Does your AP "show up"

[Chica80]

There are many many reasons not to have an A. But sometimes the reasons for staying are not quite so obvious.

 

One of the things that's difficult for me to get over or let go of is he shows up. When I need him he is there. There are some things that have happened over the last year (family related). I've spent many a time crying... He listens, let's me cry gives me advice. I know that if I really needed him for something he would show up because he has. It's not a theoretical it's happened.

 

When I decided to go back to school, he was a big advocate for me to go after what I wanted. When I was stressed and felt like giving up he encouraged me and pushed me not to.

 

Last year I had told him about a project I was hoping to go on. At a fellow friends Bday, his wife asks me...so I heard about your project.....later I asked him why are you talking about me. He said because I'm proud of you. I'm proud of what you've done and what you are accomplishing.

 

He's a big support, professionally, personally.

That's difficult to let go of. Selfish yes. But when you have that....

[Friskyone4u]

There are many many reasons not to have an A. But sometimes the reasons for staying are not quite so obvious.

 

One of the things that's difficult for me to get over or let go of is he shows up. When I need him he is there. There are some things that have happened over the last year (family related). I've spent many a time crying... He listens, let's me cry gives me advice. I know that if I really needed him for something he would show up because he has. It's not a theoretical it's happened.

 

When I decided to go back to school, he was a big advocate for me to go after what I wanted. When I was stressed and felt like giving up he encouraged me and pushed me not to.

 

Last year I had told him about a project I was hoping to go on. At a fellow friends Bday, his wife asks me...so I heard about your project.....later I asked him why are you talking about me. He said because I'm proud of you. I'm proud of what you've done and what you are accomplishing.

 

He's a big support, professionally, personally.

That's difficult to let go of. Selfish yes. But when you have that....

 

Of course he shows up. And you know what else he shows up for??? You are providing sex and he provides for your emotional needs. And your knight in shining armor makes it even more disrespectful to his wife by bragging about you to his wife and show her more disrespect than just having the affair has done.

 

A true hero, your AP. And of course no single man would ever do those things for you.

[Overtaxed]

Of course he shows up. And you know what else he shows up for??? You are providing sex and he provides for your emotional needs. And your knight in shining armor makes it even more disrespectful to his wife by bragging about you to his wife and show her more disrespect than just having the affair has done.

 

A true hero, your AP. And of course no single man would ever do those things for you.

 

Good God, he tells his wife about you like this and laughs about it behind her back? And people think I'm exaggerating when I talk about male APs. This might just take the cake. I thought the showing off AP's pictures and TXT's at the bar and laughing at them was bad, this is way worse.

[Chica80]

Good God, he tells his wife about you like this and laughs about it behind her back? And people think I'm exaggerating when I talk about male APs. This might just take the cake. I thought the showing off AP's pictures and TXT's at the bar and laughing at them was bad, this is way worse.

 

Wow....slow your role...where in my post did I say he sits there and laughs behind her back.

Not the case at all.

 

All I was trying to convey....he is a big support for me and that's hard to let go of..

[Chica80]

Of course he shows up. And you know what else he shows up for??? You are providing sex and he provides for your emotional needs. And your knight in shining armor makes it even more disrespectful to his wife by bragging about you to his wife and show her more disrespect than just having the affair has done.

 

A true hero, your AP. And of course no single man would ever do those things for you.

 

I wish that was the case he would come over for sex.

 

That's not the basis of our relationship. I can count the number of times on one hand the number of times we've had sex in two yrs.

[lostgirl87]

You don't need to justify your relationship to anyone. A lot of people on here want affairs to fit into the "it's only sex, it's not real" box and the truth is, it's never that simple. You know what you have and you know what you're experiencing with MM.

 

In my case, my MM showed up for me too. When we worked together, he did extra work when I had a bad assistant and even more work when I was left without an assistant/paralegal. He talked me through how to stick up for myself as a new, young attorney in the firm, he brought me lunch when I was too busy to eat anything other than coffee. When I was unemployed, he took care of some of my bills and/or transferred money into my bank account b/c he knew I was living off savings. When I needed him, he did what he could to run to my apartment and just be there. He talked to me, listened to me, held me and was there when I needed him. It was that support and friendship that made/makes ending this so hard so I get where you're coming from.

 

My MM also talked about me to his wife. He would talk to her about how unfairly I was being treated or whenever I'd settle a big case. He didn't hide our "friendship". Which to be fair, for a while, we were just friends so it's not like he meant to be cruel. I completely understand what you're feeling and you're correct: how do you leave that behind? When you're clearly being used for sex or for a good time, it's a lot easier. But when you feel like you matter and are cared for, how do you let go?!

