My Story With a MW (long post)

[betweenthesheets]

Before I begin, let me by first stress how horrible I feel for getting involved with a Married Woman, I've had a lot of issues wrestling with the morality aspect of the affair and for failing to stand up for my morals and integrity that I thought I once had. I'm guilty of directing causing hurt and pain to someone else's life (MM) and I truly feeling like a scumbag/bad guy for doing so. Ironically, I've had more than one married woman to pursue me before, all of which I've resisted until now.

 

I work at the same location as the MW, her Department is nearby mine, and 8-10 months ago she started to come in often to chat/flirt with me. We had a connection, it was clear to most, even mentioned by co workers, we have a lot of chemistry, but because she was married, I refused to entertain the thought of anything more than flirting and talking as friends. About 6-7 months ago, she reached out to be on social media, sending photos and offering to hook up. I declined on the basis that she was married, she informed me the next day that she was embarrassed and it was an error in judgement due to alcohol and asked for me to delete the photos and to forget everything. I deleted the photos and pretended that nothing had happen as she requested. Over the next month we continued to talk, more so over social media, she continued to press that she was interested in me, however I reinforced the problem of her being married. She continued to pursue me more and more and I finally gave in primarily due to be sexually frustrated and truly interested in her and the prospects of her soon leaving her husband.

 

For the last 6 months we've started an emotional and physical affair, We've met up, took time off to spend with each other and talk to each other daily every hour we can. She admits that shes extremely sexually frustrated, and due to morality reasons I've withheld intercourse with her, but we have engaged in oral, and touching contact with each other. Allow me to explain at this point, that why I have refused to orgasm in her presence (but have made her orgasm) and have withheld intercourse. I understand that if I've already went as far as I have, that withholding intercourse may not make much sense, but to me it's a huge deal in knowing that I will be judged for what I've done with this affair, and ultimately I deeply question if I would be able to sacrifice what little is left of my integrity and honor after being inside of someone else wife and to orgasm inside of her. Again, I'm not trying to take the moral high ground here, I've realized what I've already engaged with has truly shown that my character is not as strong as I thought it was, but intercourse is my last stance and so far I've resisted several times.

 

Now, with that being said, for the background history and information, this woman has convinced me that she truly is in love with me and I know that I'm in love with her. She's claimed that she's extremely unhappy with her marriage (of 4 years) and married young (she was 23-24 when got married) and never actually being truly in love, but thinking he was the best she could do at that time and that she could grow to love him. Of course she says she truly loves me and only me and has never had an affair or contacted anyone else outside her marriage before. About 1.5 -2 yrs ago, her husband physically assaulted her during an argument which resulted in them being separated temporarily and her relocating to another city away from him. She said she felt lonely, and doubted that she could find anyone else, so she took him back and he moved to where she lives now. Other interesting points on her marriage - I get the strong indication that she feels her husband is extremely dependant on her financially (making much more than he does) and she has expressed without saying that she feels he has and is currently taking advantage of her. Also, they do not currently have any children, but like me, she does want a family one day, but has mentioned that she's not sure if she wants it to be with him. They also do not sleep together or are intimate together (which I realize could be completely false, but do believe her), apparently she makes excuses for not being intimate and he doesn't pry or try to investigate out why. The husband seems to be completely oblivious of what his wife is doing, she has actually tried to make it apparent to him by coming home with my scent, or smelling alcohol on her breath after work, etc.. (I dont believe shes wanting him to discover the affair, she could have revealed it if she wanted to by now) as I've told her, I don't know how anyone could be that oblivious unless hes ignoring the obvious. I truly believe her account and have accepted that she doesn't love him (if anything resents him because of their history) and truly loves me.

 

Now with the history, she's known since we've started the affair, that I desire for us to be together in the right way, that I want to sleep with her, and spend weekends with her, etc and thats dependant on her leaving her husband, and because of her marriage situation that she has described above and my ability to immediately provide for her, it shouldn't be that difficult decision, right? I dont want to come off as cocky or bragging, but I'm completely independant, my own house, a healthy savings, in school, no kids or divorced wives, or any crazy baggage that should make her doubt the big move like that. The MW, has informed me that she has tried to leave him, but shes terrified of hurting him (although she doesn't love him, she's not cold hearted). This is where things became a little questionable to me, even to the extent to where I asked her if she just wanted to have an affair to release her sexual frustrations or was she seriously in love with me? I even asked that she allow me to see other people while we have the affair, but she made it clear that she wanted me to be exclusively with her and that our affair was more than sexual.

