In a bit of a dilemma..

[hondababe]

Hi,

I've shared my story before - got involved with a co-worker without knowing he was married, fell for him, found out he was married etc.. and continued..

 

Dilemma now is that I have a great opportunity through work to go and work in New York for a year (Im in UK). 4 people were chosen from 20, and its a fantastic opportunity. However, i now know that he is another one of the 4. The board of the company chose who goes etc, so there has been no fiddling a way to get a place. When we found out about each other's place, i wasnt sure about it. His response was "good news" "another reason for me to go". He seemed fine with it and didnt seem concerned. He went to a conference a couple of weeks ago and we had some text banter in the evening, about NY etc. Then next morning he asked how my previous nights xmas party went, i replied, and then didnt hear anything from him.

He was due in the office the following week for 2 days (1 night) and we usually see each other, i asked if we would see each other. He didnt reply, so i booked a room for myself so that when i went out that evening with work colleages for another xmas meal (he was attending too) i could have a drink and have my own room so i didnt have to drive home. So I then get a text saying "I like seeing you but i dont like people at work talking about us, and its even more so now that some people we both have a place in NY to go to work. I'd prefer to leave it and see what happens in new york"

Fair enough, i understand that we both want to be known for our hard work, and its really busy for us both (and stressful) with all the details re NY and it being christmas time etc. So i went to the meal (having told him that i wasnt sure whether i should be talking to him at the meal etc - he said yes we should be talking to each other at the meal).

 

We ended up sat beside each other and he did talk to me, as he did with others. Subject got onto NY and he was happy to talk about it with others, then he joked about my driving and it was obvious to those there that we were close. I asked who was talking about us and he said a couple of peoples names (theyve always known due to him not being discreet on works nights out) and then he mentioned another guy who lives in the country he comes from. (I think this is what has made him back off as its a bit too close to home).

 

I had texted him back and said "to be honest it feels like you dont want to see me again but are covering it with this"people are talking" thing. Is that the case" he immediately wrote back "it is not the case. i am not in the mood at the moment, people talking annoys me. I am tired, i dont want tos ee anybody, i am grumpy and i dont like to be like this. It is not against you, it is me in a bad shape".

 

ANyway, we all left the meal and went back to hotel. He went to his room, said night to people but blanked me (or maybe i turned away and blanked him first i think) then a workmate asked me what that was all about. and i got upset. My work mate suggested i go talk to him to sort things out as to what was going on. I texted and said i wanted to talk, it would only take 5 mins. so.. ended up in his room, i talked he listened, he talked a bit. He asked if i wanted to stay as i had had a few drinks and couldnt drive. i said i had my own room in the hotel. He looked a bit surprised at that. He asked 3 times if i wanted to stay. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. i ended up staying. we just got into bed, ended up hugging in each others arms. then he mucked about a bit (we didnt have sex) and he fell asleep hugging me. Next morning i got up while he was in the shower,and was ready to go back to my room. I said i was going, we had a peck on the lips (thats usual) and i went to go, he ran after me with some hotel cookies asking if i wanted them. then asked my room number so he could put it on expenses so i didnt have to pay it.

I then saw him at work where he came over and asked a silly question about work related matters that just sounded like he had made it up to come over. Then he left for his flight and i was at a table discussing something with my boss. He said goodbye to my boss, then turned and said bye to me but lingered that split second too long, and my boss saw it i think. Since then I spoke to my life coach about it and he suggested i send an email (not bossy and angry etc) but one more out of kindness to see where the land lays now. I have had no reply, and heard nothing at all.

 

My dilemma is, how am i going to go to NY as one of 4 when he is another one of the 4? How do i deal with it? Its a real stressful time at the moment as I have probably about 5 weeks to get everything packed (have to give up an apartment, put everything in storage etc) and I have a 2.5 week round the world holiday in February before I go, so not much time to do everything, and this is causing me more stress.

Help. What would you do? I dont know where i stand with him, dont know what it will turn out like in NY, should i not go? If i dont go i will always regret not taking that once in a lifetime opportunity.

 

Sorry for the long post!

[aileD]

First it's obvious you're being used because he cools off when things get a little too inconvenient for him.

 

You decide NY for you. It's your career. But I think you need to break things off completely with him before that happens. Would his wife be going to NY? Because if you go for a year and get closer to him you're just going to be even more devastated when he dumps you for his wife upon return. Or when his wife finds out and dumps you. Or when you get fired.

 

This doesn't end welll forbtou emotionally

[hondababe]

Thanks. I'm on day 4 of NC from my side.

[Whoknew30]

Don't blow an opportunity bc of him!

