NC vs LC at the office - so hard

[sunrise_sunset]

Deep breath. Here goes.

I have spent more time on this incredibly helpful site the past few months, looking for answers, trying to make sense of where I am in this whole craziness.

 

A little background: I met my AP through work over two years ago, and we still work together – but not that closely, fortunately (we run into each other around the office usually once or twice each day). We are both married with kids.

 

I've been with H for over 10yrs. However, I fell fast and hard right from the get-go for my AP – I was extremely attracted to him, and I couldn’t believe I had feelings for someone other than my H.

 

My H is a great guy, great dad – we are very much a team these days, but there is no romance at all. That went out the window after kids were born. No sex ever, no nothing – and I was OK with this, because we have been so focused on the kids and our jobs.

 

After meeting AP, though…wow. I was blown away by my own reaction to this person. We have all had crushes, but this went beyond crush. I made a total fool of myself around him everytime I saw him, it’s kind of hysterical, thinking back to those days. We became great friends, and we found we had common interests – and he was one of the only people at the job who took a genuine interest in my life.

 

Fast forward about a year later, to him mentioning that we should get together outside the office. I didn’t respond, knowing the second I did – I’d be lost forever. From there, it took about three more months before we were talking about our feelings for each other. It escalated quickly, as I’m finding it has with many here. That was just about one year ago now.

 

We have managed to appear so friendly at work, and the passion takes over when we get together (which was weekly, sometimes twice a week). This started to change over the summer, when the communication (we talk mostly via text, or on the phone) began to decrease on his part, as did our plans to see each other. I started reaching out more, to the point where I was making all the effort. We saw each other less and less, he claimed it was due to starting a new business, which I had known about for some time.

 

I started to worry I was trying too hard, and attempted to talk to him about it – but he is extremely conflict avoidant! Said everything was fine, but it gradually got to the point where we were only seeing each other at work – nothing else.

 

I finally sent a “goodbye letter,” telling him I was heartbroken that everything kind of shut down on his end. I left the door open, saying hopefully someday we’d find each other once again, and that of course happened several weeks later, when he reached out and called – and things picked right back up once again. That was three months ago.

 

Fast forward to this past week…we had planned to spend an evening together last week, but even after our usual “no promises” promise, I still hoped. As I always do. The day before, I heard nothing. The day of, I heard nothing. That evening, I reached out, asking if there was any kind of plan. No response at all. I sent an angry msg later that night, attempting to call this entire thing off once again. I heard nothing – it was agonizing returning to work yesterday, where we saw each other and it was awkward.

 

Today – much better. We had LC and it was all just fine, right back to our usual banter. I sent a msg tonight to let him know I was bringing lunch for some of the staff in tomorrow, as some of us do on occasion. No response. I am kicking myself, wishing I had never broken the NC outside of work. It kills me, though. I hate that it’s come to this. I can’t sleep, I never stop thinking about him, and I’m pretty sure he is keeping his distance now to put an end to this for good. I have to assume he is not responding to let me know he is okay with this being OVER.

 

He has a fairly strong relationship with his W, but incredibly, neither of us has expressed guilt over this whole thing. I’ve always kept it so separate from my life at home. But when it starts taking over my entire thought process, my sleep – I have to move forward and get healthy again. So my question here – how on earth do you folks manage to continue working together, keeping a strong guard up, and maintain NC outside the office? I need to move on from this, and I’m working towards finding another job – I believe he is too, so by next year this could all change...I can only hope!

Edited November 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[BenchCoach]

I don't see how, being as you still harbor feelings for this man. I feel that you will fall back into the affair as long as you work in the same vicinity as him.

 

Question- have you ever approached your husband concerning the lack of physical intimacy on his part? Getting into an affair isn't really a good solution to your problem. I suggest you seek counseling for this marital problem, rather than seeking false gratification in the arms of another man.

 

 

No offense, but when writing such a lengthy post, it's a good idea to break it down into coherent paragraphs. This is one giant block of text... hurt my eyes reading it.

Edited November 16, 2016 by BenchCoach

[Grey Cloud]

There is no way you can manage this situation logically and rationally until one of you leaves work. There is no other way. You are in way too deep and you can't even focus on your marriage because your thoughts are consumed by this guy.