 

I've really bit my tongue and have tried not to pressure her and understanding the difficulty it must take in leaving her husband and how big of a decision and process that is (which I have committed to supporting her with her all the way through it). The last 2 months have been really passionate between us (I've come as close as you can get in having intercourse with her) to where we both have expressed our deep love for each other. She did tell her husband a couple of weeks ago that she was unhappy, this happened after she had a few drinks while staying with me and decided to tell him with the hope of leaving him. When she returned home, apparently they both cried it out and the husband decided to move out of the bedroom in order to give her space. He told her that he loves her and doesn't want her to leave and wants to fix and work on their marriage. The next day she was truly devastated, it was clearly all over her face that this was huge moment for her in confronting that she wasn't happy, but she informed me that it really hurt her that she did that to him and apologize that she wasn't sure if she could leave him, I asked if it was out of love or fear of hurting him, and its fear of hurting him she says. Since this was a huge first step, I wanted to give her more time, so I understood and we've continued to spend time as normal together over the last few weeks. This past weekend she informed me that she had told him that she was wanting to leave but didn't want to destroy him (I didnt know she was planning on telling him this, she had said that she wanted to surprise me by coming to my house after doing it), the husband of course firmly told her if she left that it would absolutely destroy him, and that he loves her wants to do whatever it takes so she ended up staying with him but started drinking and msging me how much she loves me and doesnt want me to leave her. The next morning, I asked her if she wanted to leave him or not and if she doesn't want to that's fine, but we shouldn't continue our relationship if she cant leave him. I've expressed to her that I truly starting to realize that I'm the bad guy thats attempting to cause separation of their marriage where I should be encouraging them to strengthen their marriage, although knowing this, I haven't been able to help myself previously, but I cant continue to do so if she's not going to leave. Her response is that she doesn't know what to do, but she doesn't want to lose me, but she doesnt know if she has the courage to leave him.

 

So, that was this past weekend, I decided that on Monday, that even though again, shes expressed serious doubts in being able to leave him, that I would give it one or two more weeks, but the guilt is killing me, and I dont want to waste time in something that will very likely become nothing but pain. Wednesday (1/18) morning rolled around, and I had asked if we were still on for coordinating time off from work to spend time together next week, which she suggested this past weekend. Her reply was surprising saying that "she hasn't thought about it, and would need to think about it and will let me know". At this point, I felt that I was completely being jerked around with, maybe she was **** testing me? Maybe shes starting to lose interest? Regardless, I didn't understand how she could have not thought about us taking time off together to spend together, those are rare, we've only done it twice after she suggested it. My response was how have you not thought about it when you suggested it, and not to worry about it. She replied to my message that she's sorry, she didn't mean for it to seem like she didn't want to see me, and that she will take the time off and that she didn't want for me to be upset. At this point, I decided this would be the day that I break this off, time was running out for how much longer I could do this for and after I felt I was being deceived by her response in not having thought about us taking the day off to be together, I wanted to end it, right there on that note. So my response was for her not to take the time off and that I wanted to talk with her before work that morning.

 

She finally met me at work that morning, and I apologized and said this isn't going to work anymore, I attempted to explain why (since we had a wonderful evening the night before together) but she literally walked away from me and refused to hear what I had to say. Shortly after she begin texting me that she understood and was sad that things were ending this way, and we wished each other well. She then started texting asking why, and that she didn't want me to do this and what would she need to do. I asked her to meet with me, and we did. I explained to her what I was attempting to while she was running away earlier that morning. I explained that the last two times shes told her husband she wanted to leave, she told me that she didn't think she could and it was too painful for her to leave him. I expressed that, if she truly loves me as she says, that I'm confused and doubt our possibilities of actually being able to be together. I also explained why I left this morning, which was due to making me feel like she was playing games with me in her response about us taking time off to be with each other, that I'm risking too much to feel that way and if shes playing games with me on that, I have to question if shes serious about her being in love with me and us truly being together. She claimed that she was drunk when she suggested us taking time off and meeting together, and truly forgot about it, but at the moment, it didn't seem to matter, I told her I believe her, but I think she knew I still have doubts about that. I told her it didn't matter at this point, that it's clear that she's not going to leave her husband and this isn't going to work. She then said what she had scheduled for this weekend (she has to go out of town, with him due to other commitments ) and that she will try leaving him again. I looked at her, and said, so are you asking for the weekend to decide to leave him? She said that she has tried multiple times, but she will try again this weekend. I said okay, I will wait to hear from you on Monday, but I that I think we should avoid each other from this point on until she decides. I left and she texted me that she did in fact love me, and I replied that I loved her too, and followed up with that I was blocking her text until Sunday evening/Monday to hear her decision.

 

I've stuck to my guns so far, but I have noticed that she removed me as a friend on social media, which isn't a good sign for a decision to go in my favor. I found this forum because I am starting to doubt if pressuring her by giving an ultimatum was the right decision, I know that it is for the right reasons, but is it? I love her and want to be with her, but in my mind, I could also put my feelings aside and have fun with her and let her remain in her marriage. That requires me to sacrifice what I've already had, but again, I like the sound of having fun with a woman (obviously with one who isnt married, but I am extremely attracted to this one and would hate to lose out having intercourse with her).

