I ended an affair with a married man, now I want it back

[Headoverheelss]

I'm a 24 year old married woman with a child age 3. I work in a doctors office and I happen to start having an affair with one of our also married pts. He is 20 years older then me, also married with a hound daughter.

 

At first things started out wonderful. He took me out to nice places, was very romantic, attentive. It was all before we had sex. I felt like I was falling for him, but on the other hand for him it was only about sex. We stopped going out, and only started to meet at hotels, everytime there is an opportunity. Last straw was out last meet. Note that I never got gifts or even flowers. On our last meet I arrived to the hotel and walked in the room of him laying naked, it felt wrong to me but I still stayed. After an hour and a half he casually got dressed and left...told me to go look around for places to have lunch before work......the next few days he was acting cold, and then I called him and ended things before I got more hurt, I told him about my feelings, and in response got nothing....over the weekend I felt terrible, I felt used and thrown out. Monday came and I called his wife to let her know of the whole situation and said to please make sure her husband never contacts me again... My husband found out, obviously ? we managed to work things out for our son, after the affair break up my very close friend was in contact with my ex lover, pretty much he told her he never wants to hear from me again, and wants to have nothing to do with me.

 

A month past by and I downloaded an app and called his job (he changed his cellsphone) he picked up, and I chickened out and hung up like an idiot...I called back and he kept declining the call a free 2 rings...I feel like there is so much unsaid, what should I do, I feel like I need to have this last conversation, because I can't move on, I feel like I need closure...any thoughts? Please no negative comments

[springy]

He just doesn't want to speak to you. He said "never again". Stop calling before you get yourself in trouble. It's over, you ended it.

 

He used you for sex. You got angry, ended it while simultaneously blowing up his marriage in the process. Not saying wifey didn't have every right to know, but it was done purely out of spite. Now you expect him to talk to you...What are you looking for, exactly? You already told him your feelings and got...bupkis. What will another conversation accomplish?

 

You want to go back to being used? To meeting up in hotel rooms and being told to find your own food after he's finished with you for the day?

 

What about your husband? Where do his feelings and what he needs come in? I assume you promised to never talk to this man again? What about your child? Seems to me like you have plenty of other aspects of life to focus your energy on. Leave this man alone. By your own admission he used you. He can't give you closure. Speak to a counselor and work on your marriage if you intend to stay with your husband.

Edited September 6, 2017 by springy

[aileD]

Why do you want to be with someone who treated you like someone would treat a prostitute?

 

Not one thing you said gives any good quality about him or your affair with him.

 

He used your for sex, you were smart enough to realize it and it made you feel horrible.

 

He doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

You have a husband that gave you the greatest gift one can give after the ultimate marriage betrayal --forgiveness.

 

Why on earth would you want this affair back?

[Headoverheelss]

My husband is a great man, but I have 0 sexual attraction to him, and over those months a felt happy, our marriage is falling apart and I see it happening.

 

I know that my lover used me for sex, I lowered myselfso much...but once you lose it, you never gaine it back...I felt connected to him, because we had same problems in our marriages. And I felt like around him I can be myself...

 

I know he is mad, but I just feel like by hearing it from him would let me flip the page over

 

Thank you for you support

[BaileyB]

What more do you want him to say to you, that you don't already know?

 

Perhaps, what you are seeking is acceptance. You must accept that it is over, understand that it is for the best, and decide that it's time to move on a focus on your family and your own future.

 

This "affair" is less about him, than it is about you. I would suggest that you find a good counsellor, if you have not done so already. Best wishes.

[TunaInTheBrine]

The above posters are right. Even though it hurts, the best course of action is to not open communication back up between the two of you. There will be no positive outcome, and even if you did 'air out your grievances', it's virtually guaranteed you would be left disappointed and feeling even more hurt before.

 

I know it's not fair to be left in the dust in a situation like this, but it really is for the better to start the healing process now.

 

How are you and your husband doing? Have the two of you considered couples counseling? I hope things are going well there.

[Zahara]

My husband is a great man, but I have 0 sexual attraction to him, and over those months a felt happy, our marriage is falling apart and I see it happening.