 

I was in a similar situation to you. My xMM left our workplace almost 9 months ago (after a year long affair and being friends for 2 years prior). It has taken me this long to feel back to normal! I still have the odd moments but for the most part I am no longer obsessed or fantasising or stressing 24/7. Granted the last 9 months has had periods of LC so it might have happened quicker if I had stuck to absolute NC. If I still had to work with him everyday there is NO way I would be able to even think about moving forwards with him there as a constant reminder.

 

You are going through all the classic signs of push/pull, hot/cold with your MM. The not responding is what my xMM used to do. The novelty has worn off for your MM. If he has a good marriage he has too much to lose and why risk him texting you after hours? However it is still convenient for him to see you at work and have some banter to keep his ego inflated and so he is not the bad guy. Guaranteed he is still having sex with his wife so you are just an optional extra whereas he is obviously filling a big void for you in a sexless marriage.

 

It sounds like you are investing way more emotional energy into this whole thing than he is. As I did too

 

I am sure you can't bear the thought of leaving work (and him) but you must to even stand a chance. Otherwise your life will be dictated by whether you have had a "good" day with him or not, whether he has responded to you or not. And you lashing out at him because your scheduled "no promises" catch up didn't happen is just the start of more irrational behaviour as you struggle to cope. I didn't even recognise myself at the end! I am much more calm and stable not to mention sleep better now!

 

He is not going anywhere, he is not leaving his wife, he is where he wants to be. I am afraid you have a bit of soul searching to do in regards to your life, what you want from your husband and the future. A MM is not the answer. The only way forward is making some drastic changes.

[sunrise_sunset]

Hallelujah -- I have to say Grey Cloud & Bench Coach, you are the first people in my LIFE to respond to me about this entire situation. I have had no sounding board, I have told no one, and I cannot begin to thank you for even attempting to reply to my lengthy, paragraph-less post! From here on out, I shall be known as "She Who Does Not Use Paragraphs." Just kidding, rookie mistake, I'll do better.

 

So yes, I appreciate the comments so much, and I know I've got some soul searching to do. The whole work-thing is not an uncommon situation (thank you LS posters), but wow I sure felt like it was most special, most unique situation around. I am keeping that ego inflated -- it's all I'm doing now. There is nothing left, if the novelty has worn off...but HE was the one who came back around after I ended it last! I guess he knew he could break me.

 

It's the most frustrating thing, as it's taken over my mind and my thoughts at all hours of the day and night. I slept maybe 3 hours (all broken sleep) last night...and you were right: I was having a down day yesterday, and the minute we spoke, everything turned right side up once again. Like nothing had changed. I feel like he must be trying to keep NC outside the confines of the office.

 

Thank GOD for LS, because after combing through these threads, I'm finally starting to understand why. I just need to figure out how to get through each day without letting LC dictate my feelings! And for you Grey Cloud -- nine months later! How was it when he first left the job? I'm looking constantly for something new, and I'm certain he is as well (since we used to talk about it quite often). I'll keep posting, but I'm so grateful for feedback, because I have had no one to reach out to about this. I see IC in my future. And as for my H -- yes there are some decisions to face about him, as well. He is rarely present, but when he is, it's 100% kids. Which is great for them. And therein lies my struggle of not wanting to change up my situation at home.

 

Sigh. I'm in way too deep.

[Grey Cloud]

Your MM coming back after you ended things the first time around means nothing more then him wanting a bit on the side again. It's not because of true feelings! My xMM came back only 2 months ago after 7 long months!! I didn't see it happening. I didn't succumb but I did waver. It's what they do! Don't read anything else into it. Guaranteed he will come back for more with you. You will feel relief but it will be short lived and it will just stuff you up further!

 

When he first left work 9 months ago I felt a tiny bit relieved as the 3 weeks beforehand when he was carrying out his notice period were horrendous. I felt like my stomach was in knots, I couldn't eat and I just thought how am I going to survive without him in my life? When he left I thought at least now it's day one and I can get on with my life. The next month was a blur. I remember getting teary a lot and triggering all the time. In fact I would say the first 3 months were incredibly difficult. I felt sad all the time. Then I started to have some good days but I would say only in the last month have I felt I might be approaching indifference. I never thought that would happen in the early days!

 

Time and distance really do work. I blocked him on Facebook back in August and that was a big turning point in starting to feel better. Prior to that I was stalking him constantly on social media!