 

I'm conflicted, but as I write all of this out, I feel reassured that I've made the right decision, and I am prepared to walk away if she chooses to stay with her husband, which is 90% likely to happen.

 

Thanks for reading the long post, it really does help to express this out to others with similar experience. I look forward to your opinions.

Edited January 19, 2017 by betweenthesheets

[HeCantBreakMe]

You made the right decision. If she wants to divorce she will- women more than men tend to divorce when they are unhappy. If she is truly as unhappy as she states then she will leave him but in the meantime you do not need to be her crutch or her doormat.

 

Hold strong - if she does leave him she will respect your decision. If she doesn't you have your answer and you can go find someone else who is single and respects you like they should.

 

Though- word of caution if she does leave him I would insist she spend some time a lone working through her own issues (she had an affair - trust me as a WW there are a lot of issues here). If it is meant to be you will wait for her while she works on herself if not- I believe you're better off.

[sandylee1]

That was a very long post indeed. I can't say I read every single word, but my advice would be to stop the affair, have a timeline in your mind for her to leave her husband. If she hasn't by your timeline, move on and block her on phone and email and keep it professional at work.

 

They have no children and if she was truly miserable, she'd be taking steps to deal with it, instead of throwing herself at you like she did.

 

It's possible you being in her life, makes it easier to stay in her marriage (so the longer you have the affair, the longer she stays married)... because of the happiness you bring her. I've got to say, she's getting a good deal receiving a load of O's and not having to return the favour.... I'm not surprised she doesn't want it to stop. It's heaven on earth for her.

 

Once you stop the affair, she will either have to realise her marriage is so bad or she'll find another man to service her.

 

Ask yourself though, would you really want a serious relationship with a woman who would rather deal with her marital problems by having an affair, instead of ending it?

 

Do you know how many other affairs she's had?

 

Do you realise if you did get together, it could only take an argument with you and she's off being the aggressor for sex elsewhere?

 

Not so many women are so brazen after being turned down, but she was relentless? What man wants a wife like her?

 

For a single guy with no baggage, you could do way better than this. If you were only after sex, then I'd say fine (well not really, but you know what I mean).... But you want something more meaningful or you would have already slept with her and somewhere in there (affair aside), you sound like a good man.

[betweenthesheets]

Hecantbreakme & sandylee1, thank you both for your replies. I will definitely take your advice into consideration. As you may know or can imagine, this has been a huge dilemma in my life and having your opinions and feedback really means quite a bit in figuring out how to handle it all.

 

And yes, you're right, my primary objective is that I do want a true and meaningful relationship other than just sex. But as Sandy said, I believe if not me, she will just find someone else to service her, and that thought unnerves me and then I begin to wonder if I should just service her and suppress thoughts about love and a future relationship (even though she says she wants more than just a sexual relationship).

 

It's confusing because my heart and hormones are competing about how to handle the situation, right now the heart is winning (hence the ultimatum), but I fear I may regret following my heart instead of my hormones since shes likely to stay in the marriage and find someone who is willing to listen to their hormones instead.

[BuddyX]

Unless she had a DDay she'll cameback. Trust me. This is all on you. Will you take her back?

[sandylee1]

Hecantbreakme & sandylee1, thank you both for your replies.

 

 

But as Sandy said, I believe if not me, she will just find someone else to service her,

 

That would confirm she never loved you, but was using you for your oral skills.

 

I begin to wonder if I should just service her and suppress thoughts about love and a future relationship

 

Why should you have to do that?

Her actions don't match her words.

 

And what motivation would she have to leave him if you were still to deliver the goods.?

 

It's confusing because my heart and hormones are competing about how to handle the situation, right now the heart is winning (hence the ultimatum), but I fear I may regret following my heart instead of my hormones since shes likely to stay in the marriage and find someone who is willing to listen to their hormones instead.

 

You'll regret what exactly?

 

-Not being a secret?

-Not being able to take your girlfriend out in public?

-Not being able to visit your GF?

not being able to call her whenever?

-Spending holidays alone?

-Sneaking around like a grounded teenager?

-Not being able to meet her family?

-Not being able to put photos of the both of you on social media (if that's your kind of thing)

 

It might suit her better to get a MM to have an affair with instead. He won't leave his marriage and neither will she.

 

They'll be on a level playing field and be restricted with the time they can devote . The single 'other', gets a raw deal all the time.

 

Have you ever really thought that she could just be telling a load of lies about her husband and she's just a serial cheat?

 

Some women are like that you know.

