For the MM on here who went NC

[Somedaymaybe81]

I'm 7 weeks post Dday and I'm still trying to figure this all out as he's the one who went completely NC. Ihave some questions if there any MM on here who went NC.

 

How did it make you feel to just go. Leave. Never look back Did you think about your OW? Did you think about how she might be feeling or were you ok with your decision?

 

Was there any thought of you going back? Did you go back? Did you mean all the things you said to her during your A?

 

I just really want to know what he's thinking.

 

Thank you.

[drypuddle]

Edited to completely erase my question. I don't want to entertain what thoughts or feelings the exMM might be experiencing.

Edited December 5, 2016 by drypuddle

[LargoLagg]

I'm 7 weeks post Dday and I'm still trying to figure this all out as he's the one who went completely NC. Ihave some questions if there any MM on here who went NC.

 

How did it make you feel to just go. Leave. Never look back Did you think about your OW? Did you think about how she might be feeling or were you ok with your decision?

 

Was there any thought of you going back? Did you go back? Did you mean all the things you said to her during your A?

 

I just really want to know what he's thinking.

 

Thank you.

I'm going to tell you that just as you can't flip a switch and let it all go in one day, most likely, neither can your MM.

 

That said, he made a choice when he was with you, and I think that most people don't think a lot about what it's really like after you make that choice. There's the lying and hiding and feelings of betrayal and fear. Things are out of your control, you rely on a woman, who you now realize you barely know, to keep your most secret of secrets. Suddenly, you're totally vulnerable. All this was obvious before the choice was made, but we're men, so more than likely, we didn't think of all this.

 

Then he made another choice, which is the one you're dealing with now. I have to believe it's difficult, that he misses seeing you and talking to you and whatever else you may have done together. But he's probably also committed to seeing this decision through, for whatever reasons he has.

 

I imagine some go back but most don't. For your own sanity, you have to go on the assumption that he won't. Assuming you're single, you've got the easy side. You can date freely and enjoy the variety of life. He has a tough road ahead of him, to rebuild trust with his wife, and to be sure that this is what he really wants.

 

Let it go. You've been dumped. It's never easy, but the standard advice is to let it go and get on with your life.

[BoaConstrictor]

I'm the MW, so take this with a grain of salt, given the gender differences, but it took me a few tries to be NC. My EA was short but extremely painful to end. When I faltered with NC, I noticed a trend with the OM: the sense that because I have a spouse who loves me that it is somehow easier or that I immediately moved on. Now that might have just been his attempt to get me to contradict him and he knew damn well I was still thinking about him fairly regularly. But yeah, I find it silly this concept that the dumper in a affair situation somehow automatically goes from thinking about a person to not thinking about them at all.

 

Of course I still think about him. Of course I miss him. Of course I still wonder what he's doing. Of course I still have the urge to contact him. Quite often, actually. My husband knows it; I find it hard to believe that the OM doesn't. But of course he doesn't see me on a day-to-day, hourly basis.

 

Near the end, I did self-censor myself quite a bit and didn't tell him what I was thinking and feeling, in large part because I wanted to spare him any more pain. And I had a sense that if I pulled back it would make it easier for him to move on. If he knew what I was actually thinking, it would likely have made it harder.

[sunrise_sunset]

Someday, thank you for this. I logged in tonight to update my own post with such similar questions -- after yet another attempt at NC (on my part) before T-giving and yet another minor setback, my MM has gone completely NC for about a week now. This is not like him at all (usually it's me running for the hills).

 

What goes through their heads? How does one just shut it down? Perhaps they are doing US a favor?

 

More importantly, how are you doing/coping?

[Somedaymaybe81]

Edited to completely erase my question. I don't want to entertain what thoughts or feelings the exMM might be experiencing.

 

I know it may not be what he's thinking exactly but I'm insterested in your point of view.

[Somedaymaybe81]

I'm going to tell you that just as you can't flip a switch and let it all go in one day, most likely, neither can your MM.

 

That said, he made a choice when he was with you, and I think that most people don't think a lot about what it's really like after you make that choice. There's the lying and hiding and feelings of betrayal and fear. Things are out of your control, you rely on a woman, who you now realize you barely know, to keep your most secret of secrets. Suddenly, you're totally vulnerable. All this was obvious before the choice was made, but we're men, so more than likely, we didn't think of all this.

