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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st September 2017, 9:35 PM   #46
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Maybe I am naive in this subject, but does it really take 3 years to get divorced? How many assets do these people have? That doesn't make any sense to me.
I was reading online that a divorce can take 3 to 9 months. A year was the longest I saw. R u sure ur MM isn't lying to you?


it is normal for divorce to take years when it is contested. We live in US BTW. 3 to 9 months are really short unless is it uncontested.
He told her he wanted the divorce about a year ago and they are in mediation to reach an agreement.

there are several reasons he didn't start the process sooner, after they had the kid, she quit her job and stay home for a year, and also she had postpartum depression. there were also a lot of changes adjustment after the kid. Another reason is he is trying to get his finance together. Like I said, he spent all his saving on the fertility treatment. he worked two jobs and saved up enough money for attorney and also tried to get all the ducks in a row.

He had communicated with me about all those before hand. After some back and forth and one breakup, I made decision to be by his side. I know it was a risk, but when the time came, he came through and did what he said he would do.
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Old 21st September 2017, 9:38 PM   #47
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We have discussed about this. I understand it is going to take time giving the situation. after we finally move in together, if the kid has to stay over night, he could stay at his brother's place when it is his turn to have the kid.
"If" the child "has" to stay overnight... He is the child's father, is he not? Does he want to actually be a father to the child? Is he planning to ask for joint custody? Or, does he plan to support the child financially and not be involved in the child's life? Because obviously if he plans to be a father to the child, the child will be coming to stay with his father regularly...

And, asking the child to stay with his father at his uncles home when it's "his turn to have the kid" doesn't seem like a realistic or effective long term strategy. You will continue to stay in "your" home while he goes to stay with his son at his brothers place... really?

As a "step-girlfriend" to my boyfriends child, I will say that we ALWAYS put the child first. That is what you do, when you are a parent. Even before I met his child, I made decisions that were in the best interest of the child.

You are not going to like what I'm saying, but telling your boyfriend to stay with his brother when it's his turn to have the kid is about as selfish and inconsiderate as it gets...
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Last edited by BaileyB; 21st September 2017 at 9:45 PM..
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Old 21st September 2017, 9:46 PM   #48
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"If" the child "has" to stay overnight... He is the child's father, is he not? Does he want to actually be a father to the child? Is he planning to ask for joint custody? Or, does he plan to support the child financially and not be involved in the child's life? Because obviously if he plans to be a father to the child, the child will be coming to stay with his father regularly...

And, asking the child to stay with his father at his uncles home when it's "his turn to have the kid" doesn't seem like a realistic or effective long term strategy. You will continue to stay in "your" home while he goes to stay with his son at his brothers place... really?

Well, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and hoping that things might work out for you until this post. As a "step-girlfriend" to my boyfriends child, I will say that we ALWAYS put the child first. That is what you do, when you are a parent. Even before I met his child, I made decisions that were in the best interest of the child.

You are not going to like what I'm saying, but telling your boyfriend to stay with his brother when it's his turn to have the kid is about as selfish and inconsiderate as it gets...
If you read my previous posts, you should know I am not the issue here regarding the kid. I have no issue for the kids to stay with us. It is her that doesn't want that.

Yes, he is seeking joint custody and will pay child support, but she is fighting the joint custody, she wanted 100% custody and asking for supervised visit which is ridiculous. We are not the problem , she is which i understand because she is resentful toward use she is using he kid to
get back to us
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Old 21st September 2017, 9:51 PM   #49
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If you read my previous posts, you should know I am not the issue here regarding the kid. I have no issue for the kids to stay with us. It is her that doesn't want that.

Yes, he is seeking joint custody and will pay child support, but she is fighting the joint custody, she wanted 100% custody and asking for supervised visit which is ridiculous. We are not the problem , she is which i understand because she is resentful toward use she is using he kid to
get back to us
My apology, I was confused with another discussion.

Using the child to get back at you is obviously not acceptable. Clearly, this woman has her issues which makes his decision to have a child with her even more suspect...

But, it's also very obvious why she would be resentful. This is going to be a long, hard road for you...
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:02 PM   #50
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My apology, I was confused with another discussion.

Using the child to get back at you is obviously not acceptable. Clearly, this woman has her issues which makes his decision to have a child with her even more suspect...

But, it's also very obvious why she would be resentful. This is going to be a long, hard road for you...
No problem. I know. I think in the end she wanted the kid to save the marriage. My BF and I hope time will heal all the wound and that she can find someone else.

It is an unfortunate situation. We just hope she can come to the realization it is over. Just be civil for the kid. I hope she find someone else soon. I really do.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:07 PM   #51
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If you read my previous posts, you should know I am not the issue here regarding the kid. I have no issue for the kids to stay with us. It is her that doesn't want that.

Yes, he is seeking joint custody and will pay child support, but she is fighting the joint custody, she wanted 100% custody and asking for supervised visit which is ridiculous. We are not the problem , she is which i understand because she is resentful toward use she is using he kid to
get back to us
So he went through IVF, knowing all along that he was going to leave his wife and fight her for joint custody and give his kid a broken home. That is pretty disturbing, almost downright psychopathic. Who deliberately chooses this for a child before they even exist?

In your other thread you said the plan was for you to move in as soon as his wife moved out. When are you moving in?
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:22 PM   #52
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So he went through IVF, knowing all along that he was going to leave his wife and fight her for joint custody and give his kid a broken home. That is pretty disturbing, almost downright psychopathic. Who deliberately chooses this for a child before they even exist?

In your other thread you said the plan was for you to move in as soon as his wife moved out. When are you moving in?
Like I said in other thread, he had two options at the time, he chose the one that he thought was best for her. One thing I learnt from all this is that never judge some unless you are in their shoes. you are entitled to your opinions, we are no going to lose sleep over this.

