like a 2x4. What if his wife finds out and shows up on your doorstep with a gun? He and I actually discussed this once because of something that happened - he was worried that a friend of hers might have seen us together. And you know what? He LAUGHED at the thought.

Someone who can laugh at the thought of me being killed over his dumb a** does not deserve an ounce of compassion from me. YMMV, but maybe it would help you to think of all the ways in which he doesn't deserve your decency.
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:50 PM   #42
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MJJean, Jah, BreakingWave, freengreen - Thank you all for your (continued) support. It has been really helpful to me during these times.

MJJean and Jah, I agree that any contact means I have left the door open so that he may come in. He called from a private number, and I guess I could've hung up when I realized it was him. I am starting to think that this is one of those cases where "being kind is being cruel" because I am not helping myself or him. I still cannot help thinking that hanging up on him would've been uncharacteristic and unkind... it is becoming circular and is a game (I hate to recognize or admit), unfortunately. As I said before, I am considering changing my number.

Freengreen, I still have feelings for him. I have always been afraid to say Goodbye, even though I did say it...repeatedly. It really helps to know that he doesn't really want me the way I want(ed) him. In other words, he wants me to be his toy. He is upset that I no longer want to play this role, as I honestly thought there was a future for us. As I said before, this particular realization would've hurt A LOT if I had not been reading on LS over these many months.

BreakingWave, I know you are really struggling right now, and I truly feel for you. I suppose I am not too much further along in my healing than you are. I keep going back to sadness and anger after feeling good... I have bursts of energy and motivation, only to fall back into despair and feeling not good enough. It has been exhausting, to say the least. At the moment, I feel so weak and so tired (but that may be because it is very, very early morning)!
You've officially ended the relationship. You've explained clearly and repeatedly you want no contact so that you may heal and move forward. You've tried to avoid contact and he's circumvented you by using private numbers and showing up in the wee hours. Ask yourself who in this situation is being unkind? You have every right to hang up on him, refuse to answer the door, and have the police remove him from your property. He's pretty much reached the legal requirements to be considered a stalker in many places.
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Old 19th December 2017, 1:07 PM   #43
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My, my, when I saw that Overtaxed responded, I actually became afraid to read what he wrote! LOL But I have become acclimated to the fact that almost everything the xMM does is because of something he needs or wants, not because of any real emotion he has for me. Like Jenkins said in another post, xMM might have some feelings (maybe 18% or so), but the other 82% is all about what I can do for him, regardless of how it affects me

MJJean, I really appreciate your response here. On one hand, I feel that it validates my thinking about what "rights" I have to save myself... even though I intrinsically know that I have those rights! I keep trying to put my feet in someone else's shoes (e.g., how would I want someone to treat me if I were in his position?). But YOU ARE CORRECT. I have been in the position where someone didn't want to talk to me for whatever reason, and you know what, I didn't overstep their boundaries (even when I wanted to do so), because I realized - although it pained me - that they have the right to choose for themselves what and who they want in their lives...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
Yeah, I get this. NC on the whole feels unnatural and unkind to me. It's uncomfortable now when I have to pass him in the hallway and I'm getting tired of expending energy on avoiding him.

But I guess it's better than the alternative, which is opening the door for him to manipulate me again.

And I read something yesterday which hit me like a 2x4. What if his wife finds out and shows up on your doorstep with a gun? He and I actually discussed this once because of something that happened - he was worried that a friend of hers might have seen us together. And you know what? He LAUGHED at the thought.

Someone who can laugh at the thought of me being killed over his dumb a** does not deserve an ounce of compassion from me. YMMV, but maybe it would help you to think of all the ways in which he doesn't deserve your decency.
The bolded! I was just thinking this the other day. The point of pushing him out, one reason was so I would save myself from further manipulation.

I have no words for your xMM's ridiculousness. His laughter also highlighted his disbelief that his betrayed wife might be capable of the rage that would initiate her showing up at your home with a gun. My xMM claimed his wife was "crazy" and given his behavior, I can see how he likely drove her to her madness. He was also feeling both shocked and victimized when she destroyed his very expensive property after she caught him in a big lie...
No matter the reason, I feel that if had EVER done what she did, I would've been dropped from the relationship and the police would've been called. No one has ever loved me with such intensity to allow me to do such a thing under any circumstances... but that is neither here nor there.

One of the main traits of narcissism is a lack of empathy, right?

I also agree with you, Jah.. if your lack of personal safety wasn't a priority (but a laughing matter WTF!!!), he doesn't deserve your compassion. When my self-esteem is especially low, I try to think of myself in terms of my bank information, which I would NEVER share with anyone I did not trust completely. Even then, I would take extra precautions to guard my hard earned money... I am learning to treat myself like I treat my banking information. And that is not easy, given my horrible history with self-love.

Last edited by Vivir; 19th December 2017 at 1:14 PM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 8:51 PM   #44
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His laughter also highlighted his disbelief that his betrayed wife might be capable of the rage that would initiate her showing up at your home with a gun.
You might think so, but no. He started laughing right after he said, "you never know, she's a crazy <her race>". I think he got a kick out of thinking his wife would kill for him. Now wouldn't that be an ego boost?

I agree with you, I need to protect myself better. This guy was pretty smooth though and I wouldn't doubt he has experience. I hope I've learned how to spots the red flags at least. Being pressured is a big one, I think.
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