Complex affair with a recently married girl

[ThePianist]

Hello, thank you for reading this. I'm going to be brief, but accurate. I'm a guy of 24. Studying in med school, and soon to be a doctor. And I'm also a moderately popular rising musician. Financially still striving, though. Around 7 months ago, I was betrayed by the girl I loved and I got really broken & alone. Was so mentally broken that I missed my professional exam. For nearly 5 months I was very isolated from the world & I did nothing but tried to make myself stronger for re-appearing in the exam this coming November. 2 months ago, I met a girl on facebook, (She is 22). Basically she came into my life, we became friends. After some time we got more intimate (virtually, of course), she confessed her deep affection & love for me. She told me that she understood that I was broken & she would love me & heal me without expecting anything in return. I was enjoying her love, her gentle care & affection. I was getting emotional for her too. Our chemistry is so amazing, we just clicked. The spark between us is amazing. Her emotional intelligence is also as good as mine.

 

Suddenly her family wanted to marry her off last month. She called me crying, and said to me, "I love you & I know you love me too. My dad is trying to marry me off with one of his friend's son. If you want to marry me or see any future with me, then please tell me & I will do anything to stop this wedding. I'll run off with you If you just tell me once. I love you. I don't love this guy that my dad is trying to marry me off with"

 

I was in a very difficult situation, because of two reasons:-

(1) Even though we were very close & I really liked her, I didn't have the confidence to ensure her with the promise of marriage only with our 1 month of knowing each other.

(2) I was betrayed in love before, so I was kinda skeptical about girls. I thought to myself that she was just infatuated with me. It will pass.

 

So, for this reasons, I advised her to listen to her parents & marry the guy & be happy. and eventually she had to marry that guy.

 

She cried a lot. But, she was understanding of my situation & didn't blame me. I decided to remain as her friend & give her comfort.

 

Even though she is married, she still lives with her parents. Her husband works for a company as an executive, and his plan is to take her to his home after she graduates (maybe after 2 years). Meanwhile he just comes every now & then. She says he's a nice & polite guy, good with her family & siblings. but it's hard for her to adjust with him emotionally. Said she would try to love him.

 

Now, the problem is, she's very much in love with me. She wants to talk with my every night for long duration. Even throughout the day, she calls me to know what I'm doing, if I had my lunch in time etc.

I am in love with her too, but I don't show my affection much (at least I try my best not to) so that she distance herself from me & learn to love her husband. But nothing is working. She gets jealous too if I talk with any other girl. (But of course, she just gets very hurt, but doesn't put pressure on me). I'm too afraid to hurt her too, because I love her so much.

 

She understands that we don't have a future together anymore, but says she can't live without me. Even after she got married, we got carried away and was having phone sex. But after some days, she had the first sex of her life with her husband (she was a virgin). She called me up, and cried so much to me, saying that the whole time of sex with her husband, she was fighting with herself & all she could think of was me.

 

Honestly, it was so heartbreaking for me too, hearing her say that. I didn't know what to say.

We continued to have phone sex and intimate convos even though I was feeling bad about it & wanted to stop it. In my mind, I started feeling like I'm just a guy who's just her "virtual emotional getaway". I started to distance myself from her more, stopped showing care for her at all, even though I loved her so much.

 

Then we confronted each other on skype video chat, I told her how bad I felt about this. She told me, she feels bad about it everyday too. She can't continue cheating on her husband anymore, even though she doesn't love him. I felt like we were on the same page of our guilty conscience. We mutually decided to become friends, even though we are intensely physically & emotionally attracted to each other. She wanted to meet me in person too & I am supposed to meet her next month (she lives in another city). I have no idea what might happen.

 

But the issue is, she gets crazy if we don't talk for a single day. She gets crazy if I don't stay in line on the phone while she sleeps. She says she needs me to kiss her to sleep every night. Otherwise she can't sleep. I tried telling her that it's not the way friendship works.... but she doesn't understand. She's too emotional for my kisses & my care and overall my presence in her life.

 

What should I do? Should I meet her at all? Should I just run away? What are the other options that I have? Please mention. I'm seriously in deep confusion. I love her too, that's the saddest part.

