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Is it wrong to feel hurt?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 24th September 2017, 3:10 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Also some married couples will play sex games and if his wife was aware of the talking between you two then she may have been aware of more than you think and may have been turned on by it too or even watched..., it is a possibility, especially with the threesome history.
You are not talking about some normal guy at work who you got close to, this was an arrangement for "kinky" sex, so you do not really know what you are dealing with here...
That's funny because I have a sneaking suspicion that his wife knows about this game as well. His wife is pretty open sexually if she allowed a 3 way with her husband so she obviously doesn't mind sharing him if it get's her off.
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Old 24th September 2017, 3:36 PM   #17
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Not necessarily if it was the first time and didn't work out that well. Many people have a curiosity about that sort of thing and consider trying it once, or get talked into it once because their partner was into it. There's all sorts.
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Old 24th September 2017, 3:57 PM   #18
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My friend thinks he only feels bad now cause of the guilt but in a few weeks or months it'll pass and he'll come back again. It has literally been awful from start to finish. Sorry for going on but I needed a vent. I just don't know what to do? I don't even feel like I could tell him how I feel cause it's like he won't want to know.
Yes. This. He's had a taste but feels guilty. That will pass, and he'll be back. First as friends, which will spin into more.

I was physical with my xMM just once. His overwhelming guilt, which he described as sobbing as he drove back to his friend's house, lasted all of 12 hours. At which point we began texting nonstop. Within 2 weeks, he was suggesting I fly up to where he was staying for work, and have a 3 day reunion/sex romp. I squashed the idea out of my own guilt.

These men may feel guilty. But they're out to have an affair, and will shove the guilt and regret down to do it. Something is driving it. And until your MM figures out why he's doing this, he's unlikely to stop.

That means YOU have to stop. And don't delude yourself. You CANNOT be friends. It just doesn't work. Your posts suggests you've already proven this over and over (friends, flirting, serious talk, less contact -- and repeat).
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Old 24th September 2017, 4:58 PM   #19
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You are getting all lovesick over a guy who when it came down to it, treated you more or less like a booty call, and he couldn't wait to get rid of you after having sex.
Get real.

MM are often good at this, and any women who will put up with it is a fool to herself.

He will blow hot and cold, keep her waiting on a string and at his beck and call, give her enough emotional connection to make her think there is something there, get sex, then blow so cold until she is distraught, then turn up again once he is horny blowing kisses...
It is addictive the highs are so high, the lows so low.
Do not believe me, just spend some time on the OW forum and listen to the stories...

Run away as fast as your little legs will take you or you will still be here in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years time, moaning about how he never keeps his promises, how happy he, his wife and kids look on FB, how he is never going to leave his wife or how on Dday he threw you under a bus...
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Old 24th September 2017, 5:44 PM   #20
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You are getting all lovesick over a guy who when it came down to it, treated you more or less like a booty call, and he couldn't wait to get rid of you after having sex.
Get real.
Yeah, I read something recently along these lines that's helping me look at actions instead of words. It was that a guy doesn't really know how he feels about a woman until 30 seconds after he comes. At that point he'll either make a beeline for the door or he'll be thinking about how much he loves this woman.

It's confusing for us women because we listen to what he's saying BEFORE sex. You have to watch what he does immediately after if you want the truth.
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Old 24th September 2017, 6:21 PM   #21
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Yeah, I read something recently along these lines that's helping me look at actions instead of words. It was that a guy doesn't really know how he feels about a woman until 30 seconds after he comes. At that point he'll either make a beeline for the door or he'll be thinking about how much he loves this woman.

It's confusing for us women because we listen to what he's saying BEFORE sex. You have to watch what he does immediately after if you want the truth.
Yes, much better he says little but after sex, hugs you all night doesn't want to let you go and is happy sitting down for breakfast and planning your next trip away...
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Old 25th September 2017, 12:27 PM   #22
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Thanks for all the messages. I'm feeling a good bit better. I deleted the number. Unfortunately I didn't think to block first but I deleted it cause I was embarrassing myself.

It's funny reading the replies here cause they're so true. The whole guilty thing is just nonsense. It was after about half hour he felt guilty. Tried to say he did it cause things haven't been the greatest in the house the past few weeks. Funny, this has went on longer than a few weeks. Then it changed to - I think the problem is I can't relax here incase she comes home. I laughed with my mate saying how when she came home from work he probably told her how much he loved her and has worshipped her since.

On the topic of after sex. We sat in bed for about 2 - 3 mins kissing after it, then went down for a cigarette. After that it was kissing and cuddling until he felt guilty. Even when he said he felt guilty we were still kissing. Then he changed.

Tbh i think the main problem with me is it has tattered my self esteem. I have became a joke. It was always him, he controlled everything. He decided one minute it was friends, he decided when we spoke, he invited me up. One minute he was hot next cold. He decided everything and me being a mug went along with it. I tried too hard to please him. Yes I agree with what was wrote - one minute you feel on top of the world the next you feel like dirt.