[Babsinhealing]

Not all A are cut from the same cloth, regardless of what people think. Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of jerks out there that use the AP for sex and future fake with no intentions of having any "future". But only those in the actual A can truly answer that question (although many on here would love to tell you otherwise lol). I truly care for my AP and his wellbeing and I have supported him through many things (professionally, physically, emotionally) over the past three years, as he has for me. And while our A is highly sexually charged, underneath it all we are great friends and he's the first to wish me luck on something big at work, wish me well during sickness or surgeries and I can say I've never once felt "used" by him. He makes time for me, never cancels and if I need him or I need to talk- he has proven time and time again that he will be there for me. If our A ever ended (and it's come close seeing we've had 2 DD ... with one 31 day NC episode before we pushed it underground) I would truly miss HIM... now yes, I would certainly miss the sex, but I would miss him more. He's just become an important part of my life and his friendship is just as important as any of my other close friends. So I'm sure I will hear several folks tell me I'm delusional or disordered- and that's ok. Only I know how I feel

[Syre17]

You don't need to justify your relationship to anyone. A lot of people on here want affairs to fit into the "it's only sex, it's not real" box and the truth is, it's never that simple. You know what you have and you know what you're experiencing with MM.

 

In my case, my MM showed up for me too. When we worked together, he did extra work when I had a bad assistant and even more work when I was left without an assistant/paralegal. He talked me through how to stick up for myself as a new, young attorney in the firm, he brought me lunch when I was too busy to eat anything other than coffee. When I was unemployed, he took care of some of my bills and/or transferred money into my bank account b/c he knew I was living off savings. When I needed him, he did what he could to run to my apartment and just be there. He talked to me, listened to me, held me and was there when I needed him. It was that support and friendship that made/makes ending this so hard so I get where you're coming from.

 

My MM also talked about me to his wife. He would talk to her about how unfairly I was being treated or whenever I'd settle a big case. He didn't hide our "friendship". Which to be fair, for a while, we were just friends so it's not like he meant to be cruel. I completely understand what you're feeling and you're correct: how do you leave that behind? When you're clearly being used for sex or for a good time, it's a lot easier. But when you feel like you matter and are cared for, how do you let go?!

 

No truer words about the "it's only sex vs. the real box." In the short time I've been on here, I've noticed a vast predisposition to this mindset. Everyone's affair dynamics are very different. Sure

some affairs are purely sexual but some aren't. Case in point, when I was married, heck, even know being single, I could/can have just about any piece of %ss I want...but nah, it's not just about the sex for me as some are so quick to imply. If that were "it" for me, why would I waste my time on my (former) AP, when I could have a different woman in my bed every night!?!? But I digress...

 

I was pretty much always there for my former AP. Last year, when her dad died (here comes the "she lied to you"), I was the FIRST person she called. She obviously needed to go be with her family and was working that day but was getting ready to leave. I told her, I'll be right there to pick you up and I did so without hesitation. I left my car at her work, and we drove her car to her hometown some 4 hours away, so she'd have a vehicle and I took the train back the next day. When I had a doctors visit for a potential serious health scare, she was the one who insisted I go and get checked out. She was also the one right there by my side. So yeah...people in A's can and do show up.

[lostgirl87]

Not all A are cut from the same cloth, regardless of what people think. Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of jerks out there that use the AP for sex and future fake with no intentions of having any "future". But only those in the actual A can truly answer that question (although many on here would love to tell you otherwise lol). I truly care for my AP and his wellbeing and I have supported him through many things (professionally, physically, emotionally) over the past three years, as he has for me. And while our A is highly sexually charged, underneath it all we are great friends and he's the first to wish me luck on something big at work, wish me well during sickness or surgeries and I can say I've never once felt "used" by him. He makes time for me, never cancels and if I need him or I need to talk- he has proven time and time again that he will be there for me. If our A ever ended (and it's come close seeing we've had 2 DD ... with one 31 day NC episode before we pushed it underground) I would truly miss HIM... now yes, I would certainly miss the sex, but I would miss him more. He's just become an important part of my life and his friendship is just as important as any of my other close friends. So I'm sure I will hear several folks tell me I'm delusional or disordered- and that's ok. Only I know how I feel

I agree 100% with what you said. Especially the part about missing him as a person. Missing his friendship. That's the part he and I care about more despite the amazing sexual connection.

