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When xMM moves on to another OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th October 2017, 5:53 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I never saw that on another thread, but I agree with that.
I believe that is one reason why MM are so addictive, they have had the rough edges knocked off of them by their experience with a committed woman, so they present a very attractive face to many other women too.

They are also look like the "good guys", the guys who were willing to get married, have kids and settle down and that is also an attractive quality to many women who may have had to wade through the bitter, the misogynists, the commitment phobes, the psychopaths, the weak and the needy.. etc. etc.
They present the image of a "normal" guy and they usually know how to lay it on thick too, so they are irresistible...
Yeah this...

The soft touch, the smoothness.

They probably actually are the psychopaths, the weak and the needy - they just know how to hide it better than the rest.
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Old 17th October 2017, 8:53 PM   #47
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Hey Bourne,

Sorry you are struggling. I know that crazy jealous feeling, and it makes it really hard to know if you're just overreacting or there really is something there. What I do to help with this is think of someone that I DON'T have those jealous feelings for. There is someone in my life who is very loyal and dependable and I trust him implicitly. I think of him, and spend a few minutes feeling gratitude for his presence in my life. Then I think about why I don't feel the same for this guy. It's because he's proven himself to be untrustworthy. Maybe it's your mind's way of telling you something. It's an anxious form of attachment, and painful as it is, maybe that's something that feels familiar to you, so you try to cling to it.

NC works best for me too. I'm struggling with a few aspects of that (SM) but I am for the most part able to stay physically away from him. I am working on really letting him go. Let him go do what he's going to do, because he's never going to be able to be that trustworthy guy.
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Old 18th October 2017, 12:54 PM   #48
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Hi Bourne,

I'm not going back to him. Not even as a friend. I tried that before - I offered my friendship, and he promised that we wouldn't be involved again. Three days later he was enticing me into his car again, bait-and-switching me into going to my place instead of where we'd planned to go. I was ready to give up and give in to him at that point, just do whatever he asked of me. And then the next day I found out he'd lied to me, and was either dating or trying to date the woman he was triangulating me with. It was crushing, and at that point I decided never to go back.

So, I don't really believe that kindness lure he set for me in the beginning was ever real. I think it's his front. It's what I needed so badly, and I think he knew that. I still want to believe, and I tried so many times to get back to that. But it never came back, and I just kept getting bitten over and over again.

As for him having a porn addiction or having been abused - could be. I think he had a difficult upbringing in a poor and violent country. He probably does need counseling. But I've learned that I can't be the one to help him. And I learned that I need to heal myself.

Hope you're doing ok.
Jah526, I also got caught up in the friendship-following-the-affair ruse, and somewhere along that line, I was able to get xMM to (realize? and) admit to me that he would not be offering friendship without sex, i.e., an affair.

So, there's that...

I bolded what you wrote and thought No wiser words were ever spoken. Having worked through my own issue of trying to "heal" or "help" a grown, married man with problems 1) he came to the R with and 2) that weren't my own has helped me to recognize I have a penchant for codependency. Not only can I not solve his problems, they are his and his wife's/family's to either deal or not deal with...

I freed myself, and it comes across as if you did too, to help and heal myself, a woman to whom I owe a massive amount of allegiance.
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Old 19th October 2017, 6:34 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
Hey Bourne,

Sorry you are struggling. I know that crazy jealous feeling, and it makes it really hard to know if you're just overreacting or there really is something there. What I do to help with this is think of someone that I DON'T have those jealous feelings for. There is someone in my life who is very loyal and dependable and I trust him implicitly. I think of him, and spend a few minutes feeling gratitude for his presence in my life. Then I think about why I don't feel the same for this guy. It's because he's proven himself to be untrustworthy. Maybe it's your mind's way of telling you something. It's an anxious form of attachment, and painful as it is, maybe that's something that feels familiar to you, so you try to cling to it.