 

Please advice.

[pheonixrisen]

Hello, thank you for reading this. I'm going to be brief, but accurate. I'm a guy of 24. Studying in med school, and soon to be a doctor. And I'm also a moderately popular rising musician. Financially still striving, though. Around 7 months ago, I was betrayed by the girl I loved and I got really broken & alone. Was so mentally broken that I missed my professional exam. For nearly 5 months I was very isolated from the world & I did nothing but tried to make myself stronger for re-appearing in the exam this coming November. 2 months ago, I met a girl on facebook, (She is 22). Basically she came into my life, we became friends. After some time we got more intimate (virtually, of course), she confessed her deep affection & love for me. She told me that she understood that I was broken & she would love me & heal me without expecting anything in return. I was enjoying her love, her gentle care & affection. I was getting emotional for her too. Our chemistry is so amazing, we just clicked. The spark between us is amazing. Her emotional intelligence is also as good as mine.

 

Suddenly her family wanted to marry her off last month. She called me crying, and said to me, "I love you & I know you love me too. My dad is trying to marry me off with one of his friend's son. If you want to marry me or see any future with me, then please tell me & I will do anything to stop this wedding. I'll run off with you If you just tell me once. I love you. I don't love this guy that my dad is trying to marry me off with"

 

I was in a very difficult situation, because of two reasons:-

(1) Even though we were very close & I really liked her, I didn't have the confidence to ensure her with the promise of marriage only with our 1 month of knowing each other.

(2) I was betrayed in love before, so I was kinda skeptical about girls. I thought to myself that she was just infatuated with me. It will pass.

 

So, for this reasons, I advised her to listen to her parents & marry the guy & be happy. and eventually she had to marry that guy.

 

She cried a lot. But, she was understanding of my situation & didn't blame me. I decided to remain as her friend & give her comfort.

 

Even though she is married, she still lives with her parents. Her husband works for a company as an executive, and his plan is to take her to his home after she graduates (maybe after 2 years). Meanwhile he just comes every now & then. She says he's a nice & polite guy, good with her family & siblings. but it's hard for her to adjust with him emotionally. Said she would try to love him.

 

Now, the problem is, she's very much in love with me. She wants to talk with my every night for long duration. Even throughout the day, she calls me to know what I'm doing, if I had my lunch in time etc.

I am in love with her too, but I don't show my affection much (at least I try my best not to) so that she distance herself from me & learn to love her husband. But nothing is working. She gets jealous too if I talk with any other girl. (But of course, she just gets very hurt, but doesn't put pressure on me). I'm too afraid to hurt her too, because I love her so much.

 

She understands that we don't have a future together anymore, but says she can't live without me. Even after she got married, we got carried away and was having phone sex. But after some days, she had the first sex of her life with her husband (she was a virgin). She called me up, and cried so much to me, saying that the whole time of sex with her husband, she was fighting with herself & all she could think of was me.

 

Honestly, it was so heartbreaking for me too, hearing her say that. I didn't know what to say.

We continued to have phone sex and intimate convos even though I was feeling bad about it & wanted to stop it. In my mind, I started feeling like I'm just a guy who's just her "virtual emotional getaway". I started to distance myself from her more, stopped showing care for her at all, even though I loved her so much.

 

Then we confronted each other on skype video chat, I told her how bad I felt about this. She told me, she feels bad about it everyday too. She can't continue cheating on her husband anymore, even though she doesn't love him. I felt like we were on the same page of our guilty conscience. We mutually decided to become friends, even though we are intensely physically & emotionally attracted to each other. She wanted to meet me in person too & I am supposed to meet her next month (she lives in another city). I have no idea what might happen.

 

But the issue is, she gets crazy if we don't talk for a single day. She gets crazy if I don't stay in line on the phone while she sleeps. She says she needs me to kiss her to sleep every night. Otherwise she can't sleep. I tried telling her that it's not the way friendship works.... but she doesn't understand. She's too emotional for my kisses & my care and overall my presence in her life.

 

What should I do? Should I meet her at all? Should I just run away? What are the other options that I have? Please mention. I'm seriously in deep confusion. I love her too, that's the saddest part.