 

Then he made another choice, which is the one you're dealing with now. I have to believe it's difficult, that he misses seeing you and talking to you and whatever else you may have done together. But he's probably also committed to seeing this decision through, for whatever reasons he has.

 

I imagine some go back but most don't. For your own sanity, you have to go on the assumption that he won't. Assuming you're single, you've got the easy side. You can date freely and enjoy the variety of life. He has a tough road ahead of him, to rebuild trust with his wife, and to be sure that this is what he really wants.

 

Let it go. You've been dumped. It's never easy, but the standard advice is to let it go and get on with your life.

 

I am letting it go with him. I won't contact or be where he is. I just can't get over the fact that he told me he loved me 1 week prior and then poof..gone.

[Somedaymaybe81]

Someday, thank you for this. I logged in tonight to update my own post with such similar questions -- after yet another attempt at NC (on my part) before T-giving and yet another minor setback, my MM has gone completely NC for about a week now. This is not like him at all (usually it's me running for the hills).

 

What goes through their heads? How does one just shut it down? Perhaps they are doing US a favor?

 

More importantly, how are you doing/coping?

 

I'm sorry you are going through the same thing.

 

It's hard. Really really hard. I'm 7 weeks with NC. Hes getting closer at work, trying to be where I am. I changed my whole routine, it's very hard to see him. I was in his office the other day (had no choice) and he kept calling me "ma'am" he used to call me that as we were both into S & M. I know he was doing it on purpose, but why when he blocked me on the way we used to chat? I feel like he's trying to torture me.

 

I don't know I'm just trying to figure this out. And yes I think I'm the long run, they are doing us a favor.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm sorry you are going through the same thing.

 

It's hard. Really really hard. I'm 7 weeks with NC. Hes getting closer at work, trying to be where I am. I changed my whole routine, it's very hard to see him. I was in his office the other day (had no choice) and he kept calling me "ma'am" he used to call me that as we were both into S & M. I know he was doing it on purpose, but why when he blocked me on the way we used to chat? I feel like he's trying to torture me.

 

I don't know I'm just trying to figure this out. And yes I think I'm the long run, they are doing us a favor.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

Honestly, from experience I am sure he misses you. Now, if he misses the real you or the sex, or the high of the affair is another question and one only he could answer (though I am assuming since he is still married we have our answer).

 

The fact of the matter is - you two work together. The addiction to the affair will get him and someone (you or him) will make a mistake and you are right back at square 1. If you are looking for smoke signals or wondering what he is thinking or doing you are falling back into that trap already. You cannot rely on him to be the one to shut that door it has to be you. As someone who has been there and made that mistake I would recommend doing EVERYTHING in your power to stay away from him; even looking for a new job as fast as possible.

[BluesPower]

Ladies and I guess OM, but I am talking to the ladies mostly.

 

Some of your MM loved you, it is not really healthy to think about that, but some did. Some of them did not love you. Some of them lied like dogs to get next to you and some really felt something.

 

Now, while I never lied to my OW's I did not love them the way that they loved me, which was a problem for everyone. When I realized that they were getting feelings I tried to break it off with most of them.

 

But a lot of them I really cared about, was it love, I don't know, but I really liked them so much.

 

Some of them I really tried to break up with them as a favor so they could move on, because I knew I could not be with them the way that they wanted.

 

Some of them, I cared about so much that I was a selfish jerk and I let the relationship continue far longer than I should have.

 

Men are able to compartmentalize better than most women, but don't think that because your xMM cut contact that they did not think about you fondly. I know I always did.

[Satu]

I understand why you're thinking about this, but you just can't know what he's thinking and feeling.

 

Try to concentrate on yourself, and your own thoughts and feelings.

 

 

Take care.

[LargoLagg]

I am letting it go with him. I won't contact or be where he is. I just can't get over the fact that he told me he loved me 1 week prior and then poof..gone.

Go to the breakup forum and see just how common this really is. Also, "poof" doesn't mean he doesn't still love you. It just means he'd rather not and he's doing his damnedest to make it so.

 

There's a difference.