[Babsinhealing]

I chose the NC when it happened (well over a year ago now) and while I had no intentions of breaking it- I felt like I lost a limb with him not in my life. When he finally reached out I remember thinking how much I missed HIM... his sense of humor, his smile, his encouragement. I was so happy to have his friendship back!

[Cymbeline]

It all depends what your definition of 'showing up' is and what your expectations are. One person's 'showing up' is another's persons 'crumbs'

 

The majority of a MP's time, resources (financial and emotional) and commitment are probably somewhere else. Showing up suggests visibility and presence. I show up for a lot of people in my life.

[Chica80]

Again all I was trying to say was he's there and it's difficult to give up.

[freengreen]

It IS tough to let go APs who are like this.. I do understand you.If my AP wasnt just neutral but showed up, it would have been more difficult for me to be at where I am now. Although I felt very bad for his poker faced conversations sometimes, now after all of it... I need to thank him for being so careless about me. He actually helped me break free in a way.

 

You are reading only what you want to.. I am sorry to say. It might be genuine liking towards you but he is alternatively putting two people in dark whenever he chooses to. Thats not noble or even considerate towards a fellow beings..two of you who love him. Atleast one of you deserve to be set free.

 

Affair is not much about disrespecting vows , well may be it is to some extent but what for me is more sad is that, it disrespects people and takes advantage of trust. I dont think anything good he does will null the otherside. Just my thoughs.

Edited June 7, 2017 by freengreen

[Blu72]

How do you give it up? You just do because he isnt and never will be yours - period. Want more for yourselves.

[jenkins95]

Interesting thread (((sunshine)))!

 

I know exactly what you mean by "showing up" in this sense, and I definitely did it in my affair. When my OW wanted support, I showed up, when she wanted advice, I showed up, when she was feeling down, I showed up, when her car needed fixing, I showed up, when she needed a shelf fitting, I showed up - even when she needed money, I showed up.

 

But the fact is that this was all done in secret behind my family's back. It robbed them of my affection, my time, my loyalty and even family finances. It robbed me of my very soul - the honest soul I'd been before the A.

 

When the s*** hit the fan, the fact that I'd shown up so much devastated everyone all the more. The affair ended and the OW was devastated that this support had to end, my wife was devastated to find that I'd been investing in another women. I was devastated because I was just so mixed up, conflicted and guilty.

 

There is no doubt that the most incredible, strong bonds can form between APs, I've experienced it myself, the secrecy and forbidden nature only adds to this and the desire to "show up" for each other is huge - because we are so special, right? But if this is achieved at the expense of lying and cheating on others then it has to be wrong doesn't it?

 

I know that no two affairs are the same, but they are all affairs and that implies that someone is being cheated on, duped and lied to. Surely this is never right? I am not judging anyone any more than I'm judging myself here.

 

If two APs are truly meant to be with each other, surely they should end their marriages in as dignified a manner as possible first. Or if they truly can't do that, surely they must end the affair, however painful that is? The longer it goes on, the bigger the lie they are living, the bigger the betrayal and the stronger the toxic depenency grows.

 

Just my initial thoughts from the top of my head. No judgements - it's not my style, and as a former cheater, it's not my right! I wish you all the best guys.

 

Keep the posts coming!

[Chica80]

Interesting thread (((sunshine)))!

 

I know exactly what you mean by "showing up" in this sense, and I definitely did it in my affair. When my OW wanted support, I showed up, when she wanted advice, I showed up, when she was feeling down, I showed up, when her car needed fixing, I showed up, when she needed a shelf fitting, I showed up - even when she needed money, I showed up.

 

But the fact is that this was all done in secret behind my family's back. It robbed them of my affection, my time, my loyalty and even family finances. It robbed me of my very soul - the honest soul I'd been before the A.

 

When the s*** hit the fan, the fact that I'd shown up so much devastated everyone all the more. The affair ended and the OW was devastated that this support had to end, my wife was devastated to find that I'd been investing in another women. I was devastated because I was just so mixed up, conflicted and guilty.

 

There is no doubt that the most incredible, strong bonds can form between APs, I've experienced it myself, the secrecy and forbidden nature only adds to this and the desire to "show up" for each other is huge - because we are so special, right? But if this is achieved at the expense of lying and cheating on others then it has to be wrong doesn't it?

 

I know that no two affairs are the same, but they are all affairs and that implies that someone is being cheated on, duped and lied to. Surely this is never right? I am not judging anyone any more than I'm judging myself here.