 

It is really a long painful journey ahead of you to feel better and move on but it is an achieveble one. Eventually you will hit rock bottom and the only way is up!

[BluesPower]

So, glad you came here, and GC always does good work.

 

Now you know the basics, and do not under any circumstances allow him back into your life.

 

Now, the hard part. Because as you start to heal from your affair, and you will, you are still going to have to deal with your marriage.

 

So here are the basic questions to start that process. Do you want your marriage? Do you love your husband? Can you work to get the passion back? Do you want to?

 

Soon if not now, you will have to deal with these questions.

 

If you don't know yet, generally affair sex is great, a few had bad experiences, but most of us really enjoyed it. It is mostly because of the excitement of the affair.

 

But you know that living in a sexless marriage set you up for this pain. And, you are just as responsible for keeping up the passion in the marriage as your husband is.

 

So what do you think you want to do with the rest of your life and your marriage???

[What_Did_I_Do]

Yes, that's exactly what your MM is doing - pulling away and hoping you'll get the hint and leave him be. Good gravy we make fools of ourselves in trying to get their attention.

 

He may come back around when he's interested in a little lovin' or ego boost, but it will be nothing more than that. The longer you sink into this A, the harder it will be to climb out. It is just not worth it!

 

Can you take a vacation with your H and reinvest in your M? From what you've posted it appears to be a lack of communication between you two and that can easily be fixed.

[jah526]

I'm in the same boat. I work with guy. I'm doing what I can to avoid him when possible. I've got a Thanksgiving lunch coming up tomorrow and I'm also trying to avoid going to that, even if it's frowned upon by management.

 

My situation is different than yours. But when I start thinking good things about him I try to counter it with remembering all the hurtful things he did to me. And trying to remember that he was using me for his own gratification and didn't give a damn about me.

 

I'm also taking an anti-depressant to help with anxiety and sleep. And I'm coming here to read supportive things instead of stalking him on FB.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You cannot heal and be near him- it is just that simple. Think of him as a drug and you as a drug addict. No matter how 'mentally strong' you think you are if that drug puts itself in front of you you will find yourself picking it up and then before you know it you are back in the habit and using on the regular and wondering how in the hell did i get back here again?

 

The only way to have true healing is to leave, it is as simple as that.

 

It isn't about him, and if he loves you or doesn't love you the fact is he is married and so are you. It hurts - so. damn.bad. And nothing can take that pain away BUT time, distance, and perspective. Once you start getting those you will start feeling better- i promise.

 

I am in your same position and i am putting my resignation in on the 29th of this month. I was 2 months out of NC and thinking i was getting stronger and healing- I had a bit of a relapse these past few days and it made me realize that truly no matter how strong you think you are a smart recovering addict NEVER puts them self in front of their drug. First lesson in AA. Be kind to yourself and to your family - put them first in your decision making process right now and you will start moving in the right direction.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You cannot heal and be near him- it is just that simple. Think of him as a drug and you as a drug addict. No matter how 'mentally strong' you think you are if that drug puts itself in front of you you will find yourself picking it up and then before you know it you are back in the habit and using on the regular and wondering how in the hell did i get back here again?

 

The only way to have true healing is to leave, it is as simple as that.

 

It isn't about him, and if he loves you or doesn't love you the fact is he is married and so are you. It hurts - so. damn.bad. And nothing can take that pain away BUT time, distance, and perspective. Once you start getting those you will start feeling better- i promise.

 

I am in your same position and i am putting my resignation in on the 29th of this month. I was 2 months out of NC and thinking i was getting stronger and healing- I had a bit of a relapse these past few days and it made me realize that truly no matter how strong you think you are a smart recovering addict NEVER puts them self in front of their drug. First lesson in AA. Be kind to yourself and to your family - put them first in your decision making process right now and you will start moving in the right direction.

 

This is true, I am living proof. However, there is something to be said for not falling on your sword and running. In my situation, neither of us wanted to leave so I stuck it out for a long and incredibly painful year. My husband wanted me to stay and fight.

 

Karma got him in the end. While I told my husband the trust last Dec, xmm lied to his wife. She finally learned the truth and now its a thousand times worse since he lied on top of it all this whole year. She's pulling him out end of this month, he has to leave and I will never see him again. He's not so cocky now.

[malvern99]

And as for my H -- yes there are some decisions to face about him, as well. He is rarely present, but when he is, it's 100% kids. Which is great for them. And therein lies my struggle of not wanting to change up my situation at home.

