LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

He wants to do the right thing ending the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree143Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd February 2017, 4:04 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Central time zone
Posts: 1,741
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.
I never crossed that line when I was with MM, but I've wondered about it a lot since I ended things almost three years ago. We were together almost 7 years.

Give yourself time to heal. Are you able to get away and go off grid for a few days? This will help you decide if NC is the best for you. You might benefit from just some quiet time to think. It is pretty tough to move on if you don't go NC. I still have sporadic contact with MM and I think it is keeping me from moving on. I'd say for the first six months we still talked four days or more a week. 2.5 years after that, I'm just starting to have really good dates.

About five years ago, conservative Christian MM had a powerful sermon by his minister and asked to give up sex (with me) for Lent. His minister was encouraging everyone to make a legitimate sacrifice for God.

That was kind of the start of the end of things for me. We couldn't see each other then (or now) because I'm not good at telling him "no" and he's not good about not pulling me close and giving the most perfect kisses ever.

While his Lenten sacrifice was a real sacrifice for him, it just made me feel icky. Having sex with me was in the end so wrong, that it was a bad enough habit he had to see if he could give it up for God.

Lent is technically 46 days....Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. Some people argue that Sundays don't count and view Lent as 40 days only. We made it 41 days and he was happy with that. Minister gave the sermon on a Sunday 7 weeks before Easter. He's not Catholic, so the rules were sort of made up as he went along...
Lady2163 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 4:45 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 642
I am not saying he isn't a jerk and hasn't been a complete ahole for the past 6 years (WOW by the way) but it sounds like he WANTS to and is ATTEMPTING to do the right thing by being a husband to his wife. Will he stick to it - chances are high he wont and he will be back because you are the crutch in his marriage but he is going to try. And what should you do- LET HIM.

You are in for one hell of an emotionally painful ride but he is asking you to let him go and you need to give him that - if you can't do it for you then do it for him. Let this be the drop in the bucket you need to walk away, cut the ties, NC, and get on with your life.

It sucks yeah but it will be worse if you go back and forth as he tries over and over to be a better man and push you out of his life. And really is that what you want to be - his bad habit he can't break, a crutch? Something he is trying to get away from? The choice is yours.

Good luck OP
HeCantBreakMe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 5:03 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 349
Quote:
Originally Posted by cloche View Post
While you appear to speak the same language, drawing from the same lexicon - you love each other; you long to be together; you wish you'd met earlier in life; and so on - these utterances have quite different meanings for the two of you. Suffice it to say that it is a great mistake to assume you understand what he really means when he says he feels for you the same way as you do for him.

Just as an example: for you, I suspect, the words "I love you" imply some sort of promise. For apex-man they do not.
Exactly. Someone on the forums once described it perfectly. When MM say "I love you" what they really mean is "I love the way you make me feel in this moment." They may future fake and fantasize about the rest, but there is no substance behind the ILY. They certainly say it with passion, but they are *not* one step away from leaving their life/wife.
FoundMyStrength is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 7:31 PM   #19
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,043
Oh the irony of a married Christian man giving up sex with his mistress for lent.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 9:05 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 697
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
Oh the irony of a married Christian man giving up sex with his mistress for lent.
My WH pretty much stopped going to church with me while he was in the affair.
BTDT2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 12:21 AM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeCantBreakMe View Post
I am not saying he isn't a jerk and hasn't been a complete ahole for the past 6 years (WOW by the way) but it sounds like he WANTS to and is ATTEMPTING to do the right thing by being a husband to his wife. Will he stick to it - chances are high he wont and he will be back because you are the crutch in his marriage but he is going to try. And what should you do- LET HIM.

You are in for one hell of an emotionally painful ride but he is asking you to let him go and you need to give him that - if you can't do it for you then do it for him. Let this be the drop in the bucket you need to walk away, cut the ties, NC, and get on with your life.

It sucks yeah but it will be worse if you go back and forth as he tries over and over to be a better man and push you out of his life. And really is that what you want to be - his bad habit he can't break, a crutch? Something he is trying to get away from? The choice is yours.

Good luck OP
True, I really do think that he wants to and that he has to do this for himself. I need to stop letting him in but he seems so unhappy. I need to find the strengh to stop this now because he has made his choice. So hard when he is right in front of me, crying.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 12:24 AM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoundMyStrength View Post
Exactly. Someone on the forums once described it perfectly. When MM say "I love you" what they really mean is "I love the way you make me feel in this moment." They may future fake and fantasize about the rest, but there is no substance behind the ILY. They certainly say it with passion, but they are *not* one step away from leaving their life/wife.
This should be a sticky in every OPs mind, together with Cloches description of the triangle dynamic.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 12:28 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady2163 View Post
I never crossed that line when I was with MM, but I've wondered about it a lot since I ended things almost three years ago. We were together almost 7 years.

