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When does the pain end


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th September 2017, 7:32 PM   #1
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When does the pain end

It's been six months. I broke it off after 5 years of being the OW. Just needed to end it. After 4 months he chimed back in with another attempt to get me back which didn't work. However I still think if him. Painful still at times. Anybody feel the same? How long will it take to move on totally?
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Old 28th September 2017, 9:33 PM   #2
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I wish I knew. How long did it take with other relationships you were in?

For me, it always takes a long time to get over someone. I've been 3 mo. NC (or as close as I can get since he and I work in the same building). It is getting easier I think, but there are times when I really miss some things about him. This is what I don't understand - why do we tend to remember the good stuff and forget the bad? I force myself to focus on the bad and that reminds me that I can't ever go back.

Lately I've been thinking of him as a sticky devil, or napalm, and that kind of makes me feel better. It helps me visualize the struggle of getting him off of me. But to be fair, it's not really him causing me problems anymore, it's me and my own obsession with him.
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Old 29th September 2017, 3:54 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oceansaway View Post
It's been six months. I broke it off after 5 years of being the OW. Just needed to end it. After 4 months he chimed back in with another attempt to get me back which didn't work. However I still think if him. Painful still at times. Anybody feel the same? How long will it take to move on totally?
can you share with me the reason why you broke up with him after so many years ? im in the middle of leaving him too....he keep trying to pull me back, i cant take the pain anymore,he is reconciling with his wife, and posted their happy family picture on FB, he told his wife that he has leave me, but im actually still with him, so , i am leaving....the pain is just too much to take....whats ur reason
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Old 29th September 2017, 12:38 PM   #4
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Yeah it does get better. I was unknowingly the other woman for 6 years and imagine I found out he was married through Facebook. It hurts like hell..you go through days you think the pain will kill you ,days you don't want to wake up and days just pass you by.I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. The married men rarely care for their affair partners as they do their wives. He won't care that you're hurting. He will post pictures with his wife,play happy families and do a lot of stuff for her. He won't care that you can see or access his Facebook or Instagram. From my own experience I would like to encourage all other women that it definitely gets better. STOP checking out his social media..just stop. That's stabbing yourself in the heart over and over again. You have to realise your married man is a selfish individual that did was was best for him. Be strong ,be determined and let him go. Do not settle for less. I am still in a lot of pain and he left me with a child that looks so much like him but I try not to romanticize him .i see him for what he is. I've chosen to never check his social media for my own peace of mind and concentrate on rebuilding my life. You can do it too. And when you miss him a lot or think about him,instead of reaching out to him please come in here and go through other people's experiences.You will realize that it will never change If you keep up the affair. He will also never leave his wife for you and will keep you in this pain for a long time. LOVE YOURSELF MORE .

Last edited by Tiana09; 29th September 2017 at 1:25 PM.. Reason: Additional information.
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Old 29th September 2017, 2:05 PM   #5
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Oceansaway, your affair was five years! Six months is not a very long time to recover from a five year involvement. Be patient with yourself.

Like jah526, it takes me a long time to get over relationships. The last guy, before the married man, it took me two years to actually be OK without pretending at all to be. The only guy I had been in love with, it took me years to get over everything, but that was because I allowed him to keep returning to my life. I still care about what happens to him, but I don't think about him that much anymore. This is how I know that ONE DAY the pain will go away that I feel for xMM being gone from my life.

When? How long? It depends on the person. I have found that limited and/or NO CONTACT will help to put that person out of my daily life so that my days are filled with anything or anyone else and THAT will become the new norm... Then, taking the focus off of him and placing it on myself and what I need or want to do helps tremendously. Seeing him as a person just trying his best to get by in his life, like me, helps too. Seeing that we weren't right or good for each other, that we didn't have the others' best interests at heart, also helps.
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Old 29th September 2017, 8:33 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by ice3784 View Post
can you share with me the reason why you broke up with him after so many years ? im in the middle of leaving him too....he keep trying to pull me back, i cant take the pain anymore,he is reconciling with his wife, and posted their happy family picture on FB, he told his wife that he has leave me, but im actually still with him, so , i am leaving....the pain is just too much to take....whats ur reason
For the same reasons as you. Just done being used by him. I know I was his mental escape from his boring life. I'm sure in a way I helped him cope and in a way made his marriage better. Now he'll have to deal with reality
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:57 PM   #7
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Five years is a long time. Back in the day I think I was out 8 or so when doing the in-person goodbye thing. Took me about three years or so to recover. Lots of anger. Guy thing I guess. We're socially approved to express anger. Channeled it into volunteer work and athletic stuff to get it out.

One big difference was, back then, NC was fairly easy. Only means of contact was mail or phone. After I mailed MW's love letters and cards to her husband, NC was easy Never a peep after that.

I believe NC is essential to healing. I also believe, now, accepting the reality that there was an affair, a love, and a death to that love, and grieving that death is essential to healing. Up to you. I didn't get that last part the first time around so had to beat myself up some more a generation later to get it right. Don't be me.
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:20 PM   #8
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Vets have seen this post before so they may save time by skipping it��

Rule One for the predatory type of MM in an A is that it's always easier to keep the OW than it is to locate, groom and seduce a replacement OW.

Therefore, you should ascribe zero importance to his recent contact with you.
His Motives are selfishness combined with laziness and a lack of empathy for you.

Rule One for anybody in a relationship is the one who cares the least has the most power in the relationship. Who do you think that is here? His thoughts of you have essentially been this: Should I call her yet or wait longer to see if we can get back together for some fun? Not exactly deep contemplation or self-reflection.

Indifference is your goal. Don't give him any head space. There is nothing worthwhile there for you. Block him from electronic communication. Ask any teenager how to do this on phones, tablets etc.

Last edited by Bufo; 30th September 2017 at 1:21 PM.. Reason: Forgot a
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