 

You're going to New York, do you know how many eligible men are there! Go, up your career & have fun! Never let a man that makes you only an option be in charge of what's best for you...you can love another, even in the wrong situation & not let them have power over you. Good luck

[hondababe]

Also, him saying "id prefer to leave it and see what happens in the US" is that him ending it?

[Whoknew30]

Also, him saying "id prefer to leave it and see what happens in the US" is that him ending it?

 

No, he's not. He's leaving it open for "whatever happens" he's making sure he is keeping his options open...don't be his option.

[Chica80]

Also, him saying "id prefer to leave it and see what happens in the US" is that him ending it?

 

No...he will end it when it's convenient for him and not working for him.

 

Do not give up this opportunity for him. But if you leave the door open for more communication It will ruin everything for you. This is an amazing chance for you!!

 

He is not really saying anything is he? He "creates" these little moments for you. It's all the drama that we women fall for. And you eat it up....He brought me cookies. He stayed a little longer....We longingly gazed at eachother...he hugged me a little tighter..... It's all a bunch of ***t. And we women EAT IT UP.

 

He is not saying anything or doing anything. He gives you a small crumble of a cookie...and lets YOU fill in the blank of creating a whole cookie out of nothing. So he doesn't "really" have anything to feel guilty for right? Because he's not "really" doing anything wrong.

 

YOU will fill in all these blanks. If his wife is not going to NY. I'm sure he is right now working to slowly butter you up. So you will be a sure bet in NY. How convenient for him. But totally heartbreaking for you.

 

Go to NY, meet up with single people. Make friends with single people you work with that can show you the city. It's an amazing opportunity. Don't let it be wasted.

[hondababe]

Thank you, that makes sense. I doubt his wife is going to NY. We cannot bring partners/wives on our visa. How you can leave a spouse for year seems weird to me, but then I dont know.

 

He has pulled away since that day at work on the 21st (or maybe its just cos its christmas holidays). He pulls away and i go running. But i havent this time.

 

In the next 4 weeks there will be a lot of detail about the move to NY that comes our way and usually we would talk about the issues he was having with it or me having issues with dates to start etc. I think he will contact me when all that starts happening. But (and even though my heart is screaming different from this) I am going to not contact. I have so much to do before then workwise, packing wise, organising wise, and a round the world trip (on my own!) in february, and i have to have dinners with friends to say goodbye for a year etc.

[Starswillshine]

This should be an exciting time for you. Don't let him get in the way of that. Go to NY, go have fun. NY is a great city to be single in. Don't let him waste your time there!

[hondababe]

This should be an exciting time for you. Don't let him get in the way of that. Go to NY, go have fun. NY is a great city to be single in. Don't let him waste your time there!

 

I know, but i know I will find it difficult. We ill be living in the same community of apartments, sharing the same gym, same route to the office, same outdoor pool. There is a group of 4 of us going, and we will have to socialise a fair bit together around work stuff.

[Whoknew30]

I know, but i know I will find it difficult. We ill be living in the same community of apartments, sharing the same gym, same route to the office, same outdoor pool. There is a group of 4 of us going, and we will have to socialise a fair bit together around work stuff.

 

Who cares & this coming from a girl that's had an A. You're going to move to a new country, an exciting city & if you let him ruin it, then what a slap in the face to yourself. Honestly if you let him ruin such an exciting time in your life, don't even go. Let someone that really will take advantage, have the opportunity.

 

I loved my AP but I would have never allowed him to take away a awesome opportunity from me. This is your choice & yours alone how this will play out. You blow it, it's not him...it's you that's your biggest problem.

[eye of the storm]

hondababe, stop looking for ways to fail and start looking for ways to succeed.

 

Same gym, go different times. If he asks when you are going, tell him that you aren't going that day, then if he sees you there, you changed your mind.

 

Carpooling to work, him in the front seat, you go to the back. Him in the back, you get in the front.

 

Pool, skin cancer and wrinkles. Go back inside. When he isn't there, wow, new sun block.

 

You can do this.

[jennifernyc84]

I think of it like this.

 

If I've never been able to change his life, then I shouldn't allow him to change mine.

 

Go to New York. Have a great year and forget all about what's-his-face.

 

It sounds like such an awesome opportunity. Wishing you the best!!

[notmyselfnow]

Also, him saying "id prefer to leave it and see what happens in the US" is that him ending it?

 

No. That means, "I would like to have sex with you when it's convenient for me."

 

And, a note of caution. Yes, it would completely suck to blow a great opportunity, and yes, he should not be able to dictate your life to you. But can you really pull away? The fact that you would interpret the statement above as anything but a manipulation on his part makes me doubt you are strong enough to not engage with him during an unmonitored year away. I think you will fall back into the affair, have a miserable year, and be crushed at the end. Is he your superior? You may also lose your job and reputation.