[betweenthesheets]

Unless she had a DDay she'll cameback. Trust me. This is all on you. Will you take her back?

 

I don't know. It's hard not wanting to when I think of her sexually.

[betweenthesheets]

You'll regret what exactly?

 

-Not being a secret?

-Not being able to take your girlfriend out in public?

-Not being able to visit your GF?

not being able to call her whenever?

-Spending holidays alone?

-Sneaking around like a grounded teenager?

-Not being able to meet her family?

-Not being able to put photos of the both of you on social media (if that's your kind of thing)

 

It might suit her better to get a MM to have an affair with instead. He won't leave his marriage and neither will she.

 

They'll be on a level playing field and be restricted with the time they can devote . The single 'other', gets a raw deal all the time.

 

Have you ever really thought that she could just be telling a load of lies about her husband and she's just a serial cheat?

 

Some women are like that you know.

 

I'll regret losing her, even if I'm just the side other guy. I could easily just have a lot of fun with her sexually and be done with worrying about the husband, in a sick way, I just wish I could have that mindset and not care about anything else, but here in lies the confiction, I also want more than just sexual and I don't want to continue to dishonor their marriage and myself.

 

Yes, I've considered that, but I haven't seen any evidence of that yet, she really does spend a lot of her available free time with me, not to say that she couldn't be messaging other dudes. I figured since I'm withholding intercourse and have forced her to confront her husband about being unhappy, if she had others, why would she hold on to me rather than cut me loose for someone that won't challenge her marriage and will deliver everything she wants ?

[Sooner or Later]

I would go NC.

 

But first, I would say, "If you leave your husband, I am open to continuing this relationship--that is, if I haven't met someone in the meantime--but this possibility will be over in five (or six) months (end of June or July). After this, the window for us is closed."

 

Strict NC in the meantime. She has to make up her mind, leave him or stay in that time frame. No contact in these next 5 or 6 months after you have this last conversation. You need to move on with your life. While in NC, I would carry on and even date if you choose. You'll know your answer by then.

[Confused48]

Between - You sound desperate to me. Like you believe you have no better options for sex or love. That can't be true, although until you get some distance away from this person, it may in effect be true.

 

This MW could be genuinely feeling strong feelings for you when she is in your presence but her actions are what you need to think about. You can stay with her and get what you can from her, while it lasts. However, this will be at the expense of your self esteem and likely you will be missing out on better opportunities with truly available women.

[BuddyX]

I don't know. It's hard not wanting to when I think of her sexually.

 

Then you got some growing up to do. Repeat after me; she does not have a monopoly on Hotness.

 

There are million of women out there who are hotter and are single. One thing you also have to remember is the affect your escapade is having in your work place. People are talking. This can not be good for your career.

[betweenthesheets]

I would go NC.

 

But first, I would say, "If you leave your husband, I am open to continuing this relationship--that is, if I haven't met someone in the meantime--but this possibility will be over in five (or six) months (end of June or July). After this, the window for us is closed."

 

Strict NC in the meantime. She has to make up her mind, leave him or stay in that time frame. No contact in these next 5 or 6 months after you have this last conversation. You need to move on with your life. While in NC, I would carry on and even date if you choose. You'll know your answer by then.

 

 

I agree, NC is the direction that I've taken to this point. She actually just texted me this morning something irrelevant to what's going on, but I've decided to ignore the message. I will give her till Monday to decide as we agreed, if she chooses the husband (which I think she will) I will continue NC and begin dating again.

[betweenthesheets]

Between - You sound desperate to me. Like you believe you have no better options for sex or love. That can't be true, although until you get some distance away from this person, it may in effect be true.

 

This MW could be genuinely feeling strong feelings for you when she is in your presence but her actions are what you need to think about. You can stay with her and get what you can from her, while it lasts. However, this will be at the expense of your self esteem and likely you will be missing out on better opportunities with truly available women.

 

 

I admit, I don't feel like I do too hot at the dating game, especially when I have so much going on (full time school, career, side business, etc) but that's not a valid excuse why I should feel like I have no other options. If I stay strong and stand my ground, I will just try to get back out into the dating world, I will definitely avoid married women.

[betweenthesheets]

Then you got some growing up to do. Repeat after me; she does not have a monopoly on Hotness.

 

There are million of women out there who are hotter and are single. One thing you also have to remember is the affect your escapade is having in your work place. People are talking. This can not be good for your career.

 

Haha, yeah, I would have to agree with you on the growing up part.

 

Yeah, our chemistry and connection is noticeable to others, we have cooled the public flirting down quite a bit because my co workers started making comments.

[sandylee1]

I'll regret losing her, even if I'm just the side other guy. I could easily just have a lot of fun with her sexually

 

That will get you more emotionally attached to her and you'll find it harder to break it off.