 

Sigh. I'm in way too deep.

 

Care to expand on this some? Some may disagree with me, but there is absolutely nothing your husband did to "force" you into an affair. That is just wayward thinking. He is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage just as you are. The choice to step outside the marriage though is 100% yours. Think of it this way. In his day to day life, do you think he doesn't see women that tempt him? Has he cheated on you?

 

There were so many other paths you could have taken to address your problems at home, but what's done is done. Now you need to figure out what your priorities are and go from there. Are you ending the A because you want out, or because MM is no longer interested? Do you want your marriage? Are you willing to do what it takes to regain your self? Are you planning on coming clean to your BH so he can make his own decisions? You won't really be able to move forward in any meaningful way without the answers to these and many more questions. Good luck.

[Vasectomyfail]

The big question, can you avoid him at work?

 

I work with my xMM, but not directly for the most part so it's easy to avoid him. We say hi in the morning and make small talk if we're in front of people, but that's it. I think it can work if you make an effort to stay away from him. So that means no going to his office, no going to lunch etc.

 

I also deleted his number from my phone and wrote it along with a few other numbers on a copy of the office directory that I keep on my desk. That way it's not in my phone for me to call. Yes I delete it out of my log if he calls me.

 

I did this because there have been times I've been tempted to text him outside of work and i'd rather not. Now I can't yey! Also I have to physically get his number and type it in even if it is work related. I can't tell you how many times I've stopped half way through and decided to just text a different person in the department. Those seconds give me just enough time to catch myself.

 

In my case the limited contact has actually helped. I caught him checking out the new part-time assistant (she's a highschool student). Also of all of the stupid things one time I had to cancel a meetup because i needed a tooth filled. He made a big deal about never having had a filling before and having rock hard super hero teeth. Well today I noticed an old school dark filling one of his molars while he was presenting in a meeting. Like seriously why even lie about that? What I'm saying is I'm sure your MM has flaws and you will start to see them as you detach. Focus on that!

 

It will get easier with time. Just work on protecting yourself and doing the best job possible.

[sunrise_sunset]

The big question, can you avoid him at work?

 

I work with my xMM, but not directly for the most part so it's easy to avoid him. We say hi in the morning and make small talk if we're in front of people, but that's it. I think it can work if you make an effort to stay away from him. So that means no going to his office, no going to lunch etc.

 

I also deleted his number from my phone and wrote it along with a few other numbers on a copy of the office directory that I keep on my desk. That way it's not in my phone for me to call. Yes I delete it out of my log if he calls me.

 

I did this because there have been times I've been tempted to text him outside of work and i'd rather not. Now I can't yey! Also I have to physically get his number and type it in even if it is work related. I can't tell you how many times I've stopped half way through and decided to just text a different person in the department. Those seconds give me just enough time to catch myself.

 

In my case the limited contact has actually helped. I caught him checking out the new part-time assistant (she's a highschool student). Also of all of the stupid things one time I had to cancel a meetup because i needed a tooth filled. He made a big deal about never having had a filling before and having rock hard super hero teeth. Well today I noticed an old school dark filling one of his molars while he was presenting in a meeting. Like seriously why even lie about that? What I'm saying is I'm sure your MM has flaws and you will start to see them as you detach. Focus on that!

 

It will get easier with time. Just work on protecting yourself and doing the best job possible.

 

Vasectomyfail: Fantastic name, by the way. YES I can avoid at work, which will help some as I try to navigate the choppy waters of how to exit the work situation. I sure wish HE would go, like that of Midnight Blue's exMM! I love the idea of focusing on the flaws, and yes that is definitely helping some. I also deleted him from my phone, and I have no contact with him via social media. All good things, right?

 

Thrilled to have made it through last night without any contact. This is big! I am away for a funeral next week, then the holiday, so it'll be a good long stretch before we have any contact after today, actually. For this, I'm thankful.

 

As far as H goes, he didn't force me into the affair at ALL. He is a good man (I'm not so bad myself, other than this huge mess, I promise!), but neither of us has made this relationship our priority since having the kids, and we've both been okay with this. I would have been content, I think, going forward the way we do for some time -- but the long term? That's what I need to figure out. Does anyone else look at it this way? Yes, we are more roommates/teammates at this point, but once the kids are grown -- is that going to carry us?