 

If two APs are truly meant to be with each other, surely they should end their marriages in as dignified a manner as possible first. Or if they truly can't do that, surely they must end the affair, however painful that is? The longer it goes on, the bigger the lie they are living, the bigger the betrayal and the stronger the toxic depenency grows.

 

Just my initial thoughts from the top of my head. No judgements - it's not my style, and as a former cheater, it's not my right! I wish you all the best guys.

 

Keep the posts coming!

 

Thank you....yes I needed to "hear" that

[Starswillshine]

I can definitely see how that is hard to give up. I think that is true for any relationship. I'm not in the camp that all affairs are strictly about sex... I think all affairs are strictly about something missing and/or about something broken within. And that can be a whole host of things that we don't need to delve into.

 

Anyway, he shows up for you at times. But the reality, is he there for you at night when you are lonely? Does he show up to hug you and hold you when you cry over the pain HE is causing you? At night, when you are sleeping alone, does he show up? It is easy to be grateful for the things we have versus the things we don't (I have done this for years myself) but don't we deserve more?

 

(((((Hugs))))))

Edited June 7, 2017 by Starswillshine

[jenkins95]

Thank you....yes I needed to "hear" that

 

Hang in there (((sunshine))). We are here for you.

 

Can I ask where you are now in terms of your affair and what prompted this thread? Are you considering ending it? Perhaps you've posted about it elsewhere or perhaps you don't want to "talk" about it?

 

Sorry for the mini t/j, just want you to know I care about you. x

[goodyblue]

From the second the A began he showed up. He was there for everything and I was for him as well.

 

We have been m for some years and things simply have not changed. We are there for one another. We are present in our relationship.

 

All A's are not the same. I love him and am happier than I have ever been. I don't know what I would do without him.

[Birdies]

Yes, some APs really are a source of support and strength in an otherwise difficult time in both your lives. My MM was that way, and not surprisingly, he continues to be a supportive and encouraging partner now that we are together. He makes me feel like I come first to him in a way that my exH, as wonderful as he was in many ways and even though I know he loved me, never did - even when we first started dating years ago.

 

That said, like Jenkins said - unless the relationship is going to a place where it can be out in the open and acknowledged, it's still all fleeting and temporary. Everyone deserves a partner who will be that "person who shows up" for them - but who doesn't have to then leave to go back to their spouse. Someone who shows up, and STAYS. And until we end these half-relationships, we can't be in a position to get the whole thing.

[Chica80]

Hang in there (((sunshine))). We are here for you.

 

Can I ask where you are now in terms of your affair and what prompted this thread? Are you considering ending it? Perhaps you've posted about it elsewhere or perhaps you don't want to "talk" about it?

 

Sorry for the mini t/j, just want you to know I care about you. x

 

Short answer. Yes in...and not getting better. Only worse deeper...will post more later.

[jenkins95]

Short answer. Yes in...and not getting better. Only worse deeper...will post more later.

 

Your third hug from me today (((hugs))). You deserve them

 

We are here when you are ready to post more. x

[Chica80]

Your third hug from me today (((hugs))). You deserve them

 

We are here when you are ready to post more. x

 

Thank you..

I go between this is not what I want. I dont want him this way I don't want to be this person....too then justifying.

And I find myself compartmentalizing more. He loves her but loves me and it's different and of I really love him how could I ask him to destroy everything and everyone else?

 

What started out as "fun" or exit or whatever it was supposed to be has now encompassed so many other aspects.

 

And he's different too..it's like both of us want to end it. But want the other person to do the "dirty work" right so you're not the "bad" guy.

Except now I think f*** it the truth is this is where I want to be, thats the truth so I'm not going to be the one to end it he should....

 

I've gone so far down the rabbit hole. I don't know how to get out. And if it was as simple as stop or NC I would have done that already.

[Chica80]

And the thing is that logically I know if I went NC it would do one or both of two things:

 

One I would be able to move on. Maybe not totally emotionally, but in a better place.

 

Two he would actually realize he does want to be with me fully or not.

Because right now I've made it easy for him. I give him what he needs and he still has the M, that gives him whatever it gives him.

[BTDT2012]

And the thing is that logically I know if I went NC it would do one or both of two things:

 

One I would be able to move on. Maybe not totally emotionally, but in a better place.

 

Two he would actually realize he does want to be with me fully or not.

Because right now I've made it easy for him. I give him what he needs and he still has the M, that gives him whatever it gives him.

 

You deserve better.