 

 

Don't compromise your true values for her, when she's not willing to do anything for you.

 

The cheating isn't an issue for her, but it is for you. Do you want to be at the end of her husband's fist if he finds out.

 

Both parties in a romantic relationships should be equals. Why would you settle for being the guy on the side? Is she way beyond what you think you can get in a woman, in terms of looks?

 

Is there any particular reason you didn't have a GF already?

 

Do you have any idea why she targeted you specifically? Although you never know if there weren't others she tried it with.

 

Something at made her persist time and again with you. I'm thinking it was a weak "no" from you initially, but she knew you'd crack if she kept on and ramped it up.

 

If you get sucked back in she'll know you're prepared to take whatever she throws at you and she'll hold all the power.

 

He who cares less in relationships like this, hold the most power.

[Birdies]

I think you're doing the right thing, no doubt. If she doesn't choose you, staying in an affair will only postpone and magnify the super duper shltty heartbreak and suffering you'll go through later. Add to that if you guys have a D-Day and it gets blown wide open in your workplace, and it's a complete and utter disaster waiting to happen. (Trust me, unfortunately I speak from experience on that.)

 

I would also caution you that "limerance" (infatuation) is a real thing. Make sure you think through all of this woman's various characteristics and personality traits VERY carefully. Is this actually someone who you could share a life with in the day-to-day? It's all well and good when you're meeting up to have hot almost-sex and talk about how much you love each other and how much the other person is the most perfect creature on the planet. It's a lot different when you're bickering about dishes or whose turn it is to scoop the cat box or whatever, or you realize that your approaches to spending / cleanliness / hobbies / work-life balance / travel etc etc etc are wildly different.

Edited January 19, 2017 by Birdies

[betweenthesheets]

Don't compromise your true values for her, when she's not willing to do anything for you.

 

The cheating isn't an issue for her, but it is for you. Do you want to be at the end of her husband's fist if he finds out.

 

Both parties in a romantic relationships should be equals. Why would you settle for being the guy on the side? Is she way beyond what you think you can get in a woman, in terms of looks?

 

Is there any particular reason you didn't have a GF already?

 

Do you have any idea why she targeted you specifically? Although you never know if there weren't others she tried it with.

 

Something at made her persist time and again with you. I'm thinking it was a weak "no" from you initially, but she knew you'd crack if she kept on and ramped it up.

 

If you get sucked back in she'll know you're prepared to take whatever she throws at you and she'll hold all the power.

 

He who cares less in relationships like this, hold the most power.

 

In terms of looks, she's okay, she has some very nice features that I am fond of.

 

Not particular reason why I didn't already have a GF, right now my time is primarily spent at work and home due to full time career and school. I need to step out more, but honestly, dating hasn't been my strongest suit.

 

I don't know why she targeted me specifically, she said she knew we had a connection and chemistry when we first started, which we definitely did. She also claims that I turn her on sexually more than anyone other man has before, but she doesn't know exactly why. I don't know if that's true or not but she does go multiple times when we're together that way. You're right, there could have been others before, I asked her early on when we were starting to cross the lines of friendship if she had done anything like this before, she said she hasn't.

 

Initially it was a strong no, but I continued to talk with her as normal. She was persistent and did weaken my defenses little by little.

 

I do agree with you if I give in after issuing the ultimatum that she will know she has power over me. I really am trying hard to stand my ground for Monday's decision and move on if it doesn't go my way:

[ShatteredLady]

Wow! She moved in on you VERY hard & fast. She's only been married 4 years? How long have they been together in total? WoW! Hmmm! I know you've got it bad but I feel that your bubble needs bursting.

 

You sound like a really nice guy (other than the whole destroying her husband, affair with MW stuff. Nice girls DON'T like that kind of man!!) but I've never known a poor, innocent girl be that relentless in getting what she wants.

 

Please be careful. In my old company there was MW named Tessa. She told the same sort of story. Her horrid, mean abusive husband frightened her & she needed a loving man to save her. Over the decade I worked there I lost count of the number of account mangers she bedded. She NEVER took no for an answer!

 

The thing is...I knew her husband! Lovely, gentle man. The kind of guy women call 'teddy bear'. SHE was the abusive one! Ok she had a lot of daddy issues & suffered from anorexia & the alcohol hit her hard! One night she let the company dumb, good old boy (about 35 years older than her) put his hand up her skirt to orgasm in front of 1/2 the company!! She left shortly after that...

 

I know that this has colored my view. I'm bias. I see so many warning signs here. Are you positive that there hasn't been company gossip about her 'chemistry' with others? I've NEVER heard of a 'nice girl' in a bad marriage persuing a man that hard. Maybe if you'd said yes & hooked-up at the start she would of bored & moved on by now? Is that possible?

