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Is it wrong to feel hurt?


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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:51 PM   #1
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Is it wrong to feel hurt?

Ok. Stupid question - and I brought it on myself, only myself to blame. But I still feel totally hurt and just need to vent.

Earlier this year I decided to have a 3some with a married couple. We chatted leading up to it and the husband and me hit it off. Not to go into the details but it didn't really work the 3 of us but I left with keep in touch etc. I sort of felt a connection with the husband but thought nothing of it.

The next day to my surprise he text me. This started us texting constantly. By the end of the week we had been chatting on Skype and talking nearly every minute of the day. We ended up having to have a concessation about respecting boundaries and friendship. This only lasted a few days then we were back to flirty exchanges etc. It got a bit too much where I had to take a break for a few days to clear my head. One minute it was full on, next we were mates. Anyhow, this went on for about a month. He was nearly caught chatting to me on Skype and he freaked out. Said it felt like an affair. I was totally honest and suggested we left it there but he was adamant we could be mates. Suggested another break, and didn't speak for a few days. When we did it sort of fizzled out. Maybe talking one day a week to once every few weeks then we didn't speak for about 3 months. I thought he came to his senses and just left it how it was.

All of a sudden 3 months later I got a text out of the blue. I just felt like - great here we go again. Within talking a few days once again we had to have the chat again. He told me that if he was single it woUldale be different and he could never cheat on his wife. I agreed and everything was OK. Then he became a bit jealous when I would have said I was going out. Always asking who with. If I was chatting with other guys etc. We had been chatting a few weeks - same stuff Skype constant texting etc. One night he had a few drinks in him. We were talking about meeting up for a drink just as mates. Then he asked me outright was i happy with mates or did I want more. I was taken aback and said that it was unfair he said that to me. Anyway, it was just awkward after that. I tried talking but there was an elephant in the room. It got to the stage where I called him out on it. Apparently he was just interested in me as a friend and if I couldn't handle it I knew where to go. So I left. Blocked him.

After a few weeks or so I was wondering if we could just be mates. I enjoyed talking to him. We got on well. Had same sense of humour. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Decided to text and got back straight away. That very day he invited me to his house later on in the week. Every thing was how it was before. Then he ghosted me all week. Afer that it was just weird again. He was acting strange and didn't seem to care. Then it got a bit better. Anyway, over the weeks the talking intensified. We were on Skype or talking on the phone every day. But he kept inviting me up when the Mrs wasn't around. But he kept saying it then changing his mind. It got more frequent. He invited me up then changed his mind. I got pissed off. I ended up telling him not to mess me around. If we're mates we are mates etc.

We didn't speak for about a week after that. I messaged cause I missed chatting to him. Straight again it was inviting me up. I was like OK but this is it. Not messing around. I agreed to come up but I was half expecting it not to happen. So later that week we got talking and he said he wanted to be completely honest. He asked what i wanted and i said fun. He said he wanted more than thar. He told me he wanted me but wasn't prepared to leave his wife. He told me he had feelings for me. He said he didn't want me to go with anyone else. He wanted me to himself. I just said we will talk about it in person. I expected him to back out. The day before I went up I gave him a chance to change his mind. I said i understood and I'd have no hard feelings if he changed his mind. But he didn't.

I went up not knowing what to expect. I didn't know if we would do anything. If we would just talk or it would turn sexual. We met up and within 5 mins it did turn sexual. Not to go into too much details but it didn't feel awkward or anything. About 30 mins later the atmosphere changed. I sorta felt it straight away. I asked him was he ok and he said he felt awful. He said he can't do this he's not the type etc. I said I'd understand if he wanted us to stop talking but he said no he still wants me as a friend. I could see the guilt rise in him and in a way he hinted for me to go. Before I left he told me to delete all our messages and we would start fresh. I asked him about 5 times if he thought it was best we stopped talking and he always said no.

I came home feeling hurt. Obviously no reason to be given what I did. But I just couldn't understand how he was just so abrupt about it after. The next day I messaged and it was like he didn't want to know. I asked him how he was feeling etc. And as I said he just passed himself. I messaged a few days later and it was the same. Didnt even ask how I was and just stopped talking mid conversaction.

I just feel so used if that's the word. This situation has shattered my self esteem. What gets to me more is it was more of an emotional affair. How can you feel guilty about physical sex but not feel guilty about telling someone you want them? It's been a few days with no contact but it's been awful. I don't know how to feel. It just feels like he got what he wanted all along then when he realised it wasn't for him he has just tossed me to the side.

I would respect him more if he said he didn't want contact. I'm not proud of myself. I feel awful at what I did. But is there anyway you can be friends or on taking terms with someone after this? My friend thinks he only feels bad now cause of the guilt but in a few weeks or months it'll pass and he'll come back again. It has literally been awful from start to finish. Sorry for going on but I needed a vent. I just don't know what to do? I don't even feel like I could tell him how I feel cause it's like he won't want to know.
I.
.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:18 PM   #2
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Quote:
But is there anyway you can be friends or on taking terms with someone after this? My friend thinks he only feels bad now cause of the guilt but in a few weeks or months it'll pass and he'll come back again. It has literally been awful from start to finish.
I think your friend is right. The guy is clearly into you and is probably never going to be able to maintain boundaries for long.