 

Please advice.

 

Focus on your education .

 

You are very young ...relationship comes and goes investment in your self at this point should take priority above all else .

 

You have latched on to the next thing that was nice to you .

 

You were devastated what your ex did to you but perhaps not devastated enough not to participate to do it to someone else

 

C ut it off. Block her . She is married .

[somanymistakes]

You haven't even met this girl, right? You don't know if any part of this story is true.

 

If it IS true, you have only yourself to blame. You told her to marry someone else. Telling her that and then hanging around with her is just intentionally hurting both of you. 'Remaining as her friend' was being a coward and a jerk. You didn't want to risk having a real relationship with her, but you didn't want to let go of her either.

 

You're very emotionally confused from what happened to you previously and have easily been sucked into new drama. You don't have good skills at evaluating what a healthy relationship should look like. Until you get your feet back under you, any relationship you get involved in is going to be a total disasters. Your expectations and boundaries are all over the place.

 

If you isolate yourself too much when you're in pain you can be so flooded by emotion when you finally do contact someone that you can't think straight. You are still a rebounding mess.

 

If this girl's marriage sucks, that's sad for her, but she needs to sort that out ON HER OWN. If she doesn't want to be in this marriage she needs to find a way out of it, not a way to cheat.

[1966Seahorse]

Hi ThePianist,

 

I am sorry about the situation you find yourself in - it is complicated, I get that.

 

However ... bottom line is ... she is now married.

 

If you did meet her (which would be wrong) you will just complicate things 100 times over.

 

IMO you should cut contact (I know it will be painful).

 

She appears so intense and needy and you haven't even met in person .... you need to work on you.

 

Good luck x

[BaileyB]

She is married. Quite simply, she is not available to have a relationship with another man.

 

You have formed what you feel is an intense emotional bond with a woman that you have never met. To be very honest, nothing about this situation seems particularly healthy.

 

You must stop contacting this woman and move forward with your own life. Focus on your school. Focus on your own mental health and well being. Good luck.

Edited October 14, 2017 by BaileyB

[Origin]

You should stop being selfish and stop spoon feeding her your emotions making her think you’ll be with her one day. If you loved her that much you would have told her not to get married, but you didn’t. Now stop crying about it and don’t destroy her life just because you can’t get your S together.

 

My advice is NOT TO SEE HER. As somebody said you’ll just complicate this 1000x more for yourself and her also.

 

Cut off all contact, move on and concentrate on school. She’s not your girl or wife, you have no right to be trying to comfort her in any way.

 

Good luck.

[ThePianist]

 

You didn't want to risk having a real relationship with her, but you didn't want to let go of her either.

 

.

 

Thanks for your comment. To be honest, I didn't think 1 month of knowing each other or intensely loving each other was enough to know if it's really 'love'.

I needed more time to actually make a concrete decision if I want to make her my wife. It's not easy, is it? Above that, we weren't even given the time necessary. Her dad forcefully married her off (I hate our country's culture. Here, most of the parents choose the husband for their daughters. aka the 'arranged marriage'). I did ask her if there were any option to hold the marriage and make it later, maybe 6-7 month later? She said that her dad couldn't wait & risk that guy not marrying her later etc. It was like now or never kind of situation. I had to let her go, cause I didn't want to give her a life of uncertainty.

 

I did let her go. but she is saying that she will die if I leave. She's like begging me not to leave & asking me to be at least be as a platonic friend.

Actually I don't want her to cheat on her husband at all. It's was making me feel super bad about myself anyway.

 

Should I agree to that, talk to her only once a week, and thus blow out the fire slowly until she settles in with her husband? Or completely cold turkey her & block her? I just don't want to hurt her terribly. I'm not at all concerned about myself.

[ThePianist]

Thank for your kind comment. I really need to work on myself.

God bless.

[ThePianist]

Hi ThePianist,

 

I am sorry about the situation you find yourself in - it is complicated, I get that.

 

However ... bottom line is ... she is now married.

 

If you did meet her (which would be wrong) you will just complicate things 100 times over.

 

IMO you should cut contact (I know it will be painful).

 

She appears so intense and needy and you haven't even met in person .... you need to work on you.

