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If x/MM is "happy" why did he seek me out again?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th November 2017, 3:39 PM   #1
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If x/MM is "happy" why did he seek me out again?

Long update Im sorry

I was doing really good 9 months no contact. Changed my whole life looked deep within my self to change and find out why I let my self go down the wrong road and why I lost my self esteem to be so little when I was so strong 10 years ago. I told my husband of over 20 years Im done with his verbal abuse and our children will not be in this environment any more. That was 7 months ago. We have been separated but living in the same home with peace. We are raising our children on the same page better then ever before. Once I told him the truth of how I felt it was like a huge bomb was disengaged. He is my best friend but romantically and emotionally I dont think I could ever trust him again. He knows this after 2 attempts in marriage counseling since I was honest with him. I have seeked out counselling on my own also agreed to take Anxiety meds I didnt think would help but yes they cleared the fog for me to think clearly. I quit a career I was telling my self everyday I loved its good money so what if my boss fills me with anxiety to the point I cant function. So I upped and left on good graces. Found a career I love, less money but my health is better then ever and my children are much happier with the way things are now thats the most important. I worked my butt off with my husband paid all our dept off and we are building our credit to perfect standings. We agreed this has to be done for both of us before we separate so we can both provide the best for the kids. I changed my routine, shopping times and places, even the gym I go to every day, Contacted old friends I lost over the years in my fog and in doing so made a lot of new friends too. I made a new life to leave the old one and starting to enjoy it fully.

Then I realized exmm was in my thoughts everyday still but there were longer blocks of time between the thoughts. I was 9 months no contact. I had heard mutual friends in convo over the months talking about the trips him and his W were taking the large expensive items he was buying he cant possibly afford and how hes working unhumanly healthy hours for more money. I just thought to my self over the months I dont want a relationship like that and kept working hard for the opposite for what was best for my family.

I was moving on slowly but better and better each day.

Then exmm at 9 months no contact found me at my most safest place I feel my new gym. So I talked to him. Asked him why he was there in the parking lot he said he was passing by saw me. Lie one I watched him drive by slow looking for my car. He asked how I was anything new I said nope not really. He then went on about himself what hes bought (to enjoy with his wife) and how hes working so many hours. I thought to my self I dont care what your doing with or for her. I used to get really jealous now I see a superficial coward trying to fill a void in himself with things and as long as his wife is having money spent on her she was happy. He also told me hes been waiting for me to come to him for months. I said you told me you would find me I left it at that. I dont know what came over me but I asked if he missed me thought about me he said "we had some good times" so my first thought so all the times you told me it was more then just sex he cared and wished a life with me my gut was right all those years that I ignored it was just the sex. I then was bold and asked him if hes happy he gave me his reg response "Im always a happy guy" his sluff off I know too well. So I pined it down said not what I asked are you happy with your life? He did something so odd he looked away from me looked down hesitated and with a low voice so diff then the rest of the convo said yyyyyy ----- yes- yep- sure. this made me so mad I felt he was a coward a lair more to himself then anyone else. I then in a very calm manner said the things I have repeated to my self and wanted to say for months. I told him how his W was so low to target my children with messages (we never had a d day he ran when she asked if he was in an affair. Our A was 4.5 years by then) I told him she couldnt get to me so she took it out on my kids and I also told him he was lucky when that happen my husband or I didnt go knocking on his door. He claims to not know any of that, I said of course she manipulates and lies to you as much as you do to her. He never defended her or anything I said never told me once I was wrong. I started to walk away and he says I will call you this week. I was steaming by then and caught off guard I just responded ya what ever. ( I knew it was another lie or he would be to much of a cowered to call)

So this encounter sent me back to the early days obsessing wondering why after 9 months and hes "happy" Im in no way a part of his life for this "happy" did he find me again? I went on with my reg everyday life mad and confused but was much easier to cope this time. He never called. Then 1 month later I stop at a gas station for water had to park my car out in the open as it was busy. In the store I see his car pull up and wait in gas line not even 20 feet from my car beside it WTH? I see him looking for me in the store. I walk out get in my car he watches me. I then think you cowered again. I roll my window down and look right at his car now were driver widows to each other maybe 15 feet between us. He sits back looks straight ahead and wont even move leaves his window up. So I drive off right behind his car and leave. He was there on purpose this I know he never gets gas there most expensive place in the city. He saw my car and stopped.

So why? Why bother if you cant even have enough courage to speak to me or acknowledge me. Why is he popping up again? His life is great so he says why?

I was doing so good now hes in my head again and I hate it. Does he miss me? Just the sex? The talking all day? etc so many whys in my head now. After the gas station does he hate me? afraid of me? Does he hate Im moving on? what does seeing me do for him but not acknowledge me? why why why Is he trying to play me to come to him. I didnt when he ran why would I now? Why when I was doing so good and feeling better is he playing these games.

I guess I just needed to vent and ask all of you if you had an ex do this to you and if you know why.

Thanks for reading
Remember everyone here says its better with time I didnt believe them but its the truth.
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Old 7th November 2017, 4:13 PM   #2
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His reasons don't matter. What matters is that you do't allow him to suck you in again.
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Old 7th November 2017, 5:52 PM   #3
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He's testing the waters, to see if he can get to you again... and it sounds like he did.