But I know he will be back. I made it too easy for him. I threw myself at him. I'm not saying it will be this week, month whatever. But he will be back. Curiosity will get the better of him. He loved the attention I give to him and he'll miss it. He'll al so wonder what I'm doing and if I've met someone or anything. Yes now he doesn't want to know. Ignores me now and acts like I don't matter. But he'll sit one day after the 'guilt' passes and contact. If he was serious about it and that guilty he would of cut contact then. But I just need to get my head together and just tell him where to go. I'm worth more than a bit on the side fighting for scraps of attention. You'd rather be alone that being disrespected. Work on yourself.
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Old 26th September 2017, 6:00 AM   #23
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Why don't you just block him so he can't reach you if you really feel guilty? There's nothing for you to gain by not blocking him from contacting you.
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Old 27th September 2017, 12:52 PM   #24
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Cool

I agree with everyone on here, but waiting for him to contact you first by just removing instead of blocking his number is only going to wind up being detrimental to your health.

Save your ego and self esteem by getting off on the fact that when he does, he will be the one shot down.

You are eliminating chances of recovering with pride and dignity still intact and you can do so much better.

Let us know what you decide to do. I'm rooting for you to make the best decision by you.
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Old 27th September 2017, 7:26 PM   #25
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I agree with everyone on here, but waiting for him to contact you first by just removing instead of blocking his number is only going to wind up being detrimental to your health.

Save your ego and self esteem by getting off on the fact that when he does, he will be the one shot down.

You are eliminating chances of recovering with pride and dignity still intact and you can do so much better.

Let us know what you decide to do. I'm rooting for you to make the best decision by you.
This may not apply here (or maybe I’m being dumb), but for me it depends on just how resolved I am. I recently deleted a man’s number instead of blocking, because I was concerned that in a moment of weakness, I might gloss over what a dick he is, and only remember the good times (which were really good), and I might find some excuse to contact him again and then end up in the same crappy cycle I’ve already been in. (I do find it is easier to forget the bad times as compared to the good times). Since I deleted him without blocking him, I have no way of contacting him since I don’t know his number and it is unlisted. So, IF and when he contacts me again, I’m hoping I’ll be over him and be able to do the smart thing and ignore it. Whereas if I was completely repulsed by the guy and was 100% done with him no matter what, I’d just block it.

(edit) And I’m just talking generally here. The man I am talking about in this post is single and unattached.

Last edited by Veronica73; 27th September 2017 at 7:29 PM.. Reason: Addition
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Old 29th September 2017, 1:34 PM   #26
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yolo87, you are well within your right to feel all your feelings on the complete spectrum of feelings! I understand that your focus has been on him, but you will be better served by focusing on you. Upthread, you asked yourself some questions, and I am under the impression that these are questions you have never asked yourself before. Keep asking! Really think about the answers and ask yourself more questions. You'll learn to have a better relationship with YOU - which is of grand importance, because it will help you set boundaries for yourself now and into the future. This was a learning experience for you,and in several of your posts, you are working this out. Try to learn as much as you can, and resolve to never do it again. It is not worth it inviting this kind of pain and drama into your life...

Furthermore, understand what this man has done (i.e., helping you to make a mess in your life), and make a decision about you want to deal with him in the future and resolve to do just that if/when he contacts you again. In this way, you will be retaking your power.
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:06 PM   #27
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Bit of an update -

Got a message mid week. Came as a surprise. Was only a handful of messages but they were friendly and jokey he was saying he was under the weather then he stopped talking. The next day I text asking did he feel better and was just ignored. Got a text few days later saying no. I replied later that night and got one word answers. Sorta was like whatever and messsaged saying what's the point. He came back with if you want to go, go it's your decision type of thing. Attempted to tell him how I felt about the situation. Tried to say I felt a bit used and stuff. Came back with his head is messed up. He doesn't understand why he said things to me and why we met. He only wants friends and that is all.

I don't know how to feel. I think I was always confused as to why he still wants to be friends but I think it's obvious he is saving face now. Obviously wants to keep me sweet incase I blab and will just let it fade out.

So in all of this I was used as a boredom diversion in a marriage. He obviously wasn't getting the attention he needed so he went to me. Now after we met he has realised what he's done and of course now I'm kicked to the curb. So that's the reality. No fantasy thinking that this person was so into me and was so confused. Nope I made it easy for him and he took me for a ride.

Gonna mope about the rest of the weekend. Feel like crap and a bit worthless. So gonna feel sorry for myself until Monday then gonna get my ass into gear. Just have to try and not think about it or over think. It is what it is. Nothing i can do about it. Just got to learn from it. Self esteem has taken a beaten though. Essentially I let myself be the OW, an experiment and now I was proven just how little i was thought of.

Meh. I'll look back and laugh.
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