 

I encourage you to be completely honest with yourself. Do you really think you can stay away from all that temptation? It may be that you should turn down this opportunity, sad as that is. There are consequences to our actions, and an affair with a co-worker is often a bad idea for the career consequences alone, let alone all the other aspects.

[hondababe]

Yeah that's my worry :/

[freengreen]

He will push the right buttons. He will keep pushing them. If you manage to pull your worth up, then you will just do your thing, have fun, do great things at your job and return.

 

If not you will sleep with him. After that you will sulk while he will just do his thing, have fun( with others), do great things at his job.

 

You already know the answer to your question . You just need to stick to it.

[BuddyX]

So many women on the forum repeating the same story; "I can't control myself around him. I don't know what to do?".

 

First of all. He's married, and it's an affair.

 

Second. If a guy wants to sleep with you he has to be Single. And has to respect you. That's the foundation for a healthy relationship.

 

Go to NYC. Have fun. But follow the 2 rules.

[ShatteredLady]

Ok...I've never had an affair.

 

Now that's out of the way. Why on earth would you not go??

 

From friends, acquaintances & forum friends I think I've gleaned enough to tell you this...

 

* You're either going to figure out having an affair with this guy is bad now, or later, or you'll end-up together & you'll be pulling your hair out wondering what he's getting up-to when he goes to work.

 

* Whatever happens, if you DON'T go you will regret it for a VERY, VERY long time!

 

* Whatever, eventually the dust will settle & you will start to focus on YOU again. Then every single thing that you sacrificed for nothing will haunt you. Sacrifice something HUGE like this & you WILL mourn it!!

 

* Just go! Stop stressing it!!

 

* You're already having an affair with him & you're emotionally involved. How much worse can it get?

 

* If you pull out from this NYC opportunity EVERYONE will know it's about a man (in one way or another) & it will damage your career.

 

* JUST GO AND LOVE IT!!!!

 

I've just returned from 18 years in America. Living in a different country is an amazing opportunity. NYC is FANTASTIC!!! I cringe saying this...(Nearly) As good as London!!! I'll take your place!!! I'd LOVE a year there!!

[hondababe]

he hasn't tried to contact me, so maybe he's done with it anyway.

[sandylee1]

he hasn't tried to contact me, so maybe he's done with it anyway.

 

When It's safer and he is In MY, he'll hit you up for some sex. As long as colleauges aren't snuffing around, because he can't have his wife finding out.

 

 

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who lied about being married in the first place?

 

It's a great career opportunitiy. .. don't pass it up, but don't get so comfortable with him in that year and then be relegated to the underground once you're back here.

 

Don't have a BF, who is another woman's husband. It never ends well and someone always gets hurt. From the way he's backing off, that someone will be you.

 

Surely you can do better than that.

 

I always wonder, .doesn't it bother you knowing that the penis he puts in you, goes in his wife too? Or if /when you give him oral ... that his wife does too. Why share it?

[hondababe]

Yes it bothers me, it all bothers me now. I've gone NC. I'm finding it incredibly difficult. I'm usually a strong person.

[Rea]

Yes it bothers me, it all bothers me now. I've gone NC. I'm finding it incredibly difficult. I'm usually a strong person.

 

Hondababe, you ARE a strong person, that's why you are posting here. You are fighting for your self preservation. Do not let the crudeness of a certain poster affect you. You are doing well, by posting here shows you are hanging in there. Kudos to you!

 

If you truly want the NY opportunity for YOU & not for the 'you & him', you should go for it. You have it within you to gain control of this. Why let HIM cheat you out of an opportunity of a lifetime. A year in NY! Think of the new friends, acquaintances and opportunities this could bring you. Go, but don't allow HIM to screw it all up for you.

 

If you want it for the 'you & him', just be prepared for the heart ache that may come with that. Brace yourself if that is what you choose.

 

I wish you the best.

[FoundMyStrength]

If you want it for the 'you & him', just be prepared for the heart ache that may come with that. Brace yourself if that is what you choose.

 

Be sure to also brace yourself for the consequences that come when a woman gets involved with a married man that she works with, and the affair blows up in their faces. Like it or not, there's a double standard in our society, and you will be the one who comes out with the short straw. Rather than getting the chance to enjoy a great job opportunity in NYC, you may end up with a pink slip.

[hondababe]

He hasnt talked to me since i last saw him. I have just messaged him to say im done. thats it.

 

 

I am going to NY to have a good year for me now.

 

Why do i feel so angry though?

[BuddyX]

Because you were an option and got discarded. Not feeling wanted sucks.