 

Take some time. Clear your mind & try to REALLY analyze this from every angle. This IS bad for your career but I'm more concerned about your heart. I know it's romantic to be told that you're the only one she's ever loved but I bet she said the same to her husband before she made vows before God, her family & friends.

 

4 years is a very short time to be married. How's she going to behave when she's had you for a while & you have your first fight? When she doesn't get EXACTLY what she wants? She doesn't seem like a 'lady' who likes hearing "No!".

 

She earns a lot of money. They don't have kids. According to her she never loved him AND he's abusive! Why on earth is she married to that man? Oh yes! She thought she couldn't get another man because she's such a shrinking violet!!!

 

She seems to be able to get any man (even one who finds adultery morally repulsive) if she wants to. Why did she settle for such an awful husband? A man who's so scary & controlling that he's promising her the world, crying & moving into the spare bedroom to give her 'space'. He sounds like a monster

 

Have you looked at HIS social media? What do you know about him that she HASN'T told you? Why don't you investigate the man you're complicit in destroying?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hello Sheets. Welcome and glad you had the courage to post here. I'm a fOW. I can much relate to your story. Actually found myself thinking in some parts that some of what your MW said to you reminds me of my xMM being a coward (and he even said as much without prompting once). Also what I took away is that she isn't too motivated to leave her marriage--so let that be validation of your nagging concern. One of the indicators on this, imo, is that they had a physical altercation before you ever came along and SHE STAYED. Also, the fact that she feels bad for her H and is so concerned for his feelings and welfare mean that her situation isn't so terrible...if it were, she'd say to herself, "I feel badly for hurting my H, but I'm so damn miserable I have to get out even if it hurts him. Staying in is hurting me too much." But that's not what's happening. My instinct is also telling me she has been craving attention from her husband, and once H realized the M was in jeopardy, he gave her the attention she desired. That's why she (temporarily) forgot you. I believe her feelings for you were genuine in the moment, but when she started comparing them to the roots with her H, coupled with now receiving the attention she was craving, well presently they pale in comparison...until her husband begins ignoring her again and she comes to you to validate her attractiveness, etc. Now, kindly pay attention to the following statement, which applies whether or not she's married: she has self-esteem issues. That's quite apparent. She married out of fear of not doing better. She went back to someone who physically abused her. She remains in an unhappy situation rather than standing up for her needs and wants. These are indicators of lack of self-worth. These issues would plague a relationship between the two of you regardless of her marital status with someone else.

 

Lastly, I'd like to compliment you on some points. Don't beat yourself up on your moral fortitude. You have made a mistake. She did pursue you and wear you down, but giving in was a mistake. However, you've exhibited some really great strength and character in that you didn't take up the offer straight away for some easy tail(please forgive if that sounds crass), and at least you've drawn the line somewhere in this sexually. Also you've shown genuine concern for her and her feelings, even when she hasn't always returned the favor. Now you are drawing a line of how much further this goes until she takes action on her end to get out of her M (I agree she is not even close to doing that since she's so concerned about hubby)...this is good for both of you! Thank God you have the self-worth to do this. Bravo (and sexy)!

 

Look, as a single lady, you exhibit some of the qualities I hope to find in my life partner. That means there are plenty of single ladies who are (most importantly) healthier who would be attracted to you besides MW who can't decide if she cares enough about you to do what she needs to be with you. Btw, I also noticed she's doing conflict avoidance with you...repeating the behavior she engages in with her H. It's likely if you ended up with her, without her taking serious stock of herself and effort to improve her conflict skills, that she would repeat this behavior with you now having the shoe on the other foot.

 

Bottom line: you did the right thing! the best thing! She's a grown woman who knows what she needs to do to be with you. She knows how to find you should she ever take those steps. Until then...keep it moving! You sound like a great guy. You deserve better! Better is out there. Another connection with someone available now is out there. If she woman's up, you'll know because she'll find you(she had no problem pursuing you doggedly from the beginning). If she doesn't, then you haven't invested anything more in a dead end. Totally sucks, I know. Believe me, I know! Start your healing now. You've come to a great place for that. Good people here will help you. Post here everytime you have a rough day. I'm rooting for you!

[betweenthesheets]

Wow! She moved in on you VERY hard & fast. She's only been married 4 years? How long have they been together in total? WoW! Hmmm! I know you've got it bad but I feel that your bubble needs bursting.

 

You sound like a really nice guy (other than the whole destroying her husband, affair with MW stuff. Nice girls DON'T like that kind of man!!) but I've never known a poor, innocent girl be that relentless in getting what she wants.

 

Please be careful. In my old company there was MW named Tessa. She told the same sort of story. Her horrid, mean abusive husband frightened her & she needed a loving man to save her. Over the decade I worked there I lost count of the number of account mangers she bedded. She NEVER took no for an answer!