NC works best for me too. I'm struggling with a few aspects of that (SM) but I am for the most part able to stay physically away from him. I am working on really letting him go. Let him go do what he's going to do, because he's never going to be able to be that trustworthy guy.

Really good stuff her, Jah.

I'm doing better... I'll blame chick hormones that, during the right time of the month make me want him, and make me wicked jealous. And yes, jealousy is a reminder and my mind's way of telling me "hey genius, this one isn't for you. Even if he was yours, you'd be waiting up for him because you don't trust what he's up to."

Yesterday and today were better. I love the comment about appreciating people (and men) in your life that you can count on, that are always there for you and aren't after sex.

There are points where I just care about him and want him to be happy, but feel okay and separate, and I just want to get there again. The jealousy is irritating, unnecessary and completely ridiculous in a work setting.

Anyway... doing okay. It's still LC, but it's definitely cooled off a lot lately which is good.
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Old 19th October 2017, 10:24 PM   #50
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I am still so confused. I deal with people everyday who are just crappy people. They're mean and hurtful, but at least you know that they are.

But this guy... he was a soft touch. He shielded me from these others and was my safe harbor. His words were soothing, and after talking with him I always felt calm and happy. And then he turned into a completely different person, someone I didn't know. It was like a bunny suddenly turning into a snake.

I am still not sure if this was all part of his game plan. I know after things got physical he told me he was "looking for a f*** buddy", so I have to assume that this manipulation was all part of the game. That it was intentional. That maybe he saw a vulnerability in me, and exploited it.

I really don't understand how I could've fallen for it. And there are times when I look at him and still see just a big lovable goofball. He keeps that snake very well hidden, so much so that you forget it's even there.

That's why he's dangerous. It still scares the crap out of me that I was suckered so easily.
Wow. This a foresight to what I presume will happen if I donít figure things out.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:05 PM   #51
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Wow, I feel like all the stars have aligned today. Looks like the girl I was worried about is dating someone. MM is posting nice things to his wife. Feels like all is right with the world again. I'm alone again, naturally, but that's really not anything new. I'm happy for this girl that she didn't fall for MM. And I'm honestly happy for MM if he's working on his marriage.

I'm not really sure how to feel about this in relation to how I'm going to deal with MM going forward. I've avoided him almost completely for several months now. I do feel a bit bad about things. I misjudged this girl, I think, mainly. I do believe he would've gone there if she'd been ok with it, and I think he was trying. I still believe I can't be friends with him, unfortunately, because he'll just try to restart things.

I guess once in awhile you find out good things on SM. I feel a bit more free of this obsession today.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:31 PM   #52
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Not really free... free would be indifference to it all. It should not matter who he is with. I get it, I do, but you are aiming for indifference.

Don't let this steer you from the course. You are free and he is a predator. He is not the right person for you. Be strong.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:38 PM   #53
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Not really free... free would be indifference to it all.
I agree, but I think I'm slowly getting there. For whatever reason, I just didn't want him to move on to her. Probably because I knew her and I knew he wanted her, and he kind of waved that in front of my face. Now, whoever he moves on to, it won't be someone he was triangulating me with. So it feels like a bit of relief.

I plan to maintain my distance as much as possible. It's been working pretty well so far.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:43 PM   #54
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Not really free... free would be indifference to it all. It should not matter who he is with. I get it, I do, but you are aiming for indifference.

Don't let this steer you from the course. You are free and he is a predator. He is not the right person for you. Be strong.
Thanks for this deadsoul. You are right, I am not at indifference. I am still very much obsessed. I am still checking FB all the time, whenever I get triggered (like today). That doesn't happen too much on weekends, but during weekdays I really struggle with it. I was apparently wrong about this girl dating someone. And I still have a feeling something is going on.

I talked with someone tonight who said I get little pieces of information and my mind fills in the blanks with a story. He was right. I started to write this and then said "it should be so easy - just delete the accounts".

And then I knew I had to bite the bullet and do it. I've requested permanent deletion of my accounts. Both my "normal" one and the one I was using to keep tabs.

