Crashing a little bit - in need of support

[Origin]

I simply don't get it. My story ended in a horrendous way as the woman I had an affair with while she was engaged, ended up involving a 3rd person into the mess and eventually hooking up with him. From that day I have been done with her. The thought of being with her makes me sick so I still don't understand why she has such a pull on me to make me care???

 

 

We work together so NC has been pretty much Impossible. Since the "end" we didn't talk about private life but would need to sometimes talk while at work which made moving on harder but I made it.

 

She however one day literally forced me to have a conversation in order to forgive each other and move on easier. While I was hesitant, its been 4 months since we ended it and I agreed. It felt to me that she was trying to "feel the field" and see if there are any feelings left but to even my surprise there wasn't anything there. I forgave her for everything(some things I didn't but I told her I did in order for her to leave me alone) however during that conversation I pretty much picked out that she's heavily involved with this 3rd person and is in some relationship with him.

 

So that bothered me greatly and I don't know why!?!? Why do I care??? I don't even wanna be with her so why is that bothering me??

 

The only thing I can think about it is THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME, I was supposed to be that guy at the end. I stayed there for her, put in the time and got destroyed in the end. I feel used to the very core of my being....

 

I'm sorry I had to post this and vent. She has been on my mind the whole day and I HATE IT.

[Darren Steez]

I simply don't get it. My story ended in a horrendous way as the woman I had an affair with while she was engaged, ended up involving a 3rd person into the mess and eventually hooking up with him. From that day I have been done with her. The thought of being with her makes me sick so I still don't understand why she has such a pull on me to make me care???

 

 

We work together so NC has been pretty much Impossible. Since the "end" we didn't talk about private life but would need to sometimes talk while at work which made moving on harder but I made it.

 

She however one day literally forced me to have a conversation in order to forgive each other and move on easier. While I was hesitant, its been 4 months since we ended it and I agreed. It felt to me that she was trying to "feel the field" and see if there are any feelings left but to even my surprise there wasn't anything there. I forgave her for everything(some things I didn't but I told her I did in order for her to leave me alone) however during that conversation I pretty much picked out that she's heavily involved with this 3rd person and is in some relationship with him.

 

So that bothered me greatly and I don't know why!?!? Why do I care??? I don't even wanna be with her so why is that bothering me??

 

The only thing I can think about it is THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME, I was supposed to be that guy at the end. I stayed there for her, put in the time and got destroyed in the end. I feel used to the very core of my being....

 

I'm sorry I had to post this and vent. She has been on my mind the whole day and I HATE IT.

 

So all in all she had three guys on the go?

 

Why would you dedicate any space in your head or heart to such an incredibly callous person who would cheat on her fiance, have a boyfriend then cheat on that boyfriend?

 

Crazy

[BluesPower]

Crazy is the word...

 

Honestly you can't fix crazy and I have come to believe that it is not worth our time to try and figure it out.

 

Example: Last GF, we fell in love way to quick, but it was there. Maybe infatuation who knows.

 

But I was all in, went exclusive with her and full tilt into a relationship.

 

So she starts to pull back, strange... finally I have to break it off for several reasons. 1) I won't be with a woman in a relationship if she is not all in. How degrading. 2) If we are moving forward together cool, and if not, we are done.

 

I can't figure it out. She knows how much I love her but she also knows that I don't deal with drama or BS.

 

Did she just change her mind, did she get scared, or was she playing me from the start? I have no idea and I really don't care.

 

Oh, and they always want to be friends...Get lost. I have plenty of friends.

 

What you are dealing with is standard fare, you just have to move on understanding that you will never know what her issues are...

[BaileyB]

It's pretty clear based on her past history that this woman is never going to settled down for just one relationship... Even if she did, could you ever trust her to be faithful.

 

You are upset that you were not the chosen one when in reality, that was never going to happen. So, feel grateful that you dodged this bullet and make a better decision in your life next time.

[rumblefish12]

O - I understand that feeling. And I understand wanting to not feel that way. I don't think we can wish or think our feelings away though. So, while in the long-term you need to work on all those issues that put you in that spot to begin with, I do have a little trick I've used to deal with the emotion in the moment. That is, you know that she is going to crash and burn with man #3. You know it. He can't avoid it. She'll continue to be miserable and #3 will wish he never met her (like you do). She's a limerance addict and she'll jump from relationship to relationship to keep that buzz going.

 

Take some immediate solace in that. Then work on yourself.

[Origin]

I'm good now, idk what happened yesterday but i had to post. I know i don't wanna be with her i just got pissed that the thought bothered me i guess.

 

All good now, and thanks to those who replied.

[DKT3]

It's pretty clear based on her past history that this woman is never going to settled down for just one relationship... Even if she did, could you ever trust her to be faithful.

 

You are upset that you were not the chosen one when in reality, that was never going to happen. So, feel grateful that you dodged this bullet and make a better decision in your life next time.

 

I'm not sure it's because she didn't pick him, ic I remember right he still could have maintained and the relationship. I think her being with the other other man is more about tarnishing what he felt was something special...I mean, aren't all affairs special, something that the APs have never experienced...why else would one throw away morals, values and self worth.

 

OP, I fear she is getting bored and may be fishing to get you back on the hook.

[Origin]

I'm not sure it's because she didn't pick him, ic I remember right he still could have maintained and the relationship. I think her being with the other other man is more about tarnishing what he felt was something special...I mean, aren't all affairs special, something that the APs have never experienced...why else would one throw away morals, values and self worth.

 

OP, I fear she is getting bored and may be fishing to get you back on the hook.

 

Yup that's it!! You nailed it, i didn't even know how to say it or explain it until you wrote it. It doesn't matter, I'm OK now and that's all that matters.

 

Yeah i could have continued but enough was enough, i couldn't take it anymore.

 

She could be getting bored, absolutely right, first it was: if we can talk and see where we stand, then if we can be friends, then lets just get closure, each time wanting face to face convo but I'm not having it anymore. I changed my personal number which was such a pain in the butt since EVERYTHING was tied to that number, only to realize she has my work number(which i cant change) and she can call/text there whenever she wants #fail. I've been ignoring it all as much as i can.

Edited August 13, 2017 by Origin