[FoundMyStrength]

Go to the breakup forum and see just how common this really is. Also, "poof" doesn't mean he doesn't still love you. It just means he'd rather not and he's doing his damnedest to make it so.

 

There's a difference.

 

Which makes complete sense to me. As an xOW, I feel like I'm doing the same. I love him, truly, but don't really want to if it means damaging or destroying his marriage, so I'm doing my damnedest to make it so.

[lftbehind]

Ladies and I guess OM, but I am talking to the ladies mostly.

 

Some of your MM loved you, it is not really healthy to think about that, but some did. Some of them did not love you. Some of them lied like dogs to get next to you and some really felt something.

 

Now, while I never lied to my OW's I did not love them the way that they loved me, which was a problem for everyone. When I realized that they were getting feelings I tried to break it off with most of them.

 

But a lot of them I really cared about, was it love, I don't know, but I really liked them so much.

 

Some of them I really tried to break up with them as a favor so they could move on, because I knew I could not be with them the way that they wanted.

 

Some of them, I cared about so much that I was a selfish jerk and I let the relationship continue far longer than I should have.

 

Men are able to compartmentalize better than most women, but don't think that because your xMM cut contact that they did not think about you fondly. I know I always did.

 

If you really cared about them, you wouldn't have started affairs with them. You basically knew that you were out for sex and that most women get attached when they have sex with a man. You knew that the women would get hurt in the end.

[BoaConstrictor]

If you really cared about them, you wouldn't have started affairs with them. You basically knew that you were out for sex and that most women get attached when they have sex with a man. You knew that the women would get hurt in the end.

 

I don't know. I wouldn't argue that this necessarily falls along gender lines. For instance, in my case as the MW with the single OM, I was the one who was in it more for the sexual high. In my case this came from online interactions, since we never met, but regardless, he was the one looking for a real relationship with companionship, love, commitment, etc. And it really bothered him that for me it was just about sex.

 

But I didn't need the love and companionship; I already have it with my husband. What I wanted was the newness and the sexual high of communicating with someone new who was into me.

 

I recognize this was the height of selfishness, and he was the one who got hurt in the end because he wanted more. Obviously my husband has been hurt as well (and I guess by extension me). There are no winners here.

 

I guess my point is that the different expectations aren't necessarily a function of man versus woman but just married person versus single person.

 

As an aside, I heard from the OM today via e-mail. I haven't responded, though I really, really want to. Why do I want to? Because despite all the pain and such, I still care for him. But I'm trying to stay strong for his sake as much as mine and my family.

[Outofmysystem]

Hmmm, the "did he ever love me?" Question....in my case it was did SHE ever really love me....my XOW now divorced and 2 months out hooking up with another co-worker (again, there was a pattern) it really doesn't matter in the end....I did love her, and still do to a point.....I think about her all the time, sometimes and not at all really...."triggers" can do it.....it was worse in the beginning as I obsessed with that question because she fed me over 6 years how much she "loved me", that "I was her life" , bla, bla, bla.....but women can shut it down and walk away too just like guys can....In the end it wasn't enough to keep her anyway, money, sex, stuff, highs and lows.....All but wasted time like the song says

[sunrise_sunset]

I am letting it go with him. I won't contact or be where he is. I just can't get over the fact that he told me he loved me 1 week prior and then poof..gone.

 

Someday -- I raced to the computer tonight to check in. I wanted to let you know I just did the same. One week ago, after our second NC, we were together with him making all the effort -- and poof...gone...on his part. This was rare for us, as previously mentioned. I have been the one who has tried to send him packing, which is not easy to do 100% since we work for the same company. But tonight, I asked the tough questions. I don't necessarily expect responses, but if I get any, you can bet your ass I'll share them here with you. I asked him how, after months of "I love yous" and "You are so special" and blahblahblah, he could ghost me completely for several days on end. I asked him if it felt good to him that he made someone feel completely used, sad, and angry. Would anyone wish those feelings on someone else?

 

Anyway, like I said -- I don't expect a response. I struggle with blocking via phone because of work, but I have blocked all forms of social media and deleted the App we used to use on our phones. But if I get ANY kind of explanation, I'll share here. I sure hope you're holding up. I consider myself still a full week NC, since we have not had actual contact. Instead, just me giving a piece of my mind and stepping out of the whole situation. I'm done. Are you?