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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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  • 1 Post By deadsoul
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Old 4th November 2017, 11:38 AM   #1
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Addicted to love

I am new to Love Shack but not new to an affair. I am sorry for the long post but I need to tell my story.

My affair went on for 11 years and I am old enough to know better (early60's). MM was a neighbor. I am married to a great H but I became addicted to every aspect of the A.

We started as an EA but it became a PA quickly. I moved away but didn't go far enough. I tried killing myself twice and was in the hospital. I did therapy and antidepressants for years but could NEVER stop. The addiction of the contact was my daily drug. Years before texting he would call me every morning. I couldn't function unless I had that call. Days I didn't get the call I was weepy, crabby, distracted and anxious. Then we texted for years and I also lived for the daily contact.

I did things I am too embarrassed to admit to keep the A going. We never shared a night or a meal just had sex a couple times a month in a place so horrible I shudder to think about it.

The last time I saw him was a few weeks ago. He told me he had been fighting with W and wondered how I was with H.I was silent and then said this was all I wanted the A. I also found out he has a spot on his brain and severe headaches. He couldn't perform the last time because of the drug
he is on for the headaches.

After that last encounter, communication continued for a couple of days then it completely stopped. I tried texting him early last week "are you OK" and got nothing.

I am in full blown withdrawal. I drive a lot for my job so I have been crying non stop in the car. Shaky, anxious, not eating, not sleeping and fighting to keep it together in front of H. I have NOT contacted him for 7 days and finally today I realized this NC is a gift from him. The NC is to get my life back so I can be a good wife and be finally free from the A.

I am scared that he will contact me. I know I should block him but that isn't in the cards right now. I really don't think I will jump back in just for the high. I am getting to a point where I am getting stronger.

I am open to any advise. I know someone will say get therapy but I can't explain to H why I need to go back into therapy at this point in our 22 year relationship. You guys need to be my therapy right now PLEASE!
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Old 4th November 2017, 11:55 AM   #2
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There's really not much I can say because you know what you are doing to your husband is wrong and are experiencing the hell an affair can take you to. NC is going to be hard but you have to stick to it if you want a better life or divorce your husband. How old is the OM?
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Old 4th November 2017, 11:59 AM   #3
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He is 9 years younger. I don't want to divorce my H.
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Old 4th November 2017, 12:03 PM   #4
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Then you have to go NC and stick to it. Most others will tell you that you have to confess the affair to your husband in order to move on. I think you need to seek a therapist to help you through this. I also guessed this was a younger man.
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Old 4th November 2017, 12:03 PM   #5
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I have to say, you realizing NC from him was a gift after only 7 days is much better than how long it took me to realize it was a gift: more than 7 months.

Right now focus on you. Focus on healing what is in you. It is an addiction. Keep busy: exercise, journal, spend time with quality people and your family. Help others.

Focus on one day at a time, just as an addict would.

The early days are the hardest and I wish I could go back to those early days and tell myself, "You will get through this." I wouldn't have believed future me then, but now that I'm where I'm at, I believe it now.

It takes time. Grieve. Sit in the pain for awhile and allow it. It's hard to do that because you think, "hey, I'm already in it." But you have to tell yourself it's okay to feel the hurt and pain you're feeling. It took me a LONG time to get to that point...

Good luck, OP. Keep posting. It helps.
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Old 4th November 2017, 12:07 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Willow Woman View Post


I am open to any advise. I know someone will say get therapy but I can't explain to H why I need to go back into therapy at this point in our 22 year relationship. You guys need to be my therapy right now PLEASE!
Menopause can be a reason to seek therapy.
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Old 4th November 2017, 12:08 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
menopause can be a reason to seek therapy.
^^^^ truth!!!!
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Old 4th November 2017, 9:24 PM   #8
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You have spent half your marriage in another secret relationship.

I do not know how you can come out the other side still married to be perfectly blunt.

11 years is a very very long time.

Your husband absolutely deserves to know he has been living in fairy land and be give the opportunity to decide his own future. What right do you have to keep this secret from him and THEN decide you will just make it all ok with therapy?

Poppy.
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Old 4th November 2017, 10:08 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Willow Woman View Post
He is 9 years younger. I don't want to divorce my H.
Why not? You don't appear to want to be A WIFE either. Or at least not to your husband
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Old 5th November 2017, 10:48 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
You have spent half your marriage in another secret relationship.

I do not know how you can come out the other side still married to be perfectly blunt.

11 years is a very very long time.

Your husband absolutely deserves to know he has been living in fairy land and be give the opportunity to decide his own future. What right do you have to keep this secret from him and THEN decide you will just make it all ok with therapy?

Poppy.
11 years is a long time.

The flip side is though, what right do you have to dump your 11 year secret on your husband and destroy his world? That could be considered pretty selfish as well. I'm of the belief that you should tell if you want to fix your marriage, not to relieve your own guilt, pain and suffering.

Not everyone wants to know.
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Old 6th November 2017, 1:36 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue1980 View Post
11 years is a long time.

The flip side is though, what right do you have to dump your 11 year secret on your husband and destroy his world? That could be considered pretty selfish as well. I'm of the belief that you should tell if you want to fix your marriage, not to relieve your own guilt, pain and suffering.

Not everyone wants to know.
I take your point Midnight. I still think the man has a right to know half his marriage has been shared with another person. Let him decide what he wants to do with the marriage.

I can't see a marriage ever being repaired after the impact of such a long affair but you never know.

Poppy.
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:26 AM   #12
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I know what I did and trust me I am so full of guilt it is consuming me. I am afraid.
I will not ruin my Hs life by confessing.
I will start fresh and be a better W.
I will NEVER contact OM EVER.
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:58 AM   #13
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Willow Woman, you need to and must block the OM from
all means of communication.

You need to move at the minimum 1,000 miles away from
the OM and the places where you had your affair for
you to break the addiction to your OM and to make it too
hard for the OM to continue this affair.

You need to confess to your BH. He needs the truth to
determine what will be best decision for his life. To cheat
on him was wrong. To continue to lie to his about the
affair is worse.
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