 

Good luck x

 

 

Thanks for your kind comment. I really need to work on myself.

God bless.

[1966Seahorse]

Thanks for your comment. To be honest, I didn't think 1 month of knowing each other or intensely loving each other was enough to know if it's really 'love'.

I needed more time to actually make a concrete decision if I want to make her my wife. It's not easy, is it? Above that, we weren't even given the time necessary. Her dad forcefully married her off (I hate our country's culture. Here, most of the parents choose the husband for their daughters. aka the 'arranged marriage'). I did ask her if there were any option to hold the marriage and make it later, maybe 6-7 month later? She said that her dad couldn't wait & risk that guy not marrying her later etc. It was like now or never kind of situation. I had to let her go, cause I didn't want to give her a life of uncertainty.

 

I did let her go. but she is saying that she will die if I leave. She's like begging me not to leave & asking me to be at least be as a platonic friend.

Actually I don't want her to cheat on her husband at all. It's was making me feel super bad about myself anyway.

 

Should I agree to that, talk to her only once a week, and thus blow out the fire slowly until she settles in with her husband? Or completely cold turkey her & block her? I just don't want to hurt her terribly. I'm not at all concerned about myself.

 

You are right .... it cannot be real love .... you have never met .... it is almost a fantasy love.

 

And you were right to let her go ... you cannot make a lifetime commitment to her having never met ... that would have been just crazy (so you did the right thing in letting her go) - and what are the chances that that would have really worked out?

 

It is one thing knowing someone only over the internet/skype etc. but it is a completely different thing being with someone and living with them - that is only when you get to know someone truly.

 

And she wont die if you leave .... you are intelligent - you know that ... she is saying that to keep you emotionally attached.

 

IMO you should go cold turkey, as you suggested, and block all future contact ... you say you don't want her to cheat on her husband at all but if you kept in contact with her that would be an emotional affair.

 

It will hurt her initially if you cease contact ... but you need to think about yourself too - and you SHOULD be concerned about yourself ... if you continue contacting her it will create too much drama.

 

If you were married to someone and they were doing the same to you as your lady friend is doing to her husband ... would you be happy as that husband?

 

All the best x

[ThePianist]

You are right .... it cannot be real love .... you have never met .... it is almost a fantasy love.

 

And you were right to let her go ... you cannot make a lifetime commitment to her having never met ... that would have been just crazy (so you did the right thing in letting her go) - and what are the chances that that would have really worked out?

 

It is one thing knowing someone only over the internet/skype etc. but it is a completely different thing being with someone and living with them - that is only when you get to know someone truly.

 

And she wont die if you leave .... you are intelligent - you know that ... she is saying that to keep you emotionally attached.

 

IMO you should go cold turkey, as you suggested, and block all future contact ... you say you don't want her to cheat on her husband at all but if you kept in contact with her that would be an emotional affair.

 

It will hurt her initially if you cease contact ... but you need to think about yourself too - and you SHOULD be concerned about yourself ... if you continue contacting her it will create too much drama.

 

If you were married to someone and they were doing the same to you as your lady friend is doing to her husband ... would you be happy as that husband?

 

All the best x

 

Thank you so much. I just needed some confidence boost for this from you guys (Because you guys are seniors & know much better about all this emotional stuff).

 

Thank you again, I appreciate the guidance genuinely.

 

God bless.

[Bufo]

Don't go against your original decision to let her go. You know there is more to a marriage or even a serious relationship than being madly infatuated.

 

She looked for a lifeline to save her from the arranged marriage. That lifeline was/is you. You simply cannot be another person's saving grace in the long run. "And they lived happily ever after" is the closing line of many fairy tales. Think you can live a fairy tale life? Difficult to maintain when real life intervenes

 

Why set hurdle up in the middle of her family troubles? You already missed a

Professional exam.

[1966Seahorse]

Thank you so much. I just needed some confidence boost for this from you guys (Because you guys are seniors & know much better about all this emotional stuff).

 

Thank you again, I appreciate the guidance genuinely.

 

God bless.

 

I hope you put the guidance you have been given in to practice ... and do the right thing.

 

All the very best to you x