When you're still attracted, trying to 'just be friends' with someone tends to, at best, lead to occasional outbreaks of resentment and frustration about all the things you want to say and do and can't. So either you have a friendship punctuated by occasionally blowing up at each other and refusing to speak to each other, or you have a friendship punctuated by occasionally falling into bed together and then feeling awful about it.

You keep trying to leave it up to him, but what HE wants is "everything". Leaving you, just to protect you, is not something he wants. If you want to protect yourself from this mess you will have to make that choice yourself.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:31 PM   #3
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I think he just wanted more sex and to see if it was more exciting without his wife being there. He obviously felt guilty for cheating and thought he would take this opportunity to have OP delete all the texts between them so there would be no proof.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:32 PM   #4
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Thanks for the reply.

I think what makes it more frustrating is the talk we had a few weeks ago. He made it more than just sex. He was the one that said he wanted more and now he feels guilty? As I said, sex is sex. You can literally have sex with anyone. But the emotional stuff - I just can't get my head around it. And the whole 'starting fresh' stuff. How can you possibly forget about what happened?

I keep trying to walk away. I'm not being dramatic when I say it's been an awful situation to be in. It has messed with me head. Controlled my emotions. It's been awful. But I just can't seem to let go. It's like I'm addicted to him. Every time I block or stop talking I start to think we're just being stupid and we can just be friends.

My mate also said to me that if he truly felt guilty he would just cut contact. She said that if he felt as bad as he was saying, nothing woUld jeopardise his marriage. She had a similar situation where she felt something for someone and she just had to cut it out.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:45 PM   #5
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I think you need to figure out what you want first

This mm most probably will be back when he have urges again .

But he has made it clear he wants you ..but will not leave his wife ...the question remains what do you want ?

Men do not invite other woman as friends to thier home on occasions where wife is away .his intentions were set and clear from beginning.

He even told you to delete all msgs between you guys ...he is covering his tracks so his wife does not find out...what do you feel about that ?

Where do you want to take this?
Are you okay to play the ow ?

From your post you are already way in deep .this what happened so far would be the content of your relationship with him it would just rinse and repeat. Months and years .

Yes you do have the right to feel hurt .

But

What do you want for yourself ?
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:48 PM   #6
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Look, as far as all the emotional conversation goes most men know they have to talk along those lines to get laid. They know that kind of talk is what lands women in between the sheets. So don't put too much thought in what he said but look at what he does.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:57 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Look, as far as all the emotional conversation goes most men know they have to talk along those lines to get laid. They know that kind of talk is what lands women in between the sheets. So don't put too much thought in what he said but look at what he does.
I understand fully. But at the same time it was pointless cause whenever he always suggested meeting, I always agreed. It wasn't like he had to hook line and sinker me with the smooth talk. First time he said about meeting I was up for it. But I do agree with the whole actions speak louder than words.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:59 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by pheonixrisen View Post
I think you need to figure out what you want first

This mm most probably will be back when he have urges again .

But he has made it clear he wants you ..but will not leave his wife ...the question remains what do you want ?

Men do not invite other woman as friends to thier home on occasions where wife is away .his intentions were set and clear from beginning.

He even told you to delete all msgs between you guys ...he is covering his tracks so his wife does not find out...what do you feel about that ?

Where do you want to take this?
Are you okay to play the ow ?

From your post you are already way in deep .this what happened so far would be the content of your relationship with him it would just rinse and repeat. Months and years .

Yes you do have the right to feel hurt .

But

What do you want for yourself ?
Honestly - I need to work that out. I always said I wanted fun. But the way it's been left - with the whole no more fun If that's all I wanted I would just walk away. So obv I must be wanting more.

Maybe it's the attention I crave? Maybe in a weird way I love the attention I've been given and that's what is hard to swallow at the minute.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:03 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by yolo87 View Post
Honestly - I need to work that out. I always said I wanted fun. But the way it's been left - with the whole no more fun If that's all I wanted I would just walk away. So obv I must be wanting more.

Maybe it's the attention I crave? Maybe in a weird way I love the attention I've been given and that's what is hard to swallow at the minute.
Do you have any single men who are interested in you?
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Old 24th September 2017, 4:56 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by yolo87 View Post
It has literally been awful from start to finish.
.
Just a question? Are all your friends like this? I'm asking because you refer to this "relationship" as a "friendship" or you want to keep it "friendly", I'm putting words in parenthesis because you're calling this one thing when it's clearly another.