Congratulations on all the positive changes you've made in your life this year. Don't throw it all away now...
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Old 8th November 2017, 2:30 AM   #4
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He wants to see if your up for it again. To see if he still gets under your skin and it sounds like he does.

Don't you ever reflect on the fact that your affair, your actions caused her to go for your children?

She didn't play fair in going after your kids ... You didn't play fair in having an affair with her husband.

Your kids are innocent and so is she.

You need to take 100% of the responsibility for whatever she did where your children are concerned.
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Old 8th November 2017, 5:56 AM   #5
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Because it's much easier to sleep with someone you've already slept with before than it is to sleep with someone new and he's horny.

Yes, it really is that simple. Sorry, but I suspect this has about nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his desire for an "easy lay".
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:26 AM   #6
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How did this guy find your new gym? How did he even know where to look for you?
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Old 8th November 2017, 8:44 AM   #7
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You have done amazing!! F that guy!
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Old 9th November 2017, 2:05 PM   #8
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Thank you everyone it's been a while since I have come back on here I was doing so good. He must keep tabs on me through mutual people even if you try to stay low and no contact isn't it true if someone wants to know about you they will somehow? I thought he was gone I was moving on. But now he's in my head even more I'm guessing what he wanted all along. Is it true if someone notices you moving on they do things to make you go back to missing them? Even if it's just a mind game for them? I won't contact him even if I have very weak moments and have had so many of them over the last 10 months I try to distract my self like I did before. I'm just so mad he's playing these games and so mad and hurt that he thinks I would be the easy lay. He did nothing but dig up my hurt that for so long it was a lie even when he would convince me it wasn't that I truly was just an easy lay. I'm more mad he dug up those feelings in me that I was so low with self esteem I let him play with my emotions I let him treat me as worthless. I was the one who allowed it. This hurts
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Old 9th November 2017, 3:46 PM   #9
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People with integrity leave the door closed. People

without integrity are looking to heal something wrong in their lives, and are looking for an easy way to avoid doing the mental and emotional work that keeps them stuck in an unhappy way of life. There is no other way through this, then to avoid him and don't get sucked in again. Obviously, nothing has changed and he is in the same place he was when he did this to you. Don't allow it anymore, that's your strong and better self coming in with all the hard work you have done on yourself. I do think there are a lot of people who want a stable life with some action on the side to avoid the humdrum life they have chosen to lead. You wanted something that he couldn't or wasn't willing to sacrifice to give you - and nothing has changed. Be at peace, stay NC and avoid this jerk.
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Old 9th November 2017, 6:37 PM   #10
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To get another hit like a drug addict. Same thing... the boost... the high ...the escape ...fill in the blank
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Old 9th November 2017, 6:38 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by escapefantasy View Post
Thank you everyone it's been a while since I have come back on here I was doing so good. He must keep tabs on me through mutual people even if you try to stay low and no contact isn't it true if someone wants to know about you they will somehow? I thought he was gone I was moving on. But now he's in my head even more I'm guessing what he wanted all along. Is it true if someone notices you moving on they do things to make you go back to missing them? Even if it's just a mind game for them? I won't contact him even if I have very weak moments and have had so many of them over the last 10 months I try to distract my self like I did before. I'm just so mad he's playing these games and so mad and hurt that he thinks I would be the easy lay. He did nothing but dig up my hurt that for so long it was a lie even when he would convince me it wasn't that I truly was just an easy lay. I'm more mad he dug up those feelings in me that I was so low with self esteem I let him play with my emotions I let him treat me as worthless. I was the one who allowed it. This hurts
Just start over again ;-) go full on No Contact!
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Old 13th November 2017, 4:21 PM   #12
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You can do this!! You are stronger than you know, and

you don't need this coward to come back and make you weak again. Keep on growing!! xo
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Old 13th November 2017, 6:29 PM   #13
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Exactly what everyone else has said. You're 9 months out -- you made it! Don't go back to that living hell, it's not worth it. He doesn't want you, he wants the way you made him feel.

9 months = enough time to become unhappy (probably for the zillionth time) with his marriage. Despite his claims otherwise.
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Old 14th November 2017, 12:52 AM   #14
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Thanks everyone I keep reading and re reading all your replies it really helps to keep me pushing forward and trying to not care. I had a little set back today I ran into a mutual acquaintance. He was quick to tell me exmm his w and let's say followers and i say it that way because these people have lost long time friends by following exmm and his w are leaving on a trip soon. This acquaintance is going with them. He was complaining already that his week of holidays is planned by exmm and his w already. All I said was you make your own choices. I have had a few moments of jealousy since that convo and a few moments of pure hate. I wish I just didn't care. I was again mad coming to me not a month ago feel me out how easy I would be like he missed me and he had a week vac planned away with his w? I can say so happy I didn't fall for it or try to make contact with him after that night. I just wish I could get to the point I just don't care any more. I know he truly was a fake person to me. Why do I have to miss or be jealous. Is this normal feelings even 10 months later? If he had just left me alone I wouldn't be back to this place of emotions i hate so much. Will never let him know how I feel. To him I have moved on I think. That's how I hope he see it anyways. Thanks for again letting me vent and taking the time to read my story. Any replies help to make me face the truth.
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Old 14th November 2017, 9:23 AM   #15
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I just wanted to say well done. You are doing great
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