 

The thing is...I knew her husband! Lovely, gentle man. The kind of guy women call 'teddy bear'. SHE was the abusive one! Ok she had a lot of daddy issues & suffered from anorexia & the alcohol hit her hard! One night she let the company dumb, good old boy (about 35 years older than her) put his hand up her skirt to orgasm in front of 1/2 the company!! She left shortly after that...

 

I know that this has colored my view. I'm bias. I see so many warning signs here. Are you positive that there hasn't been company gossip about her 'chemistry' with others? I've NEVER heard of a 'nice girl' in a bad marriage persuing a man that hard. Maybe if you'd said yes & hooked-up at the start she would of bored & moved on by now? Is that possible?

 

Take some time. Clear your mind & try to REALLY analyze this from every angle. This IS bad for your career but I'm more concerned about your heart. I know it's romantic to be told that you're the only one she's ever loved but I bet she said the same to her husband before she made vows before God, her family & friends.

 

4 years is a very short time to be married. How's she going to behave when she's had you for a while & you have your first fight? When she doesn't get EXACTLY what she wants? She doesn't seem like a 'lady' who likes hearing "No!".

 

She earns a lot of money. They don't have kids. According to her she never loved him AND he's abusive! Why on earth is she married to that man? Oh yes! She thought she couldn't get another man because she's such a shrinking violet!!!

 

She seems to be able to get any man (even one who finds adultery morally repulsive) if she wants to. Why did she settle for such an awful husband? A man who's so scary & controlling that he's promising her the world, crying & moving into the spare bedroom to give her 'space'. He sounds like a monster

 

Have you looked at HIS social media? What do you know about him that she HASN'T told you? Why don't you investigate the man you're complicit in destroying?

 

I'll be honest, I wouldn't consider her a "nice" girl per se, she's a freak

In bed and has been with many in the past, this is extremely appealing sexually to me. I do understand the risk in being engaged with someone of that nature and the increase risk that brings if we were actually able to be together.

 

I do agree, the husband doesn't sound like a bad guy, I have been able to verify one account of what she claims about her husband, but I'm not able to verify the prior abuse. That instance of abuse seemed isolated, however it was serious enough to change their relationship.

 

Yes, I've looked at his social media account, but only with a limited view due to not being friends to see his complete account. He doesn't seem like a bad guy outside of the instance of the assault. I do feel bad being complicit in what I'm doing that impacts him, this is another prime reason why I've refused intercourse and am fighting the urge just to have fun with her regardless if she leaves or not. I don't know how to find anything further on the husband without tipping the hat that something is going on (although as mentioned in the post, he should've caught on already), even if I could, I'm not sure what it would accomplish other than the chance of me feeling more guilty about what I've done.

[startingagain15]

My BF had a situation something like this. Hot, young, married girl, they move from just friends to an "attraction" which quickly becomes a full blown affair. Girl promises she is about to leave her husband (of 3 years or so) and get a divorce. BF continues in the affair with her for 3-4 months waiting for her to leave her husband, until she gets tired of him and dumps him. BF is still emotionally scarred from it all. (Not saying he doesn't deserve it for being so blinded by young hot sex that he abandoned all morals.)

 

Anyway this girl, it comes to find out BF wasn't her first affair, he was at least her third, and now 2 year later she is in another affair, only this time with a married man that she got to leave his wife and young kids for her. Oh, but she is still married to her husband with no signs of separation or divorce. I don't think she wants to leave her husband, just wants the ego strokes and sex on the side from men who believe her lies. And she must get some enjoyment out of crushing men's souls or something.

 

Is your MW really worth all your heartache? Move on and find a nice single girl. You deserve better.

[betweenthesheets]

Hello Sheets. Welcome and glad you had the courage to post here. I'm a fOW. I can much relate to your story. Actually found myself thinking in some parts that some of what your MW said to you reminds me of my xMM being a coward (and he even said as much without prompting once). Also what I took away is that she isn't too motivated to leave her marriage--so let that be validation of your nagging concern. One of the indicators on this, imo, is that they had a physical altercation before you ever came along and SHE STAYED. Also, the fact that she feels bad for her H and is so concerned for his feelings and welfare mean that her situation isn't so terrible...if it were, she'd say to herself, "I feel badly for hurting my H, but I'm so damn miserable I have to get out even if it hurts him. Staying in is hurting me too much." But that's not what's happening. My instinct is also telling me she has been craving attention from her husband, and once H realized the M was in jeopardy, he gave her the attention she desired. That's why she (temporarily) forgot you. I believe her feelings for you were genuine in the moment, but when she started comparing them to the roots with her H, coupled with now receiving the attention she was craving, well presently they pale in comparison...until her husband begins ignoring her again and she comes to you to validate her attractiveness, etc. Now, kindly pay attention to the following statement, which applies whether or not she's married: she has self-esteem issues. That's quite apparent. She married out of fear of not doing better. She went back to someone who physically abused her. She remains in an unhappy situation rather than standing up for her needs and wants. These are indicators of lack of self-worth. These issues would plague a relationship between the two of you regardless of her marital status with someone else.