 

I know that my lover used me for sex, I lowered myselfso much...but once you lose it, you never gaine it back...I felt connected to him, because we had same problems in our marriages. And I felt like around him I can be myself...

 

I know he is mad, but I just feel like by hearing it from him would let me flip the page over

 

Thank you for you support

 

I think you're trying to escape one bad situation by grasping onto another because in your head, those are your only two options. A marriage that does not fulfill you or a man that treated you like a prostitute. Anything is better than nothing.

 

You felt connected to the little attention he gave you. You're starving for love that the crumbs he gave you, you have somehow magnified that into this incredible connection. The connection you both did have was dysfunction and toxicity. Don't confuse that with healthy emotional bonding. You have a warped sense of what a true connection should be.

 

What should help you flip the page is realizing that this is the catalyst to help you move on from your marriage if you aren't happy anymore. Do something about it rather than lower yourself to such extents just to seek an escape and find validation. You flip the page because you want to focus on your child and being present for him/her and create a healthy environment for them. The next page should be seeing a therapist and figuring out the next steps for your life and the people in it.

 

And who cares if he's mad. You should be mad for allowing him to treat you so poorly.

[aileD]

Hon, he only told you that he had the same problems in his marriage so he could make you think you had a connection so he could get you into bed and use you for sex. It wasn't a real connection.

 

You were attracted to your husband three years ago, what happened?

[Ahurtgirl]

Hon, he only told you that he had the same problems in his marriage so he could make you think you had a connection so he could get you into bed and use you for sex. It wasn't a real connection.

 

You were attracted to your husband three years ago, what happened?

 

Listen to this. Men lie to get sex and they will charm the pants off you to create a connection. My ex AP even went as far as giving me an engagement ring, looking at houses together, shared all his financial information with me, begged me to leave my then husband for him, asked when he could move out of his family home to be with me, planned how custody would be shared foe his kids, etc. all without me asking or wanting it. Four years later and Dday comes and he drops me like that and now continues on with other APs and his wife did the 180 to keep him. I now believe he did all of this to get sex. He knew I saved myself for marriage, had chosen to only be with one sexual partner my entire life until I met him, and made me believe I would be his last partner. I was the family minded, faithful, God fearing woman, who royally messed up when he stormed into my life. What a hard lesson I learned! Never doing that again.

You are the one that wins if you walk away now and never contact him again. He WILL cheat on his wife again. You won't have to worry about not being able to trust him again. Contacting him will only drag out the heartache.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[Steve51]

The reason you like a married man is twofold. First there is the natural competition between women for the best mate. Then there is experiencing Courtship love again. Like you had before you got married. Courtship love usually ends a few years after you marry and then are left to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Then along comes a man who rekindles the courtship love you once had. You go on dates and he makes you feel desirable and sexy. He does not take you for granted sexually and sex with someone new is always exciting per our genetic programming. He is experiencing the same.

 

It is amazing what women and men will give up to experience courtship love and sex with a new person again. Powerful and famous people ruin their lives for it so what chance do you have. I left my wife for a married woman. The sex was different because it was not predictable and felt taboo. The other woman could not get enough sex from me and did things she never did with her husband. Luckily I realized what was happening and returned to my wife a month later. She got a divorce. Also noted is that it is possible to get addicted to a lover and even though you swore you would not see them again and understood the serious consequences you faced, you cannot help yourself. Psychologist advise such people to move far away which I once had to do. I did not even like the woman but when near her, I was her puppy dog.

 

The difference is that I was not in a monogamous marriage. My wife had a girlfriend living with us for most of our marriage. I know the allure of the forbidden fruit and being with a person that is not like your spouse. You do not know what buttons to press and that courtship love makes you ignore their faults, want to be with them all the time and find everything they say interesting. You have choices of which cheating is the worst as it usually ends bad for one or both of you. Plus the odds are divorcing go up with each subsequent marriage. There will come a time when you will cheat on your new husband because you know the high that it brings and sex with your hubby is predictable again. The other choice is the one my wife and I took, polyamory and we have had a wonderful life in a poly triad with a woman we shared.

