crazyinlove27 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 So d day happened on new years eve after our affair ended but we were messaging as friends. I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried about him. I'm wondering if I should contact him on his works phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Omg no. No. Use your energy to read through this collection of nightmares that make up affairs. Please know that he's not being held against his will. If he wanted to be in touch he would. This is a great way to start 2017 fresh and new. Find a soul mate who's not married. There are so many. And so many great men who don't cheat and lie. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyselfnow Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 So d day happened on new years eve after our affair ended but we were messaging as friends. I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried about him. I'm wondering if I should contact him on his works phone. No, of course not. He's fine. He's with his wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 .............................no................................ Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 There's no need to worry about him as he is fine. He's cleaning up the mess he's made with his wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 No, of course not. He's fine. He's with his wife. This. He isn't your concern. He has a wife and family to be concerned for him and to care for him should any accident or illness befall him. Your affair ended amicably and the rest is silence. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 So d day happened on new years eve after our affair ended but we were messaging as friends. I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried about him. I'm wondering if I should contact him on his works phone. I'm "friends" with the exMM as well. It's been three years since the PA ended, amicably. IF a DDAY happened, there are still 3-4 ways he could get in touch with me. They don't require superhuman effort. Example: he has a rarely used email his W doesn't know about. Because of confidential information she would never have access to his work computer (and he is the boss in his company), so it would take him just a few minutes to log into that provider and message me. Also, in the States, most public libraries have computers and there is a library five minutes from his workplace, so even if she insisted on tracking his phone, he could leave it at work and run there for a few minutes. What exactly are you worried about? Some women do physically throw a few blows and punches when they find out, but I'd guess that is mainly damaging to an ego and not his body. If she committed a serious assault or caused his death a Google search or local news source search would show that story. (And totally, awful, but regrettably, nothing you could do). He probably hasn't been committed to a locked psych ward against his will. Depending on his religion, he's probably not in a remote location being "reprogrammed". I'm honestly not being an ass, but what about the situation are you worried about? How is he faring emotionally? Well, it's a tough time. You can't really help him through this. As OW (and exOW), we have to face up to our part and the results of the mess we make. Part of our process and punishment is NC or extreme LC. He's in self preservation mode. I'm not sure how DDAY went down. Maybe he does still love his wife, but his home life is hell as he deals with her emotions and his. Maybe he is hoping against hope she won't divorce him and leave him destitute and barely seeing his kids. Sadly, all too often, MM may say they love the OW, but when push come to shove, they put themselves first. I'd try some "soft stalking" first. That means checking his digital footprint and that of his spouse. It gets creepy when you stalk his kids. I'm not telling you to not call him at work. Just make sure it is for the right reason AND you prepare yourself for any response. Good, bad and indifferent. Dear God, prepare yourself for a bad response. He could get angry and say awful things, he could just have an all too brief conversation where he asks you never to contact him again or he could just hear your voice and hang up without any conversation. The odds are you are going to get rejected and I don't know that any rejection can really be cushioned. I'm not immune to this, but if I DDAY happened, I'd still be wanting to cover my own ass. ExMM and W are friends with a very distant family member. So, if W outed us, I'd expect some shock and screams from that far away branch on the family tree. A couple of them are pretty hotheaded and unkind, so I'm sure I would be called all sorts of names before I was made persona non grata. And, from the things I've read on here about what many BS want to do, and even though I'm long distance, I'd be a bit worried that his wife would show up on my doorstep to scream - or throw a few punches. It would be out of character for her, but it could happen. Take care of yourself and put yourself first. Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 I know you're worried about him, but contacting him is guaranteed to make his situation worse and to prolong the recovery and healing for you. DETACH! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Why worry about him? He isn't worried about you. Take your worry and kindness and give it to yourself, the one who deserves those things from you. The MM has his wife to worry over him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 I think you should examine your feelings and motives a bit more. "I'm worried about him." Well, a month ago you wanted his wife to know and you wanted him to suffer. Now you are just a kind-hearted friend who has his best interests at heart? If that's the case, then I think that him living honestly and working on his marriage are in his best interests. He wouldn't have deleted and blocked you if he wasn't set on NC. So for you to try to go around that will probably not end well. Best case scenario he'll be nice and offer you some closure . . . but that won't change things, really. You'll still be heartbroken and without him. But this is a guy who had no qualms signing up for AM, seeking out an affair, getting a woman pregnant, messaging other women, etc. So he is probably not going to have a nice conversation with you. He'll either try to use you for more illicit sex, or he'll blame you for the affair and be really cold. If he's following the rules, he'll tell his wife about your phone call, and you'll look crazy and just give them a reason to bond. It's up to you of course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 (edited) He took retreat. He might have acted upon it if he cared about you right now. If you take further from here, it is going to get sneakier and ugly. On top of it his wife is trying to work although there was no fault of hers, respect it. Work on your issues which is drawing you to these kind of relationships ( mistaking agenda attention for love), like I am doing right now. Move on as its over. The short answer: no Yes, i was the OW. I aint preaching, I am just warning on the aftermath after the DDay. Edited January 6, 2017 by freengreen Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 There's no need to worry about him as he is fine. He's cleaning up the mess he's made with his wife. I don't know about him being fine maybe a fine mess but definitely is most likely kissing his wife's azz! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 No, you shouldn't contact him. His wife is probably going through enough trauma as it is. Do you want to make it worse for her? He is obviously not interested in reassuring you, so leave it alone. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 PLEASE!! Just let this appalling 'man' go from your life!!! I know that you repeatedly say that you have very low self-esteem. Are you now in IC? You should be working on YOU. Focusing on YOU. This is NOT your friend. This is a serial married cheat that you hooked-up with on Ashley Madison for goodness sake! You say that he talked to you when you had received some bad news. That does NOT make him your friend. Please stop clinging on to this horrible example of a human being. It's only making you feel worse about yourself. Please remember that you were one of many, many, MANY women that you know of, that he was trying to have sex with WHILE he was having sex with you AND his wife. Remember how he further damaged your life. As a result of hooking-up with him you have had a traumatic abortion. That should NOT bond you to him! He had sex with you in his FAMILY HOME, with innocent CHILDREN sleeping upstairs!!! He does NOT care about anyone, even his own children!! Why on earth would you care about him?? His poor wife is utterly destroyed. You have been complicit in bringing agony & devastation to a family....AND YOURSELF!! PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER AGAIN!! Please believe me. You do not want this kind of lowlife in your world. Grow, heal & change. You can do it. Trying to keep him in your life in any way is so incredibly self-destructive. Please see that! Never go on a ridiculous site like Ashley Madison again!! I advise you to find a really good therapist. Stay away from men until you have some introspection & true understanding of why you brought this nightmare into your life & WHY on earth you would want to keep him in it. PLEASE! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Onlywhenitrains Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 so d day happened on new years eve after our affair ended but we were messaging as friends. I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried about him. I'm wondering if i should contact him on his works phone. no. No. No. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 No, he ended the friendship when he had a d day. If he wanted contact he knows how to get hold of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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