 

The A has been so separate this past year from my home life, but now with trying to end it, it's filtered into everything else I do. It will end, I will just do the best job possible, as VF suggests!

[sunrise_sunset]

Nothing like a funeral to make you realize how insignificant you are to your AP. I haven’t posted all week because I was away and knew I wouldn’t see my xMM – still haven’t. I won’t until work next week. To bring you up to speed: We are in the midst of our second attempt of NC after nearly a year of EA/PA. I fell hard for a colleague, and the push/pull and his cake eating made things very difficult since I developed actual feelings for him.

 

Anyway, back to this past week: I heard from him once when I was heading out of town (I guess he heard I’d cancelled a meeting because I’d be away), but it was brief and awkward. We hung up after a couple of minutes, and I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the next hour or so. Neither of us really knew what to say, because GUESS WHAT it’s something REAL that happened – we all talk about how an A only exists in fantasy land, until reality bites and we’re forced to actually exist as humans and adults. It is beyond confusing, and I hope to take back my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own reality after this break, thank you very much.

 

We really don’t have anything left. The connection – it’s different now. I keep reading on LS about how things change after you attempt NC the first time, the second time. It becomes more and more painful, more confusing. I think the one thing tripping me up is the whole idea of what I would do IF he came looking for me. I have cut off all social media and we don’t email – ever – even for work, which is good. I deleted the text app we always used, but he has my number. I don’t plan on changing it at this point, it’s connected to work. So I want to get away from the “what if I hear something…” and move toward the “not expecting to hear at all” and ultimately to the "not thinking about hearing from hin ever and being OK with that"! That’s where I am right now.

 

So I wanted to share this with other struggling LSers (which sadly looks TOO MUCH like LoSers -- and those we are NOT)...I heard this song driving back from the funeral this week (lyrics below), and I damn near lost my **** and about drove off the road. It just hit me hard, and perhaps it’ll give others strength who are struggling to emerge from THE FOG (ironically, a sign appeared when I heard this, “Fog Area” – very telling, right?)…

 

"Jar Of Hearts"

Christina Perri

 

I know I can't take one more step towards you

'Cause all that's waiting is regret

Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

 

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

 

And I've learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

 

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

'Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

 

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

Who do you think you are?

 

Who do you think you are?

 

Who do you think you are?

[BluesPower]

Wow those lyrics are deep...

 

I bet they hit you so hard. I am sorry that you are still hurting.

 

Have you given any thought to your marriage and its future and your future happiness?

 

Or, are you just hurting too bad to think about that now?

 

Keep us posted, we are all pulling for you...

[sunrise_sunset]

Thank you for checking in Blues! Yeah it's been a long week.

 

You know what's crazy about this whole situation? I feel no guilt with regard to my H -- nothing. I can't say it enough times...we are a fantastic team for our kids. I have been able to keep both situations separate -- until I'm alone. In the car. Or anywhere by myself. Then the xMM thoughts begin...I'm so freaking sad, and I know it's normal (thankfully -- not just me!)...but what's even crazier is how I don't even factor H into this equation.

 

I know I will need to think about it going forward. I have to shift my priorities, my focus. But right now? I'm in such a sad, dark place with xMM and trying to dig myself out. I really want to approach the holidays 100% with my family. And then I think about where I was (mentally/emotionally) this time last year, xMM and I were JUST starting to divulge our true feelings. It was all so new and exciting. But was any of it real? I guess not. It was just him being overly excited at the idea of some extra on the side.

 

This just sucks.

[malvern99]

You and your BH can't be a "fantastic team" if you are busy stabbing him in the back every second he's not looking. Better yet, why don't you test your theory out. Give him the gift of truth, and then after that, you'll see how fantastic a team you really are. Using that kind of terminology when one partner does not have all the relevant information to see his/her reality is selfish at best. If you have even the tiniest amount of respect for your BH, please open his eyes to what is really going on. He is an adult just like you, and as such, has as much of a right to make decisions regarding his life that are in his best interests or not, just like you did. You chose to betray him, allow him the dignity to choose how he wants to move forward.