I feel like a fraud for dispensing advice to others, when I haven't been doing all I can do to stay away either. Apologies for that.

I hope I survive this. The person I talked to reminded me that no matter how terrible I feel, imagine what his wife is going through. I feel for her. I would never want to be married to someone like him.
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Old 1st November 2017, 1:38 PM   #55
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Depending on his wife, she might not care about his cheating. My exMM wife actually found it exciting to win back her husband and having a man that OW want was a good thing in her eyes. She obviously realized who her husband is and is okay with sharing him. He contacted me recently and shared with me that he is in another relationship with another woman. I realized I have no feelings for him and his wife is enjoying their marriage. I felt the same way you did at one time but honestly, give it a year or so, and it won't even matter. He won't even cross your mind unless he contacts you and then you'll see the person he really is and kick yourself for ever falling for his crap.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:11 PM   #56
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Depending on his wife, she might not care about his cheating. My exMM wife actually found it exciting to win back her husband and having a man that OW want was a good thing in her eyes. She obviously realized who her husband is and is okay with sharing him. He contacted me recently and shared with me that he is in another relationship with another woman. I realized I have no feelings for him and his wife is enjoying their marriage. I felt the same way you did at one time but honestly, give it a year or so, and it won't even matter. He won't even cross your mind unless he contacts you and then you'll see the person he really is and kick yourself for ever falling for his crap.
I don't think this is the case with him. He comes from a very male-dominated society and so does his wife. He told me she was never going to find out. She may suspect (or not) but I think she is powerless to say or do anything.

He can't contact me. I had him delete my contact info. He's either on to the next one, or searching.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:52 PM   #57
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Well if his wife never knows she won't be hurt and if she does find out she is not powerless to do something as she too has options, especially if she is married to him. This guy is probably still seeing that girl or hunting for another one.
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Old 5th November 2017, 9:55 AM   #58
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I think he's really angry with me. I've crossed paths with him a few times in the last few weeks, and have gotten a few hard, angry glares. I'm not sure how many times I've broken NC, maybe 5 times, so I think he expected I'd do it again. I haven't.

On Friday I left work laughing and joking with a male (single) coworker, and MM was right behind us. I saw him going to the elevator where a pretty girl was standing, going right up to talk to her. And I felt... nothing. Actually, I smiled a little to myself, thinking the leopard doesn't change his spots.

Anyway, I was kind of glad he saw me with someone else, because he spent so long trying to tear down my self-esteem. It was a little triumph to know that he saw that someone likes me for me.
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Old 5th November 2017, 11:44 AM   #59
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I would suggest jealousy of the new OW (who either exists now or will soon) isn't needed. YES, it is possibly true that MM will "treat her better" - which means he will have learned from his experience with you and will do a better job keeping the new OW hooked and compliant for a longer period than he did with you. That's actually a worse fate in my view. The longer one is stuck in a distressing go-nowhere affair with a lying MM, the worse off one is. IMO. Hopefully this realization brings some comfort.
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Old 5th November 2017, 12:14 PM   #60
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I think he's really angry with me. I've crossed paths with him a few times in the last few weeks, and have gotten a few hard, angry glares. I'm not sure how many times I've broken NC, maybe 5 times, so I think he expected I'd do it again. I haven't.

On Friday I left work laughing and joking with a male (single) coworker, and MM was right behind us. I saw him going to the elevator where a pretty girl was standing, going right up to talk to her. And I felt... nothing. Actually, I smiled a little to myself, thinking the leopard doesn't change his spots.

Anyway, I was kind of glad he saw me with someone else, because he spent so long trying to tear down my self-esteem. It was a little triumph to know that he saw that someone likes me for me.
Don't let any of that matter... whether he's mad at you, whether he's flirting with someone else, or even whether he is jealous you are talking to someone else.

Did you stop looking at social media?

Your focus is YOU. YOU only. Becoming strong for you. Getting your dignity for you. Stay the course so you can heal.

I know it's easier said than done.
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