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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 22nd September 2017, 2:48 PM   #16
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Well, it's over. Today was my last day at the job and I'll probably never see her again in person. Brings some closure.

I have come to accept that she'll always be just a friend. She's married, I'm married, it's just not worth it. I'll try finding love somewhere else, maybe even with my wife...

I'll write her sometime, though. It's a win to have her as a friend because she's such a pleasure to talk to.
Your wife 'loves you to death' - you don't have to find it, it's there. But if you don't think you can reciprocate, please let your poor wife know and let her find someone else who can love her
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Old 22nd September 2017, 3:02 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
Well, it's over. Today was my last day at the job and I'll probably never see her again in person. Brings some closure.

I have come to accept that she'll always be just a friend. She's married, I'm married, it's just not worth it. I'll try finding love somewhere else, maybe even with my wife...

I'll write her sometime, though. It's a win to have her as a friend because she's such a pleasure to talk to.
Hi EC:

I think you moving to another country starting a new job will help you to move on.

You mentioned your wife loves you to death. I am sure at one point you loved her. What has changed? what makes you fall out of love? Maybe there is a way to find the sparkle back when you are in a new environment.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 3:41 PM   #18
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Well, she was always a flirt. She was the first to offer me her phone number, cheekily jotted down in a napkin. We wrote each other by Whatsapp until my wife found out and got mad at our "friendly" messages.

I told my boss about it and she gave me her personal email to keep in contact. As I said, we kept things "friendly" but we started behaving to each other like, always checking in and keeping the other informed about our whereabouts when it really wasn't necessary.

She started working a lot with another team and I didn't see her so often. One day I texted her half-jockingly "hey, I'm gonna get jealous if you keep spending so much time with those guys, they're stealing my manager ". No answer. Expected. Then the next day she came to me actually giving me excuses! Telling me "you know, I really wasn't spending time with them, I've been working from home and doing other stuff", smiling all along.

But I know that even if I had had an affair with her and everything went magically well and we ended together, I'll still feel like a piece of crap becuase I'll ruin my wife's life.
Aside of all of that, what's the saying about dipping your pen in the company ink? If it blows up, you will be in absolute misery.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 3:42 PM   #19
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Your wife 'loves you to death' - you don't have to find it, it's there. But if you don't think you can reciprocate, please let your poor wife know and let her find someone else who can love her
true enough

op, don't mistake a crush for something more than it is.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:58 PM   #20
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Dammit, I always try to rationalize my feelings and end up with a broken heart. The truth is I'm feeling very sad for not having her anymore. She's everything I wish my wife would be, it will be very difficult to replace her.

About my wife, I was once in love with her but I feel I've outgrown her. It's been a long time I don't feel anything for her. It's awful. And I have asked her for divorce previously, several times, and she always made it impossible for me to leave, threatening suicide, threatening to ruin my life, or making me give in to her desperate pleas. So I feel I'm trapped and completely miserable.
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Old 24th September 2017, 6:22 PM   #21
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Dammit, I always try to rationalize my feelings and end up with a broken heart. The truth is I'm feeling very sad for not having her anymore. She's everything I wish my wife would be, it will be very difficult to replace her.

About my wife, I was once in love with her but I feel I've outgrown her. It's been a long time I don't feel anything for her. It's awful. And I have asked her for divorce previously, several times, and she always made it impossible for me to leave, threatening suicide, threatening to ruin my life, or making me give in to her desperate pleas. So I feel I'm trapped and completely miserable.
You are depending on others to make you happy. Stop that. It's not fair to you or them.

If you did end up with this ow full time,what do you think would happen? You woudl find out she had the same feet of clay as your wife ( as all of us), and that falling to earth can be really hard. I know you see her as perfect, but do you realize how much pressure that can be on her?

If you are as unhappy as you say, then find a way to leave your marriage and give yourself some time to explore your new life and who you are in it. If, after that, you still feel like you want to be with your ow, then do so.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:48 AM   #22
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You are depending on others to make you happy. Stop that. It's not fair to you or them.
This was one of the top takeaways I learned from my A.

I thought it was my husband's job to make me happy. And when he wasn't, I looked for someone else to make me happy. Someone to "fill in the gaps."

After a lot of pain and hurt, for both my H and myself, I realized that the only person who can make me happy is me. It was like a weight lifted off of me, and I saw my H in a new light. Now he makes me happy because of who he is, not what he does. And I try hard every day to make him happy because it makes me happy to see him happy.

Speaking of happiness, another takeaway I had was that I have the right to pursue my own happiness, but not at someone else's expense. I was pursuing my own happiness at my H's expense, even if he didn't know at the time. You pursued your own happiness at your wife's expense. Is that right? Is that fair? Is that the kind of person you want to be?

You say you've outgrown your wife, you're miserable and trapped. Listen, you have only one life. If you want to make a change, then do so. Do it in a way that's respectful to your wife. Yes she will be hurt. She will also be hurt if she knows you had an A. The hurt train has already left the station. Or make a honest effort to reconnect with your wife, one last try. My H and I have been together for over 25 years. Yes we've both changed a lot. We've both had pain and hurt as a result of my actions. And yet we worked together and rebuilt a relationship, rebuilt a positive marriage. It can be done. Good luck.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:49 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
Well, it's over. Today was my last day at the job and I'll probably never see her again in person. Brings some closure.

I have come to accept that she'll always be just a friend. She's married, I'm married, it's just not worth it. I'll try finding love somewhere else, maybe even with my wife...

I'll write her sometime, though. It's a win to have her as a friend because she's such a pleasure to talk to.
Good that you both dint act too much.. it will only seems fun for a while and then the painful misery will start ( thats the textbook).

What do you mean by finding love somewhere else?. If you do find someone you think is 'the one' other than your wife. Please let her go first then procedd at which ever speed you like. Let her go even if she throws tantrums as staying somewhere where you are unhappy is not what you want for the rest of your ( or her) life.I just wanted to say that. Its kind of cruel to just keep attending an affair while someone else is sitting there thinking you are loyal.. uncool.

Last edited by freengreen; 25th September 2017 at 10:53 AM..
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Old 25th September 2017, 4:23 PM   #24
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Dammit, I always try to rationalize my feelings and end up with a broken heart. The truth is I'm feeling very sad for not having her anymore. She's everything I wish my wife would be, it will be very difficult to replace her.

About my wife, I was once in love with her but I feel I've outgrown her. It's been a long time I don't feel anything for her. It's awful. And I have asked her for divorce previously, several times, and she always made it impossible for me to leave, threatening suicide, threatening to ruin my life, or making me give in to her desperate pleas. So I feel I'm trapped and completely miserable.
Have you and your wife ever attended marriage counseling? If you are done with your M you are done and no one is holding you hostage, not even your wife. There are hospitals to help if one is threatening to commit suicide. At some point don't you become the problem too here?
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Old 25th September 2017, 4:39 PM   #25
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Have you and your wife ever attended marriage counseling? If you are done with your M you are done and no one is holding you hostage, not even your wife. There are hospitals to help if one is threatening to commit suicide. At some point don't you become the problem too here?
There is someone holding him hostage.

To find out who that person is, all the op has to do is look in the mirror.
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