 

I get that you are hurting, but you willingly and enthusiastically walked into this mess. Spare a thought for the innocents in your life who will forever be scarred by the choices you made they had no part in. They are the people who are really hurting, even if they don't know it yet. Do some reading on the infidelity board to see what real pain is. Walking a mile in the shoes of the betrayed could open your eyes to your new reality. If after that, you are still stuck on your MM, then it may be best to divorce your BH and give him the opportunity to find someone else who will love and honor him like you can't, and you can then dedicate your life to chasing your MM. Using your BH as a fall back option is just cruel. Good luck.

[Jersey born raised]

All those feelings of lack of intimacy towards your husband, feeling alone. How do you know he does not feel the same to you. Would you notice if he was involved with another woman?

 

How many times has he not pushed for sex because part of him feels you would resent it? After my DDay my WS was shocked at how I felt alone and neglected. How much I needed her to just hug and snuggle, JUST ONCE !

Why was I not "forceful", I was a nice guy and respected her to much.

 

Not a problem in my future relationships. I've learned to be bold without being an whinnying *******.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for checking in Blues! Yeah it's been a long week.

 

You know what's crazy about this whole situation? I feel no guilt with regard to my H -- nothing. I can't say it enough times...we are a fantastic team for our kids. I have been able to keep both situations separate -- until I'm alone. In the car. Or anywhere by myself. Then the xMM thoughts begin...I'm so freaking sad, and I know it's normal (thankfully -- not just me!)...but what's even crazier is how I don't even factor H into this equation.

 

.

 

You don't feel any guilt towards your husband because you are wrapped up in sadness over xmm. The guilt comes later, about 10 months after the A ended. I read it here somewhere and its a good timeline estimate. You have not even begun to understand the damage that has been done.

 

If you want to fix your marriage, you need to tell your husband. Otherwise nothing will change and what is the point of that?

[BluesPower]

I got to say on the loneliness...

 

Befor I went crazy, when my wife was going into the deepest part of her addiction, I had been so lonely for so long.

 

I would not had even wanted sex, for the most part, I just wanted to hold her and for her to hold me. I had already been everything to everyone for years by then and inside I was dying and did not know it.

 

I had been raising the kids alone, taking care of her alone, I was the sole bread winner with a totally stressful IT management job. I had forgotten the loneliness until I just read that post. I remember in the few quiet times where all the kids were asleep, my wife was asleep or passed out, the office was not calling, that is when the loneliness would hit me. It was just soul crushing when it happened.

 

I think I would rather not remember it...

[Calcmag]

Sunrise, when I read your first post it was so much like the story of my own A.

Brought back all of those memories - it's over a decade ago now but reading your post it all came back.

Other posters are right, time,distance and perspective are what will help you get over this.

I also understand about having no guilt regarding your husband. I was the same. Guilt did come later.

 

 

By the way, take a look at post #10 on this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/425927-do-you-have-song-your-mm-mw#post5221021

 

Save

[Noirek]

Many, not all, MP like to keep their AP on the hook. That is the reaching out. They may be done for now but don't want to lock that door or even fully close it. They toss out bread crumbs.

 

Be honest with yourself and make sure you block every single way you can for him to contact you. Leaving yourself a window is just part of yourself hanging out. Its hard but shut if down. The sooner you do the sooner you can start healing. And healing from self inflicted wounds can sometimes be the hardest.

 

XMM became very push and pull with me. I had no idea even about that termnor what it was. Or really about the details of affairs. And it did make me irrational and crazy. It is ironic that they do it when they say they are worried about being caught but yet it actually made things worse for him. His wife may never have found out if he had been less pushing me out. When he broke NC 1.5 years later and I responded because I'm an idiot I played a different game. I kept him at arms length and the difference in behaviour was like two different men. Mr confident and patronizing became needy and clingy... I regret the whole thing top to bottom. But I have learned a lot. A lot I really didn't need to learn.

 

I'm not going to tell you to quit your job. I got a new job where I wouldn't see xMM every few months anymore (entertainment business that threw us together occasionaly) but I did so because I got a better job. If however you feel this is really affecting your mental health you should consider it. Money isn't important if you have a breakdown.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Many, not all, MP like to keep their AP on the hook. That is the reaching out. They may be done for now but don't want to lock that door or even fully close it. They toss out bread crumbs.

 

Be honest with yourself and make sure you block every single way you can for him to contact you. Leaving yourself a window is just part of yourself hanging out. Its hard but shut if down. The sooner you do the sooner you can start healing. And healing from self inflicted wounds can sometimes be the hardest.