 

https://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-passion-last-four-stages-love-t108471

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201310/the-curious-couples-guide-occasional-non-monogamy

 

Society forces you to destroy the life you built with your husband whom you still may love but the divorce process is brutal and financially draining. My wife and I learned that you can love more than one person. What we did was to put each other and our marriage above all others. That worked out great for us but it involves everyone being secure and not jealous. Not an easy combination of people to find. We did.

[wmacbride]

I know you are hurting, but looking for "closure" won't help you. really, the concept is nothing more than psychobabble.

 

I also know you are angry at him because you feel used. Really, you both used each other. He used you for sex and you used him for ego kibbles. You were both willing to sacrifice someone else to do it-i.e.- your spouses, children ( if you have any), extended families, etc.

 

If you are considering seeing this other man one last time, talk to your husband first. See what his feelings are on the subject, because really, right now, they are the only ones that count. You have hurt him in a very deep way,and yet your focus is still on yourself and what you need outside of your marriage. You simply can't reconcile that way.

 

If you need to, think of it like this. If your marriage was a person, you have just stabbed him in the back. He's lying on the floor bleeding, looking up at you and begging for help. Rather than focus your efforts on helping to save him, you are more concerned with the splinter in your finger.

 

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad. You are not a terrible person, but you sure have made some poor choices. I'm sure you will agree your choices have been very selfish, so don't compound that by chasing after "closure".

 

Really, in your case, "closure" seems to be far more about indulging your desire to be in contact with om, whether it's good, bad or ugly. It's wrong, but you can soothe yourself by labeling it as "closure".

 

Stop doing that, or you may just find that your bs moves on well before you do, and by moving on, I mean walking away from his spouse who is still mooning over her om. If you think you won't be able to stop, you owe it to your bs to tell him how you feel so he can choose, for himself, what he wants to have happen knowing all the information beforehand.

[travelbug1996]

I felt used and thrown out.

 

 

Here is a preview of the "Coming Attraction". Please move forward with your life, unless, this is how you want to continue feeling.

[somanymistakes]

You don't want him back, not really. Deep down you know he didn't love you and that you were miserable and frustrated when you were with him.

 

What you want is for someone to make you feel special, because you're unhappy with yourself. You want attention. you want to feel that you matter, that you're interesting and exciting, that you still have the power to make other people jump.

 

And you do matter. But this isn't the way to prove it.

 

You don't need or want closure, you want pleasure. It's a natural desire. But this is not the way to go about it. Harassing him will just bring everyone pain for no purpose.

 

Find another way to validate yourself.

[Headoverheelss]

Thank you so much I did not know that I would find so much love and understanding on this forum. For me it feels like more of a constant battle between my heart and my head, because everything you guys are saying I understand that's the right advice, but my heart is like in a zombie mode. I know for a fact that he didn't love me, and I know for a fact that it was only about sex for him and you guys are right: I was craving attention, validation that I might not get at my own home. But to me it feels much more of an attached feeling to this person. And I also was thinking that if I'm considering having this last discussion with this guy I should inform my husband, because he is an amazing father he's a great man and he did give me the greatest gift-forgiveness.

 

As it goes for my ex-lover I tried to reach out to him on his work landline, he obviously understood that it was me, I know that much. Since I did call his wife maybe he's scared that I'm recording all the conversations as crazy as it sounds that's why he didn't want to pick up or talk to me? because he does work with the law. should I try emailing him? I'm not the type to be harassing people who don't really want to talk to me, so if he doesn't respond to my email, that makes it pretty clear that he really doesn't want to talk to me and I should leave it alone.

 

P.s. So sorry for any typos I was dictating to my phone while I was

driving:bunny:

 

I'm looking forward to hearing from you guys thank you so much !!