 

Lastly, I'd like to compliment you on some points. Don't beat yourself up on your moral fortitude. You have made a mistake. She did pursue you and wear you down, but giving in was a mistake. However, you've exhibited some really great strength and character in that you didn't take up the offer straight away for some easy tail(please forgive if that sounds crass), and at least you've drawn the line somewhere in this sexually. Also you've shown genuine concern for her and her feelings, even when she hasn't always returned the favor. Now you are drawing a line of how much further this goes until she takes action on her end to get out of her M (I agree she is not even close to doing that since she's so concerned about hubby)...this is good for both of you! Thank God you have the self-worth to do this. Bravo (and sexy)!

 

Look, as a single lady, you exhibit some of the qualities I hope to find in my life partner. That means there are plenty of single ladies who are (most importantly) healthier who would be attracted to you besides MW who can't decide if she cares enough about you to do what she needs to be with you. Btw, I also noticed she's doing conflict avoidance with you...repeating the behavior she engages in with her H. It's likely if you ended up with her, without her taking serious stock of herself and effort to improve her conflict skills, that she would repeat this behavior with you now having the shoe on the other foot.

 

Bottom line: you did the right thing! the best thing! She's a grown woman who knows what she needs to do to be with you. She knows how to find you should she ever take those steps. Until then...keep it moving! You sound like a great guy. You deserve better! Better is out there. Another connection with someone available now is out there. If she woman's up, you'll know because she'll find you(she had no problem pursuing you doggedly from the beginning). If she doesn't, then you haven't invested anything more in a dead end. Totally sucks, I know. Believe me, I know! Start your healing now. You've come to a great place for that. Good people here will help you. Post here everytime you have a rough day. I'm rooting for you!

 

Hadmeoverabarrel, wow, your comments were amazing and I felt like your analysis was extremely close to how I also feel. Thank you for the compliments, but I'm being honest with myself to know I don't deserve praise for handling this situation, if anything I deserve an ass kicking from the husband, but thank you though.

 

She does indeed have self esteem issues, and I've attempted to help her with that by reinforcing and building her up, and I'm not saying compliments just to say it, these are compliments that are true, such as her being beautiful, not over weight, intelligent, etc.. maybe another contrasting factor between the husband and I. Even knowing all of this and all of the risk, I still love this woman, if she does leave her husband by Monday, I will happily accept those risk and attempt to have a long term relationship with her.

 

Thank you again for your extremely thoughtful and insightful comments,

Hadmeover. By the way, what does FoW mean?

[betweenthesheets]

My BF had a situation something like this. Hot, young, married girl, they move from just friends to an "attraction" which quickly becomes a full blown affair. Girl promises she is about to leave her husband (of 3 years or so) and get a divorce. BF continues in the affair with her for 3-4 months waiting for her to leave her husband, until she gets tired of him and dumps him. BF is still emotionally scarred from it all. (Not saying he doesn't deserve it for being so blinded by young hot sex that he abandoned all morals.)

 

Anyway this girl, it comes to find out BF wasn't her first affair, he was at least her third, and now 2 year later she is in another affair, only this time with a married man that she got to leave his wife and young kids for her. Oh, but she is still married to her husband with no signs of separation or divorce. I don't think she wants to leave her husband, just wants the ego strokes and sex on the side from men who believe her lies. And she must get some enjoyment out of crushing men's souls or something.

 

Is your MW really worth all your heartache? Move on and find a nice single girl. You deserve better.

 

She's worth it if what she's told me is true (which I believe it is) and if she leaves her husband then she's worth it all.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

 

Thank you again for your extremely thoughtful and insightful comments,

Hadmeover. By the way, what does FoW mean?

 

You're welcome! fOW=former other woman.

Even if she picks you on Monday, please keep posting. There will be many ups and downs. That's one of the things I've learned here. Best of luck to you!

[betweenthesheets]

You're welcome! fOW=former other woman.

Even if she picks you on Monday, please keep posting. There will be many ups and downs. That's one of the things I've learned here. Best of luck to you!

 

Thanks again hadmeover, so far I'm in awe with the community and constructive feedback I'm getting, I can't express how lost I felt I was being in this situation until I found this site. It's people like yourself who make a difference for those challenging times that we need guidance and advice on that isn't easily obtainable. Thank you and everyone else again