MarmaladeSkies Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Hi everyone. I'm new here. I've been in a relationship with a MM for 8 years and been through a lot together. We've reached a point now where we are discussing the future. We've discussed it plenty of times before but this time it's serious. I'm not really looking for people to tell me it'll never happen (as I'm fully aware that is a possibility). I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation to me as I don't have any close friends and nobody I know understands what it's like. Basically, I really need a friend right now that isn't going to judge me. I hope this sort of post is allowed... MarmaladeSkies Link to post Share on other sites
MissG Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 In a similar situation, but not holding my breath. A 30-yr-marriage is hard to dissolve, and esp if you've been in the A for a few years, it's just the status quo. For him it's the easiest way to live his life. Unless the M is really bad ..... and even then, he could've taken the necessary steps 8 years ago and he didn't. Why does he seem more on board now? Kids in college? Does he have a game plan? Is his W aware? The M is the main focus here, and if they're not on the same page about D, then I don't see it happen. Men tend to not D if it's not absolutely necessary and/or easy enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Onlywhenitrains Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Hi, and welcome to LS! You provided very little information in your post for me to tell how serious this talk about the future is. If you read threads around here, it is more common that They don't leave their marriages and engage in those "serious talks about the future" to keep other woman in the affair. Usually, if a married man wants to leave, he leaves regardless of the affair. Again, that is the most common scenario. But, there is not much info in your post to tell. Wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
LGBJUNHAO Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Been with mine for almost 4 year. He is in the middle of getting divorced. Hopefully he will officially be divorced by the end of next year. We started talking about have a future together two year into our relationship, and then I asked for a timeline, and he gave me one which I accepted. and he had all his duck in the roll and stuck to the time line he gave me. there are still days, I have anxiety and unhappy and hope he could be divorced sooner. I don't know How I could be in this kind of relationship for 4 years. If I could have done all over again, I wouldn't choose to be in this. Being in an affair takes toll on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I have not been in your situation. But actions are the things to look for. What plans are in place? Is there follow through? How will you deal with the aftermath? Are there children involved? These would be things to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Hi everyone. I'm new here. I've been in a relationship with a MM for 8 years and been through a lot together. We've reached a point now where we are discussing the future. We've discussed it plenty of times before but this time it's serious. I'm not really looking for people to tell me it'll never happen (as I'm fully aware that is a possibility). I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation to me as I don't have any close friends and nobody I know understands what it's like. Basically, I really need a friend right now that isn't going to judge me. I hope this sort of post is allowed... MarmaladeSkies Hi Marmalade, my A began more than 8 years ago too. How has the A been for you? How has MM been? Has he done lots of disappearances/ reappearances? Has he been consistent towards you or totally inconsistent? Why did he mention a future with you NOW and not 8 years ago, or 4 years ago...? Has something changed for him/ you at home? Was it his idea? Welcome to LS 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Are there kids? Does his wife know how he feels? Are they separated in any way? I am now in a more traditional relationship with my former MM (we were both married ). It can happen, but it's not the norm by any means. Most people here won't judge you as long as you're willing to listen to other people's viewpoints / advice, so come back and post away if you need someone to talk to! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarmaladeSkies Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Wow, thanks for all the replies... I'll answer the questions in order... I think he is more on board now because we are both completely fed up with being apart and he can see how lonely I am. There's also additional life issues for me at the moment so he knows I need to know what's going on with us before I can plan the rest of my life. The plan was made back in June to start discussing in October as there was a few things we needed to both focus our energy on and then in October we started talking and it's still going on. We plan to know by Christmas. In terms of how he has been with me... he's been amazing. We went through a rough patch about 6 years ago and had a few separations which never lasted more than a few weeks and since then it's been pretty much perfect. He's been incredibly supportive as I've had many family, work, financial, friendship and mental health issues. In reply to Adoraxx he has, in my opinion, been very consistent. There are kids involved and that's the sticking point. In terms of him and the W they are emotionally separated but still live as a family - I do know this and not just guessing or taking his word for it btw! Thanks for all your responses. I feel so scared. Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 What makes it so different this time to any of the discussions before now? Are you seeing actions to reinforce the plan? Are you confirming what is being said with hard evidence? You say that you 'know' what the relationship is like between MM and W but how does she feel about the M? Is she ready to let it go? Do you know from her? When you say 'we' plan to know before Christmas, plan to know what? It doesn't sound very definite. I'm not trying to cast doubt, I've been here, from both sides, reality is very different to the fantasy, only when you see real actions can you trust there is movement, not words words and more words, they are easy and mean nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Please keep your expectations in check. I was with my MM for over 6 years. He finally decided to divorce. Told his W. Then started pushing the dates back. They would tell their (adult) kids after this event, then after that event. Then he agreed to let her try to save their M for a year. And if I would just wait. And we don't know what the future will bring. .... lots and lots of words. No actions. This board helped me listen to his actions and not his words. I hope things work out for you. But I would not be buying lottery tickets. He was ok for 8 years with the status quo. Do not trust words. Only trust actions. Link to post Share on other sites
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