[wmacbride]

Thank you so much I did not know that I would find so much love and understanding on this forum. For me it feels like more of a constant battle between my heart and my head, because everything you guys are saying I understand that's the right advice, but my heart is like in a zombie mode. I know for a fact that he didn't love me, and I know for a fact that it was only about sex for him and you guys are right: I was craving attention, validation that I might not get at my own home. But to me it feels much more of an attached feeling to this person. And I also was thinking that if I'm considering having this last discussion with this guy I should inform my husband, because he is an amazing father he's a great man and he did give me the greatest gift-forgiveness.

 

As it goes for my ex-lover I tried to reach out to him on his work landline, he obviously understood that it was me, I know that much. Since I did call his wife maybe he's scared that I'm recording all the conversations as crazy as it sounds that's why he didn't want to pick up or talk to me? because he does work with the law. should I try emailing him? I'm not the type to be harassing people who don't really want to talk to me, so if he doesn't respond to my email, that makes it pretty clear that he really doesn't want to talk to me and I should leave it alone.

 

P.s. So sorry for any typos I was dictating to my phone while I was

driving:bunny:

 

I'm looking forward to hearing from you guys thank you so much !!

 

Please gather your dignity and leave this guy alone, especially where you have spilled the beans to his wife and he doesn't respond to your efforts.

 

If you feel you can't stop, try writing out everything you have to say. All of it. Once you have finished, re-read it, edit it and then either burn it or destroy it in some other way or post it here.

 

That way, your can let out your feelings without risk.

 

If you need added incentive, think about what his wife is gong through. Think about the role you have played in her pain. How does that make you feel? Do you want to keep feeling that way, or would you feel better if you gave her the gift of leaving him alone? After all, what did this woman ever do to do to deserve you helping to hurt her in this way?

[elaine567]

As it goes for my ex-lover I tried to reach out to him on his work landline, he obviously understood that it was me, I know that much. Since I did call his wife maybe he's scared that I'm recording all the conversations as crazy as it sounds that's why he didn't want to pick up or talk to me? because he does work with the law. should I try emailing him? I'm not the type to be harassing people who don't really want to talk to me, so if he doesn't respond to my email, that makes it pretty clear that he really doesn't want to talk to me and I should leave it alone.

 

DON'T EMAIL him. Leave him alone.

IF he wanted to talk you you he would have answered your call. Do not blame the wife, I guess he is not scared, he just doesn't want to speak to you any longer.

He was happy using you for sex, and as an MW you were supposed to take what he gave you and not ask for more.

YOU crossed the line by expecting more, then dumping him and made things worse by saying you had feelings, then called his wife...

This was about "extra" and fun for him, and by the sounds of things more of a "business" transaction actually.

It was not about upset, trauma and feelings, he probably gets enough of that at home. AND then you committed the cardinal sin of the OW, you contacted his wife...

 

OWs are supposed to stay in their box and be grateful for what he doles out to you, so of course he won't want to talk to you...

 

This is NOT the world of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl and everything ends happily.

This is the world of extra marital sex and the rules are a lot different.

[BTDT2012]

Don't send him an email. He changed his number for a reason. Don't assume that you know anything about what's going on in his marriage, other than the fact that he has chosen to stay with his wife. How will you feel when he shares your email with his wife? Don't set yourself up for any additional pain.

[jenkins95]

DON'T EMAIL him. Leave him alone.

IF he wanted to talk you you he would have answered your call. Do not blame the wife, I guess he is not scared, he just doesn't want to speak to you any longer.

He was happy using you for sex, and as an MW you were supposed to take what he gave you and not ask for more.

YOU crossed the line by expecting more, then dumping him and made things worse by saying you had feelings, then called his wife...

This was about "extra" and fun for him, and by the sounds of things more of a "business" transaction actually.

It was not about upset, trauma and feelings, he probably gets enough of that at home. AND then you committed the cardinal sin of the OW, you contacted his wife...

 

OWs are supposed to stay in their box and be grateful for what he doles out to you, so of course he won't want to talk to you...

 

This is NOT the world of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl and everything ends happily.

This is the world of extra marital sex and the rules are a lot different.

 

This sums it up very well. At the end of the day, it is one big mess and will only get messier if there is any further attempt at contact.

