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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 9th November 2017, 2:21 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Steve51 View Post
First of all it is a known psychological fact that we tend to remember the good things and forget the bad about past relationships. There was a reason why you did not last and no matter what is said, that reason is still there or lurking.

It is natural for a person in a bad marriage to seek the comfort of another. Every girlfriend that cheated on me did so with someone she knew. It is rare for a girl to meet a stranger and start a relationship when married. Also know that men are genetically designed to view women as potential mates, even if they already have one. He can be thinking about having sex with you again figuring you are safe because you are married and it can be just FWB type of thing. It can also be because men like the attention of women even if they are not thinking of taking it further at that time. I have done that myself. I got flattered and encouraged the girl's attention but when it came down to sex, I backed off, most times anyway. The thrill of the hunt was sometimes better than the kill. I did that when I was married. Just wanted to know that I could most times. I did give in once and regret that to this day.

Best thing to do is to separate. So many say they want to stay married due to sake of children but that is mostly just not wanting to put them through the divorce process. These days half of all kids are from divorvced parents and adjust well. I think the short term upheaval is better than providing your children with an example of married life when no love or even like exists. Where do you think they will get their idea of how to treat a spouse, if not from your and your husband.

My sister stayed together for the sake of her kids. One is 35, been engaged 3 times, has a kid and not married or engage anymore. She got her idea of how to be a wife from my sister who treated her husband as a money machine showing no love towards him and so does her daughter. Her son married a very controlling women. He works full time, does all the cooking and cleaning as well as takes care of their two kids. Why? His dad meekly put up with my sister dominating him and putting him down because she no longer loved him and in fact did not even like him so she resented that she had to live the lie.

She did not do her kids any favors by staying together. Now they are divorced and both are the happiest I ever saw them with new spouses. Your life, your choice but you are only making things more difficult by seeing your ex. If you think taking up with an ex who has moved on with another women is better than a legal separation or divorce, you are digging yourself a deeper hole.
Thanks for the reply Steve. The break up really because we were both young and he wasn't making enough effort. I was ready to become more committed and he wasn't. He did try to win me back a year later and a couple of occasions after that but I was with my now husband and rebuked all attempts. I believe his regrets are sincere as he is saying now what he had said all them years ago.A lot of our old mutual friends told him at the time and through the years that he messed up letting me go.

What has confused me is that the tone at the beginning was of a regretful one, then turned suggestive. I went nuts when he suggested meeting up and told him in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't be happening while I am married and he is with someone. He toned the messages back then and while they are still flirty at times, there is also just general banter and no suggestion of meeting again (that was suggested a month ago).

He knows that I won't change my mind so I wonder why he is still bothering with me. He told me someone else was pursuing him and he's not interested but I didn't even react to this aside from saying it looks like he has a lovely girlfriend so he shouldn't go there.
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Old 9th November 2017, 2:24 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
Your ex is not treating you well at all. He is disrespecting your marriage.

Flirting when you are married is testing your boundaries. I know you are Long Distance. You will be s urprised how close up he will get if you let him.

Poppy.
Oh he would meet up in a flash if I was up for it and has already suggested it but I shot him down and told no way was it happening. I am not even remotely tempted to meet up with him while I am married and while he is with someone else. It's all or nothing for me.
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Old 9th November 2017, 2:27 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
But it IS an emotional affair because you admittedly depend on those texts/communication - even though you know he's not the man you thought he was.

Yet, you are willing to risk your reputation for his texts...?

You are what you do - so do things that you are proud of - not embarrassed about.

File for divorce since you say your M is over... then you can date available men.

What is OH? H is for husband...does the O stand for old?
OH stands for Other Half. I suppose I don't view it as an EA because it's not liek we are planning to meet up, or sharing feelings. It's mainly banter and some flirtacious messages (from him) but I don't really engage with it.

I suppose because I feel so lonely it feels good that someone is thinking about me and I know things won't go any further because I'm not tempted in the slightest.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:11 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Confusedlady77 View Post
OH stands for Other Half. I suppose I don't view it as an EA because it's not liek we are planning to meet up, or sharing feelings. It's mainly banter and some flirtacious messages (from him) but I don't really engage with it.

I suppose because I feel so lonely it feels good that someone is thinking about me and I know things won't go any further because I'm not tempted in the slightest.
Well, if you'd be embarrassed by someone else reading the texts - consider it inappropriate.

Just by allowing him to text you - means you are engaging him.

You know he wants sex. Just because you won't doesn't mean it's appropriate - it only means that you're willing to tease him, yes?
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Old 10th November 2017, 2:53 AM   #20
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It's easy to get sucked in when your relationship isn't going well.

I suggest you stop the texting and once until you've filed for a divorce.

If he decides to break up with his GF...then you can consider something with him.

Does your husband realise the marriage is over ?
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'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:03 AM   #21
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Well, if you'd be embarrassed by someone else reading the texts - consider it inappropriate.

Just by allowing him to text you - means you are engaging him.

You know he wants sex. Just because you won't doesn't mean it's appropriate - it only means that you're willing to tease him, yes?
I enjoy the texting yes - but not the full on stuff so I do divert it. I made it very clear about a month ago that I was not and will not be up for a one night stand, an affair or a FWB situation. I don't think that can be called teasing if I am engaging in light hearted banter with him. I'm not suggesting that anything will happen to him and he knows my personality, that I won't change my mind.
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:11 AM   #22
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It's easy to get sucked in when your relationship isn't going well.

I suggest you stop the texting and once until you've filed for a divorce.

If he decides to break up with his GF...then you can consider something with him.

Does your husband realise the marriage is over ?
My husband does know that I don't love him. I live in a country where you need to be separated for a considerable number of years before you can even file for divorce. We also have debts that need to be sorted out before I go anywhere. I am starting counselling next week (my husband knows this) to deal with some stuff that has happened in the past. He has been physically abusive a few times and is emotionally abusive. He is trying to make amends but to be honest the love died a few years ago.

I suppose the messages do give me a lift in a way, they probably do for him too. I just feel very lonely and like a failure that I can't make my marriage work
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:27 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Confusedlady77 View Post
My husband does know that I don't love him. I live in a country where you need to be separated for a considerable number of years before you can even file for divorce. We also have debts that need to be sorted out before I go anywhere. I am starting counselling next week (my husband knows this) to deal with some stuff that has happened in the past. He has been physically abusive a few times and is emotionally abusive. He is trying to make amends but to be honest the love died a few years ago.

I suppose the messages do give me a lift in a way, they probably do for him too. I just feel very lonely and like a failure that I can't make my marriage work
YOu are in a very vulnerable dangerous place. You are looking for comfort and it is easy to find it in an A.
Poppy.
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Old 14th November 2017, 5:49 AM   #24
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YOu are in a very vulnerable dangerous place. You are looking for comfort and it is easy to find it in an A.
Poppy.
Hi Poppy,

Yes - you're right. I am in a vulnerable place and it's lonely. I started counselling yesterday and am on day 3 of NC with ex. It is tough. I feel like crap even though I know I am doing the right thing

Last edited by Confusedlady77; 14th November 2017 at 9:43 AM..
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