We are doing out best to make most of this mess. Yes, we are moving together. We already had a date just working all the logistics.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:29 PM   #53
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Talked to my BF, he said since my setting is private and I don't need to do anything, Cause if I block her she would notice since i am sure she is checking my facebook. They are still going through the mediation so I don't want to do anything to hinder the progress of their divorce.

Filing a restraining order is not an option because they have a kid together.
Eventually you and him need to meet with her because some day their child is going to be around you. That's not going to be easy for her. I'm sure if the situation was reversed you'd feel the exact same way. This is why I suggested you make peace with her and rid of your anger towards her. Everybody has to put the child first.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:35 PM   #54
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If you read my previous posts, you should know I am not the issue here regarding the kid. I have no issue for the kids to stay with us. It is her that doesn't want that.

Yes, he is seeking joint custody and will pay child support, but she is fighting the joint custody, she wanted 100% custody and asking for supervised visit which is ridiculous. We are not the problem , she is which i understand because she is resentful toward use she is using he kid to
get back to us
Have you met the kids? I think family counseling is in order here, (how many kids do they have? You implied one but now you've said 'kids').

This whole facebook thing isn't the issue, you may think it is but it actually it's not. She wants to know more about you because if some day you are going to be helping raise their children she needs to know you a bit and build some trust that you are going to love and treat their kids well and not bash her to them or try to take her place as their mom. Please put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

Maybe visitation at first especially if you move in with him soon is a good idea. This way the kids have time to adjust and accept what is happening. It hasn't been that long since he moved out, right?
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:36 PM   #55
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Like I said in other thread, he had two options at the time, he chose the one that he thought was best for her. One thing I learnt from all this is that never judge some unless you are in their shoes. you are entitled to your opinions, we are no going to lose sleep over this.

We are doing out best to make most of this mess. Yes, we are moving together. We already had a date just working all the logistics.
Bolded, then you need to not judge her since you've not walked in her shoes. Just sayin' if you put that out there, you gotta take that in and see the irony here.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:50 PM   #56
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Bolded, then you need to not judge her since you've not walked in her shoes. Just sayin' if you put that out there, you gotta take that in and see the irony here.

thank you I see that.

And I know she hates me because in her mind, i steal her husband and burst her bubble of having a family with him I get that. I didn't get involved in this knowing he was MM, but i know it is no excuse to have a relationship in MM. Like many OW here, I never thought I would be OW, but it happened.

I feel sorry about the whole situation. and feel sorry for her too. That's why when she sent me nasty message/emails, I never responded or said anything. I just deleted. Even when she contacted the HR department of y company which caused a lot of problems for me, and threatened to come to my house to harm me. I still didn't file restraining order against her.

I am willing to make peace with her and be civil for the kid they have, but I think the ball is in her court and it will take times for her to let go all the anger and resentment.

No i have not met the kid. MM proposed to for me to meet him when he was taking out to the park I refused because I don't want to do this behind her back and without her permission. after all she is the mom.

They are working on a parent plan , i am sure issues such as visitation will be brought up. It is between them two. They will have to work it out.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:08 AM   #57
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thank you I see that.

And I know she hates me because in her mind, i steal her husband and burst her bubble of having a family with him I get that. I didn't get involved in this knowing he was MM, but i know it is no excuse to have a relationship in MM. Like many OW here, I never thought I would be OW, but it happened.

I feel sorry about the whole situation. and feel sorry for her too. That's why when she sent me nasty message/emails, I never responded or said anything. I just deleted. Even when she contacted the HR department of y company which caused a lot of problems for me, and threatened to come to my house to harm me. I still didn't file restraining order against her.

I am willing to make peace with her and be civil for the kid they have, but I think the ball is in her court and it will take times for her to let go all the anger and resentment.

No i have not met the kid. MM proposed to for me to meet him when he was taking out to the park I refused because I don't want to do this behind her back and without her permission. after all she is the mom.

They are working on a parent plan , i am sure issues such as visitation will be brought up. It is between them two. They will have to work it out.
- please stop referring tot he child as " the kid". That's rude.

also, none of this will be up to you. this child, quite frankly, is absolutely none of your business. I'm saying this gently,because unless you want to create an even bigger mess, stay out of anything to do with their child. You are not his stepmother, right now, you are, in the eyes of the law and in any other way, nothing to this child.

That may change in time, but for now, leave that situation alone.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:44 AM   #58
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We have discussed about this. I am in no hurry to be close to his kid. I understand it is going to take time giving the situation. after we finally move in together, if the kid has to stay over night, he could stay at his brother's place when it is his turn to have the kid.

I have no issue the kid to stay with us for that, but i understand she would not want it at least for the foreseeable future. I am not trying to be his son's step mom. I am his father's gf. That's all.
Op sorry you may have mentioned but i am not sure
Currently where is the mm living ? While hashing out the details of his divorce .
Still at his marital home or are you and mm already living together .
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:53 AM   #59
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Op sorry you may have mentioned but i am not sure
Currently where is the mm living ? While hashing out the details of his divorce .
Still at his marital home or are you and mm already living together .
Seems the marital home is his "family" home and is a premarital asset, but I guess his wife will be fighting over that, as she now has a child to consider.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 8:53 AM   #60
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- please stop referring tot he child as " the kid". That's rude.

also, none of this will be up to you. this child, quite frankly, is absolutely none of your business. I'm saying this gently,because unless you want to create an even bigger mess, stay out of anything to do with their child. You are not his stepmother, right now, you are, in the eyes of the law and in any other way, nothing to this child.

That may change in time, but for now, leave that situation alone.
OMG, didn't you read my post I have absolutely have no intention to get involved and specifically said I will leave them to work things out in terms of their child. Geeze.
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