Again using your definition of friendship if all your friends are like this then you're a person constantly surrounded by drama, confusion, indecision and hurt. Those really don't sound like the ingredients of a "friendship". And there's not so much confusion in you are confused about what's going on, rather that you know what's going on and in seeking to justify it or reason with it you're going against your self esteem and moral boundaries.

Again this guy you want to be friends with but is cheating on his wife, dragging you through the mire and as you put it this whole situation has been awful from start to finish.

Friend.
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Old 24th September 2017, 6:21 AM   #11
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Just a question? Are all your friends like this? I'm asking because you refer to this "relationship" as a "friendship" or you want to keep it "friendly", I'm putting words in parenthesis because you're calling this one thing when it's clearly another.

Again using your definition of friendship if all your friends are like this then you're a person constantly surrounded by drama, confusion, indecision and hurt. Those really don't sound like the ingredients of a "friendship". And there's not so much confusion in you are confused about what's going on, rather that you know what's going on and in seeking to justify it or reason with it you're going against your self esteem and moral boundaries.

Again this guy you want to be friends with but is cheating on his wife, dragging you through the mire and as you put it this whole situation has been awful from start to finish.

Friend.
100% you're right.

I think at the start I was naive about it. I saw this person as someone I had a connection with, got on with and I was believing it was a friendship. But I think if you need to constantly talk boundaries with your friends there is something wrong.

I also think it's easy to downplay a situation by saying it's just a 'friendship'. Whenever you're in over your depth or whatever saying oh we're 'mates' in a way downplays it

I was always under the impression that cheating was kissing, fooling around or sex. I didn't realise that cheating can come in many forms. I was told that the wife knows we still talk. But it took me a while to realise that if she did, she obviously didn't know the extent of it.

But on the topic of friendship - I agree this isn't one. It's 2 people who are in the wrong who *think* they can be just friends. The fact is he said he felt guilty afterwards. That is 100% fine. That's why I suggested us stopping it there and then, to cut contact. But to still want to talk and to say once again we need to respect boundaries is a recipe for disaster.
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Old 24th September 2017, 11:24 AM   #12
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Do you ever sit and think what has my life become? I'm in my early 30's and essentially chasing a married man. Is that how pathetic I have become?

I messaged today and got the total brush off. Text back he wasn't well and would speak to me later. I know he won't. I don't even know why I even bothered to text. Maybe I somehow thought he had been thinking of me...but obviously he hasn't. It's obviously in my head. He hasn't even given me a second thought.

I feel so frustrated. I have invested so much of my time and feelings into this. He was the one that originally started this. He was the one that came back into my life. That filled my head up, that instigated a lot of this. Then now he doesn't want to even know? And I'm just meant to be ok with it?

I'm not innocent..I've never claimed to be. What I did was unfair and wrong I admit it. And I probably deserve to feel like this. But how can he not even feel something? How can he just go about his day like nothing happened?

It's easy to try and make yourself feel better. To say oh he will be back etc. But fact of the matter why would I even want that? I've had to delete his number cause I've just embarrassed myself too much now. But I know for a fact if in 2 weeks a months time he text I'll be straight back. It's like I can't break the circle. My self esteem has been rinsed.
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Old 24th September 2017, 12:13 PM   #13
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I don't see where you guys had that close of a relationship that you feel you totally can't resist him. This is just a guy who wanted more sex (specifically one on one sex) with you after he had the 3 some with his wife. It's not like he promised you a relationship, told you ILY, etc. I don't know why you find it hard to let him go. Again, are any single men pursuing you?
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Old 24th September 2017, 12:23 PM   #14
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I'm not innocent..I've never claimed to be. What I did was unfair and wrong I admit it. And I probably deserve to feel like this. But how can he not even feel something? How can he just go about his day like nothing happened?
Because he has a wife to focus his attention on.

It's much easier to shove you aside and not think about you at all when he's got other things going on. He doesn't feel lonely, or lost, or bereft. He's totally fine.

Oh, eventually he'll think about you again and feel a bit lonely, but not right now. He's got other things on his mind.

I don't think he 100% only cared about sex. Men do have feelings too, I think he does enjoy talking to you. But he enjoys his marriage more.
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Old 24th September 2017, 2:26 PM   #15
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I think the threesome gave him an opportunity to cheat and he couldn't quite get that out of his head so eventually took up the offer but either he was wracked with guilt or the reality did not live up to expectations maybe or perhaps once he called you up, he had sex and then he summarily dismissed you, that may have been the end of his fantasy, who knows?

Also some married couples will play sex games and if his wife was aware of the talking between you two then she may have been aware of more than you think and may have been turned on by it too or even watched..., it is a possibility, especially with the threesome history.
You are not talking about some normal guy at work who you got close to, this was an arrangement for "kinky" sex, so you do not really know what you are dealing with here...

Best forget and move on.

(btw I hope you did not have bareback sex with him but if you did, get yourself checked as soon as possible, as I guess he is a high risk contact).
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