Give yourself time to heal. Are you able to get away and go off grid for a few days? This will help you decide if NC is the best for you. You might benefit from just some quiet time to think. It is pretty tough to move on if you don't go NC. I still have sporadic contact with MM and I think it is keeping me from moving on. I'd say for the first six months we still talked four days or more a week. 2.5 years after that, I'm just starting to have really good dates.

About five years ago, conservative Christian MM had a powerful sermon by his minister and asked to give up sex (with me) for Lent. His minister was encouraging everyone to make a legitimate sacrifice for God.

That was kind of the start of the end of things for me. We couldn't see each other then (or now) because I'm not good at telling him "no" and he's not good about not pulling me close and giving the most perfect kisses ever.

While his Lenten sacrifice was a real sacrifice for him, it just made me feel icky. Having sex with me was in the end so wrong, that it was a bad enough habit he had to see if he could give it up for God.
Yes, it is the wrongness of it all that got to MM too and it makes me sad. Who wants to be compared to a bad habit.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 12:30 AM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
True, I really do think that he wants to and that he has to do this for himself. I need to stop letting him in but he seems so unhappy. I need to find the strengh to stop this now because he has made his choice. So hard when he is right in front of me, crying.
He's crying? Jeez, what a looser. Say it aloud, a man is crying over a mistress. Talk about a lack of masculinity. Does his wife know what a wimp he is?.
BuddyX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 12:35 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 349
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Yes, it is the wrongness of it all that got to MM too and it makes me sad. Who wants to be compared to a bad habit.
Can't help but smile (wryly) at this. As I began putting NC into place, my xMM did, in fact, literally call me a bad habit. I was apparently the equivalent of sneaking a cigarette when he wasn't supposed to. Little did he know that that oh-so-loving comparison would put the final nails in the NC coffin.
FoundMyStrength is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 4:11 AM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoundMyStrength View Post
Can't help but smile (wryly) at this. As I began putting NC into place, my xMM did, in fact, literally call me a bad habit. I was apparently the equivalent of sneaking a cigarette when he wasn't supposed to. Little did he know that that oh-so-loving comparison would put the final nails in the NC coffin.
FoundMyStrength, I am sorry if I triggered something - I can definetly relate to this and it feels like I need to kick an addiction myself. I quit smoking about four years ago and that felt like a walk in the park compared to this. I am going away for a few days, just packed my bags, to get a breath of fresh air. He is at home, celebrating his wife's birthday so no need sitting here, wallowing
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 10:15 AM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,470
Quote:
Originally Posted by BuddyX View Post
He's crying? Jeez, what a looser. Say it aloud, a man is crying over a mistress. Talk about a lack of masculinity. Does his wife know what a wimp he is?.
Here you see a classic exhibit of why so many men have trouble talking about their feelings or admitting they even have them.
SolG likes this.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 11:41 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 834
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
Here you see a classic exhibit of why so many men have trouble talking about their feelings or admitting they even have them.
I'm all for emotions, when it's warranted. How about he tells his wife that he's crying over a mistress and see how that goes. Just saying.

There's a time and place for men tears, this is not one of them.
BuddyX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 2:30 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 64
Not knowing anything about the context but being a grown man, I am going to venture out and say those man tears where more of a manipulation tactic
Sampson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2017, 4:20 PM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: sydney Australia
Posts: 1,374
One of the biggest factors in your recovery will be the length of time you have had MM in your life.

It was a huge chunk of your life and you will miss his presence sorely for a long time. You will come out the other end of this quite a different woman to the one who went in 5 years ago.

I speak from 8 years experience. I was too old to want children and have no intention of every marrying again. However, the A robbed me of time with friends, and most importantly family. I was living in isolation and fantasty land half the time.

The a held me back from making positive decisions about my future and generally having an authentic life with no upsets or emotional turmoil. I now feel I can hold my head high. There was a certain sleazy feeling I had about myself when I was the OW. That has gone.

I wish you well and hope you make the decision to go NC. Do not consider him at all. He hasn't considered you for all those years.

Poppy.
Poppy47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My affair is ending......maybe... Burger Chef The Other Man / Woman 30 7th August 2017 11:53 PM
1st day after ending affair ImMiserable The Other Man / Woman 6 9th August 2013 6:15 PM
how do i know if ending its the right thing to do? ummxoxo Breaks and Breaking Up 2 24th September 2009 11:00 AM
ending it the right way-is there such a thing??? newby The Other Man / Woman 10 5th February 2005 8:50 PM
I need help ending an affair! stfrocks The Other Man / Woman 10 23rd June 2004 3:36 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:25 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.