 

If you read a lot of other threads you will find that the need for closure is very common and I totally understand your need for it. But it is very, very elusive.

 

It very rarely comes from the AP. Even those "final meetings" in which the APs are supposed to say all they want to say, get all the answers they need and then part on good terms with a hug - they very rarely work out that way. APs usually DON'T get all the answers they want. The meetings become strained, frustrating, heartbreaking, sad and upsetting. They also fuel the addiction, the toxic bond and feelings that this is all a "tragic love story". Afterwards, the APs end up analysing and agonising over the smallest details of what was said, twisting the meaning in the cruellest way possible to themselves - this is just human nature unfortunately. It would be better not to have the meeting in the first place.

 

In the end, closure can only come from within. Be strong, grieve, work on yourself, forgive yourself, forgive him (just in your mind - no contact!), seek counselling, let him go - and eventually you will find closure within yourself. You can do it. You really can.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[aileD]

You don't want him. You weren't attracted to him.

 

It was the attention that you were attracted to, not him as a person. The attention he gave you that you are craving.

 

Also- he doesn't want to talk to you because he hates you. Why? Because you were just sex to him. You were supposed to just lie down and shut up about it. You were a piece of meat to him, and the fact you disturbed his life by contacting his wife and making things difficult for him makes him hate you even more. To him, you aren't worth it anymore.

 

No one should treat you like that. This is not a normal situation where you have a relationship with someone and they cared about you and they miss you a little now that it's over. This is a man that manipulated your feelings and used youfor sex and now can't give you the time of day because you told the truth which was inconvenient for him.

 

You're nowhere on his radar. Please just accept it and stop trying to make it make sense. It doesn't, because you were used.

Edited September 6, 2017 by aileD

[MickeyBill]

"Closure" will lead to what? Serious question, what are you looking for?

 

Seems like the closure was when you broke up, told his wife and he changed his number and began ignoring you.

 

If you keep this up you may end up with a TRO filed against you or will end up back in bed with him again. Are either of these outcomes desireable?

 

Move on from the affair and either work on your marriage or let him go to find someone who is attracted to him.

[whichwayisup]

My husband is a great man, but I have 0 sexual attraction to him, and over those months a felt happy, our marriage is falling apart and I see it happening.

 

I know that my lover used me for sex, I lowered myselfso much...but once you lose it, you never gaine it back...I felt connected to him, because we had same problems in our marriages. And I felt like around him I can be myself...

 

I know he is mad, but I just feel like by hearing it from him would let me flip the page over

 

Thank you for you support

 

Then divorce your husband and set him free so he can find a woman who will love him, find him sexually attractive and won't cheat on him. Then after you can pursue this MM who treats you like crap. That way you're not hurting anybody but yourself. Really, give this thought!! WHY on earth would you want a man who has no respect for you and isn't even caring or loving towards you? He (MM) only is interested in sex, nothing else.

 

Please get counseling. Your self esteem is so low and you're making bad choices that aren't healthy.

[wmacbride]

op,

Don't let yourself fall into the trap of calling him then getting upset when he doesn't return your call so you call him again.

 

That's a hamster wheel no one needs to be on.

[sandylee1]

Divorce your husband and find a single man that you can connect with and are sexually attracted to.

 

You're young and able to move on and have a coparent relationship with your H.

[Headoverheelss]

Thank you guys so much, so much motivation

I do love my husband and I just think we reached a tough point of our relationship and I gave up...but realizing that he is the man who was able to forgive and still be by my side with all the love he's got is worth the weight of gold...

[ice3784]

I was in your same situation. On and off, when our mind come to our senses, we know we had to leave him. When women instinct kick off, we felt like we need to call the wife, and explain our self. I did that too, and i felt so bad i had ruin the affair. He never reaches me anymore. Then deep down inside i miss the relationship. I miss him even though i know he is an ******* living a double life. He even texted his wife constantly when he was with me. Until now im still lost. i miss him, and i felt bad for calling the wife. maybe you can read my post, i invested so much on him, and get nothing in the end. i was only being hated by everyone, including him.