 

XMM became very push and pull with me. I had no idea even about that termnor what it was. Or really about the details of affairs. And it did make me irrational and crazy. It is ironic that they do it when they say they are worried about being caught but yet it actually made things worse for him. His wife may never have found out if he had been less pushing me out. When he broke NC 1.5 years later and I responded because I'm an idiot I played a different game. I kept him at arms length and the difference in behaviour was like two different men. Mr confident and patronizing became needy and clingy... I regret the whole thing top to bottom. But I have learned a lot. A lot I really didn't need to learn.

 

I'm not going to tell you to quit your job. I got a new job where I wouldn't see xMM every few months anymore (entertainment business that threw us together occasionaly) but I did so because I got a better job. If however you feel this is really affecting your mental health you should consider it. Money isn't important if you have a breakdown.

 

Where are you in your life Noirek? I looked but the last post you wrote over over a year ago.

[sunrise_sunset]

Calcmag -- I'm not alone then -- that song, WOW. It definitely sent me into a solid anti-MM place! So glad you chimed in with that!

 

I really can't say enough about how helpful these responses are -- everything from Malvern's tough love (you are SO tough! Asking the hard questions!) to Midnight Blue's insights -- jeez guys.

 

Anyway, I wanted to be here this morning, because today is the first day I'll have seen xMM in 10 days. It's been okay too. I've gone from wondering if I'd hear something to expecting NOTHING. And I've not reached out at all. He broke it on T-giving with a really lame text, to which I said "Thank You" (that's on me too -- I broke it as well, I guess). However, this is much better than the olden days, when I would be reaching out and writing/calling each day. I can't think of those without cringing! Please wish me luck. I'm not terribly concerned though -- I'm able to avoid pretty easily at the office most days.

 

Let me try and answer a few of these questions. I really can't tell if my hubby is also engaged in something on the side. I know he had a situation unfold early in our marriage on a work trip, and I forgave because I was pregnant at the time -- and you know what? That moment -- right there, when I found out and forgave him, was the day I started thinking of us as parents and not as a couple any longer. We have not addressed intimacy issues, other than the occasional joke about how we really SHOULD be together more often. These are things to think about -- but I don't know how to focus on it now as I'm still exiting THE FOG. As Midnight Blue noted, I am completely wrapped up in this exit and not focused on what's ahead. How to do that?

 

Welp, here goes another day. Good luck today, LSers. Let's do this.

[JustJoe]

Thank you for checking in Blues! Yeah it's been a long week.

 

You know what's crazy about this whole situation? I feel no guilt with regard to my H -- nothing. I can't say it enough times...we are a fantastic team for our kids. I have been able to keep both situations separate -- until I'm alone. In the car. Or anywhere by myself. Then the xMM thoughts begin...I'm so freaking sad, and I know it's normal (thankfully -- not just me!)...but what's even crazier is how I don't even factor H into this equation.

 

I know I will need to think about it going forward. I have to shift my priorities, my focus. But right now? I'm in such a sad, dark place with xMM and trying to dig myself out. I really want to approach the holidays 100% with my family. And then I think about where I was (mentally/emotionally) this time last year, xMM and I were JUST starting to divulge our true feelings. It was all so new and exciting. But was any of it real? I guess not. It was just him being overly excited at the idea of some extra on the side.

 

This just sucks.

You see, SS. This is a prime example of your screwed up mindset, and I'm glad you can see it. It shows real progress.. You say that a year ago you and AP were starting to divulge your feelings for each other? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong. YOU had feelings for him...HE had the hots for you.....HUGE difference.

If BOTH of you had the same feelings for each other...you would be with him, divorced or separated, or at least working on your future together.

Using my situation as an example. I ended the affair with my MW, she regained her self esteem......then we began to see if we had a future. Turns out, we did, because we are extremely happily married and have 3 kids.

One of the worst things about an affair is that one or the other AP usually is not as committed as the other. For one, it's ****s and giggles, for the other it's love and affection. You might even use the same words, but with entirely different emphasis. And it's painfully hard for the AP who is in love, to admit to his/her self that he/she just doesn't mean as much to their horny partner, as their partner means to him/her.

So what you have to decide is ....regardless of your work situation, do you want to be his sex puppet? Because..whether you like it or not, that is what you are. I don't mean to be harsh, but sometimes a good dose of medicine can help to cut the fog.